Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

There are brains, athletes, basketcases, prince(sses) and criminals at every school, whatever kind it is. As a big school that’s been around a long time, Eton has had its fair share of all these, but then so has our local comp. It’s the only school in the area and so is the one all the local criminals have attended. Does that make everyone who goes there a burglar, vandal or car thief? Or course not. So it’s not entirely fair to the 12,998 boys who’ve been through Eton in the last fifty years and who have NOT gone on to be UK Prime Minister to constantly liken them to the two that did.

Google it if you need to know.

OP hasn't disappeared - I was struggling to keep up. Thank you for all the constructive comments on here - some have been useful and thought provoking, some less so. I was mortified that the thread started trending as I didn't want this to become a public school bashing thread (otherwise I'd have posted in AIBU). Some of the negative feedback is entirely legitimate, and in the right place, I'd love to have a long debate about boarding school as a concept but to the posters who called me cruel, or told me to budget for my kids therapy, please try to be a bit less cruel yourselves in future.

Just to clarify a few things - my kids happiness is the most important thing. I don't give a damn what grades he gets or what uni they go to (a PP said they'd encourage their kids to join trades - me too!). I am well aware of the Eton stigma, and this thread has reinforced that. I don't agree with the premise that public school kids are being discriminated against at uni - i think it's more that they are losing their advantage and unis are trying to look beyond the polish and see what the raw material is.

FWIW, the boys that we met at Eton were without exception, lovely, humble and hugely appreciative of their surroundings. From what i saw looking around many schools, Eton is the most meritocratic of the public schools as its so selective and so many boys are on bursaries.

I want the best for my child, and I will be proud of my DS whether he goes to Eton, a grammar or the local comp as long as he's kind, thoughtful and tries his best (most of the time).

@ArtHistory very well said , I totally agree with you

Then he will do well wherever he goes. Look at the other schools and see if being away from you (and the happiness you bring each other) is worth it.

I feel lucky as I went to private and public schools, and then later taught pupils from those schools and state schools. I didn’t have the ‘surely you get what you pay for?’ as I knew the teaching was better at the local state than my old public school. All my children got better grades than I did.

We saved ourselves a lot of financial worry and the children have nice deposits for houses.

I haven't RTFT I'm sure it's full of private-school bashers who don't know what they're talking about.

Eton's a fantastic school, in your place I think I'd try to stretch to it. My parents put themselves out hugely financially to send me to an equivalent school decades ago and I have always been so grateful for the opportunities it bought me - they were WAY beyond the already good private school I attended and miles beyond what you'd get at any comprehensive or grammar, however excellent. DM me if you want to know a bit more.

And btw I'm not a big boarding school fan, but I think at 13 and for a school like Eton, it's worth it. Not worth it ever younger than that age and not worth it for a school that's not really something special.

Just a bit of balance, but I went to boarding school and don't think I am a twat or have arrested development as a result. I do however think your decision should be based on what's good for you as a family as well as your ds. Would he be happier at a local school and you could still afford extra curricular activities and the odd holiday?

I knew the teaching was better at the local state than my old public school. All my children got better grades than I did.

I’ve never understood that given state schools are apparently so superior to fee paying ones and anyway no one will hire privately educated applicants, why the desire to ban private schools?

Hmmm. Your detached and nonplussed attitude towards a newstory about child sexual abuse at your old boarding school - or “impropriety”, as you call it - isn’t doing much to counter stereotypes about ex-boarders being emotionally repressed and messed up!

@38thparallel Schroedinger’s cat

OP I think it is more about the perceived lack of control for you, both missing your DS and the financial situation. Sometimes you just have to take a calculated risk in life and believe in the potential upside. Assume the cost is now closer to 400k and assess your discount offered against that.
One thing I do know is that if your DS has the potential to be truly brilliant, they may well bring it out.
If you prefer a safe course of local school, solid profession, less debt that is another matter.
However, some of these instructions have truly brilliant teaching and very small group and a lot of brilliant scholars too, all congregated in one place at an impressionable age, throw in the self belief and can do attitude, one can see why the alumni list is what it is (both in terms of positive and negative).

