why do people judge us young mums?

[youngmumtobe]

im 19 and due to have my first baby on the 24th march but im being induced on the 12th. i always get judged by people as i dont look my age. wheneva i go out people stare and make comments it realy makes me paranoid.i dont get why people judge without knowing our situation i mean im still living at home and plan on stayin here for a good few years. im going back to college and work after iv had baby as i hate being on benifits.i just dont get why we are judged we make good mums aswell just coz we are young it dont mean we not gna be as good as a older mum.

Ewe thanks for the link i will have a look.xo

This is one of the most horrible threads I've ever read on here. Unbelievable.

Good luck, YMTB. You sound like a strong and positive woman. Part of being a parent is dealing with feeling judged, it happens to all of us for one reason or another; for being too young, too old, too strict, too relaxed, too fixed on appearance or letting ourselves go. You can't live your life trying to gain everyone's approval; because other people's reactions, nine times out of ten, have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own fears and hangups. We are all just doing our best and dealing as best we can with our lives and our children.

Myself, I struggle not to judge crazed angry bullies, but I do try to find a bit of compassion; it can't be nice to be in that frame of mind.

Do come back, tell us about your lovely baby, there's a lot of support to be found here.

Shocking thread. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

youngmumtobe, best of luck! My cousin recently became a mother for the first time at the age of 18, and she has really impressed me with her approach to parenting. In some ways, becoming a mother has been the making of her, and it has opened her eyes to the possibilities that are out there. In lots of ways she is better equipped than I am at the ripe old age of 33 to cope with the late nights and early mornings.

Good luck!

Yes this thread has been awful, but the OP has shown herself to be more mature than all of the bullies on this thread. Ive honestly seen nothing like it - its ok to have opinions, especially on AIBU but to see them all taking the piss and ganging up on the OP was really horrible - showed themselves up as a bunch of nasty, ignorant twunts! Really really am by it all - i used to be wary of women, thought they tended to be bitchy - but i sort of got over that, obviously mixing with a better crowed. Ooooh, i can just see this lot in their own little judgemental clique in the school playground - NASTY!

Hang on a second...

Why post on AIBU if the OP is going to tell ANYONE who happens to disagree with her that they are 'shouting their mouth off'

I simply told the OP that I thought her spelling was pretty bad, and she should look at that. There are plenty of spell checkers around for people who struggle.

This is an AIBU... The OP asked why people look down on young mums... I don't look down on young mums (and said so to other young mums on this thread) but one who has happily split up with the baby's father (and doesn't seem to even consider the possibility of involving him in the baby's life), has moved on to an 'ex' which, apparently, is relationship of the century. having lasted one WHOLE year, and only seems to be able to consider views that agree with her own.. sorry, I take a view on that and it's not the most positive one ever.

If that, in your view, LEM, makes me a nasty ignorant twunt, then that's your call. I've offered a lot of help / advice and support to you over the time I've been on MN... but that seems to mean nothing...

Oh well.

Sorry, but only dealing with those who agree with you... THAT's a clique.

Um, I think you need to take a look at which section this is in. This is the ante-natal club section, not AIBU. Even so, there was no excuse for what you did. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but to post such a rude and patronising message on a board established to provide a supportive place for expectant mothers is uncalled for.

OK, apologies - to be fair, I did think it was AIBU and, hands up, that;s my fault for not checking - so apologies for that.

I would have stayed off the thread full stop if I had realised.

Still don't get what was rude and patronising (well, not for AIBU!)... but LLAREGGUB, I take your point..

So, apologies - this wasn't acceptable for AN.

HM

Well, bless you for being apologetic. You don't often see that around here!

This is a subject close to my heart because, as I posted earlier, my (now) 19 year-old cousin has recently given birth. I know that she struggles with confidence issues due to her age, and finds it difficult to access the usual mummy-type activities because she feels excluded by the hordes of older, middle-class mothers who she feels are judging her. From what I've read here, she is probably right. It is a real shame because she really is quite isolated and I fear she may develop PND because of it. Her friends have gone off to university and she hasn't made any mummy-type friends, so somewhere like here would be a real lifeline for her.

Anyway, just to kill some stereotypes. My cousin is a straight A student, is back working part-time and is living with her partner of 2 years in a privately rented house. Her partner currently has 2 jobs and is studying part-time to boot. She receives a lot of support from her family, and she is keen to get back to her studies while still working part-time. She has her sights set on university and a career.

