The rainbow cave - where we can remember our angels and pray for our rainbow.

[3littlebadgers]

Hello ladies, the other thread was full, so welcome to the rainbow cave. A place where we can hide away together as we remember our beautiful angel babies, and pray for our tiny rainbows.

Introducing myself and my babies for anyone new,

Name: 3littlebadgers
Angel: DD2, Azra stillborn at 40+5 March 2015
Rainbow: badger boy currently 36+1
Other DCs: ds1, ds2, dd1

Thank you both, it does really help to have a space like this to be able to vent, where people understand.

My (very supportive) husband will be with me at the labour. He is great and we talk a lot and he knows exactly how I feel. We are slowly making a list of things he might be able to do in labour to help me. But when I have panic attacks I find it really difficult to come out of and until now he's so far not been able to help me get out of my panic attacks. Maybe it's never possible, I don't know. But maybe I won't get a panic attack, I don't know. There have been a few things that raised anxiety levels to the max in the last year which I thought might bring on attacks (visit to Sophie's nursery) but didn't. Maybe the anticipation helps.

Owlina, yes you're right I should try online / youtube stuff. I also keep meaning to listen to meditation / hypnobirthing stuff... we're travelling to France on a boat tomorrow maybe I'll try then while I nap!

For now, I'm glad that this horrendous week and yoga experience hasn't sent me down a terrible depressive episode... I feel ok today.

Naturally, I feel like I'm taking a lot of space on the thread now, so I really hope I'm not crowding out other people who feel they can't post about other stuff. With that I do hope everyone is doing ok.

Badgers I've been thinking a lot about parenting after loss this week too. I bought a book this week... does your parenting feel different now? I would like to think I could parent in the same way I did Sophie, but I don't know that I'll be able to....

With love & thanks xo

Oh Figs I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience at the yoga class. I think people who haven't had some kind of major loss or other traumatic event in their life just don't get that you can be thankful for many things yet still be sad/upset. I had one child already when I lost my baby and when I was upset about her not having a sibling I was told I should be happy with the child I had which completely missed the point that if I wasn't happy with her I wouldn't want more and that one of the reasons I found it so hard was that I knew she herself desperately wanted a sibling. No amount of positives or things we are thankful for can ever cancel out the loss of a child. I had insomnia for three years after my baby died and nothing I actively did helped. It eventually resolved itself when I found myself feeling more at peace but it was something that happened after a long time and not something I could synthesise by making a list or just thinking positively.

I think what is best for you and your birth is very personal. For me it was a home birth with a doula present as those things enabled me to feel calm, confident and relaxed. If I had to have a planned hospital birth I would choose a hospital other than my local hospital. It may be worth thinking through your options to make sure you choose the best option for you and also thinking about what kind of things you would find particularly distressing and put things in your birth plan so that the MWs/Drs can avoid anything easily avoidable and provide extra support if any of those things are necessary. A bit like how if someone was needle phobic they might mention it in their birth plan.

Figs, it might be helpful (if you haven't already) to read a bit about methods people use to avert panic attacks/flashbacks. I had flashbacks for a while and once I was able to recognise them coming on I was able to use a technique to avert them. It didn't work on ones that came in the night when I wasn't alert but it eliminated daytime ones and gaining that control over them really helped me feel generally a bit better. Do ignore me if the above is not helpful as I realise all this kind of stuff is very individual.

Figs, parenting feels different but not all in a bad way. I am so very grateful for this little boy. I don't begrudge him any of my time, if nothing else he will know he is so very loved. Despite all of the stress of pregnancy, he has turned out to be such a happy little thing and I never though that could have been possible for him. I was such an anxious mess I thought he'd be bouncing off the walls. I do check him very often to make sure he is still alive, I'm hoping it is something that will fade as he gets older and more robust. I really do feel happy and blessed with him, and throughout my pregnancy I thought my grief would be too strong for that.
I hope you will be ok figs

Hi guys, hope all is well. I've had another growth scan today, and the baby's growth has slowed down. It's not following the line on the graph, and it's right at the bottom of the normal range now. I've got to go back for another scan in 2 weeks and see the consultant.

