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why do people judge us young mums?

259 replies

youngmumtobe · 04/03/2009 19:23

im 19 and due to have my first baby on the 24th march but im being induced on the 12th. i always get judged by people as i dont look my age. wheneva i go out people stare and make comments it realy makes me paranoid.i dont get why people judge without knowing our situation i mean im still living at home and plan on stayin here for a good few years. im going back to college and work after iv had baby as i hate being on benifits.i just dont get why we are judged we make good mums aswell just coz we are young it dont mean we not gna be as good as a older mum.

OP posts:
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youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 20:38

oldladyknowsnothing. gosh it soo goin to be weird but i carnt wait to experiance all that tho. iv just had a lil rant lol if you go on tha link above your post ya will see why.xo

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LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 20:39

I had a baby when i was 19, i was a good mum!! I was lucky to have the support of my family - I am now a mother again, im 38 and my DD is 3 - God its harder this time around .

Its funny though, i just htink that this is the age when some children are well, thats just it, children still - My DD is 18 and she might think she is mature, but she just isn't. Her cousin is the same age and has just gone off to australia for a year ON HER OWN!! She'll cope, find work - have fun and be OK, my DD probably coudlnt even make her way to london on her own. Everyone is different so whilst some people wont be ready for motherhood at 19, some will.

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 20:40

I too was deeply offended by the link - a pile of mysoginistic bollocks, quite worrying that people like that are even allowed in the labour party!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 20:44

youngmumtobe, I read the link and understand your rant.

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 20:44

Oldladyknowsnothing - i appreciate what you are saying about having your own home and not living witn your parents but actually, lots of people are living with their parents because they can't afford their own homes, despite being in good jobs etc, it is the way our society is going.

TheButterflyEffect · 05/03/2009 20:44

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youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 20:44

thanx for the comment lucyellensmummy i will admit i wasnt mature untill i got pregnant but when i found out i was preg i changed and so did my prioties i was 18 wen i fell pregnant turnted 19 while preg i must admit i did enjoy my life before i was preg bu im also looking forward to being a mum i love kids and carnt wait till me lil man is here. do i think im ready i wasnt in the early stages but now i am.xo

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GetOrfMoiLand · 05/03/2009 20:46

LEM - you are exactly right. It is not just age dependent - some people are not ready for motherhood at the age of 35, some are ready as a teen.

I had dd at 17 and of course it was a struggle, but I don't think that the adjustment to motherhood would have been any easier if I had her at 30.

Of course I missed out on living it up whilst in my teens and early twenties, however I am sure I will make up for lost time when dd goes to university, when I will only be in my mid-30s.

I think the major reaction (and judginess) against teen mothers is the automatic assumption that the mother will be on income support (aka "sponging off the state") and teh child will live in poverty. I worked FT from when dd was 3 months, put myself throuh university in my spare time, worked myself up in a good career, and now pay 40% tax, so bollocks to that argument.

In answer to the OP - people will always judge and pass comment. The only thing you can do is ignore it and spend all your energy on being a good mum - good luck!!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 20:48

LucyEllensmummy, I know - my own DCs live with me and DH because they can't afford to leave home. I feel sad for DS1 in particular, because he's 22 and really does need his own place, he and DH clash antlers regularly and it's only because of that. DH and I both left home at 17, but that was back in the days of student grants, it's quite different now with student debts which can amount to more than DH and I paid for our first home together!

Ewe · 05/03/2009 20:49

I don't know if I look really old for my age or something but I had my DD at 21 and have experienced no negativity at all.

What I would say is, be confident in yourself and your abilities, it is very easy for other people to doubt your ability as a parent if you seem to doubt yourself.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/03/2009 20:50

youngmumtobe, I live with my head in the clouds half the time, but I've just realised you have only a week to go! You must be so excited.

You said you're going early, will that be induced or elective Caesarian? [nosey emoticon]

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 20:51

everyone thinks they are not ready, whatever their age. I don't actually think you qualify as a young mum either . Your life is not over, its just begining and now you have every reason to make a go of things - this is what happened to me. Having my DD1 was the best thing that ever happened to me. I HAD to grow up, and i did. I still went out and had fun, i still met my lovely DP when i was 21 and we have been together ever since and have DD2. I managed to go to college, then uni and now have a PhD. Now im a mum again !!! arrrgghhhh! I am honestly not joking when i say i found it easier the first time - i had more energy for one thing.

My advice to you is to cherish every bit of support you are offered and make the most of it.Make sure that you get the benefits you are entitled to and any help available to make going back to college possible. Thres no rush, i didn't go back until i was 24. I would honestly not change a single thing about having DD at a young age. Was absolutely the right thing for me to do - it gave my life meaning and direction. I wasn't unhappy or anything before, but when i had DD i realised that this was what life was all about!

Congratulations on your little man - you will make him proud. I also bet your parents are really proud of you too!!

catinthehat1 · 05/03/2009 20:51

Benefits? but surely the child's father supporting you?

