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Black Mumsnetters

This board exists primarily for the use of Black Mumsnetters. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful.

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Original poster

"I've never slept with a black woman before"

237 replies

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 21:07

I'm looking for black perspective, please.

So, been single a while and had been talking to this guy, online.

Met up for coffee earlier today, and it went well. We both have a lot in common, work-wise, and we have adult children the same age (although I have a younger child as well).

We arranged to meet again tomorrow, and we've been talking/texting throughout today.

I've not long checked my phone and there's a message from him: "I've never slept with a black woman before."

So, wise black mumsnetters, do I let him know why I no longer wish to be involved or do I just cut him off?

I thought to cut him off, but my friend thinks that's harsh, since I've met him..

OP posts:

NearlyAHoarder · 05/01/2022 22:27

Eugh. Weird comment. I'm white sorry I didn't go looking for this thread it just popped up, the title intrigued me. I agree it's a really strange thing to say. He's been for ONE COFFEE with you and he doesn't see you as you, he sees you as ....... the ambassador for black women? and is so stupid that he actually verbalised his thoughts about never having slept with a black woman before.

Original poster

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:28

Well, he's just messaged "you okay?"

Rather than ignoring him. I've asked him to ring me. I hate trying to converse through text, I'd rather speak to him.

OP posts:

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/01/2022 22:28

Eviscerate the fecker, Blackisblack

Original poster

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:29

“And now you never will, dickhead!”

I feel the dickhead bit is essential grin

He's an idiot. I'm hacked off!

OP posts:

DoubleTweenQueen · 05/01/2022 22:30

@Blackisblackisblack I have pale skin and blue eyes, and I find his comment archaic, inappropriate, thoughtless, unnecessary, offensive, extremely unattractive, and nauseating.

HTH1 · 05/01/2022 22:31

I would just go with “…and I guess you never will.”

HTH1 · 05/01/2022 22:31

Ah, just read your update - great minds.

MmeD · 05/01/2022 22:31

It’s just - so tedious. Cut him off. Life’s too short.

You could send him a copy of “Queenie” by C. Braithwaite, with certain passages underlined. But I’m pretty sure it would be wasted. Give a copy to your best friend instead.

Honestly, sometimes, just reading something like this makes me feel so damn tired…

smallgoon · 05/01/2022 22:32

I've often been referred to as 'exotic looking'. I've never taken offense to it but now wondering if I should have...

BlackandGreen · 05/01/2022 22:33

Just wtf to the " teachable" crap from this " friend".

Your friend should be worried about this awful fetish guy trying to hit on you. Not what you can "teach" a white man. Is she black? Shame on her if she is.

( I was once asked about black women's genitalia and if the skin colour went pink anywhere iyswim..... I didn't bother to "educate")

I'm foaming at Buster Gonad. The nerve! Did he sell you his anti racist credentials too? Just so you know that he's cool with your skin colour and BLM? Blah blah blah?

Jada1234 · 05/01/2022 22:33

That would put me off for sure.
colour will always be an issue with this clown.. His big mouth has done you a favour. I'm a black women.

powershowerforanhour · 05/01/2022 22:35

I'm white so not best qualified to advise compared to others but think

"And I imagine you never will"

is too good a comment not to use. then block. Or just block, if you don't want to waste any time.

Also agree with PPs that you have NO obligation to try to teach a crass, creepy fool the error of his ways. Your time is worth more than that.

BlackandGreen · 05/01/2022 22:35

Put the phone on loudspeaker.
There's a lot of us want to hear this dick head speak.

AnotherEmma · 05/01/2022 22:36

Is it really necessary to talk to him about it? You've met him once for coffee, right? He's already annoyed you (perfectly understandable annoyance) and your friend's reaction has got you questioning yourself and possibly annoyed with her too... Realistically, if you have a conversation with him, is it likely to leave you feeling more or less annoyed? I wouldn't mind betting it would be the former. Based on what we know about him so far it seems unlikely he'll listen, understand and apologise, more likely he'll get defensive and insist that he's not racist, and you might end up trying to explain racism to him and then wondering why the fuck you bothered.

DukeofEarlGrey · 05/01/2022 22:36

@Blackisblackisblack

I’m white, I hope you don’t mind me posting. My boyfriend is black, it wouldn’t cross my mind too think that, let alone say it shock get rid, you deserve better.

It's comforting to know that women, regardless of colour, are finding this behavior disgraceful..

I'm white and also hope ok to post. This strikes me as both racist AND misogynistic. You don't owe him anything and I wish you luck in meeting someone better (shouldn't be hard!). If there is a teaching opportunity I think it is with your friend.

TortolaParadise · 05/01/2022 22:36

So has he replied yet?

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 05/01/2022 22:37

@MusicTeacherSussex

"And I imagine you never will"

I'm white and I think that's outrageous and racist. You are not a new trophy or species to be added to his hall of fame. @MusicTeacherSussex has the perfect response.

Knockmealdowns · 05/01/2022 22:37

Did you get on with him every other way? Was he kind, and generally not a twat? Any chance he just put his foot in and said the wrong thing? God knows my husband and I ( Irish African couple) have said the wrong things to each other culturally from time to time.. and our families have given both of us cringy moments..

PandaToTheMasses · 05/01/2022 22:38

OP why waste time talking to him over the phone?
"I don't think we're compatible and think it's best not to see you again. Best of luck" is all you need. Please protect your time ruthlessly.

SlidingInto2022sDMs · 05/01/2022 22:38

@BlackandGreen

Put the phone on loudspeaker. There's a lot of us want to hear this dick head speak.

@ Buster Gonad 🤣🤣

Original poster

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:38

I've often been referred to as 'exotic looking'. I've never taken offense to it but now wondering if I should have... confused

I think if you are okay at being described like that, then..

But I, personally, think that words like that are very layered and pointed, and steeped in fetishism. I know my daughter does, too. But, again, I'm just one woman..

OP posts:

chineybumps · 05/01/2022 22:41

OP I was disappointed to hear an ex had said of me that I was "exotic looking".

This!! I've only dated/been with one white man and he always used to 'compliment' me by saying how exotic I was and always made references to my skin colour. He was a 'I love black girls' type but couldn't give you an answer why.

I was only 17 at the time but when I look back, yuck. I personally couldn't date someone who isn't black again just because I'd always wonder if they had me there as some sort of fetish or if they'd just see my skin tone and nothing else. Very annoying

StellaGibson118 · 05/01/2022 22:42

Absolutely not up to you to teach anything. This guy lacks self-awareness and general awareness on an astonishing level. I've seen this comment quite a lot of times on SheRatesDogs on Twitter which is screenshots of this kind of interaction.

Original poster

Blackisblackisblack · 05/01/2022 22:42

Yes, we got on fine, really fine. But surely people know its not the done thing to say... It gets really old and tired.

I'm only being more leniant with my friend because I've known her for decades and her usual thought process isn't like this, at all.

OP posts:

SheSaidHummingbird · 05/01/2022 22:43

OP please will you let us know how he responds if you try to explain why you're ending it? Might provide some insight into what on earth goes through people's heads when they say these idiotic things.

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