Gosh, I haven't been on for a while - Trying to sort out moving to Bristol. Packing things and looking for places to rent is nightmare enough. Got the willies about what will happen to the midwife situation. I have one now here in Cardiff who will come to visit wherever you live in the area. It is kinda an extra support service for people who don't have anyone they can depend on. I am not sure if they have the same thing in Bristol I hope so as I will have to move again before the baby is due (if all goes to plan fingers crossed) and that will mean I am unlikely to have the same GP let alone the same midwife.
Everything is very much up in the air. Though I bought a car today feeling chuffed. It is my first one ever. I always had to borrow my Dads as I had no cash but I had a bit of money put away and now I will have my car buy friday So finally that freedom has come together. I'll need it to sort out moving and getting to and from College as the course I am doing can't be transfered to Bristol from Cardiff. Different eamining boards etc...
The least of my worries just now is the pregnancy. I find I am feeling all collywobbly and have constant windy/indegestion stomach. Riding in the car had me gagging. Infact I feel alot sicker than I did My stomach seems alot thicker and doesn't suck in anymore despite not being actually bigger. Just feels like there is definately something going on in there now. Other than that it is going ok.
I hope after I have moved house (have to be out of this flat by the 1st of december) That later on in the pregnancy I can find a 2 bedroomed flat in the same area. This would mean I wouldn't have to change GP's and possibly hospitals again. It is nerve wracking at best.
I have had a couple of people tell me they'll try and take the baby away cos I have suffered depression and anorexia too in the past I don't think it is very supportive of the only 2 people I have told (other than my dad) to put the fear of god into me so early in the pregnancy. I am anxious and sensitive enough as it is without them making misinformed judgements. Well part of me thinks they are right. What rights do I really have as a single parent anyway... I am worried about post natal depression, but you would hope you would get support not people pledging doom and gloom. Honestly ladies I start to think most women are just unhelpful when it comes to pregnancy. They all have horror stories, they all say 'oh your life will never be the same' All the worries I have felt have been cos of other peoples' worldly wisdom. Everyone seems to be an expert and I really wonder if that is true. Yeah pregnancy/childbirth is tough but pushing a baby out thats just the beginning. If you get me...
The baby thing doesn't interest me much. I want to raise my child. I have never had an affinity for a bouncing baby. I live in the real world. I don't seek affirmation from a child. That has to come from yourself. I won't be attempting to live my lost ambition through my child. I want to do the best by them as possible. My being ill in the past makes me know how bloody tough life is. I have no delusions. I know how hard this is going to be. I just don't see why people can't be at all sensitive. It is a sorry cry what things are like in modern times. What we seek. The accumulating of crap. The fairweather friends. true friends are hard to come by. I would just have liked someone to be like 'hey thats great' Not watch your back for the social services they'll think you are unfit cos you haven't got a partner a good place sorted and you have a history of depression.
Bit early is you ask me. Only coming up to 9 weeks pregnant and already they are telling me to fear having my kid taken away. Who knows what will happen in the next few months without having that anxiety over my head.
My Dad has been great. Really good about it. Driving me to Bristol to look for places - helping me get the car today. I am worried about not doing well in my exams as the pregnancy has my concentration in the floor. Even writing this is giving me a headache. I have found my classes hard as I feel I have a hangover and turning to look at the board repeatedly and keeping up with the teacher is difficult. If I don't do well in these exams which will have to be postponed anyway due to the birth (fingers crossed) Then I can kiss goodbye to entering uni as a mature student almost entirely. Dad said though if I explain to them near applying my circumstances that it will help. I hope so. I really want to go to Bristol English school. If I want to get towards being a teacher I have to go to a good uni.
Well as you can see the pregnancy is the easy bit for me. I kinda just take my vitamins and look at budgeting for baby stuff. I figure if I know now how much it is gonna cost now I can save towards it. I have covered every last part of cost, written it down - Read loads of books. Consulted ebay. Price compared. Infact I have already done the stuff I'd have to do later. All I'll have to do when the time comes around it go to said places to buy stuff I have already researched and will have made a killer bargin Got someone to borrow a moses basket off.
I guess the obsession of being an ex anorexic stands me in good sted here I have planned, ordered and conquered the to do list before 12 weeks of pregnancy. Made all sorts of allowances for sales etc... Got hold of the NCT. Consulted goodness knows who. Though come to the conclusion I ought to trust myself more. Looked up the miscarriage rate - prepared myself for every eventually with the pregnancy - scans etc...
I know I want this child more than anything. I just want to sort out where I am going to live so I can relax a bit. It is horrible having that up in the air. Stability is the most important thing. When that is settled things will start to work out. But I do want a good midwife that I can depend on as I don't have anyone. My Dad will be going away over the birth time anyway to keep my mum away from me. We both think this best. I wonder how I will manage with getting clean clothes.
However that is too far ahead. You have to see how the pregnancy goes. However lending my mind to it - well it can't hurt to prepare yourself for what it is really going to be like. I have to - I have no body to fall back on. Just me who has to be strong. Not afraid of that. Well thanks for letting me rant.
I wish I could get all antsy about thickening waist lines but well - bodies change. Baby will only be borrowing mine for 9 months thats the least of my worries I just don't get caught up about that kind of thing. Waste of time and energy is you ask me. No doubt I will have a moan though as it progresses, I just kinda think a bit of discomfort worth it The constipation is horrid I shall not deny that but then I have been fondly stroking belly in bed and checking how big bean is today