mrs I am so sorry. Sending hugs and I hope you are getting lots of support in rl. Like Janine I found the MN mc boards fab. Also the Miscarriage Association is very good too. Take care of yourself x
Celen I am in South London. It seems v straightforward to get copies of notes from where I had DD (I'll have this one in a different hospital as we've since moved). There's a £25 admin fee but you just fill in a form and they send copies within 40 days apparently. And I gather they have to keep the notes for 25 years anyway so they're definitely still available - presumably that's not just this one hospital...must be a general policy, so you should be able to at least ask for access if you'd like to see them. There will be a process of some kind however straightforward or not.
I reckon I definitely will get my notes to try and make peace with what happened. I was so shellshocked by the whole thing. Probably not v traumatic c/w what some people go through, but still hideous and made me v scared about the whole idea of going through childbirth again. Short (ish!) story: big panic led to induction because mw couldn't find heartbeat when I went in for a sweep at 41 weeks, she got all shouty and stressed down the phone to the hospital (v helpful) and packed me straight off to labour ward, then another mw found heartbeat but a consultant pretty much ordered induction to start anyway. Pessary didn't work, and after 24 hours stuck in 5' x 8' curtained bay (being monitored so couldn't move) they broke my waters. Contractions became horrendous really fast but I was left pretty much ignored for another 7 hours as they were so busy. I laboured until almost fully dilated still in the curtained bay (surrounded by 7 other pregnant ladies behind curtains!) no pain relief, shouting like a wild animal, and I was so so beyond scared I actually thought I had lost my mind. Finally got an (amazing) midwife who arrived with an anaesthetist so got the epidural....then I was examined and was ready to push. Apparently if they'd examined me first they wouldn't have given me the epidural as things were v advanced. All fine whilst pushing until the last minute mw pushed red button on the wall and the room filled....DD was in distress because (as it turned out) she had cord round her neck twice. Episiotomy and ventouse and she was out. And fine of course. Phew. But the whole build up was so far from the "I can do this, my body can do this, I am in a safe secure place with people looking after me" idea I'd had about it all. Midwives were lovely but there just so stretched. That tiny curtained bay and all the noises and smells around me whilst I slipped further into complete terror are forever etched in my memory :-(
Sorry that became a thesis. I've never actually written it down until now. Probably should have ages ago. Sorry to offload it on you all :-)
Hope everyone has good weeks. Only 8 days to my 12-week scan....final countdown.