It's so worrying. One of the factors that was a possibility when my daughter was born was that she might have stopped growing. Obviously because I wasn't having extra scans there's no way of knowing. The midwife said that the scan has a margin of error, and that this could be the difference, therefore there is no growth problem. I've got to keep an eye on movements and go in if anything changes.

Can't help thinking the worst, but I can't even bring myself to finish the thought if you know what I mean. Hope these next two weeks go quickly and it's good news when I do go. The only thing that has changed is that my appetite is all over the place, I'm possibly not eating quite as much, but I put that down to the fact that the baby is taking up so much space now.

Anyone got any advice on how to make a baby grow and how to not worry every day for 2 weeks?

How stressful Owlina. I guess the good news is that if the baby is growing too slowly they are monitoring and will be able to take action if it gets to the point where it is of concern although I imagine that doesn't alleviate the worry much at all.

How far along are you now owl? I can't tell you not to worry because even if everything was going swimmingly, after what we have all been through, you can't escape the anxiety.

I can hope and pray that everything is well with the little owlet though, and that is what I will do

If you do feel even the slightest bit concerned get yourself into triage. The number of times I went in, and they never complained about seeing me. If nothing else just to reassure yourself that the little one is doing ok. Maybe they could agree to seeing you every couple of days until your next scan to manage your anxiety.
Are you working? Any chance you could put your feet up to conserve your energy for a bit? If eating it tricky try little and often, but honestly I am hoping that actually the scan was just off. They said badger boy would be massive with short legs, he is on the 25th percentile with the longest legs compared to his body of any baby I've seen! They can get it wrong.
Please keep us posted

Thanks for your kind words badly and badgers. It is good that I'm being monitored closely, and hopefully that will pick up any problems.

Thanks for all your messages again and thanks Badly for that advice on looking up how people avert panic attacks, I hadn't thought of that.

How are you this week Owlina? I'm thinking of you. Have you had any more news? What are you doing to cope? How far along are you? And are you still working full time? I've found it very difficult in stressful times to not focus on the one thing that is making me intensely stressed (don't we all?). But I developed distraction strategies, work being the preferred one, but probably least effective (I'm doing a PhD), but otherwise shopping (not very healthy), internet reading (not great either), exercise (saved my life but I have bad SPD / PGP now so can't do that), etc. Anyway, you'll have your own strategies. But what I wanted to say was that after a few days of practicing these I was generally able to cope better. I have really learnt how malleable my brain is and how much I can train it to cope with stress... new challenges always present themselves (labour fears in my case) but the same strategies apply. Anyway I'm rambling. The short of it is, I'm wondering how you're doing!

We had a week of holiday in France, which was so lovely... we even ventured into baby shops and bought a few bits of clothes, which I'm telling myself is a positive step towards embracing this new life and baby...

xo

Yes, how are you owl? Hope you have found something(s) to help you keep distracted until your next scan. Any activity that helps you pass time is worth doing. Is there something coming up that you need to organise? When I first started bleeding in this pregnancy I was told to come back in two weeks to see if baby was still there, because of the blood they couldn't give a straight answer yet. Anyway I organised so many events, I even manged to organise everything for DS1 birthday that is happening in September (I may have had to much time in my hands), during those two weeks. Ticking of mental boxes made me feel calmer, but only do what's right for you.

Figs I'm glad you had a lovely holiday. But can I recommend seeing therapist, they seem to help lots of people. I have recently started to seeing one, I'm at the frustrating bit where I find increasing annoying being asked lots of 'why' questions. To be honest it has helped me and gave me the opportunity to question what I feel and get other possible explanations to help me understand why I reacted the way I did during my last labour. My therapist also gave me lots of grounding techniques to try out, but I only find two of them helpful for me. Breathing exercises & positive reaffirmation hanging around everywhere possible, to help remind me where I am. But my main problem is the nightmares I get. I asked to stop talking about them after the technique recommended made it more vivid and worse. We are not all the same and what works for some will not work for others. I may go back to it later but I love the fact she didn't pester me or try to get more information from me.

