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why do people judge us young mums?

259 replies

youngmumtobe · 04/03/2009 19:23

im 19 and due to have my first baby on the 24th march but im being induced on the 12th. i always get judged by people as i dont look my age. wheneva i go out people stare and make comments it realy makes me paranoid.i dont get why people judge without knowing our situation i mean im still living at home and plan on stayin here for a good few years. im going back to college and work after iv had baby as i hate being on benifits.i just dont get why we are judged we make good mums aswell just coz we are young it dont mean we not gna be as good as a older mum.

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Rachmumoftwo · 04/03/2009 22:28

There are advantages and disadvantages to both, I think. However, being a good mum has far more to do with the individual than their age.

My sister had her son at just 16 and they look like brother and sister now, as he is 9, she is 26 but looks very young. But she is a fab mum, and that is what matters. I am a young mum compared to most of my 'mum friends' and I was 25 when I had DD1!!

Good luck on the 12th.

kikid · 04/03/2009 22:41
Hmm
youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 13:23

tha is my arguement that we still can be good mums even at a young age. i mean i wudnt change being preg for anything my lil man means alot to me and he not even here yet. tanx i hope it works.lol xoxoxo

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duchesse · 05/03/2009 13:39

I was behind a lovely mum in poundland the other, keeping her roughly 1 yr old entertained very happily in the long queue. I had no idea how old she was until, and it didn't even cross my mind that she was young (she looked any age between 15 and 30 iyswim) until she got to the till with her shopping, that included some disposable razors. The cashier asked her age and refused to sell them to her because she was "only" 19. The poor mum just looked really embarrassed and didn't make a fuss. I nearly tried to make a fuss on her behalf, but decided not to.

My point is that she is a grown woman and a mother to boot, but that she is treated like a child in quite a few instances of her life.

Frankly, 19 is a quite young to end up with masses of responsibilities. I think that when people look askance at young mums it's because they don't see them as truly adult. In the case of 13 and 15 yr olds you can see their point. These are girls who have not even finished their basic education, but propose to bring children into the world that they will almost certainly never to be in a position to bring up without without help. Also the suspicion is that actually very young teenagers do not make very good parents, and fail to understand the long term nature of parenting as they are still developing as people themselves.

If you have a job, or are in post 16 education, then your prospects are rather different. Particularly if you are dead set on getting on in life as you sound, OP. It will be hard, but it's hard at any age, but anybody can make a go of it. It depends on your emotional resources. My BIL's daughter had her first child at 17. She is now my age (41) and that child has a Phd and very good job. Clearly a success story.

What it boils down to is prejudice, but possibly not entirely misplaced in the case of very young mums. It's not a sentence that you won't be able to do it though. I just wish that people would give other people a bit more of a break sometimes, and the benefit of the doubt.

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 16:44

i can see the point of a 13-15yr old having a baby and havin the responsabilite of bringin up a child when they are still children themself. my argument is tho jus because they are young it dont always mean they carnt be good mums if they have the surpport of their parents.

what really does get me is that people judge without knowing the situation.

yea im dead set on gettin my life back on track as i want my son to have the best possable start in life and i want him to look back and think yea my mum was young but she did a good job.

to be honest i dont think i would be able to do it without the surpport of my family as they are very surpportive of me and have helped out alot since iv been pregnant.

im still very intreasted tho in why people judge us young mums. thanx for all the comments it has opend my eyes abit. xo

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MrsMattie · 05/03/2009 16:47

I don't judge young mums.

I do feel sorry for very young mums - not in a patronisng way, but I know how hard motherhood can be when you are mature and have lots of life experience and a good career behind you, so can't imagine how it is for a 16 yr old girl just out of school, for example.

But I certainly don't look down on or pity younger mums. Who am I to say what age people should have children at? There are plenty of women who wait until 40+ to have kids and who's to say that's any better than doing it at 18?

ForeverOptimistic · 05/03/2009 16:47

Because once you are a mum you will be judged on anything and everything. Being judged on your age is just the start of it. Welcome to parenthood.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 16:52

Weeellll, it's not so much that I judge young parents - my 18 year old will be a daddy later this year - but I'm old-fashioned enough to think you should have your own home and a job before you have children, rather than living with your own parents. I know you're planning to go back to college and then on to work, I just think you're doing things in the wrong order. But hey, your choice - and good luck for the 12th.

OrmIrian · 05/03/2009 16:54

All mothers get judged. But when you're older you grow a thicker skin.

