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Original poster

The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

510 replies

3littlebadgers · 20/01/2016 07:30

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

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5
KittyandTeal · 02/02/2016 14:12

It's lovely to hear about baby badger boy, he sounds adorable.

If it makes you feel any better I went through a phase just after loosing dd2 where I was utterly convinced dd1 had dies in the night (despite being a healthy, happy and strapping toddler). I used to check on her loads, often waking her up poor thing. A few times I was so worried a crawled into bed with her (we coslept till I got pregnant with dd2 so in some ways I think I was regressing a bit iyswim)

I'm largely over it now. I was very much that 'oh she's eating grass, no worries' kind of parent. I'm now much more risk averse with her but am trying hard not to be.

I'm sure it will pass but it is horrifically scary while it's happening.

And yes, I remember waiting for that yellow poo, dd1 had a few issues getting feeding at first so they wouldn't let us go until the 'big yellow poo' had happened 😂 5 bloody days I was in hospital waiting for that poo!

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 02/02/2016 16:52

He he thanks kitty, it makes me feel a little more normal at least Grin

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OwlinaTree · 02/02/2016 22:04

There's an enormous yellow poo on its way badgers! Glad all is going well. I think the anxiety is normal, the only reason I was able to sleep when my son was born is because I had the motion sensor mat that bleeps if they stop breathing. Meant I could relax enough to sleep.

Thanks for the kind wishes about the scan, Friday is approaching, I will let you all know.

hopinghopefullyagain · 03/02/2016 18:43

Badger it's lovely to hear that baby badger is doing well. I must confess that I'm in the evening sickness phase and all this talk of yellow poo is turning my stomach a bit.

Today's 8 week scan went as well as it could; there is a baby with a heartbeat who is measuring about right. We were advised against nipt or harmony because all the trisomy markers are so clear at scans and because they think there may still be traces of dd1s dna in me which would skew the results. So we are accepting that for now and waiting for the next scan in 4 weeks. That feels like the big one now and in some ways I feel more worried now than I did before. Must keep breathing, all will be well

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 04/02/2016 09:34

Yey the scans are going well! Smile fingers and eyes still crossed for you Owlina Wink. Hopefully take it a day at a time my lovely you will get there.
We have had two yellow poos! I am overjoyed thanks for the good vibes you were all sending out x

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anais2403 · 04/02/2016 16:26

It's so reassuring to read all your stories. I just announced our pregnancy to my best friends this week. And just telling them made me enormously anxious. I told them by email and I think they thought I was going loopy honestly... They tell me to relax and take one step at a time, but sometimes I feel like that's just not possible. There is so much certainty in pain, whereas joy = uncertainty! I find that so tough to live with. Hearing about your anxieties - while I really feel for you having ot go through all this - really makes me feel less alone and less crazy....

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 04/02/2016 17:02

Anais, that makes so much sense. When I gave birth to my rainbow baby badger boy, I sent out texts to let people know he'd arrived safe and sound. I got confused messages from a few of my friends, apparently I'd not even told them I was expecting! Thinking about it I don't know who I was trying to protect from hiding it, myself or others. As you say too much uncertainty. You tell who you want, when you are ready and if that day never comes till you are holding your rainbow safely in your arms, then so be it.

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KittyandTeal · 04/02/2016 17:06

That's great news hopefully. I'm really interested in you being told not to do a nipty. I was wondering if I might come back as high risk because of dd2s dna. Did they give you a time limit?

I need to call my screening mw and ask I think.

Yay for the poos badgers :)

Anais I'm glad you've told someone, I hope in time they will be able to help with your anxiety too.

hopinghopefullyagain · 04/02/2016 20:47

Kitty, honestly they weren't sure of a time frame. 3 months was a possibility bit so was forever! The only research they couls find wss one survey of 12 women in china on 1999 which said dna was untraceable the day after birth. The consultant said she would contact the company and find out.

KittyandTeal · 04/02/2016 20:53

I guess because it's such a new test then not a huge amount of research has gone into that.

I'll ask at the fmc when we get there, I guess they'll want my history.

I'm thinking if this on is a boy it'll be easier to get an accurate result (as in XY chromosomes with or without issues rather than 3 sets of XX one that has T18, one that doesn't and the new baby!)

I guess maybe I'll just go in with the knowledge that I have a higher chance of coming back with a high risk. Still beats waiting to 20 weeks for me though. I can't go into my anomoly scan without knowing one way or another. At least this way I will.

hopinghopefullyagain · 05/02/2016 06:21

That's true actually, I hadn't thought about the difference between xx and xy chromosomes. I'm convinced that this baby is a boy. Our consultant was confident that she would be able to detect markers at 12 weeks if there are any. That takes a bit of the pressure off the 20 week scan, like you say, the thought of waiting until then is horrendous. Think we will see what the next scan brings and take it from there. Trying really hard to keep our heads until then but it's tough.

