Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Geez, I did not expect the level of unkindness on the thread. So much for community.

You must be new here OP. As soon as I saw Eton I knew what the response would be. 😆

Was it really Eton vs grammar? Are there not any cheaper private day schools in the area he could have got a scholarship to? Or even cheaper boarding schools?

I would say if you’re having to re-mortgage then you can’t really afford it.

Plus Eton does not confer the advantages it once did, in fact it can really hinder people.

I would keep him home. My view is parents undervalue the benefits they can bring by being present in the child's life day to day, and overvalue the perceived benefits of boarding.

Straight 9s is not a realistic goal for any child, let alone something you take for granted for him. It's vanishingly rare across the country, a completely different order from straight As or straight A stars.

You will also have to pay your acceptance fee, which is around £3.5k and there will be addtional expenses such as music lessons, trips, sports equipment, pocket money. I would add in approx £8k if not more of these. Personally, after getting this far in the process I would sit him down and try and have a realistic discussion about the pros and cons of this moving forward. What if your financial situations changes? Its upwards of £70k per year with the added extras.

Given that only 7% of children go to private school and of that only a third are boarding, I’d say “large and hugely in demand” may be an exaggeration.

@ArtHistory what year is your child now? Is he at a prep school? Assuming he’s Y7 or Y8, you may not have the state options you think. The vast majority of state grammars and outstanding comprehensives will be oversubscribed.

Send him to the grammar school! Sounds like you can’t afford it and if he’ll get straight 9s anywhere it’s a no brainer rather than stretching yourself. Plus at the grammar school you might be mixing with more like minded and financially similar people to yourself and might be beneficial to both you and your son.

This is madness, it's not affordable for you. And you'll be amongst rich families so your son is likely to feel very poor in comparison. Not an environment I would choose for my child but each to their own!

Hi OP

I used to work in Admissions in a selective private school. The school’s decision that you can afford the fees not covered by the bursary will be based on your level of equity in your home, based on what you’ve said on the thread so far. They won’t care that this will probably entail a remortgage. Their definition of “affordable” will be very different from yours; I saw this firsthand year in, year out.

With the huge increases in cost of living I would think very very hard about whether accepting a place at Eton is the right thing to do. We always advised parents NEVER to accept the place if they weren’t confident that they could afford it, and NEVER to go into debt for school fees. Also please bear in mind that the school fees definitely will increase every year.

And yes - the more you earn / inherit, the more the bursary will reduce. Your finances will be reassessed in great detail every year. We often referred to bursaries as the ultimate barrier to aspiration / financial improvement of parents, which is ironic isn’t it?!

I say all this in order to be helpful, not to bash your choice to consider a boarding school. I hope you can figure out your way through all this.

IMO boarding now is v different to when I was a child in the 80's. It's far more Nouveau riche now and those who actually have family experience of boarding avoid it like the plague!!!

I’d agree with this, especially music. Unless your child has a music scholarship or exhibition, the fees for lessons will add up. Around £50 per lesson isn’t unusual. If your child is doing a couple of instruments, that’s around £3k a year on top of basic fees.

I’m confused how inflation and fiscal drag(?) have taken you from affording a chunk of school fees from your monthly salaries, to needing to remortgage. Either way I’d say you can’t afford it.

@Aluna : Or even cheaper boarding schools?

To be honest, while Eton is among the most expensive boarding schools, for decent schools fees are all around 20k per term, and not many of these have a bursary programme as generous as Eton's. I would suggest that if someone cannot afford Eton they cannot afford any (good) boarding school (or to turn that around, if they can afford any good boarding school then they can afford Eton).

You can't actually afford it tho even with the bursary.

Some simple maths proves that as wrong...

700,000 children start per year

so thats 7% (5,000) then 1/3 = 1,650.

Then you factor in the ages of ex pupils so 18 - 80 - thats 62 * 1,650 - thats 102,000 potential clients in the UK alone who have specific childhood trauma from boarding school.

The point is - that psychotherapy has developed a large and in demand niche or whatever you want to call it specifically because of boarding schools.

I'd not send my kid to something proven to cause PTSD in many, thats just me.

We stretched ourselves for fees but only slightly, and whilst in our case I'd say it was worth it (specific circumstances), please be aware that fees are the tip of the iceberg.There's all the equipment and clothes and expectations and trips and lifestyle things that everyone else has. There's no point in putting your kid into a world they're not part of and stretching yourself just for them to feel poor and hard done by.

And I'd also say - since you mention it - that there's absolutely no way on earth I'd send my kids to boarding school or allow them to go away to school. There's fairly robust evidence that it's damaging for kids to go to boarding school and it's a horribly detached way of parenting, in my opinion. You'll never be able to undo it.

