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Black Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

Original poster

"I've never slept with a black woman before"

237 replies

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 21:07

I'm looking for black perspective, please.

So, been single a while and had been talking to this guy, online.

Met up for coffee earlier today, and it went well. We both have a lot in common, work-wise, and we have adult children the same age (although I have a younger child as well).

We arranged to meet again tomorrow, and we've been talking/texting throughout today.

I've not long checked my phone and there's a message from him: "I've never slept with a black woman before."

So, wise black mumsnetters, do I let him know why I no longer wish to be involved or do I just cut him off?

I thought to cut him off, but my friend thinks that's harsh, since I've met him..

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 05/01/2022 22:01

What a creepy thing to say

BlackandGreen · 05/01/2022 22:01

Your friend's reaction has really annoyed me.

You've met this man once, for a coffee.

And he thinks it is just fine to send a text saying that?

Creepy as hell. He's reduced you to a skin colour shag that he's never had. ( But can't wait to tell the yt boys about. That's what these types do) This is all about him and not you.

Bin him off. You really don't need this crap in your life.

(You can do better than this my dear x)

Original poster
Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:03

I’m white, I hope you don’t mind me posting. My boyfriend is black, it wouldn’t cross my mind too think that, let alone say it shock get rid, you deserve better.

It's comforting to know that women, regardless of colour, are finding this behavior disgraceful..

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:07

BlackandGreen

I agree. But even though my friend has peed me off I will see her at the weekend and explain.

Creepy as hell. He's reduced you to a skin colour shag that he's never had. ( But can't wait to tell the yt boys about. That's what these types do) This is all about him and not you.

Yes, it's creepy. And, even creepier that this must have been at the forefront of his mind as it was said unprompted.

OP posts:
SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 22:07

I thought to cut him off, but my friend thinks that's harsh, since I've met him..

Ridiculous. You can tell him why if you want to but only because you want to. You owe him nothing. "Harsh, since you've met him", my arse!

StrifeOfBath · 05/01/2022 22:08

“ ‘Before’? There’s no ‘before’ that concerns this black woman”
And block. Quite apart from the race shit, how dare he presume he would be sleeping with you?.

Ugh.

Outlyingtrout · 05/01/2022 22:09

Such a gross comment. I’m really sorry he turned out to be a dick. It’s disappointing when you think you’ve hit it off with someone and they go and prove themselves to be such an arse.

Your friend is wrong. You don’t owe him anything. Give him a reality check - harsh as you like - or just ghost him without an ounce of guilt.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/01/2022 22:11

Fuck him

By which I mean don't. THat's obvious, right?

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 22:12

And I'm sure he didn't consider how harsh or idiotic or inappropriate or fetishist he's being to you when he sent that wanky text. Just gross on so many levels.

roundtable · 05/01/2022 22:13

Grin. Block. No explanation needed. He'd probably enjoy the back and forth or turn nasty.

Your friend is in the wrong. Why on earth is she putting the feelings of some random man in front of yours? Some friend.

thetinsoldier · 05/01/2022 22:13

Op, I wouldn't listen to your friend. Her opinion is not yours. If she's white and she has no experience of being black and all the micro aggressions you have experienced, then her opinion doesn't count, however well-meaning she's trying to be.

Longroadahead08 · 05/01/2022 22:14

Reply: And you never will….

I hope his small minded comment hasn’t upset you. So sad that people think it is actually inoffensive to say things like that.
Even without the element of racism, it shows a lack of respect.

ChargingBuck · 05/01/2022 22:15

I've not long checked my phone and there's a message from him: "I've never slept with a black woman before."

Send a terse reply like "Newsflash - you still haven't, & I don't sleep with crass twats" & ... block.

My friend thinks it could be a 'teachable' moment. However, if you're in your 40s and still don't know the appropriate way to talk to a woman

Your friend is barking.
It's not a woman's job to teach manners to awful, objectifying men. & it's certainly not up to black people to educate ignorant whites.

Calendulaaaaa · 05/01/2022 22:15

Block him and phase out the friend. What the fuck, to both of them.

LadyPropane · 05/01/2022 22:18

Wow. I think imtiu definitely need to go for one of the witty replies above and then block him. Don't let the opportunity to take the piss out of him pass you by.

Original poster
Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:19

Block him and phase out the friend. What the fuck, to both of them.

I've not my friend for almost 40 years. I'm not happy with her but I'm not going to phase her out. I'll speak to her at the weekend. She is being very short-sighted!!

OP posts:
PandaToTheMasses · 05/01/2022 22:20

I've had similar comments, not just about my race but also from men who have wanted to sleep with an older woman. Some people will fetishized some superficial attribute of a person like they want to tick off a mental score sheet of conquests then thoughtlessly blurt it out. Be thankful he's shown you who he is early on.

It's not your job to educate him and you don't owe him any explanation as to why you don't like him. End things with him that leave him in no doubt you're not interested then move on.

AnotherEmma · 05/01/2022 22:20

Teachable moment my arse.
It's not your job to teach him basic manners!
I mean, what planet is your friend on?
Does she really think black people have a duty to teach white people not to be racist? Women have a duty to teach men not to be sexist? etc
Fuck that!
(I am white btw, hope you don't mind me posting.)

Bignanny30 · 05/01/2022 22:20

Text him -Well it looks like you’re gonna have to wait a bit longer before you do! Then block him.

RobotValkyrie · 05/01/2022 22:21

Hi OP, your thread is trending!

I'm white, and find that man's comment shockingly objectifying.
Also, incredibly arrogant! Like he's confident that getting into your pants is already a done deal??

He doesn't deserve anything from you.

StrifeOfBath · 05/01/2022 22:22

(I’m white by the way. I know that black women get this sort of fetishistic / othering / exoticisation fuckery all the time. A comment like that isn’t something nuanced and well intentioned that could be helpfully dealt with by a ‘well actually…’teaching moment, and nor should you feel obliged to. IMO )

Oddbobbyboo · 05/01/2022 22:23

Jeez, why would it be any different? I don’t understand how your friend isn’t offended by this comment?
It’s so hard to meet someone these days x I’m sorry that you’ve met a knobber x

Bignanny30 · 05/01/2022 22:25

Following on from my previous post. I see you asked for comments from black mumsnetters.Soz I’m white hope you didn’t mind my thoughts. I think you’ll find you should have asked any one any colour for their opinions actually. And I think you’ll find we’re all of the same mind. Fuck him off !!!!!

smallgoon · 05/01/2022 22:26

Hmmm, I'm not black but am a person of colour. I wouldn't take a huge amount of offence to it if I'm honest. I've often been intrigued to know if someone I'm dating (if they're a different race to me) has dated a person of colour before. It gives me some perspective, and I'm curious to know if I'm the first. I think it was merely his nerves/excitement getting the better of him rather than racism. That's just my my opinion. I'm mixed-race btw, I have an Asian father and white mother.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 05/01/2022 22:26

“And now you never will, dickhead!”

I feel the dickhead bit is essential Grin