KittyandTeal · 05/02/2016 06:57

That's good, I guess if they're specifically looking for them and it's a consultant doing to scan it's much more likely to be picked up at 12 weeks. I don't think I've got a consultant scan until 20 weeks apart from the private one I'm paying for so it would be a long wait for me.

They say they can pick up some markers or anomalies at 10 weeks at the fmc which I'm quite surprised about

hopinghopefullyagain · 05/02/2016 07:14

That would be a long wait. I'm being scanned by the consultant monthly, apparently it's standard procedure here after a loss

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 05/02/2016 09:17

Good luck for the scan Owlina x

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OwlinaTree · 05/02/2016 11:22

All went well this morning guys, thanks for your kind thoughts. Saw a wiggly baby kicking about. NT measurements were in normal range so fx for a good result there. What a relief.

KittyandTeal · 05/02/2016 16:44

That's brilliant news owlina.m

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 05/02/2016 17:55

Fantastic news Owlina, come on wriggley baby! Smile

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OwlinaTree · 05/02/2016 18:09

Thanks guys Smile

hopinghopefullyagain · 05/02/2016 19:49

Good news owlina, long may it continue for all of us

KittyandTeal · 05/02/2016 20:06

Yay. I've started to have a few positive pangs.

KittyandTeal · 08/02/2016 14:20

I had my first consultants appointment today and came across my first not so good care!

She hadn't read my notes or even noticed the green sticker. She started with 'this is baby number 2' so I corrected her then had to go over all my history. She talked at me about my dd1 birth (she had a shoulder dystocia) and went over the options for birth but as I couldn't remember if it was a major or minor she couldn't help much.

She was obviously trying to be helpful but didn't have a great 'bedside manner'. She asked me some questions about my births which being high on pethadine and morphine I don't recall so well so I referred to dh, she then just spoke right over him!

As I was leaving I heard one midwife say to another 'see I told you it was bloody green sticker day today!' 😡

On the plus side I met another lovely midwife who deals with women who have lost babies to fetal anomolies and she was lovely. Hopefully we'll get to actually see the director at some point rather than that consultant again.

hopinghopefullyagain · 08/02/2016 18:50

Oh kitty that really is terrible. Is this the person who is supposed to lead your care for the rest of the pregnancy? That can't happen! Today I heard that a lady in a very similar situation to me found out recently at her 12 week scan that she had lost her baby at 9 weeks. Just when I was starting to get my fears about our scan into perspective! Not a good day all round

KittyandTeal · 08/02/2016 18:58

No she's one of the consultants under the director of fetal medicine. It's the director that we are under and will be but when she's busy you often see other consultants.

At least she booked all my scans etc in.

I was feeling positive but now I'm nervous about our 10 week scan. I'm worried we'll go all that way and find the baby has died. I know that a heartbeat at 8 weeks means a 98% chance of going to term, that kept me positive for a while but now I'm feeling anxious again. I'm also not well with a chest infection thing and a poorly preschooler so I'm utterly shattered and struggling to keep myself positive.

Hopefully this time next week I'll be positive again. It all just seemed so preemptive booking in 16 and 20 week scans. Still I guess it had to be done.

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 08/02/2016 19:00

Oh kitty Sad I am sorry they were so bleeding awful. I hope that is the last of it for you. Will she be your consultant throughout? If so can you change? I might get slated for this, but I had a different consultant, pretty much each time, after 20 weeks, when mine went on maternity leave. The most sympathetic ones were the men. I know a bit of a sweeping generalisation, and if it helps the worst one I had was also a man, but on the whole, when I broke, they just let me go with it rather than try to tell me to pull myself together, and panic, like the lady consultants did. One midwife even had to explain to the consultant why I was so teary, despite her knowing I lost Azra. The men didn't seem scared of my pain and fear, which is what I needed. In the end it was one of them that got me in early to have badger boy.

Afm, I am struggling with my grief for Azra so much today. This time last year she was tucked up safely inside me, wiggling her tiny toes in my ribs. It is fast approaching her birthday/ anniversary and soon I won't even be able to say, this time last year Sad it feels like I am losing a little bit more of her.

We ordered her headstone not long after she died, they said they would place it for us on her birthday. Something to focus on for the day. But we haven't heard anything from them. I'm scared they have forgotten, and she won't get her one and only birthday present. I can't call them to ask if it is ready, because I'm also terrified they will remember and then there will be nothing left to do for her. I just miss her so much, I'd do anything to bring her back but instead I'm just saying goodbye that little bit more Sad

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Original poster
3littlebadgers · 08/02/2016 19:01

Sorry for the down in the dumps post x

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