Boarding School wobble

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So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees

You can’t afford it. The fees are only one aspect of private school life.

This. It isnt just about the fees and the school costs..there are so many other expenses...he may feel inadequate if you have to keep saying no.. I dont think it is worth remortgaging your home for. Its not everything. Your expectations are very high and somewhat unrealistic, therefore combined with the financial pressure you may regret this.

This is ridiculous advice. The school (or their financial representatives) will require detailed financial information every year from families in receipt of bursaries. This will include full bank statements, P60s, credit card statements, mortgage statements, proof of EVERYTHING they spend. You cannot hide income! And if you do, and they subsequently find out, your bursary will be withdrawn and you will lose your school place. You want to risk that happening when your child is already in Year 10?!

Is he desperate to go to Eton? If not, I’d definitely not send him.

I say this with kids at independent schools and knowing quite a few Eton boys.

The school is great, but not worth remortgaging your house for! As you say, he’ll get straight 9’s wherever he goes.

Sorry OP I think this is madness to do given the level of debt it will put you in. Do you have other children or do you only have 1? If you only have 1 i can see maybe its doable if you have more you will be sending your son to boarding school at the financial detriment of them.

I think also you've just drunk the kool-aid if you think boarding school allows a young person to be themselves more. A day school where they can switch off at 4pm and connect with their actual self, in the safety of their family home, is so much better for this than an institution where you are expected to be "on" all the time masking 24/7. With public school you as parents are paying for the child to moulded. They are kept busy so they don't have time to think too much. Boarding school is not a place to find yourself, it's a place you learn and practice fitting in.

@SingleSexSpacesInSchoolsyes I have a good friend who is a psychotherapist and her specialism is boarding school trauma.
At least the damaged adults who are unable to form healthy attachments can afford therapy because of how it advanced their careers though hey.

Thanks for helping me not look mad! Yeah it's really a thing, a big thing.

Indeed. And OP, your comment that you want him to go there so that he can "be himself" is somewhat ironic, given the pressure he'll be under to be someone he most definitely is not in order to fit in with his fellow pupils from fantastically wealthy backgrounds.

That’s crazy! You are thinking very short term! What if Eton decides suddenly to increase the fees more than you have predicted, what if something happens to you or your partner (touch wood) etc? Also did you know that unis like Oxford, Cambridge etc prioritise kids from public schools as they had so much bad publicity from getting only Eton kids & the likes? If I were you, I would get him to a grammar school, support him with the uni fees and save some money for his first house. That way you have set him for life!

Where is he at school now? Eton is 13+ do is he at state secondary or prep school?

a decent state secondary with you being able to afford extra curricula like music, perhaps a family trip to cultural ax In the summer etc is potentially better than being the struggling kid at a posh school

Can you go back to Eton and ask for a reassessment of your finances?

Eton is like no other school, and the opportunities that come from being there are like now where else. The lifetime of contacts that he will get from being there will set your son up for life.

Their famous alumni do not do it any favours....

If you will struggle that much financially, I would question whether you will actually get the most out of Eton anyway. Being financially stretched at that type of school may actually make him self conscious and left out. I would personally go to a local school and use additional money for targeted activities and trips that focus on his interests. He’ll probably be happier with you and having a happy and not stressed family means a lot stability wise for kids.

It’s true Eton is a very wealthy school and can offer substantial bursaries but it’s not the case that other boarding schools don’t offer generous bursaries up to 100% who might offer a higher bursary than current offer. It’s a bit moot now as he’s already got his offers.

I was really thinking of Christ’s Hospital which is means tested up to 100% of the fees and a more affordable boarding school.

I wouldn’t live like that.
i wouldn’t evej remortgage the house

thats a massive commitment

I think you mean some of the famous alumni...

I think I agree with this in certain situations op. You are really stretching to send him, and even you have admitted it isn't for the education per se.

I think you need to think hard about the "for his confidence" type analysis, as the truth is lots of boys go to Eton and don't necessarily get confidence from it (sometimes the opposite) - and if he does, it may not be the sort you want!

I could understand if you said you felt the teaching was so phenomenal you couldn't pass it up, but if, as you say, he will get 9s anywhere, I think you need to think really hard about the nature of the "value add." Especially when he is coming home to a household under pressure to provide it. That isn't necessarily a healthy situation for him.

May I just say that I know of people who themselves went to Eton or Winchester but for their own children chose a local good private, selective school ( grammar school would also be good) even though money was not the main issue, and this worked out very well for their DC.

As you would need to mortgage your house there would be so much your family would miss out on that would benefit your ds as much as Eton would add, more probably, if you had to do without those benefits iyswim.

It would be different if you were moving g around abroad a lot or something.

I am assuming OP wants her son to go to Eton, not only for the kudos, but for the fantastic opportunities he will get later by attending the school. There's no doubt it (and similar schools) produce well-rounded, sociable people, who can get on with anybody and can converse on a wide range of subjects. I do have experience of Eton as my cousins went there and are lovely men. However, the financial obligations sound as if they would be untenable and so perhaps OP's son would be better off at grammar school, as well as relieving the financial worries for OP and her husband.

Contgrats to your son. Have you considered schools Eton partners with like holyport college?
is day only an option - would this be cheaper?

The lifetime of contacts that he will get from being there will set your son up for life.

As someone who is "inside" that world, I think it pays to fact check that. Those days of the Old Boy Clubs are not what they were. I wouldn't advise anyone to go on that basis.

To begin with, huge tranches of the intake are now international. It's not like they all trundle up the road to London to work in daddy's chambers or daddy's bank anymore.

My parents rented all their life to allow me and my sister to go to uni in the uk… sometimes they could not pay their electricity bills and they went without for days. this has been life changing. I have a great job with a very big salary, bought them a flat back home, I have enough saving to pay in case they need assistance if they are old, my kids go to private schools. I thank them every single day.

This opportunity will never come your way again. The benefits are ostensibly way in excess of grades, being educational environment, peers, social mobility, exposure to different horizons. And it is for a very short period of time vs the child's lifetime, or the length of time you live with mortgages.

You're clear that you're not sending him for the results which he would get in any really good school and which you do have available to you.

The real point of Eton is the furtherance of the Old Boys' Network, instilling supreme confidence in and educating the unintelligent sons of the rich in a manner that enables them to present as clever and educated when they are not.

Your son does not need to be removed from his family and institutionalised in this place as the poor boy among the obscenely wealthy in order to achieve his full potential.

His classmates will be talking about their second and third homes and skiing trips to Aspen while looking down their noses at him.

What about all the secondary costs associated with sending him there? School trips are expensive in big standard schools, one can only imagine the cost of an Eton skiing trip to Canada! You need to consider the costs of sporting equipment and extra curriculars as well.

I'd send him to the grammar, spend the money on cultural activities and avoid the real and acknowledged trauma of boarding school.. has it really changed that much since the days when the sons of the gentry were sent there to be broken and remade as the sort of sociopaths required to run an Empire?