Thanks earth - we do see a therapist she's great. But I'm feeling the need for something more physical, more specifically connected to the labour, pregnancy, my body and the hospital. ... We've got meetings set up with a consultant midwife at the hospital who does mindfulness and another with a private hyonobirthing practitioner. We'll see what they can offer and what feels right....

How abiut you doing earth how far along are you? In fact how far along is everyone? (I'm 26 weeks). Badgers how is baby badger doing?

X

Hello all [waves] hope you are all doing well and the week is treating you kindly.
Earth is quite wise having things to tick off does help. I guess it gives you more stepping stones to get you through.
Figs 26 weeks, you are getting there my lovely! It has been a whole summer holiday since your 20 week scan!
Badger boy is a delight, I thought I would affect the poor child with all of my anxiety and stress while I was carrying him but he is the happiest little thing.

My rainbow badger boy

Oh my he's so CUTE!! Love his baby gro and his gorgeous smile!

He is a real cutie badgers, what a happy little boy.

I'm worn out here, work really stressful. Had a work event last night which I had attended previously when pg with my daughter. Was really strange having all the similar questions again, really took me back to that time, v emotional.

Another week to go till the next scan, feeling lots of movements all the time, so that's helping me feel calm. I just hope so much that the baby is growing properly in there. I'm finding this final trimester the hardest by far, feels like it's all so near but anything could go wrong and it's so out of my control. I've managed one week, so only one week to go till the next scan, I can keep it together for one more week.

I agree that's a very beautiful smile.

figs I'm 25weeks so about a week behind you. Realised that this pregnancy is very similar to ds1 pregnancy compared to ds2 which is calming.
Of course there are things exclusive to this pregnancy like having started leaking breastmilk at 19weeks!! midwife says it's normal for some ladies, but I rather it waited a bit longer. But in a way I'm happy that it's out of the way. The worst day for me during this pregnancy was the day before milk started. It felt like I went back in time, to the time I first saw my top soaked with ds2 milk & I had no baby to feed. Why does the body still produce breastmilk for babies who are dead and will never get a chance to try it? Dc3 is alive, but ds2 wasn't and I decided I wanted the body to stop producing it on its own, instead of using the medice I was offered. Anyway, breastmilk is something that comes along side pregnancies, it's good to deal with emotions in stages. My pervious pregnancies the milk only came either a week early or two days after birth. It was a big surprise when it came and I was relived that ds1 was at a sleep over at his grandma house, which allowed me to have duvet day. I'm getting used to it now and luckily milk only comes in small quantities and random occasions. I'm hoping this would make it easier during last weeks of this pregnancy as I would be OK with it then. When, I think I would have lots of other things to worry about.

Sorry about the jumbled up post, it probably don't even make sense. Just disregard it.

With the exception of badger boy having the most beautiful smile of course.

Sorry owl I forgot to refresh the page and didn't see your update. You are right, you are now a whole week closer to the scan. And more than 30min closer than when you first posted your update. Sorry about the stressful work event. Well done for getting though it

Thanks earth.

The milk coming in is awful, I took the tablets when I had my daughter to dry it up, but it still came in after 5 days, so engorged and no one to feed. Feels like the final insult. Hope you are feeling OK.

I was never given anything for the milk; they just wrote in my notes that they'd discussed milk coming in with me even though they hadn't. It was awful getting a let down when someone else's baby cried and I didn't have one to feed.

Earth you post made perfect sense.

The milk is truly horrendous. I stood in the shower with water, milk and tears pouring down the drain. I wondered if that's why we say 'don't cry over spilt milk'? How many times I had heard that phrase but never did it sting quite so much.

