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Black Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Original poster

"I've never slept with a black woman before"

237 replies

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 21:07

I'm looking for black perspective, please.

So, been single a while and had been talking to this guy, online.

Met up for coffee earlier today, and it went well. We both have a lot in common, work-wise, and we have adult children the same age (although I have a younger child as well).

We arranged to meet again tomorrow, and we've been talking/texting throughout today.

I've not long checked my phone and there's a message from him: "I've never slept with a black woman before."

So, wise black mumsnetters, do I let him know why I no longer wish to be involved or do I just cut him off?

I thought to cut him off, but my friend thinks that's harsh, since I've met him..

OP posts:
SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 22:44

Has he called yet, @Blackisblackisblack?

I'm so sorry, I can imagine your disappointment after your first date went well, then texting and talking only for it to descend into the gutter. Men don't just waste time, do they? But it's also a blessing in disguise. It's one date, move on. You'll find someone who sees you.

I'm Black by the way, incase it isn't clear.

WonderfulYou · 05/01/2022 22:44

My friend thinks it could be a 'teachable' moment. However, if you're in your 40s and still don't know the appropriate way to talk to a woman..

She may be right if he’s genuinely that ignorant but I honestly think this is part of the game he’s playing.
He obviously finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you so he’s thinking by saying that you’ll think ‘oh great I’ll show him what he’s been missing’ or it’s a way to have a conversation with you about how he didn’t realise it was offensive he just finds you so attractive blah blah and try and turn it around.

If someone texted me hinting for sex on the second date I would probably cut him off straight away, if he said what he said to you I’d definitely cut him off straight away!

Original poster
Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:45

22:35BlackandGreen

Put the phone on loudspeaker.
There's a lot of us want to hear this dick head speak

GrinGrin

OP posts:
DipYourPenisInMyBeaker · 05/01/2022 22:45

I agree it’s inappropriate and a WTF comment, but I didn’t see this as a racist thing at all.

I don’t agree it’s a teachable thing - respect should be given. Having said that a boyfriend, a very long time ago, grew up in a traditional family upbringing, very white area with no hint of diversity at all. We met at uni and during getting to know each other he told me that had never met a black person before, let alone have a relationship with someone from a different background/culture to him. This wasn’t done in a racist way at all and I sometimes feel on these threads when people who aren’t black say something incorrectly they’re racist, when the likelihood is people saying the wrong thing - their intentions and context are everything.

This guy isn’t racist, he likes the OP and could be feeling insecure and for some stupid reason sent that message - he is an idiot. I’d see what he had to say before deciding whether or not to progress with date 2.

Original poster
Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:46

Buster Gonad

Grin
OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 05/01/2022 22:47

@Blackisblackisblack

Well, he's just messaged "you okay?"

Rather than ignoring him. I've asked him to ring me. I hate trying to converse through text, I'd rather speak to him.

His education and comfort are not your responsibility. Its been a coffee date and some messaging, not ten years of wooing with roses.
godmum56 · 05/01/2022 22:49

@Blackisblackisblack

Oh gosh...! No point trying to educate someone at this stage of his life, just labour for yourself that he will prob turn into an argument how he isn't like that.....

My friend thinks it could be a 'teachable' moment. However, if you're in your 40s and still don't know the appropriate way to talk to a woman..

why is it your job to teach asshats?
SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 22:49

I think saying you've never met a Black person before or been in a relationship with one before is one thing but making it about sex when you've not talked about it, only after one date just says more than ignorant. It's giving sex pest or sex fetish vibes or both.

OutIsay · 05/01/2022 22:49

I'm white and I think that's racist. It's the unprompted nature of it: not I'm fantasising about sleeping with her, but I'm fantasising about sleeping with a black woman (any would do is the implication).

godmum56 · 05/01/2022 22:50

PS I am not black.

merrymelodies · 05/01/2022 22:53

I remember years ago that my bestie at the time was propositioned at work by a colleague who said, "You ever laid down with a black man before?" She was horrified. So creepy.

BlackandGreen · 05/01/2022 22:55

@SlidingInto2022sDMs

I think saying you've never met a Black person before or been in a relationship with one before is one thing but making it about sex when you've not talked about it, only after one date just says more than ignorant. It's giving sex pest or sex fetish vibes or both.
Exactly this.

Texting it about DTD with a black woman after one face to face coffee.

I'd bin off anyone who decided it was ok to text about sex after just one coffee.

Nothing shy and retiring about Buster Gonad.

Youbelongherenow · 05/01/2022 22:57

Id not be wasting my jaw muscles talking in person to him. The fact he came out with that seems to suggest he just wouldn’t get why it’s so wrong and so offensive. He would no doubt try to make out you’re being over sensitive/unreasonable or have pmt. Total fuckwit.