I’ll take the other side of everyone else on this chain, OP. This is a life changing opportunity for your son, and merits taking some of the equity out of your house. The money side always works itself out.

I’m afraid @Araminta1003is right, @ArtHistory … The fact that at the time of applying you were able to pay full fees does suggest that any subsequent adjustments to your financial set up will be lifestyle choices. Your bursary offer must reflect that. The thinking will be that you have other options. Either to cover the fees or to choose another good school. You’re just never going to get the level of bursary offered to people who really don’t have the option to juggle money around. And who cannot move into the catchment of a leafy comp.

You could be me. We just turned down a large bursary at a famous girls school and will send her to a super selective grammar school instead. We would not have had to remortgage but we would have had to make huge sacrifices. It was a very hard decision and we may have made the wrong one but turning down a free place at an amazing grammar school felt more wrong for our particular family. I hope the will thrive wherever they go.

Very few posters on this thread have any idea what they're talking about. Eton is the best boarding school in the UK for boys. I'm not talking about reputation or fame. I'm talking about the reality of what it offers - the radical, pupil-led ethos and the opportunities to grow and excel. And you will see a lot more of him than you may think. So any concerns about quality should be set aside (not that you expressed any).

I completely understand (and relate to) your financial dilemma. Have you tried talking to Eton, being honest about your situation and asking for a larger bursary? Schools are used to this and won't flinch. They don't normally expect people to remortgage their homes to afford the fees. PS: if you decide to send him, and do remortgage, for god's sake, don't tell the school if you get a raise!

DS is a day pupil at a well-regarded but not remotely flash private school. We chose it because it fits his needs, and his strengths, perfectly...and to cover the fees we are making sacrifices in other areas, a modest house, fewer and less expensive holidays and so on. We are definitely low income by comparison with many of the families there, but thankfully DS isn't fussed about skiing trips and so on, as we could never run to them. But for the elements he does want, it's invaluable.

If Eton is right for your boy, and it's the only or very best option, then if you can find the fees from somewhere else, that's a good call. But if there is another good school nearby which would do the same, whether private or state, which would be less of a financial stretch, then think about that one before you make a final decision.

We all want to do the best by our kids, it's just figuring out what that actually means that's the challenge!

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Firstly congratulations to your son OP! He sounds delightful and very bright! I feel for you...it's such a tough decision. Eton is amazing and all the parents/boys I know are very happy with it. However, given you have great free options nearby I would personally go for that and I am sure he'll excel over there. Don't underestimate the financial stress you/your husband will endure. IMO it's not worth it.

On another note I am really struggling to understand how these boarding schools will be viable long term? £63k now is almost £100k in 7 years (assuming 7% increase pa and 5% for extra trips/uniforms etc...). This is almost £200k pre-tax and only for one child?? It's becoming totally unaffordable without a bursary and even for the top 1% (or 0.1%!) earners the maths don't add up (especially if you have more than 1 child).
I know Eton and co. have large endowments funds for bursaries etc but surely "working" families not eligible for bursaries will never be able to afford that?

I think you’re making a big mistake. It’s not just the fees you’ll be paying for, it will be the expensive school trips and other things that other parents won’t have a problem keeping up with. If you can’t keep up, he’ll stick out like a sore thumb and will be bullied.

I don’t believe that you should have to go to these lengths to prevent bullying but let’s be real. Most of the kids attending Eton won’t have parents who had to remortgage their home to do so.

How old is your son? I think boarding school is sad. Your kids are only young once and he’s going to spend most of his time away from you with a load of rich kids. Private schools don’t give kids the chance to mix with people from all backgrounds, which I believe is crucial for children to become well-rounded adults who understand that people have different backgrounds.

Will doing this prevent you from enjoying time with your son when you actually see him too?

It’s also a lot of pressure to put on your son, even if he doesn’t understand now, when he’s older he’s going to live with the pressure of ‘my mum and dad remortgaged the house for my eduction, I must succeed’ which can have negative consequences on his mental health and your relationship.

I don’t want to be mean but I think you’re bonkers. If the schools around you are decent enough, just send him there and save the money.

Mental health problems aren’t confined to boarding schools.

• Almost one million children and young people had active referrals for Children and Young People’s Mental Health Services in England in 2022-23.

https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/news-and-blogs/over-a-quarter-of-a-million-children-still-waiting-for-mental-health-support/

For a child with mental health issues, independent schools, especially boarding schools, have excellent mental
health support, often with full time counsellors available for drop in sessions.

I never said they were.

I said it's a bad enough problem that psychotherapists specialise in it.

I mean they have specialists in narcissism as well, all sorts. It's just not something I'd do to my child given the known risks.