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Connect with mums-to-be with similar due dates to share experiences and support.

Original poster

The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

510 replies

3littlebadgers · 20/01/2016 07:30

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

OP posts:
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5
KittyandTeal · 08/02/2016 19:04

Oh badgers I'm so sorry you're struggling today.

I found the build up to the year anniversary/birthday so hard, much harder than the day. I imagine it's even harder with another little one to look after as well.

Can you give them a call about the headstone? I'm sure they've not forgotten, it'll be in their diary but I'm guessing they won't want to be bothering you. Calling them and checking might give you piece of mind though.

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 08/02/2016 19:43

Thanks kitty, I might call them. It's just no matter what they tell me I think I'll find it hard. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day Flowers

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KittyandTeal · 08/02/2016 19:51

It will be, putting a headstone up will be really hard. I found putting dd2s plaque up hard but also it made me feel she was more part of the world. I had somewhere more concrete to go.

💐 For you x

OwlinaTree · 08/02/2016 22:32

Sorry you are struggling a bit today badgers. I'm sure the undertakers would be understanding if you rang them to ask about it.

I agree with kitty that the build up to the anniversary can be tougher than the day in some ways. You've been through so much in a year, it's not surprising that it is overwhelming at times. Thinking of you.

haquoi123 · 11/02/2016 22:18

Hi all! Baby boy haquoi was born today at 18.14 weighing 9lbs after a 9 hour labour. My home birth went amazingly to plan. Went into labour at 9am, called the midwives at 9.30am and they turned up about 11 ish. In the pool from 12 and then pushing from about 1pm till he was born. Bloody hell! He's absolutely gorgeous, we're over the moon and the experience was incredible. Exhausted. I'll post a photo tomorrow

Original poster
3littlebadgers · 12/02/2016 06:51

Yey! Congratulations to you both and welcome baby Haquoi Smile I'm so pleased the homebirth worked out. Those road blocks must have worked then Wink

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KittyandTeal · 12/02/2016 06:54

Ah massive congratulations. Your home birth sounds lovely and peaceful (as peaceful as birth can be!)

Can't wait to see a pic

hopinghopefullyagain · 12/02/2016 06:55

Congratulations I'm so so pleased for you all. Kitty, how are you? Was it harmony this week? I've found it tough this week, at work more than anywhere else which is very unusual for me. Bring on half term!

haquoi123 · 12/02/2016 09:26

Thank you! I've been a bit awol the last few weeks, sorry, was struggling to keep positive, but it was all so worth it! Here's a picture. Thank you for all of the support and really wishing the rest of you all the best. It's possible! Xxxx

The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.
Original poster
3littlebadgers · 12/02/2016 18:39

He is gorgeous! He looks so alert Smile and you sound positively beaming x

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hopinghopefullyagain · 12/02/2016 18:55

He is a little beauty, congratulations again

KittyandTeal · 13/02/2016 07:27

Oh my. Look at him! He is a real cutie. You must be over the moon.

Hopefully my harmony is on Monday. I'm getting more and more nervous as the days go by. I've also been feeling a bit low, I'm ill which doesn't help but I'm generally feeling a bit meh about everything.

End of term is tough too. My job share is being a nightmare which doesn't help. How's is going with you now?

hopinghopefullyagain · 13/02/2016 18:28

If I'm honest it's up and down. More down than up really. I'm finding it much tougher than I expected. Constant nausea doesn't help although I worry myself stupid on the occasions that it eases for a bit. Work weren't expecting me to be there this term so my role feels a bit unecessary although rationally I know it really isn't. I've always buried myself in work when the goings got tough before and I can't really do that either. Just trying to keep my head, not bicker with dh and get to the next scan. How soon do you get your results?

KittyandTeal · 13/02/2016 18:45

Similar story here, just trying to keep busy but work isn't as good as it normally is.

I get my results on the 29th, possibly a bit sooner if they come back quickly but I don't know if they'll keep them for my second appointment.

figsandalmonds · 15/02/2016 12:01

Hi everyone - I changed my username (used to be anais).

Lovely to hear of newborns and things going well.

Badger I hope things went well for Azra's birthday. We put a bench with plaque and a tree in a local park for Sophie. It was really hard, and the local authority were terrible with the practical side of things but i was really glad when it was done. We have had people visiting the bench since, which we find out only days or weeks later. The workers from her nursery went up on the anniversary of her death in december and put ribbons up in the tree. It was so beautiful and it moved me to tears... it's good to have a place you can go to.

I've had a really tough 2 weeks. I've told very few people about the pregnancy. But my mum has been a bit difficult. She loved Sophie so much so naturally she is very excited that we're pregnant. But she can't seem to accept that I'm not. I don't wish I wasn't pregnant but it has brought all sorts of grief to the surface. And every time I get an email from my mum saying try to be happy it just makes it worse. I barely left the house for 5 days last week. The nausea and extreme tiredness make it worse of course and I've been feeling very sorry for myself. I worry it won't end, I worry the pregnancy will some how go wrong, but what if we loose another child? The anxiety and very low feelings are overwhelming. I'm doing a PhD so an enormous amount of self motivation is required. You can imagine how well that's going... I feel for you Kitty and Hoping...

Apologies for the rant.

KittyandTeal · 15/02/2016 14:27

Figs sorry you are feeling so low. I don't think anyone can fully understand why we can't get all happy and excited about a pregnancy after loosing a baby or child. Sometimes people have no idea what to say but 'you should be happy' doesn't help really.

Badgers I hope Azras birthday is ok. I'll be thinking of you.