To reiterate part of the blogpost referred to above:

"I?m a Labour MP, so some will undoubtedly be surprised, and shocked that I?m writing this. But I can no longer pretend that the army of teenage mothers living off the state is anything other than a national catastrophe."

supersalstrawberry · 05/03/2009 20:52

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyEllensmummy · 05/03/2009 20:54

catinthehat - are you a man?

youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 20:55

OldLadyKnowsNothing. i am quiet affended by tha link and really annoyed that people do think that way.

i am very gratefull for all the comments and i kinda understand a lil bit betta but still not fully. xo

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mad4mybaby · 05/03/2009 21:00

i had my ds1 when i was 25 and have a 15 week old and am now 27. I know this isnt as 'young' as you but i dont look my age and i still even get asked for ID! I understand what you are saying as i get stares and people looking at my boys and then at me and strangers coming up to me saying 'you've got your hands full' well yes i have but so would anyone who have 2+ close together!!

People (including health people) are always saying i dont look old enough to have 2 small children. No i dont work, im fortunate to be able to have a few years off to cherish being a SAHM until they are at school and before i had them i had a very succesful career. I am very happily married, have a mortgage, my own car but people DO jusge what they see on the outside. All you have to remember is what is important and that is your beautiful LO and they are what matters, not what random strangers think of you x

catinthehat1 · 05/03/2009 21:07

LEM of course not, I am a cartoon character.

RockinSockBunnies · 05/03/2009 21:07

Going to go against the grain here - I was a teenage mother. I had DD at 19 - she's now almost 8 and I've just had my 27th birthday.

I agree with the link posted earlier to the Labour MP's site. I do think that an awful lot of teenagers become pregnant because of a fundamental lack of self-worth and because they see a baby as giving their lives meaning. I doubt very much that there are many teenages in this country who aren't aware of the need for contraception and who honestly get pregnant completely 'accidentally'.

Speaking from experience, I was a screwed up, middle-class teenager and I wanted a baby from around the age of thirteen. I honestly believed that if I had a child, I would have someone to love, someone that loved me and that my life would have purpose.

Having DD has obviously changed my life beyond all recognition. It made me determined to succeed. I went to university - Oxford - with DD in tow. I took DD backpacking round Vietnam and Thailand when she was four. I moved to London to do my MSc, then I worked for a couple of years, now I'm doing a law conversion course and have a job lined up with a Magic Circle law firm. I'm damned if I'm going to be stereotyped like many lone parents are and I have a very strong drive to succeed and to provide the best for my daughter.

But where I live in North London, I see so many teenage mothers pushing their children round and often pregnant with their next child. Maybe I shouldn't judge them but I do. I know that perhaps I'm fortunate in that I had a good education and a supportive family when I had DD, but there's no way I'm going to sit around on benefits.

I want to be a positive role model to my daughter and to teach her a strong sense of right and wrong.

Sorry that this is turning into an essay, but as a young, lone parent myself, I want to give another opinion as to why so many people do look down on young mothers. I feel that something needs to be done to break the cycle of children having children.

Haribosmummy · 05/03/2009 21:09

YMTB, I can see where you are coming from - my (14YO!!) DSD was pushing my son and was given FILTHY looks by strangers for pushing the buggy - even though with me, her dad and her younger sis... People just ASSUMED she was a 13YO mum!!! WRONG!!!

But, I will say one thing, please look at your spelling and grammar before mouthing off:
affended = Offended
sed = said
benifits = Benefits
claimin = Claiming
workin = Working
untill = Until
jus = Just
independance - Independence
reson = Reason
stayin = Staying
wif = With
articales = Articles
use = Us

I haven't even started on the grammar.

mrsjammi · 05/03/2009 21:10

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youngmumtobe · 05/03/2009 21:12

OldLadyKnowsNothing. i am being induced on tha 12th.7dais to go and counting.lol.

supersalstrawberry. thank you for the comment i didnt see it in that way. so yea i defo will use it to my advantage as my so called m8s do expect me to fail and im dertermind to prove that i can do it.

LucyEllensmummy. thank you i hope he is proud of me i want him to look back and think yea she was young but she still had her life and looked after me.

catinthehat. to answer your question no i am not with my bbys farther but yes i do have a partner and he does his best to surport me and bump.

OP posts:
Haribosmummy · 05/03/2009 21:14

Jesus!

tha = the
dais = days
farther = FATHER
Surport = Support.

I think I must join pedants corner.

Do you have English GCSE?

catinthehat1 · 05/03/2009 21:14

I'm glad you didn't find the link "affensive" RSB, it wasn't meant to be. I think the blog was a good reply to the OP's title question.

Somehow you strike me as being a real person. Not every young mother on this site has given me that impression unfortunately.

mad4mybaby · 05/03/2009 21:16

haribosmummy, whats with your obsession with the OP's spelling etc????????