Some of these answers are crackers. If you can't understand why a parent would put themselves under financial pressure to benefit their child, then why the hell have you even got kids.

OP- your son has been given an opportunity that most people would never get in any lifetime. I can 100% see why you'd do anything you can to help him get there! Obviously if this is going to put you into poverty then you can't do it. How much extra are your mortgage payments going to be? Can you downsize instead?
What kind of life are you living atm? Already struggling or living comfortably and have room to cut back?
I think it will be worth every penny!

I’m not nonplussed about the news story but I am a little non-plussed by your response. Am I incorrect to describe it as impropriety? I believe being hysterical about things really doesn’t help. And it’s always worth having a think about the difference between emotions and sentiment. As for the thing about being messed-up, I think you’ll find that to be a fairly widespread, intolerant and rigid way of describing someone who doesn’t react or think as you do. I fully appreciate that today everyone is expected to breast-beat and self-flagellate and share every thought and feeling but I don’t subscribe to that particular form of ‘sharing’. Sorry.

I was one of the people who referred to budgeting for therapy, and I didn't say it to be cruel. I said it because I left boarding school over 30 years ago and have spent over half of that time in therapy and on antidepressants, and had two breakdowns, one of which was only a couple of years ago. I don't attribute all of that to the boarding experience, but it certainly didn't help.

Other than the more conspicuous situations pupils can experience, such as bullying or home sickness, there are lots of intangibles like the way children can maladaptively manage various stresses, and these can have a pernicious and long-lasting effect on mental health.

I do not think boarding school is a good environment for anyone who suffers with anxiety, or if you do not happily fit in with your peers. I was not a particularly odd child, nor was I unsociable, nor am I neurodivergent, but it's still difficult to spend 24 hours a day with other adolescents.

i'm very sorry to hear of your experience @auserna - i hope you're in a better place now.

I think adolescence is tough in many situations and sometimes boarding can make things worse. And I completely agree that it won't suit some people at all.

@Araminta1003 - really good point, thank you. It's the lack of control and the fear of the unknown (e.g. the effects of the war in Iran on mortgage rates). I don't do well with unknown risks - I'd always rather pay more for certainty, so will be exploring various options to try to de-risk this if we do go ahead.

I have heard a real advantage of Eton is private bedrooms. So at least a child can get some privacy away from the others there.

Thank you.

I'm sure people have more positive experiences than I did, but I think parents need to have their eyes open - and keep them open even when things appear to be going smoothly, as it's very easy to hide things when you're away from home for weeks at a time.

I think that is a huge advantage. And it's not just privacy in terms of things like getting changed, it's being able to shut the door on everything and just be on your own.

In the younger years we had dorms of ten or so, and I remember constructing "walls" out of wardrobes to try to have some privacy.

Yes, it is a huge advantage.

I don't agree with the premise that public school kids are being discriminated against at uni - i think it's more that they are losing their advantage and unis are trying to look beyond the polish and see what the raw material is.

To be honest Op I believe the universities have always been trying - and mostly managing - to do this. As you say, there are a lot of scholarships and bursaries to these schools and competition to enter them is fierce so they are putting forward strong candidates. I don't think it was ever quite the warped intake based on "polish" that public perception suggests. In interviews, at least, they are very skilled at getting behind that. I think the truth is that the same candidate from a state school would get an advantage over the exact same candidate from a public school (and many will say that's as it should be) so that is, to a degree, an advantage worth factoring in. The cold hard fact is the intakes have changed,

Oxbridge have to factor resilience into their admissions too now. Let’s face it there too - it’s a pressure cooker hothouse so not just about academic prowess but also life skills, social skills, managing everything thrown at you in 8 weeks and thriving despite that. It cannot just be based on who „deserves“ the opportunity, it has to also be based on who is going to take the opportunity and thrive off the back of it with the support available, being realistic.

This sounds very patronising. Like you think only people whose parents went to university should be allowed into Oxbridge, because otherwise the poor souls won’t be able to cope. When actually, people who have had to do their A level homework on a mobile phone in crowded temporary accommodation will have 1000x more resilience than a fourth generation uni applicant hailing from a book-lined North Oxford villa