OH, and I meant to add. Despite her straight As and articulate speech, she also uses that irritating text speak. So does my step-sister. I think it is just what younger people do, and isn't particularly an indicator of their intelligence.

Yeah, point taken - though I'm still not sure that it's text speak...

But, I do take the point that it is probably quite isolating for a young person (especially one, I have to say, who is gettin good grades, whose friends are more likely to leave the home town) - A baby is pretty isolating for anyone...

Thanks for accepting my apologies.

Haribo - i actually thought this was AIBU too, so its a fair enough mistake, it must have been the first ante natal one.

I KNOW that you have been VERY supportive of me on my threads and i appreciate that more than you realise. Please don't take this personally. I was SO angry last night for ymtb and i have to say that i thought your post regarding her spelling WAS out of order and then everyone else jumped on that bandwagon, especially catinthehat (not heard of him/her, is she new ) used it as another rod with which to beat the OP. I found it terrible that she was met with such a wall of moral outrage and scorn. Poor girl - really not what she needed. Her post actually was quite articulate and i wondered straight away if she is dyslexic - my dp probably can't even spell as well as this and i wouldnt be surprised if he is dyslexic - literacy doesn't always equal intelligence. I know professors who can't spell for toffee.

I would hope that you will regard this thread as well, this thread and that we can continue to post to each other without animosity.

The whole attitude of everyone here skewed the whole argument. I do think that there is a huge problem with teenage mums - but the OP is an adult and whilst she is a young adult, i don't class her the same. I never felt like i was a teenage mum either and had my baby at 19. But how could you have a rational debate about it with all the horrible bullying that went on here last night - all i can assume is because it was well past wine oclock.

I don't know waht the answer is actually - you see, our bodies are actually telling us to have babies, that is why we are having sexual urges at that age - biologically we are fitter then, more able to cope - it is only society that has gone the other way. I remember saying to my MW when i fell pregnant with DD2 (i was 35) But im too OLD to have a baby!! But it seems to be very fashionable to start a family in your thirties just now. I imagine back when my parents were young, it was more likely that the OP was probably average age - be intersting to find that out. So we all know that sexual arousal is a powerful thing and our 14 year olds and onwards are feeling it - as uncomfortable as that makes us. Maybe the approach should be teaching youngsters how to deal with those feelings instead of pretending that they are not there - teaching about safe sex, also other ways of dealing with the frustrations as it were, without penetration. We all know there are lots of things to do . But how can we teach our children about mutual masterbation it would make our toes curl and rightly so??

I don't have the answer to the problem of teens having babies, it IS a problem but this thread didn;t allow for people to say that last night because I for one would have felt that it was adding to the anti OP atmosphere.

I am sure the OP WILL make a great mum. I have witnessed lots more older mums sponging off the state like it is their entitlement - single mother or not, there are plenty of couples claiming benefits and not wanting to work. Doesnt really matter if you are 33 or 19

Haribosmummy if you had read my comment above you would know why i am not with my babys dad and dont want him involved he become violent would you bring your child up in that situation i dont think so!! yes i am with a diffrent parnter but at least he is trying to surpport me and my baby.

llargegub, you raise a good point there - its not just working class chavs who have teenage pregnancies!! Not saying the OP is a chav!! But that is the image isn't it. But lots of young mums get pregnant and manage, with the support of their families, finish their education or in my case, restart their education in order to provide for their chiled, and go on and become great parents and paying their taxes like everyone else. That is where i think the solution lies, i think there should be more impetus on the parents of these young mums to support them. That way, if they thought that they couldn't just cart them off to a council flat and be on benefits, probably as they were - they may well educate their children more thoroughly!

LucyEllensmummy thank you for your surppot and appropirate comments i do apreitiate it.

regardless of where posted some responses here are rude.picky about spelling just to be confrontational.understood it enough to read,and comment.it is really petty and condescending to comment on an understandable post that has errors

she explained her dyslexia
make you feel better to have a go at someone who has specific difficulties.

gosh,doesn't that make one so big,so clever

oh and if in doubt shout Troll

even better post the frigging bat or troll spray.because that is original

In all my anger last night i forgot to mention my niece. She was 18 when she fell pregnant with her first child, and insanely went on to fall pregnant again within the first year. She has had very little support from the state because her partner is working - he has stuck by her and the babies. They don't claim benefits but have, i think, been given a raw deal because of this - it would be much easier for them if he were to just sign on and get a council place. They rented a place privately but couldnt afford the rent (he is a bus driver but they live in london) and have had to move back in with my SIL. It is far from ideal but because her partner is working they can't get any social housing help.