Owl you can do one more week! Just week by week you will get there, or day by day if that works better. Will they increase your appointments as time goes on? Towards 32 weeks I was going in once a week for gone thing or another and then in the last couple of weeks it was pretty much every other day because I was a nervous wreck.
I lay awake one night at 2am and couldn't feel anything and my heart started racing. I went into triage and a lovely young consultant saw me and went out of his way to calm me down and make sure I was ok. He took me down to labour ward to use one of the scanners they had there as sonography was closed.he showed my the heartbeat and checked the cord and placenta everything. He explained the pattern of the blood flow to the placenta and why it showed him everything was ok. And he let me watch that tiny heart beating until I calmed right down. I bloody love that young man for showing such compassion. He was so honest with me. He was the one who got me in for my induction in the end.

Sorry I haven't been on for a while, the thread fell off my list.

Badgers that made me well up, it's makes such a difference when people are kind, in glad he supported you. Your little boy is just adorable.

Earth I can imagine the milk coming is very hard, I'm glad you feel like you are coping so far.

Owl less than a week to go until your scan now. I hope baby keeps wriggling to reassure you and that everything looks good at the next scan.

I've been feeling pretty low the last few weeks, I've even had feelings like I don't want the baby. I feel brighter today after a long long sleep, but I'm worried it is creeping into antenatal depression territory. I will chat it through with my midwife when I next see her. I can cope with feeling this way if I know it will go away, but I have a big fear that baby will arrive and the feelings will remain.

On the flip side, I have managed to think about a few names, I'm 22 weeks now so in 2 weeks time baby will need a name whether she makes it or not (twisted bereaved mother logic there). What does everyone think about "reusing" a name? We didn't know the sex of DS1 so had chosen both a boys and a girls name for him. DH and I still really love the girls name but I think I would feel uncomfortable using it. We would use it as a middle name, for sure, but I don't know about the first name. It's just pretty much the only name DH and I both love. There is an alternative we have thought of, but I don't like the meaning of it much. I'd be grateful for others thoughts on this.

Cake, you do what is right for you. I reused a lot of things for badger boy that were going to be Azra's. If you didn't officially assign they name to your angel, you are of course free to use it for your rainbow. It may even act as a little tribute.

The feelings of distancing yourself are normal. I had a massive breakdown one morning in the school playground because my rainbow wan't going to be Azra.
I didn't want a different baby I wanted her, but this baby wasn't going to be her and I was going through all of this anxiety trying to keep him safe, trying to protect everyone from the hurt of another baby death and even if he live he may be born and I might resent him for not being her.
I said to my friend 'I was just trying to make it all better but i've made everything worse'. I was so sad and so scared all at the same time.

I asked the maternity psychologist if I was depressed either postnatally or antenatally and if it would affect my bond with badger boy. Then she said 'badgers you are not depressed you are grieving and scared, I have no doubt you'll love your baby.'

Thankfully she was right. When he cried and was placed all hot and wet into my arms I felt that tiny boy snuggle in, I held him against my heart and I loved him. He was exactly who he was supposed to be. My perfect little rainbow. He didn't change my grief for Azra it was there just as it was before, neither better not worse, and I was grateful for that. But he brought with him so much joy too, to live alongside that grief.

Cake I am certain it will be the same for you, for all of you brave and amazing ladies. This is not how you envisaged bringing a baby into the world, surrounded by so much fear and sadness, but your rainbows journey will be even more beautiful because of it. It is the very essence of a mothers love. Despite the suffering these pregnancies bring both mentally and physically you are here day after day putting one foot I front of the other just to give these tiny beings a chance do not doubt the love you have for your baby. It was there the moment you decided to try again.

Cake I think it's fine to reuse or not reuse the names depending on how you feel.

When our baby died we gave her a different name to the one we had planned (it had been on our shortlist and the meaning of it seemed right). Our first rainbow has the same first name we had planned but a different middle name and our second rainbow has the middle name we had planned. For me it means we haven't 'lost' those names (if that makes sense) and it kind of links the children together. My three living children's first names are linked through the meanings of their names so I like having my angel baby having name links too even though it's not obvious to anyone else.