Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

I'm afraid I can't reassure you that it's worth it. I regret sending my son to a comparable school, even though there were many excellent things about the education there.

I feel it’s considerably better to snatch away a school opportunity from a child than for his parents to put themselves under frankly ridiculous financial pressure.

Have you taken into consideration invites to weekends away, holidays, extra curricular and how you would afford those.

Ironically, if a child isn’t robust enough to cope with the idea of not going to Eton, they aren’t robust enough for boarding school imo.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced

Yes, it's madness. You can't afford it.

In your position I'd choose state.

@ArtHistory do you currently have other offers or was this your only independent school / boarding school application?

I really think your most immediate task (if you genuinely cannot afford the remaining fees) is to speak to the school. Because, as I reiterate, they will have a very clear idea of your exact financial circumstances.

Were you hoping for 100%? It was always going to be the case that any future improvement in your finances might affect the level of bursary you receive; if you have a fundamental disagreement with that fact then it certainly wouldn’t be sensible to go ahead.

Geez, I did not expect the level of unkindness on the thread. So much for community.

Let's assume that for the purposes of this thread, I'm happy with the idea of sending him to boarding school, it's not for me to have bragging rights, he completely understands that his place is dependent on us being able to afford it, and I realise that the fees are not the only expense. If you want to criticise me for any of the above, then kindly wait till someone starts a thread about the merits of boarding in general.

The level of bursary was offered on the basis of what the school think we can afford - and they have experience of literally hundreds of families on bursaries, so they know what people can and can't afford to live on.

What I hoped is that people with experience of stretching themselves to afford school fees could give me their insight- was it worth it, how did you manage, what did you do when something unexpected happened, what thought process did you go through etc etc.

Thanks for the honest response. Do you mind me asking why do you regret it?

@ArtHistory you may have missed my posts?

It’s not boarding school bashing but in the current climate if you need to remortgage then it’s probably not worth it.
If it was a choice between doing well there or failing at a state school then maybe it might be worth it but the fact he’ll do well elsewhere should be your answer.
We decided state (not grammar) as we decided it was best for us financially. Son had a great time, and got to a great uni and we are not crippled (uni accommodation costs are a bit of a shock though 😂).

https://www.saltus.co.uk/the-financial-planning-blog/vat-on-private-school-fees

This report might be worth a look, about 17% of families report taking on extra borrowing against their home to fund fees.

I can understand doing that if you already have a child at school and don’t want to move them, but personally I would not start off on that basis unless there were no reasonable state school provision available which would suit my child. Not worth the financial stress for the whole family, although I have zero experience of Eton or boarding.

A lot of hyperbole on this thread. Whatever about the wisdom (or lack thereof) of stretching oneself that much for school fees, there is no doubt that Eton is an exceptional school. It simply cannot compete with the ‘local grammar’.

Thank you. I wish someone could look at my finances and tell me what i'm doing wrong because as I said in my other response, I know they've made an offer at a level that they think we can afford (and they clearly have a lot of experience of this) but I'm struggling to see how other than via a remortgage - we don't have a second home, and don't live in a big house, but some hard work building our own extension means that we have a fair amount of equity, so I wondered if that's what they expect us to do.

As things stood on the day we applied, we could afford the fees out of income. But with inflation and fiscal drag bringing our real take home pay down considerable, and with the prospect of a sharp jump in mortgage costs, I'm now nervous. (Luckily, both DH and I are in very secure jobs in very secure sectors) And just not sure how you decide if it will be worth it.

Did your family members feel it was worth it?

(Thank you for your support by the way.... I was reacting to the negative posts first, which is stupid of me. I should learn to ignore the trolls!)

@ArtHistory I am going to disagree with most posters here. My parents did almost exactly the same for me (and then in turn for my sibling). I am so grateful. It was the best thing for all of us, parents included. There are no “bragging rights” for any of us, and I don’t think neighbours or community had any idea where any of us were at school. It was a time of unparalleled opportunity, excitement, and possibility. Maybe we would have ended up in the same place professionally anyway, but the point of a school like that isn’t merely “qualifications” but a broad scope that sees you through to a successful adult life - both professionally and in terms of relationships, hobbies, interests, confidence, etc. It cannot be easily quantified and only you know what is best for your child. He must be incredibly clever and capable. If he has just had an offer then his entry will be a few years off anyway. You would be mad to turn it down!! I think that with longer holidays (6 weeks more than state) and numerous exeat weekends, that you’ll probably spend more quality time with your son and his friends that some of the self righteous people on this thread. FWIW, I have an incredible relationship with my parents, as they sound much like you. They sacrificed for my benefit, kept my personality and needs at the centre of their decisions, and maintained emotional closeness to me and interest in my life long long past school. Go for it!

