Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

If you have to remortgage your house to pay the fees and are worried about being able to pay your mortgage, you obviously can't afford it. Why on Earth didn't you think about this before allowing your son to get 'excited about going'?

Eton entry is 13+, can you still get a place at your local grammar which presumably had selective entrance at 11?

People do remortgage to pay school fees but I’d also query whether it’s worth it. I wouldn’t get swept up in the status. Have you got a place at the local grammar? It sounds less stressful and more suitable all round.

Have you accommodated for all the uniforms you’ll need plus any extras, trips, etc? I personally don’t believe boarding school is a good environment for children, Eton has been jaded over the years. I’d personally keep any child at home, send to a grammar school and don’t rely on misogynistic schooling to bring up your child

I’m not surprised you’re wobbling, it sounds financially crippling and I personally couldn’t bear not seeing my dd for days on end.

How old is he?

You are crazy to do this if you need to remortgage. Your financial situation could change at any time .

It is a crazy idea
I would never send my child to board and I would never pay school fees if it was a struggle.
Why do you want him to go there?

This sounds financially dicey. Do you really want to put yourselves under that much financial pressure?
I would also say that enjoying parenting and having a connection with your child is not something that you should dismiss. Teenagers can be hilarious and aggravating and messy and emotional and great conversationalists and a whole range of other things. But that bond and the joy of parenting doesn’t go away as they get older and whilst it has its challenges, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it for anything.

Remortgaging for school fees is almost always a very poor financial decision.

You’ll also need to factor in his therapy fees

It sounds like your son would do well anywhere so I'm not sure I would remortgage to ensure he went to Eton. I'd rather spend the money on activities, holidays, equipment, instruments, tutoring.

Do you have other offers apart from this ?

my kids had number of 11+ offers some which would mean extra 4K per term which we didn’t accommodate as might not be able to afford in the future

if he’s so capable, he ll thrive in other environments (Eton is the extreme)

I wouldn't have even let him sit the entrance exam if this is your financial situation! These are schools that attract seriously wealthy kids with fancy houses, holiday homes, exotic holidays, it's a lifestyle that you're part of, not just an education and I think it can be awkward if you don't fit into that.

Wow. Why would you let him get so excited when you clearly can’t afford it?!

Sorry, but I'd look at the end result (not all I admit, but...) and decide no.Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees- Mogg, Prince Harry etc.

this isn’t going to be what you want to hear but:
he’s more likely to be happy if he’s at home with you then sent away to board. He’s more likely to be happy if he’s not caught up in a world of insane wealth where he feels like the poor kid and gets bullied for it. He’s more likely to get invoked with drugs and alcohol at an early age while estranged from family.
AND you’re doing all this while making your own retirement and future unstable.
It’s absolute madness.
Through work I have met a lot of people from extreme wealth and fancy boarding school educations and honestly they are unbearable. They basically missing out on half their parenting and are stunted humans.
Don’t do this to your child or yourself. Send him to a good grammar. He will be happier.

https://substack.com/@petrakhashoggi/note/p-186239246?r=7wxlo&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action

Eton isn’t even in the top 10 performing UK private schools anymore either!

I know a few people who went to Eton, they’ve all got mental health problems as adults. It’s a hot house, stress, pressure, I would never send my kids there. There’s a lot of documented evidence about “boarding school syndrome”. Keep him at home, children need stable and secure family life. Also remember they put their fees up every year…you might be able to afford it now at a push but every year you will be squeezed more and more. Wait til the compulsory trips start…

This is completely mad. Just send him to the local comp and in future don’t get your child excited about stuff you can’t afford.

This. Be careful he doesn't end up in no man's land, where he doesn't fit in his peers buy also can't relate to the man in the street. I assume you couldn't afford trips. What about uni?

If he’s going to get 9s at the local grammar school, and you can’t afford it then he’ll be absolutely fine.
Is Eton your dream or his?

We faced a financially difficult decision with my ds’s secondary school (not private school but one of his state options, where he desperately wanted to go, required a paid bus fare which would have been a struggle for us). We had to tell him we couldn’t afford it. He had a moment of disappointment - perhaps more than he showed us - but accepted it very easily. So imo don’t make a decision based on your ds’s excitement. But I was very certain I was not going to chase bursaries because the absolute worst private school outcomes I have seen are where the child has to be taken out at a tricky age because of financial pressures.

So like the rest of the thread, im
afraid I would pull out.

I don’t know why his music would drop; is it just that it’s not as big a priority for him? Have you looked at other ways to support it?

You can’t bear to not see him every day because you know, fundamentally, he still needs to see you every day. He’ll grow less ‘sweet’ as you say, and he’ll feel that, teen boys often feel unloveable, they don’t get affection from their friends the way girls do. Loving parents matter. I’m sure boarding’s the best option if parents are overseas or it’s part time to accommodate family circs, but you sound like you’ve better options by far.

Oh dear. Even on the Boarding board most of the responses here are from people who have absolutely no experience of the school, @ArtHistory. That’s a pity.

Amongst my family we have in the past few years benefitted from really substantial bursaries at this school and previously at prep level - and there is no way we could have replicated the opportunities and general experience at any local day school.

But I’m surprised your bursary offer still leaves you having to re-mortgage. Is that actually your only option, or just the one you’ve decided on out of a few options? And is this your primary home? I can only assume it’s a high value property rather than a little suburban two up, two down? I ask because IME Eton isn’t inclined to offer bursaries that will leave parents in serious difficulties. They make it very clear they will withdraw offers of a place if they can’t also offer the level of bursary that makes attendance a realistic possibility. So they must surely think you can afford to make up the difference.

As to your other concern: I remember when we first visited with our then ten year old, it was impossible to imagine him as a strapping teenager like the boys we met there. And of course, by the time he actually started at the school - he was more than ready.

I can’t tell you what to do … I do know that after the three year process to get there it would feel incredibly cruel to snatch it away from a child. It must be incredibly stressful. I hope you’re having an ongoing conversation with him.

Bet you want him to go more than he does.

Serious bragging rights. But at some cost!!!