I'm just on my way home from my fist scan at fmc. All very positive, the doc was lovely and took a great deal of time to explain everything and show us really detailed scan images. She is very positive and says she'd be surprised if this baby has a trisomy but who can tell.

They will call us as soon as they get the result of it is high risk which is good to know. So fingers crossed for a long 2 week wait with no results and a negative screen at our next appointment.

hopinghopefullyagain · 15/02/2016 21:28

Kitty that's such good news. Hopefully you can take some comfort from that and start to relax a little.
Figs I'm so sorry that you are struggling but also not surprised. It's so so tough - tougher than I expected to be honest. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Your mum obviously means well; do you have the kind of relationship where you can ask her to back off a bit? The physical symptoms really don't help do they? I felt rubbish for a couple of weeks because of the nausea and tiredness. Now they have eased and I'm panicking that it's a bad sign. Trying to keep calm and breathe, 1 day at a time. Thinking of you all.

townsender · 15/02/2016 21:42

Just popping back to say many many congrats to Haquoi. He looks like an absolute darling.
So touched that you posted here on the same day, it just goes to show that the support you ladies give each other is so so valued, even though you are all strangers to each other in real life. Wishing all the rest of you uneventful pregnancies.

figsandalmonds · 16/02/2016 08:28

Thanks - yes the physical symptoms make it all worse but mine have eased a bit too (which I also worry about). I dreamt about breastfeeding a baby last night, I don't think it was Sophie, but she behaved in similar ways. It was very odd, but also positive I suppose.

I can tell my mum to back off and did and she responds really well, which I am very lucky about.

Your scan sounds positive Kitty though I can imagine the two week wait will feel interminable. I will be thinking of you.

We're going to see the genetics team Friday. They did all the tests on Sophie's DNA (and ours). They're going to advise on what options we might have. I think they're basically going to tell us we can do an amniocentesis (sp?), but it carries a risk of miscarriage which is higher than the chance of us carrying the gene Sophie had. And having successfully managed to not think about it since they told us this in November when we got the tests results back... I don't know what we might do with that info...

It's a beautiful day here and I try to think about what this time next year might look like.

Thinking of you Badgers

Someone sent me a picture of Sophie's bench I wonder if I can upload it here let me try...

figsandalmonds · 16/02/2016 08:30

Here it is (you can't see the plaque or the tree)... xo

The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.
KittyandTeal · 16/02/2016 13:39

What a beautiful outlook from the bench. Very peaceful.

I know the general stats for an amnio is 1% miscarriage but there are some consultants who have never lost a healthy baby after an amnio (many of the babies lost after an amnio were already ill and would have been still born if that makes sense) The doc at kings who did mine had never lost a baby within the time frame after an amnio. I wonder if looking into specific docs might put your mind at rest, if that's even possible?

I had a funny dream last night that I gave birth to a baby boy at 34 weeks, he was tiny but perfectly healthy and fine. It was a strange and very real dream, I woke up smiling and feeling very peaceful.

hopinghopefullyagain · 16/02/2016 21:26

Well, I caved in and paid for an extra scan tonight. Ridiculous that I can't wait 4 weeks between scans but I was tying myself up in knots about whether I felt sick and what it might mean. It was worth every penny to be told that, today, all is well. The heartbeat sounds different to our daughters which just makes me think all the more that this baby is a boy. Kitty ive dreamed about this baby being a boy, dreams are strange aren't they? He moved more in 2 minutes tonight than we ever saw our daughter move. That's reassuring for this baby but I suspect that as this pregnancy goes on we will realise all the more the indicators that all was not right with her. Still some major hurdles to cross in the next couple of scans with the consultant but, tonight, all is very well in our world.
Figs, glad to hear that your mum had calmed down a bit and I LOVE the view from the bench. We also were told that the stats for miscarriage after amnio were skewed because so many of the babies had abnormalities which would have led to miscarriage anyway. I ended up having 2 as the first was unsuccessful and was fine after both. Doubt that will reassure you though, statistics don't mean anything to us now we have been the 1 in 6000. Have you got any non invasive options?

KittyandTeal · 17/02/2016 07:58

Hopefully I also can't go more than 2 weeks between scans. I'm a bit worried about having to wait 4 weeks between my 12 and 16 week scans. Hopefully I'll be having a bit of movement by then though.

It's funny what you focus on after having a baby with a trisomy. I cried because this baby was moving its arms loads, I kept saying to the doc 'it's moving its arms, look, and again' my dh had to explain to her that dd2 had locked shoulders and elbows. We also saw this baby ,I've more than we ever saw dd2 move. I'm glad you feel a bit more reassured now.

I had a rough but really helpful counselling session yesterday. I reasoned that I'm actually much more engaged and positive about this baby than I thought and that my negativity and anxiety is not actually mainly about things that could go wrong but rather all the medical appointments are triggering pretty traumatising memories from dd2. My counsellor is utterly amazing and I've now managed to separate the bits of my 'I can't do this' feeling and given them colours. It makes it feel much easier to cope with little chunks rather than a whole 'oh crap' feeling. Not sure any of that makes sense 😳

hopinghopefullyagain · 17/02/2016 10:27

I know what you mean about medical appointments. On one hand I can't do without them and seeing what is happening but on the other I hate the memories. And all the build up that goes with them. Each appointment is a major upheaval, then I feel better for a bit then I start stressing about the next one and it all starts again!

KittyandTeal · 17/02/2016 11:51

Yep, exactly. I know I don't have to do them but I do, for me, because I'd just worry more. It's annoying!

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