Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

@TheBeaTgoeson1 - you’re not at all unusual in having absolutely no idea how this school operates or the ethos behind their centuries old bursary policy!

I guess you’re also not in the least interested in the fact that around 20% of all boys at the school are in receipt of some level of bursary - but for people who are, the details are here:

https://www.etoncollege.com/admissions/financial-aid/

Yes I have. Comments like “I’d never send mine away to board” and “You’ll also need to factor in his therapy fees” aren’t particularly kind to someone who has decided that boarding may suit their child. I say that as someone who wouldn’t choose boarding, but know that it does suit some children. The OP was asking about financial sacrifices, not for opinions on whether posters agree with boarding.

Unfortunately the media don’t help. Many are left with the opinion that everyone at this type of school is ultra wealthy, with endless homes, staff, and luxuries. It’s simply not true. As you say, many are on bursaries, others sacrifice a lot, and most of the extremely wealthy don’t go around bragging about what they have anyway.

It is both unimaginative and immature to sweep aside any posters that disagree or offer and alternative pov as trolls.

You asked for, and have been offered, opinions from parents who have been in the same or similar situations, who have first hand experience of boarding and fee paying schools and the financial and emotional considerations that go alongside.

To decide that anyone who is less than 100% positive is a troll or 'just doesn't understand' is both rude and counter to your OP purpose.

Posters who have made decisions to send their children to boarding schools or to sacrifice their financial security to pay fees have to convince themselves that anyone who has issues with such decisions is somehow dim or lacking experience of their world, rather than having a valid pov they could try to consider and understand.

Even on a 60% bursary at Eton, parents would be paying upwards of £25k/year from a post tax salary or income.

It is simply ludicrous to suggest that anyone who can afford to spend more than a lot of adult's full time working salary on one child's schooling is anything other than wealthy and privileged.

Children are not stupid and living and attending school alongside peers who have homes abroad, ski every year, fly internationally every holiday etc when you've only ever been camping and gone as far as the Isle of Wight in your life causes a cultural rift!

If you have to remortgage your home for school fees then you can’t afford it. Be sensible

Why on earth would you send a dc to boarding school if you have other options where they will do perfectly well? That seems insane to me. Dc do best in their emotional development in a nurturing family, most people who opt for boarding schools are trying to offset poor educational options locally.

It also sounds like you can't afford it. Have you planned for all the extra costs like uniform and trips? Have you considered the impact on him of being in a school where he lacks parity of lifestyle with his peers?

If I lived in a grammar school area and was sure my child would get in, then not a chance would I send him to Eton if doing so would mean taking equity out of my house. That’s insane.

Around 8% pay no fees at all. Around 20% receive some kind of fee reduction, with the average reduction being a 70% reduction.

So at a 70% reduction those families are paying £19k basic (before trips and uniforms etc) annually per child from post taxed income. Again, to have this money available to spend on schooling makes you incredibly wealthy and privileged.

Going to a school where the vast majority (80%) of people are paying more like £63,000 per child per year BASIC means your child is immersed in a culture of unimaginable wealth and privilege. It is impossible to exist in that environment without it impacting your relationships and expectations etc.

Anyone denying that and handwaving such vast sums away is proving the point tbh.

My concern would be what if one of you is out of work ? Could you still cover the mortgage

People are not "trolling". People are pointing out that they do not think it wise for people to remortgage their houses to send academically highly able children away from their parents who they are very close to.

Did you know there is a large and in hugely demand specialism of psychotherapists who deal exclusively in the emotional fall out of attending boarding school?

Just saying...

@ArtHistory , are you or your son's father employed by a company that supports charities.

I can't remember the details, but I think there are some companies who will pay part of school fees through the school being a registered charity.

I might be barking up the wrong tree but it's worth investigating.

I worked for a company many years ago, and I think it worked something like if you needed to raise £2K for a charity place to to run the London Marathon, you could raise £1K and the company would match it. If you paid the first half of the school fees (to a school that was a registered charity), they'd match it.

I don’t know that I’d be so confident that my child would be getting all 9s.

For reference, I have a DC who got 100% on their Y6 SATS and is currently studying for GCSEs at Grammar. They’ll realistically be getting a mix of 7s, 8s, and 9s. 9s are equivalent to A star star. Most children cannot achieve A** in 10 (or more) subjects.

OP, I totally understand wanting to give your DS a top-flight education. But it does sound like a stretch, so I was wondering, what about a really good day school, if you were able to get a similar bursary? Contact some options and let them know that he has got into Eton but even with the bursary it's a stretch, and see if they will consider him. Be truthful about it all, and remember that if you don't ask, you don't get. They will be impressed that he got into Eton and will surely look at him.

My husband went to a top-flight school and his nephew went to Eton. No matter what people think about private schools and boarding schools, and their potential social issues, the quality of the actual education is world-class. Don't let PP put you off this dream of the best education. But it doesn't have to be Eton.

I’d be interested in how you determined this was the right fit for him. What specifically about Elton made you think this is the place that will allow him to be most himself?

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure?

Yes, especially when you've got excellent schools including state run nearby and he's going to get top grades wherever he goes anyway and he's happy at home with you. Be honest, what are your real reasons for wanting to do this?

Crazy to consider and now you have to explain your son he can't go as promised?

Yes it's crazy and personally I think it's too much pressure on a child. He will know you have had to remortgage your house to pay for his fees, that will add to the pressure that will obviously be there at Eton and he will be mixing with extremely wealthy people.
I don't think it's good for your child or for you as a family
Why do you want to send him there?

Its absolutely crazy. When you leave school no job college or uni askes what school you went to. They are only interested in results. If he will achieve greatness in life its hard work from him not the place of education
Financial its a bad idea a remortgage is a lot of expensive for nothing as I said above the exams are the same no matter what school. A remortgage also would effect your credit rating.

'I genuinely don't think everyone was being unkind. If your son would perform well in any school, what is it about Eton that made you choose it? '

Op, I don't know any dc at private school whose parents remortgaged to pay for it. We have to be realistic with our lives and finances and the fact is you can't afford it.

He'll do well wherever. Send him to the local grammar and have more cash for a better quality of life at home.

I would send him to a local school and maybe he could weekly board for sixth form somewhere to give more independence when he is almost an adult. DD2's boyfriend does that and finds it a nice balance.

I have a child in a grammar school in Year 7. Frankly, there are a lot of kids who are going to get pretty much straight 9s and are talented extracurricularly, and in some cases to insane levels. Half of DS friends seem to already have grade 8 this and that plus county and national sports and all sorts. It is excellent and competitive. But I assume at Eton the teaching will be better and the facilities will be infinitely better, especially for Music, things like Rowing, meeting all sorts of famous politicians in talks. Although mine did have some local MPs visit regularly too.
You said you could afford the fees from salary when you applied? And you clearly have lots of equity in your house. The full bursaries are meant for boys who do not have much at all and the school are still helping you and your job situation is stable. It is only fair you pay something that does cost you a lot too, I think that is the whole point of bursaries. I guess they want people to make some sacrifice to value the education in the first place rather than just think they can get a free ride. The free rides are for those who really have nothing else.
Is your DS in Year 6 so you can just say yes and start at grammar anyway and wait and see or is he in Year 7 or 8 already so you have to decide now?

“He’ll get straight 9s wherever he goes” - what?? Your son is age 10/11 right now (or possibly in year 8?). That’s a bold statement. This sounds nuts. You have great options on your doorstep. Remortgaging to send your child to Eton tells me that you want him to go to Eton for a particular reason. If it’s not for grades, being at a ‘good’ school etc. then it is for status, social climbing and bragging.