Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been on for a while.
Congratulations to all who have had their babies since I was last here.
I have awful shitty news. DP left us yesterday.
All day sunday he had a face on him and so sunday evening I told him get away to your friend's house you look like you have cabin fever. He's been so good since I had the baby, so helpful, coming through with toast at 3am etc. So when he looked a bit down in the dumps on sunday I was only too happy for him to get out for some breathing space.
Anyway he came back just after midnight and Lewin and I were in the living room, Lewin was feeding. He sat next to us on the sofa and instantly the smell of grass wafted over from him. It was so strong I told him go throught to the bedroom and stay there and that I'd have to sleep with Lewin in the living room. He tried to stay and talk but through tears I asked him, just please don't come near me.
Thankfully he did as I asked and left us alone for the night.
Yesterday I left him sleeping and as me, the boys and mum were leaving to go out for lunch and to drop DS1 at nursery, he was still in bed.
We got home at 1pm to find him and all his things gone. I sent him a text asking if he was at the shop (pretending not to have noticed all his bags gone) and got a reply saying he was sick of living in fear of me and sick of me treating him like an outcast and was on the point of leaving me.
I didn't know how to react to this. I was in total shock. We got back together just before christmas (we'd been apart because of these f*cking drugs at that time) but since christmas we've been perfect, not one single arguement.
I didn't reply to his text (it's always a text, he never just comes up and talks, he always runs away and sends a text) as I didn't know what to possibly reply. I was in tears and just not coping (I was already going through blues since the day before).
Anyway he then sent another text saying he'd be back in 10 mins.
A little while later mum and I hear the front door opening and him coming into the house, but rather than coming in to see me in the living room, he sneaks through to my bedroom, obviously expecting me to drop everything and follow.
Anyway he waited through there til mum left to pick up DS1 from nursery, then came through and started going on at me about how I wind him up til he wants to explode and how I'm always going mental at him. Bewildered, I asked when I had ever gone mental at him, to which he replied, last week when you found me smoking a joint at the front door and you got upset. (It was when I was still pregnant and he knows I don't allow it at the house. I didn't argue with him as I knew it was cause grief. I did cry a lot that night though).
I just couldn't believe this whole thing, him leaving me when our baby is only 4 days old, totally out of the blue.
Anyway, he saw mum coming back and shot off to my room again and hid there for another 4 hours til eventually mum called him through. He started shouting at me in front of mum and the boys, saying I don't treat him right etc etc I cant remember now sorry, but he stromed through slamming the door anyway. I went after him and said that once and for all he must choose, me and the boys and no drugs, or walk out the door.
So he walked.
I'm gutted. I feel stupid for getting involved in the first place with someone who does something I dont agree with. I feel guilty I have brought a new life into this, yet another child and I'm not with the dad. I'm devastated I've lost the only guy I ever truly loved to the very middle of his soul. I'm relieved to be away from the lie I was living, convincing myself I was fine with his drug habit as long as it was happening elsewhere.
Since he left I have seen him today. We had to register Lewin's birth together as we're not married. I had a big talk with him before we went to the registry office, and told him I understand this is for the best. Lewin will be far happier with separated parents, as together, one of us will always be living a lie. I've reassured him I'll never deny him access to Lewin. We parted as friends, after a very emotional goodbye.
I'm so so sad. I just cant believe how much my life has changed in such a short time. A few days ago I was so happy with DP and my 2 boys, now I'm a single mum again.
Sorry I've just written such a long post, but I just had to write it down. I'm still in shock.