Sadly i think my niece WAS too young for all this, and her DP. But they are trying their very best. Bless her, she isn't that bright (unlike the OP who clearly IS intelligent) and i think they have struggled with the grown up stuff of housing etc. They really have had a shit time of it - but from all accounts she is a great little mum and is devoted to her children 100%.

This is the thing isn;t it - some people can cope, some people can't. I coped very well thanks to my parents support andi met my lovely DP when DD1 was only 18m. 17 years later and we are still together!! My niece copes with the children, but not with other stuff and this is down to her maturity levels. I know lots of other people who became pregnant whilst at uni, but again had family support and were able to finish their degrees and get jobs.

ScottishMummy...

I think AIBU is totally different to an AN thread.

AIBU is prompting people for their opinions - and, I'm afraid, you have to deal with the fact that many people won't agree with you.

I respect, and have apologised for, the fact that this was NOT AIBU thread and consequently, my views were neither particularily called for or welcomed.

I really don't think I can or should add anything else to this particular thread.

HM

LucyEllensmummy yea so she is young and is very good at taking care of her children that is my argument we can be good parents as well as the next person.xo

(SM - the third post yesterday raised the questions you suggest about the OP. There were several other mentions throughout the discussion.)

LEM - I haven't reported any of your personal comments, threats,and general throwing your weight around but yes, as others have said, they have been noted. I wasn't the only one to change my opinion of you adversely.

Despite your attempt to get this thread pulled, despite your self serving homilies today, I am sure you regret revealing the underside of your personality last night.

As for "wine o'clock", I'm afraid you may need to ask yourself a few hard questions. It was decaffeinated tea for me yesterday evening, obviously I can't speak for anyone else.

The search facility is your friend if you wish to find out more about me. I'm sure you don't wish to remain in a state of permanent ignorance.

I'm 18 weeks PG... Orange and lemonade is the strongest thing I drink (though I missed the wine O Clock comment!!)

Well good for you! what's it going to be,a Gummibear or a CokeBottle?

Do you really honestly think i revealed the underside of my personality? Really? Yeah, im a right bitch - sticking up for some teenage slapper that got knocked up.

I regret upsetting harribosmum actually because she has been good to be, but i was shocked and disappointed by what she said last night.

Throwing MY weight around?? LMAO thats funny, mind you - i do weigh a lot. It may well have been well past wine o clock last night, but im afraid my house was as dry as the sahara dessert - unlike tonight

Now can we just leave this, its not helpful in terms of supporting the OP, or in terms of an intelligent debate.

oh and just for the record, i don't regret anything i said last night, i would maybe like to be able to be more succinct, but i never was good at making a long story short. I did a search on your name and i don't recognise you - sorry.

Ive always had a really bad feeling about the cat in the hat though, i mean, what is that all about, a strange cat type person arriving at some childrens house while their mother has left them all day???

Oh, and ive always wanted to do THIS

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youngmumtobe - I have only read half the bile on this thread spewed by short sighted people, don't worry some of them spout alot of rubbish on a variety of topics and threads. Please don't worry about it.

I will tell you my story.

I first fell pregnant at 16, sadly i lost my twins.
DP and I then decided we would try again and at 17 i fell pregnant with DS1, the first thing DP did was go and get himself a job and us a joint bank account to support us, he also moved into my parents house untill we secured a deposit on a flat.

We now have 2 DS's and am about to celebrate my 22nd Birthday.
Yes we may live in a Council house, the only benifits we get are Disability Living Allowence for our DS1 who has CF.
DP works bloody hard to support us, and i also since having the children have got myself a Criminal Psycology Diploma and another in Physiology and Holistic Therapys. Thet were mosly done at home but that doesn't matter.

I guess what i am saying is you can be who the hell you want to be, regardless of what age you are when you have children. Like i say ignore the drivel on here.

Feel free to contact me as one young mum to another.

[email protected]