You've all been so lovely, and I have been avoiding you all, and I?m sorry, really, really sorry, I shouldn't have.
I was going to post you all a long post tomorrow.
Tomorrow, when I know one way or the other.
i couldn't face it till then and just thought I'd wait till I had real news for you but that was wrong of me really and I'm sorry.
Thank you all for thinking of me, I'm so touched and so humbled.
Ohhhhhh girls. I think when this is all over, one way or the other, I'll come back to you as someone else, I won't be the same person after all this.
I can't be Thomcat who was so against testing and couldn't see what was so wrong with having a child with Down's syndrome.
I?ve had a CVS
I wanted more time to tell you about it and if it's ok I'll explain later when I'm at home.
D and I talked and talked and I cried and cried and he made me see that although I'd love to be the sort of person who'll have this baby no matter what i don't think I can carry that out. I wish I could.
I'd have 10 of Lottie. I would, but I won't get another Lottie.
If this child has SN they could be worse, a lot worse and I don't think I'll be able to take that on. i'm not big enough. Lottie is amazing and we're so lucky but things will get harder and harder and 2 children with SN is not something I'm going to be able to knowingly take on. There are no guarantees, we all know and use that line, so if chromosome disorders are ruled out, what will be really will have to be, but I can't just run into the future with my eyes tightly shut.
That's not fair on me, or D, or my family, but more importantly it's not fair on Lottie or on this baby.
fuck
I hate that I can't give this baby the same chance as Lottie has, I loathe that, about me, about everything, I feel sick to my stomach that i may have to do something unthinkable.
Oh no, God, will I really????
The professor was extraordinary, amazing. So self assured and as soon as heard us say we couldn't do two 16 year olds, or two 30 year olds with special needs and that we had to know, he literally just stood up, asked for the, as he put it, "the really long, painful needle and the hammer and chisel" and he was giving me a CVS. I cried and said 'oh you're not doing it now' and he just said 'yes of course I am' and he cracked on. So scary but for the best, gave me no time to agonise over what I was doing, he took charge and i think that was the right thing to do.
I get the results tomorrow.
I'll let you know what happens, I promise, and then that should be my last post as Thomcat.
So until tomorrow, if you pray please keep us in your prayers. and if you don't pray please just hope and keep something crossed for us.