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 17:04

yea i get that im doing things the wrong way as people say but is it not good that i still am living with my rents and not in my own place as tha is what people think teenagers do get preg for the money and there own place whereas im provin tha theory wrong as i didnt get preg for my own place and money. he wasnt planned bu i wudnt change it for the world. im 20 this year and think it is best if i stay at home for a lil while. congrats to ya for becoming a nan soon.xox tanx xoxo

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 17:17

You have a point about not doing it to get a house, lol, I have to give you that one! My DS will also being staying home, as will his GF with her mum, so they're very like you - she'll also be 20 this year. At least you'll both have plenty of support on hand, it can be very depressing all alone all day with a new baby.

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 17:27

oldlayknowsnothing. tanx. but tha is what people think tho that we do it for a place of our own and it people like me and ur son and his gf tha prove tha whole teen pregnancy is not all abowt money and a place of our own. if ya dont mind me askin how did u react when he told you his gf was pregnant.

congrats to ya son and his gf and to u for becoming a nan.xoxo

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 18:00

I'll be honest, youngmumtobe, I wasn't overjoyed. I was upset that my baby, DS, is going to miss out on doing all those stupid teenage things that us oldies like to berate them for, going out with friends and getting plastered and all that. Being young and free of responsibilities. But he made a choice, he knows about using condoms and didn't, and he's taking responsibility like the fine young man he is. His GF will make a good mum, I think, and he's always been good with small children, so I think they'll make a fair go of it, even if they don't stay together forever.

I have come round to the idea btw. The baby's not due till summer and I know I'll be happy and besotted when it arrives.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 18:01

Oooh, and congratulations to you too.

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 18:59

yea i can understand where ya coming from my mum wasnt best pleased ither as she fort the same as you i will be missing out on the typical teenages stuff.but she has come round to the idea and is now looking forward to lil man arriving. to be honest iv done the drinking thing and bin on girly hols so i dont really feel myself i will be missing out i see it as iv done it and im happy iv done it. but to be honest i am looking forward to going back to college and being a teenager agen but in the same sentance am looking forward to being a mum.xoxo

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 19:10

I think any mum, of any age, feels much the same; being a mum is great but time off from the baby/child is great too, when you get to feel like a human being and not just this "thing" for feeding baby, changing baby, being coverd in baby puke...

I'm not making motherhood sound very attractive, am I?

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 19:40

lol when ya put it like that is dont sound very attractive no. but then through all tha puke,nappies,cryin n sleepness nyts ya get the first smiles,words,crawling n walking.x

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 19:49

And hugs and snotty kisses.

Then they turn into teeangers.

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 19:52

lol yh n tha chocolate fingers. n mud pies n insects luvly.lol. yep den they grow up in to moody teenagers lol i do hope he ent anything like i was as i was growin up i went through a not so nice stage.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 19:58

Are we wishing his life away already, and he's not even here yet?

You'll have the same ups and downs as every other mum on the planet (including yours ) and at least you'll be close enough in age to understand him when he hits that moody stage. But it's a long time off, enjoy your baby years first.

(I just realised my typo of "teenagers" - teeangers, wonder if that means anything? lol!)

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 20:07

yh my mum says what goes around comes around. she says he if he anything like me god help me.lol. yh people keep saying that the baby years dont last long. oh yea i dint notice tha before.xo

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catinthehat1 · 05/03/2009 20:17

might this help answer your question?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 20:21

philosophical sigh

Well, the baby years don't last long once they're past and you're looking at your wee boy starting school/high school/becoming a daddy; but when you're exhausted, and baby is crying and so are you, they last forever. Just tell yourself, "This, too, shall pass". It's what they used to have someone whisper in Caesar's ear when he was being hailed in triumph, cheering crowds and all that, to remind him that he was human and not immortal, but it works in any situation, no matter how good or bad.

warthog · 05/03/2009 20:27

EVERYONE gets judged ymtb. it's shit but that's the way of life. it's natural. you know you'll be a good mum, as your ds will know and that's what really matters.

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 20:36

that link above is a whole load of crap and frankly affended me. both of my parents work and no i didnt get pregnant for a flat or money as i have sed above yes i do have ambition and self worth and do i like being on benifits no!!! i have worked since i was 16 so no i dont like claimin i would rather be workin i was workin untill i had to be signed off . i was also at college untill i got pregnant. jus because there are some teenagers get pregnant for the money and flat does not mean we all do!! i have confidence so no i didnt get preg to fill a hole in my life as i had my life and was happy with it i have independance hence the reson im stayin at home wif my rents one as they are very surpportive and want me and baby to have the best life. its articales like that tha stigmatise use teen mums.

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