"I've never slept with a black woman before"

[Blackisblackisblack]

I'm looking for black perspective, please.

So, been single a while and had been talking to this guy, online.

Met up for coffee earlier today, and it went well. We both have a lot in common, work-wise, and we have adult children the same age (although I have a younger child as well).

We arranged to meet again tomorrow, and we've been talking/texting throughout today.

I've not long checked my phone and there's a message from him: "I've never slept with a black woman before."

So, wise black mumsnetters, do I let him know why I no longer wish to be involved or do I just cut him off?

I thought to cut him off, but my friend thinks that's harsh, since I've met him..

What is WRONG with people?

@Blackisblackisblack

he probably thought you should be grateful - he's going outside his usual demographic just for you!!

This!!

Yes! Maybe in a weird (completely unacceptable) way he was trying to tell you that you weren't a 'kink' or he was only with you because you're his 'type'. I hadn't thought of that. He's still an arsehole though.

I posted this to give a different perspective to the views which have suggested you should cut your friend off too!

My friend is white. But she's usually spot on with things like this, or has been, in the past.

Her fiance is black and she has mixed raced children, so I'm very suprised that she'd let this shit fly!

She texted earlier to see how I was and whether its still on for Sat, so we can chat then.

She did ask if I'd heard back from the "dickhead", so maybe she's realised..

Hi. Just thought I'd look in and see how you are doing. It was heartening that so many women posted to give you support and saw him for what he was.

I think your friend's wish to see you having a bit of fun, got in the way of her thinking straight. Given that she is a mum of children who might get similar comment in the future, she needs get her radar sorted.

I bet the plantpot is full of righteous indignation today ( as well as bullshit). He is very much the dumpee and he knows it. All he could do was flounce.

You are a beautiful woman. You are also black. Swerve anyone who reduces you to your skin colour, or who wants to talk skin colour when you are on early dates. Even if they sound "nice." A big red flag.

So head up sister! You deserve better than that plonker.

Ergh! I hate this.

A friend of mine (who was white, but very tanned) had men constantly tell her she was "exotic" and beautiful. They'd say stuff like, 'have you been on holiday, you're so brown' or 'you can't be English, you're so dark'. Another mixed-race friend would have similar. I think some men fetishise "exoticness". Which is bloody weird.

OP, I think you are right, cut him off, you shouldn't have to explain why. Your friend is acting strange about it too.

@Blackisblackisblack

BlackandGreen

Thanks. I wish I hadn't phoned him..

I find it quite humiliating that I've now become the dumpee

I'm even more angry than before.

Wish I'd listened to y'all.

Back to the drawing board..

I'm not going to say I told you so (although I did ) because you wanted to call him so at least you were proactive and you can be absolutely completely sure - for yourself, rather than us telling you, that he's a nobhead. Good riddance to him.

Ok maybe it wasn't exactly racist but come on, you're not running fucking Virgin Experience Days here!

What a weirdo. Tell him you've never slept with a trained ape and you're not about to start now.

You aren't the dumpee. He's basically done the equivalent of:

You're fired.

No I'm not because I quit!

Ok maybe it wasn't exactly racist but come on,

It was racist.

@Blackisblackisblack

I've just spoken with him!

I told him that I needed him to know what it was not okay to send me messages like that. He kept silent I also told him that I hadn't thought about sex with him, never mind the colour of person I'd be sleeping with. He then said he hadn't meant to offend me but realised when I didn't respond that he'd probably put his foot in it

He said he understood why I was angry, and asked if I still was. I obviously said yes and he then stated that he doesn't want to be with someone who was negative and angry and then he fkn hung up!!

I'm off to bed!

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

This is why you should not tolerate racists no try to teach them.

@Starseeking

If your friend is Black, it's surprising that she didn't find his comment offensive; every single Black friend I know has had this comment from a white man at some point in their dating lives. The offence comes from the objectification and othering. Most of my friendship group usually date/marry Black men due to the inherent cultural aspects (to some degree).

If your friend isn't Black, then she's speaking from a point of privilege, and of never having been subjected to these kinds of comments.

I have a close white friend, my only white friend in fact. We've known each other 30 years, and we're just over 40. Our friendship is based on a shared sense of humour, enjoyment of each other's company and knowing where all the bodies are buried! We don't talk about race, as it doesn't come up in our conversations, and that's ok. Although she will never understand anything racial if I did bring issues up, she will be a friend for life.

I posted this to give a different perspective to the views which have suggested you should cut your friend off too!

Absolutely this @Starseeking. Well said re: the fetish, and the friends. My experience also.

It's interesting how you became the angry black women within seconds. I bet there is more and you have just dodged a bullet.

@maddy68

It's no different to saying "I've never slept with a blonde woman, or a red head , or a French woman. It matters more in the context it was used.

None of those comments would be ok in the context OP has provided.

@Blackisblackisblack, sorry this happened, count it as a lucky escape, hope better men are on the horizon.

AnotherEmma

I'm not going to say I told you so...

Yes, you did. As did many others. It seemed like a great idea at the time

11:20BlackandGreen

Hi. Just thought I'd look in and see how you are doing. It was heartening that so many women posted to give you support and saw him for what he was.

I think your friend's wish to see you having a bit of fun, got in the way of her thinking straight. Given that she is a mum of children who might get similar comment in the future, she needs get her radar sorted.

I bet the plantpot is full of righteous indignation today ( as well as bullshit). He is very much the dumpee and he knows it. All he could do was flounce.

