Boarding School wobble

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So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Community?
Sending your kid to Eton isn't exactly community minded.

I am all for top education but would never consider packing my dc off to be minded by people who have not his best interest at heart. I have met support staff in the boarding school system and similar places. Hell would freeze over before I handed my dc to them. Won't say more but IYKYK.

People are not trolls just because they disagree with something you said or give their opinion on the situation and it's not what you want to hear.

Yes, exactly.

As much as I think in many ways Eton is a great opportunity, I agree with all of this more.

He will thrive better at home, with his parents, in a decent school, with decent teachers, and pupils who he relates to more.

THIS.

I have not read every post, but I'm assuming you have a huge amount of equity ( a tiny or no mortgage) as no school would expect you to re-mortgage if it left you with unsustainable payments .

If the remortgage puts you like most people and you can expect to clear it by the end of the mortgage term send him!

We are in the same boat,different school, but releasing equity after nearly paying off our mortgage to send our DC private, as the local state is not working and we are in a position to do it with no real impact to our lives.

Its only crazy sending children to private school if you are relying on salary and shedloads of people do that anyway. With us we scoop a large sum out and it covers fees, allowing for inflation of fees , it doesn't rely on our jobs or a kind relative who might change their mind or have some unexpected life event that turns off the golden tap.

Go for it OP and good luck and congrats on gaining a place and the bursary.

My children went to our local primary school & private fee paying secondary school. We had sold a business & could easily afford it & yes it was worth it. If our local comprehensive school had an excellent reputation & offered similar extra curricular activities, sport,music,drama etc we would not have chosen to go private. We had a choice of moving house a few miles away to where the school did compare well but we chose to go private & didn't regret it.

If I had the least bit of worry & concern about finances,family holidays, lifestyle etc I wouldn't have considered it especially if there was a good school on my doorstep. Its a choice only you can make OP & I wish you well. Your son sounds like he would excell & be happy regardless of your choice. There are pros & cons for both.

I meant to add,there were boarders at our chosen school although its not a road I would personally have chosen but thats also a choice & what you would be comfortable with. It was hard enough having them leave for university 😂

Do you have other children? Are you going to be doing (or have you done) the same for them?

If he is your only child, and this is what you want, then it would be a shame to turn it down.

We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop)

Why would music and art have to drop because he goes to grammar instead of Eton? You can pay for a lot of private tuition for music with the money you will save and if he turns out to be very good he can play in a county orchestra or even audition for a national orchestra. He could even go to one of the Junior Conservatoires at the weekend if he's very talented and puts in the work.

There are plenty of opportunities all over the country now for very talented youngsters in sport and music.
The problem that you would have has nothing to do with which school he goes to and that is that it's difficult to excel in two areas like sport and music because of the amount of time and effort and practice needed to do so.
Even if he was at Eton you'd have the same issue.
I'm a professional musician, never went to boarding school and still had outstanding opportunities growing up.

If the bursary was offered based on what you could afford at the time, but with inflation and fiscal drag you can now afford less, can you not ask for the bursary to be increased?

Eton is a fantastic school and this is a great opportunity for your son if you can afford it, but not if you have to cripple yourselves to achieve that.

We are lucky in that we can (just) manage boarding school fees out of income, but when our youngest DC leaves we will have zero savings beyond the equity in our home and our pensions. I am planning to manage this by delaying my retirement by several years and putting the money that was going into school fees into savings. But I did refuse to do what friends have done and re-mortgage or cash out pensions.

Good luck.

I'm not sure I follow this reasoning! 'Its only crazy sending children to private school if you are relying on salary'. Yet it's okay to remortgage your house to pay the fees. And what are you then paying your mortgage with? Salary...?!

What if i've paid off my mortgage and have few large outgoings. Is it still 'crazy' to send a child to private school paying the fees from my (secure) salary?

@fast50 There’s next to no prospect of a grammar at 13. I’m in a grammar county and they are full. This DS must be at a prep so who is paying fees now? Remortgage and invest it! You are just going to have to suck it up. You made the decision though and you cannot deny him now!

Opportunity of a lifetime though isn’t it.

How much money are we talking OP? Vs income and compared to your mortgage?

Talk to Eton about it. See what they say. My friend’s son got into Eton for a 60%ish bursary that included extracurriculars and (second hand) uniform. It was still expensive but they could manage it.

I personally wouldn’t give this opportunity up without a fight. Eton isn’t about academics or grades. It’s about the network. You literally would not be able to replicate the network he’d build at any other school in the world.

I can only begin to imagine how out of place he is going to feel coming from a family who have had to remortgage to put him there. You are going to put him at a huge disadvantage to his peer group, and make him feel inadequate all the time. You can’t afford it, send him somewhere else.

I went to one of those types of schools and so did my brother (not eton specifically). I think it’s a waste of money personally. It’s not like the olden days when the name of your school alone will open doors so saying “eton” or “harrow” BAM lands you a job in the city. He will have to compete with women, international students for starters who won’t give a crap where he went to school. Besides, boarding does change the family dynamic and parent-child bond, despite what mums of boarders like to pretend.