Original poster
Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 23:00

I've just spoken with him!

I told him that I needed him to know what it was not okay to send me messages like that. He kept silent Confused I also told him that I hadn't thought about sex with him, never mind the colour of person I'd be sleeping with. He then said he hadn't meant to offend me but realised when I didn't respond that he'd probably put his foot in it Hmm

He said he understood why I was angry, and asked if I still was. I obviously said yes and he then stated that he doesn't want to be with someone who was negative and angry and then he fkn hung up!!

Angry

I'm off to bed!

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 23:02

Well well well.

Same script. Different men.

Have a beautiful rest and know you dodged a massive bullet.

StellaGibson118 · 05/01/2022 23:07

@DipYourPenisInMyBeaker

I agree it’s inappropriate and a WTF comment, but I didn’t see this as a racist thing at all.

I don’t agree it’s a teachable thing - respect should be given. Having said that a boyfriend, a very long time ago, grew up in a traditional family upbringing, very white area with no hint of diversity at all. We met at uni and during getting to know each other he told me that had never met a black person before, let alone have a relationship with someone from a different background/culture to him. This wasn’t done in a racist way at all and I sometimes feel on these threads when people who aren’t black say something incorrectly they’re racist, when the likelihood is people saying the wrong thing - their intentions and context are everything.

This guy isn’t racist, he likes the OP and could be feeling insecure and for some stupid reason sent that message - he is an idiot. I’d see what he had to say before deciding whether or not to progress with date 2.

Why are you making excuses for a stranger based off an experience that was different to the OPs?
chineybumps · 05/01/2022 23:08

@Blackisblackisblack

I've just spoken with him!

I told him that I needed him to know what it was not okay to send me messages like that. He kept silent Confused I also told him that I hadn't thought about sex with him, never mind the colour of person I'd be sleeping with. He then said he hadn't meant to offend me but realised when I didn't respond that he'd probably put his foot in it Hmm

He said he understood why I was angry, and asked if I still was. I obviously said yes and he then stated that he doesn't want to be with someone who was negative and angry and then he fkn hung up!!

Angry

I'm off to bed!

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Wow bye to him. What a tosser!
Feelinggoodtuesday · 05/01/2022 23:08

It is not your job to crystallise “teachable” moments for people. Grrr, tell him he is an idiot and you are not a curiosity.

BlackandGreen · 05/01/2022 23:08

Hey, sisterly hug @Blackisblackisblack.

He showed his colours pretty fast. Glad you posted here, pm us all the tossers number and we will ring him back and tell him how pathetic he is. Wink

Pathetic predictable script from him.

Think of it as a Great Escape.

Feelinggoodtuesday · 05/01/2022 23:10

Sorry OP was enraged and missed key details. Good night, bullet dodged 👍🏾

StrifeOfBath · 05/01/2022 23:10

@Knockmealdowns

Did you get on with him every other way? Was he kind, and generally not a twat? Any chance he just put his foot in and said the wrong thing? God knows my husband and I ( Irish African couple) have said the wrong things to each other culturally from time to time.. and our families have given both of us cringy moments..
Yes, I am in a mixed and multi family, and lots of innocent ignorances, gaffes and ‘eek’ moments have been weathered.

But this guy’s comment was about intent, a taken for granted intent, to have sex with her, and for that to be specifically ‘sex with a black woman’. A whole different level.

RhubarbFairy · 05/01/2022 23:11

Well isn't he a charmer. If his grim first message didn't kill i for you, I'd imagine his parting shot on that call did.

Block him and breathe a sigh of relief that he showed his cards early on.

EmmaH2022 · 05/01/2022 23:12

@Blackisblackisblack

I've just spoken with him!

I told him that I needed him to know what it was not okay to send me messages like that. He kept silent Confused I also told him that I hadn't thought about sex with him, never mind the colour of person I'd be sleeping with. He then said he hadn't meant to offend me but realised when I didn't respond that he'd probably put his foot in it Hmm

He said he understood why I was angry, and asked if I still was. I obviously said yes and he then stated that he doesn't want to be with someone who was negative and angry and then he fkn hung up!!

Angry

I'm off to bed!

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

This is why it's not a teachable moment

Someone who makes this kind of remark probably won't learn without years and years and years of teaching

Good night OP.

Thhhhheeeeelong · 05/01/2022 23:13

Wrong on so many levels. 1.) the reference to your ethnicity as if YOU are not a person in your own right 2.) who says this to any woman they have just met (yuck)

Don't give him the pleasure of a response as that's what he wants.

Ohyesiam · 05/01/2022 23:14

Argh! There’s so much wrong there, starting with that level of assumption after one coffee, followed sharply by not seeing you, just layering intent and fetish onto you. Yuck
At least he doesn’t have the self awareness to keep his mouth shut.