"I've never slept with a black woman before"

[Blackisblackisblack]

I'm looking for black perspective, please.

So, been single a while and had been talking to this guy, online.

Met up for coffee earlier today, and it went well. We both have a lot in common, work-wise, and we have adult children the same age (although I have a younger child as well).

We arranged to meet again tomorrow, and we've been talking/texting throughout today.

I've not long checked my phone and there's a message from him: "I've never slept with a black woman before."

So, wise black mumsnetters, do I let him know why I no longer wish to be involved or do I just cut him off?

I thought to cut him off, but my friend thinks that's harsh, since I've met him..

Same old same old, OP. Angry black woman. How quickly he showed his hand, eh.

You paid him the courtesy of speaking on the phone, when he had sent you that text. And then? He hung up on you. He should feel embarrassed, humiliated, pathetic for behaving in such a boorish, ungracious, unbecoming way (for a man who had romantic pretensions, no less!). Not to mention the text itself.

You said no and he turned on you. That’s all you need to know. If only people like this came came with warning labels on their foreheads, you wouldn’t have to lose even that coffee time.

Onwards, and definitely upwards.

[quote DipYourPenisInMyBeaker]@StellaGibson118 I wasn’t making excuses, I was merely suggesting that not everything someone says is racist and provided one example - you realise this is an open forum, right?[/quote]
You used your experience of why a person wasnt racist then went on to generalise it to the OPs experience directly after it, but ok.

I'd text back 'well you won't be sleeping with this one...'

@Blackisblackisblack No, you're not the dumpee, it was a 'constructive dump'. There wasn't anywhere else it could go and he knew that.

If only people like this came came with warning labels on their foreheads, you wouldn’t have to lose even that coffee time.

Yes, if only! It would save so much hassle, wouldn't it.

I guess none of us will ever know what someone is truly thinking.

However, this ass hat didn't keep me guessing.

DoubleTweenQueen

I think you're right!

DipYourPenisInMyBeaker

I wasn’t making excuses, I was merely suggesting that not everything someone says is racist and provided one example - you realise this is an open forum, right?

The problem with this is that you're using the assumption that I (we) think what 'everyone says is racist'.

Which is not the case.

It's no different to someone coming on here and saying not all men are assholes, after reading my thread

.. And like a lot of people upthread pointed out, even without the racial context, the fact that he mentioned sex, when sex hadn't even been talked about was a no-no.

And the assumption.

And now I'm the negative, angry one (his words)...Well, here's a tip: perhaps don't say negative things and you won't be met with negativity.

He said he understood why I was angry, and asked if I still was. I obviously said yes and he then stated that he doesn't want to be with someone who was negative and angry and then he fkn hung up!!

So racist and sexist. You dodged a bullet.

Better men are available.

What an absolute knobjockey.

You've had a lucky escape op!

Also, even though he said he could understand why you were angry, he didn't want to be with an angry woman.

So, all the signs there of a man who wants a woman to have NO emotional reaction to his behaviour.

He can make you angry and on one level he can understand why you're angry but you cannot show it as the only reaction he's able for is no reaction.

Bullet dodged.

Dating is a nightmare.

I've given up. Much happier since I gave up. But I'm 51, I have DC.

It's not even ''gave up'' it's more like, not putting myself through the nonsense.

And now I'm the negative, angry one

As well as everything already covered, this tells you that he's the sort of man who thinks he can do and say as he likes, and if you have a problem with it, then you're the problem.

The very kind that will make sexist/racist/insulting jokes and declare it "banter" as if it's some kind of get out of jail free card, or call you "over sensitive" when he hurts your feelings.

He knew he fucked up and got in there first to save face, labelling you in his head as being about "drama". Its all deep rooted sexism and racism - black women in particular are never allowed an opinion without being called aggressive.

@Blackisblackisblack He's muddled 'angry & negative' with 'mature, observant, & dignified' 🙄

@maddy68

It's no different to saying "I've never slept with a blonde woman, or a red head , or a French woman. It matters more in the context it was used.

I have never said this to anyone before but - You Really Need To Educate Yourself.

Extraordinary level of unawareness and ignorance of history.

Really hope you posted that comment for a ‘larf’.

You’ve been much more courteous then he deserved op. You can be proud of yourself, you handled the situation with grace and class when some loser degraded you to an exotic lust object. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, you really had a lucky escape.

Disgusting, cut him off straight away. There's a lot of these fetishists about.

So he wants a notch on his bedpost and he hasn't even romanced you. FTS he doesn't need an explanation IMO.

@Blackisblackisblack

Oh gosh...! No point trying to educate someone at this stage of his life, just labour for yourself that he will prob turn into an argument how he isn't like that.....

My friend thinks it could be a 'teachable' moment. However, if you're in your 40s and still don't know the appropriate way to talk to a woman..

Women are not rehab centres for crappy men. Block, delete and move on.

And @givethatbabyaname s list was spot on on all counts. You are not a fucking point to be scored and how very fucking presumptuous. I'm sorry to hear this happened. It's giving me the extreme ick second hand so must feel awful for you.

@Blackisblackisblack

I've just spoken with him!

I told him that I needed him to know what it was not okay to send me messages like that. He kept silent I also told him that I hadn't thought about sex with him, never mind the colour of person I'd be sleeping with. He then said he hadn't meant to offend me but realised when I didn't respond that he'd probably put his foot in it

He said he understood why I was angry, and asked if I still was. I obviously said yes and he then stated that he doesn't want to be with someone who was negative and angry and then he fkn hung up!!

I'm off to bed!

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Sounds like you had a lucky escape!

Thank you all for your comments, advice, and wisdom.

It's comforting to know that women on here, who have never experience this, still think he's an arse!

In the past, I've usually just sucked this behaviour up, or just laughed it off with my sisters/friends.

And, perhaps, if my friend hadn't challenged my perspective, I'd have laughed this occasion off, too.

But I'm pleased I didn't. I'm pleased I called him out, even if I then end up (in his head) as the age old stereotype of the 'angry black woman'.

I guess what someone said upthread is true: years and years of education won't change this man. But then I guess he didn't want educating, he just wanted a 'novel' shag.

And I missed your updates. I'm even more sorry now. What an utter cock.

OP he probably thought you shouldn't be angry (even though he understands why you would be angry?!?) he probably thought you should be grateful - he's going outside his usual demographic just for you!! And surely everyone would be desperate to have sex with him after one coffee??

he probably thought you should be grateful - he's going outside his usual demographic just for you!!

This!!

I think you’ve swerved a dick head there OP sounds quick to anger as well as a racist misogynistic arsehole .

Onwards and upwards

If your friend is Black, it's surprising that she didn't find his comment offensive; every single Black friend I know has had this comment from a white man at some point in their dating lives. The offence comes from the objectification and othering. Most of my friendship group usually date/marry Black men due to the inherent cultural aspects (to some degree).

If your friend isn't Black, then she's speaking from a point of privilege, and of never having been subjected to these kinds of comments.

I have a close white friend, my only white friend in fact. We've known each other 30 years, and we're just over 40. Our friendship is based on a shared sense of humour, enjoyment of each other's company and knowing where all the bodies are buried! We don't talk about race, as it doesn't come up in our conversations, and that's ok. Although she will never understand anything racial if I did bring issues up, she will be a friend for life.

I posted this to give a different perspective to the views which have suggested you should cut your friend off too!