Times have changed. Don’t waste your money.

Ok, you were asking for opinions from people who’ve really stretched themselves to go private….we have, but not a top rated public school - ours go to a significantly more basic private day school (both Dh & I went to top public boarding schools and neither have particularly fond memories so knew we didn’t want that for our kids - if they know it’s a stretch, they may be reticent to let you know they’re not happy/struggling). The opportunities afforded to them have been worth it but our finances/pensions cause me a lot of worry…if my kids were the sort who would have excelled anywhere and we had good grammar /state options locally we would absolutely have used those …I think you’d be mad not to. If you do decide to go ahead make sure they know there are other options available if they’re not happy.

I can see why you think that’s a fabulous opportunity, but if you are sacrificing a happy and secure family life and financial security then is it worth it? Essentially, if he’s going to get great results anyway then what does Eton offer beyond hobnobbing with richer people. Art, music and the like can be accessed in other ways. Your son will have his feet on the ground if he doesn’t go there. My personal opinion is that I wouldn’t even consider it but sending you support with your decision and wishing you both all the best

We remortgaged for one of ours to board (not Eton , she’s a girl) and in hindsight I’m not sure if it was worth it. She went for 4 yrs on a sports scholarship and we still had to borrow extra money on the house - shame as our mortgage would be nearly over by now. She made good friends & had fun but her GCSE grades were very average. Incidentally, a very good friend’s son left Eton last year, he is meant to be super smart and got all 7s & 8s - good grades but certainly not what I’d expect a bright Etonion to get) - my state grammar Dd got far better grades than both and we didn’t pay a penny for her school.
Once our dd left boarding for state 6th form we were so relieved to have more money - it’s very stressful worrying about the invoice each term, and any extras that come in. Personally for us, if I’m honest I wouldn’t do it again. I also don’t think boarding school is the best place for most children - having done both, I wouldn’t recommend it. Children flourish better at home (provided they have a nice, happy, stable home life - I can see the need for it more with families who travel a lot or there is instability at home) and there are far fewer toxic influences than at school (so much underage sex, drugs and alcohol- and it’s the same at all boarding schools - those who tell you it’s not are very, very naive)
if I were you I’d go grammar and save the stress and money for educational trips, holidays and university which is also very expensive. Good luck.

Our children were similar. We sent them to boarding on a bursary and they had an absolutely fantastic time, with incredible opportunities.
I do think they would have also had a great time at a grammar or good comp, but that wasn't an option for us as we move around.
We could afford the fees and one large trip each with several smaller trips. We always had an old banger. No one was snobby towards us though, but our kids were very popular so that may have helped.

Unfortunately, the boarding school and private school boards always attract some very anti private sector posters (often unkind and spiteful). I’m not sure why they even engage with these boards if they’re not of interest to them and they disagree with them.

Personally, I do think it’s worth the sacrifices to send your child to the best school that you can offer them. Some people may not like boarding or single sex schools, but it’s the right environment for some (not all) children.

I don’t think I’ll ever look back and regret our decision to send them to the schools we did. We did a lot of research into different schools and chose ones which suited our children. They are thriving and are very happy.

Look at your options on their own merits. Forget the cost to start with; which school would you choose assuming they were all state funded? Then, assuming Eton is definitely the best fit, decide if you can really afford it. Some people may disagree, but I wouldn’t send mine to a school I wasn’t almost 100% sure that I could see through to the end from a financial point of view. Take account of uniform, extras, and some trips (not all pupils go on all trips). Ignore the posters saying your son won’t fit in with the super wealthy. Yes, there are some extremely wealthy families, but there are also some hard working families who are sacrificing a lot, and usually around 20% on means tested bursaries. Not everyone is driving around in luxury cars, with multiple homes and going on endless luxury holidays, and those that do are usually perfectly nice and friendly to others. On the whole, pupils don’t seem to care about the background of others.

To answer your question about making fees manageable and general affordability, I'm going to say if you can't easily afford it (and by easily, I mean, still have holidays, live an enriching extra-curricular life, have enough spare for unexpected bills/emergencies etc...) then no, it's not worth it.

And even if you can easily afford it, do not underestimate how exhausting it is to keep shelling out for all that will be asked of you (including experiences that his peers may be enjoying that he won't be able to afford. Although on the plus side, his drug and alcohol intake will be less as he won't have the money).
I speak from an angle of someone who sent 3 kids privately. Was it worth the money academically? No! Of course not. They would have been fine anywhere. But I am in the easily afford camp and they loved all the sport .

If, however, he is your only and you don't mind taking a risk on your future and you don't have to consider any other children and what they would miss out on, then you might think it is worth putting all your eggs in one basket - and hope that egg (or you) doesn't crack under the pressure.

Don’t do it. Really. You can’t afford it. You don’t want him to go. Don’t do it.

How far away is Eton from your home OP?

Have you actually read the thread? There has been a respectful difference of opinions, but no unkindness.