I think that many posters here don’t realise that although that the most “elite” schools might draw many of their students from incredibly wealthy backgrounds, there can actually be much much less snobbery at a school like that than at a local private day school or at a grammar school. Everyone is there to make the most of incredible opportunities and children all adapt to one another! Those most elite schools also have generous endowments that allow them to give 100-115% bursaries, and can often draw from a far more socioeconomically diverse crowd than grammar or state schools.

Good luck and well done to your son. Whatever you decide, make a fuss of him for doing so well. He should be very proud of himself.

We stretch ourselves for fees. The local schools in our area are awful.

In your case with a good grammar nearby I absolutely would not remortgage my house. Every big spend that arises causes a panic. Youre panicking before youve even started. Your son can get an excellent education elsewhere and will likely benefit more from a decent inheritance or help with getting on the property ladder later.

That's without even going into whether or not Eton / any boarding school is actually any good for young people.

Theyre not trolls btw. They are giving you their opinions as you asked.

Of course I don't mind. There were unexpected staff changes at the school. The education was patchy. Our child was sensitive to the socioeconomic gap between them and others. It was a strain on the family resources and the parental relationship. Best decision I ever made was a change of school.

I genuinely don't think everyone was being unkind. If your son would perform well in any school, what is it about Eton that made you choose it? Ask yourself, and if it's a lot of strong pluses, then go for it.
I would, however, take some independent financial advice, because it does sound from your posts as if it's a stretch and possibly a risk.
Oh, and if you see a troll on here , report them.

If he can get the best grades anywhere then save the money for a house deposit. I think that’s more useful.

The only benefit would be the connections and confidence (arrogance?) that comes with going to such a school. That depends if he’s in the right crowd and doesn’t develop any kind of trauma going to such a place. I know, I went to one and could see how it screwed some of the boys up - girls seemed to fare a bit better.

I would say that you would get a son that showed strong pack-like mentality to his school and several close friends (allegiances) but had lost skills of empathy and had low emotional intelligence and a higher chance of being depressed in later life. I am not sure he would have the greatest respect for women - they were ‘othered’. That’s from my experience. It also seems to fit in with political figures.

If he does outside activities it will be more work for you with the ferrying about but he’ll be working with professionals of a good standard and it will look much better on a cv than a school sports club etc. If both parents have full-on careers where they have to work long hours then this is a non-starter and boarding is more attractive.

I have known people who have pushed themselves to pay the fees for the eldest then the youngest has had to go state educated. It never ended well. So that’s another factor if you have more than one child.

Just to add to what I’ve already said, anyone who talks about “sending away” a child to boarding school in this day and age really doesn’t know what they’re talking about. It is not like that now. It is very very sad for those who have loved ones who were negatively affected by boarding, but times have moved on and Eton would not accept a boy who they think might struggle with boarding. Let’s not forget that day schools can (and still do) have a terrible impact on some children. It sounds like your boy would thrive! Anyway I have a lot of thoughts about this but think this thread isn’t the right one for you @ArtHistoryand suggest you might search this board for more accurate insights. Anyway if it turns out to be some kind of unmitigated disaster (it won’t) then obviously you can just take him out of the school. It’s remortgaging your house for school fees, not your soul!

I’m in my 50s and a contemporary went to Eton on a full scholarship. He’s done well. Another boy went through school with a huge chip…. Felt he needed to keep up with the jones’ and frankly he became a real pain. Overly confident, yet needy. However suggest you read One of Us by Musa Okwonga. He paints a real picture of privilege that sits uncomfortably with me. My DS went to an academic London private school and I’ve visited eton for matches. Personally I found it really intimidating, in a way that DC isn’t. If it was me I would not send him to eton. No doubt he’d get an amazing education but eton is not going to open doors in the way it once did.

He is naturally clever and has the option to go to a decent grammar and the fees require you to remortgage, it'd be a no-brainer for me not to send him to Eton. What does he think about it all?

I went to a very highly thought of single sex boarding school and, while I had an OK time there (no bullying or anything and could go home regularly), it has absolutely had a lasting (negative) effect on me. Same for people who also went there who I thought had a good time but if we ever get a chance to speak now, it's a sort of grim nod and a "yeah, it was what it was...". It's clear we were all affected in various ways. Nothing could persuade me to send my DC to boarding school.

I went to boarding school, and I think this is really important.

It could make life quite unpleasant for your Ds @ArtHistory

I’d urge you to reconsider

my teenage son has been an absolute joy living at home, and I’ll miss him so much when he moves out for university. Like it or not, your relationship with him will change so much with he’s effectively left home at that age