You are a beautiful woman. You are also black. Swerve anyone who reduces you to your skin colour, or who wants to talk skin colour when you are on early dates. Even if they sound "nice." A big red flag.

So head up sister! You deserve better than that plonker. smile

Thank you for your support. It's appreciated . I'm still laughing at Busta Gonad! 🤣

:28debbrianna

It's interesting how you became the angry black women within seconds. I bet there is more and you have just dodged a bullet.

Yes, I clocked that.

Mind you, it meant that he could swerve all accountability and try and turn it on to me.

Like someone else said, different set of circs but same script...

Imagine him going into work.

"How did your date go Busta ?"

Massive lols from all the women if he dares tell the truth! Cos, you know, they've worked with him long enough.......

I'm white so hope it's ok to post.

That message was wrong from so many points of view, too soon, jumping to sex/assuming it will happen plus the whole fetishisation of black women.

He probably thought you'd jump at the chance to pop his black cherry. You should've been flattered and all weak at the knees to be his first. What an honour! How dare you not to be eternally grateful (to be his trophy shag)but to also get angry? . Yeah typical male twat with a smear of racism too.

I was hoping(and probably so were you) that he'd understand, apologise,own up to it and try to be better, even if not with you then with the next woman. Ofc , instead he turned it all on you , made himself a victim and checked out. Looking at yourself through the eyes of a woman is ugly hard work.

The only sad thing is that probably he won't be dumb/arrogant enough to say it again and another thing omen might waste more than a coffee on him.

I am still so pissed off on your behalf

Imagine him going into work.

"How did your date go Busta ?"*

Massive lols from all the women if he dares tell the truth! Cos, you know, they've worked with him long enough.......

Yep, he's just a creep!

ldontWanna

Spot on!

Like you say, he'll know that it's a "what I probably shouldn't say" but would still have the same thought process.

Yuck!

RandomMess, just so messed up, isn't it.

I'm going to say a few things here that I think perhaps some of us will find offensive or controversial. That is not my intention, at all.

The first time I was intimate with a white man I did think 'oh my gosh I've never slept with a white guy before'. I think I might have spoken to a friend about it before or after, but I know that I had the conversation because I recall it going something like 'oh yeah, I have too and xxxx' and then came the girly type sex talk. I wasn't reducing him to his skin colour, and my feelings for him hadn't altered, but it felt like I was making a big decision, a very loaded one, much of the why's and wherefores I don't want to go into on here. I might even have said this to him. It was 15 years ago so I honestly can't recall but it would have been a conversation he would have engaged in.

Now, we can't really ever invert things as though they are the same. A white man saying that to a black woman is not the same as a black woman doing so to a white man. But I do think that sometimes these things do need a discussion.

You had yours and it turns out this man was diabolical. However, I can imagine an alternative outcome where he might not have been. As we all know, sex isn't a neutral category that exists outside of the other racist structures we wrestle with everyday. Sex with someone from another 'race' felt incredibly transgressive for me. It might be remarkable for someone else for another reason. Worth a discussion as with many other parts of relationships, including interracial ones.

@Jamdown123

I'm going to say a few things here that I think perhaps some of us will find offensive or controversial. That is not my intention, at all.

The first time I was intimate with a white man I did think 'oh my gosh I've never slept with a white guy before'. I think I might have spoken to a friend about it before or after, but I know that I had the conversation because I recall it going something like 'oh yeah, I have too and xxxx' and then came the girly type sex talk. I wasn't reducing him to his skin colour, and my feelings for him hadn't altered, but it felt like I was making a big decision, a very loaded one, much of the why's and wherefores I don't want to go into on here. I might even have said this to him. It was 15 years ago so I honestly can't recall but it would have been a conversation he would have engaged in.

Now, we can't really ever invert things as though they are the same. A white man saying that to a black woman is not the same as a black woman doing so to a white man. But I do think that sometimes these things do need a discussion.

You had yours and it turns out this man was diabolical. However, I can imagine an alternative outcome where he might not have been. As we all know, sex isn't a neutral category that exists outside of the other racist structures we wrestle with everyday. Sex with someone from another 'race' felt incredibly transgressive for me. It might be remarkable for someone else for another reason. Worth a discussion as with many other parts of relationships, including interracial ones.

Yeah, but you observed it as a reflection after you had been intimate. You didn’t say it to him, after one coffee, as a foregone conclusion that you were going to shag him. (And that part isn’t ‘reversible’ either).

You had yours and it turns out this man was diabolical. However, I can imagine an alternative outcome where he might not have been. As we all know, sex isn't a neutral category that exists outside of the other racist structures we wrestle with everyday. Sex with someone from another 'race' felt incredibly transgressive for me. It might be remarkable for someone else for another reason. Worth a discussion as with many other parts of relationships, including interracial ones.

Hi ya, jamdown123

Yes, these things should be discussed and, as you rightly point out, he was diabolical.

But I think it was the fact that he'd mentioned sex, and skin colour, after I'd only met him the once. I understand these things should be talked about as I don't believe in colourblindness.

But if he'd have said dated; to me, that would have been a different ball game and an honest discussion could have been had.

But it was the unprompted sex bit, and the black woman bit, after having met me for just a few hours.

It felt creepy.

I've slept with men from all colours of the rainbow so these things don't faze me. But if they did, I wouldn't be approaching it as if I was after a notch on the bed post.

And, judging by your post, it obviously was a big deal to you, and that's understandable. But this guy was assuming that we would have sex..

I think, to me, it felt like it was a rite of passage for him; a mental list of 'ten things I want to do before I die'.