The Definitlies - May 2014ers!

[MrsFooCough]

Almost there now, May mums!

Stats page: docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AvygwA-EKhURdDMwQWNNWGt0cHhmVkloazVVQ0hYNUE#gid=0

Size of baby chart: m.thebump.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-tools/articles/how-big-is-baby.aspx?MsdVisit=1

moomoin we can choose our friends but not our family. As sicknspan said long term relationships are only that because of what you are willing to go through for each other.
You are both adults but unfortunately when it comes to mothers and their sons some find it difficult to accept that their sons are grown ups. Like xav said you and bean are his family as well as them, yes he needs your support but you also need his, its give and take and under no circumstances is it his mothers place to say what she said.
I haven't spoken to my own nan for 4 years because she bad mouthed my OH behind my back, so im probably not the most diplomatic person to offer advice. My stance on what I did was purely the fact that OH is my past, present and future and I will always stick by his side the same as he does for me.

Your MIL (as good as) will soon learn, unfortunately its a long process but stick with it. As long as you and OH speak to each other about these things and understand what the other ones views are then you'll be fine. As long as you have mutual respect and support for each other you'll get through the silly family things your inevitably going to have to put up with.

Sorry meant moomin!

So pleased to hear all is well alyss!!

Sorry to hear things are tough moomin hope your oh is bring supportive even if his family aren't

Moomin what the hell do they expect from you? A cure for cancer? They're being very unfair.
If dh was upset about a family member I wouldn't "do" anything additional to what I already do - you're a couple, you should support each other though stuff, not heaping everything on you to hold it all together.
IMO if you're cuddling your OH and listening to him, that's all you need to. What, do they want you to momentarily stop being pregnant and make everything all about your OH? I'd be so hurt if dh's family brushed my feelings to the side like that. They need to remember you're a young woman (not said in a patronising way, but you're younger than your OH) and they're putting so much on your plate when you already have more than most women your age to deal with!

Thanks everyone x

I think that's the thing they don't seem to understand is I'm not the same age as OH and in a week I'll be six months pregnant, I'd love to go out and get another part-time job so that he can stay home and relax a bit but nowhere will hire me right now, his course is 10 hours a week and mine is 36 - there has to be some give and take but right now it feels like they want a family with OH and the baby, and then they'll hand the baby back to me when the fun bit is over, I'm not included in that family setup, and he's so desperate to keep them happy that it does feel like he resents 'looking after me', and doesn't see that I'm trying to 'make up for it' in doing more where I can. I don't know what they're expecting of me, I can't just be 'not pregnant' for a few days no matter how much it feels like they'd all like me to at times. I love OH and want to stick by him but it's so hard when his sister and mum seem to hate me because I'm pregnant. I get on great with his dad but it's because we have the same kind of personality; if something's getting you down, vent in private and then sort it out practically rather than constantly sniping behind someone's back.

I've tried to help him practically by being there, asking him what I can do, telling him that I'll be fine for when he goes to visit, arranging to go back to my parents to put his mind at ease in case anything happens - so now I'm doing the venting part in a few hours time I'll be over it but I can guarantee the little snipes will continue, and it does worry me that if his sister wants nothing to do with me right now, what's to say that'll change when the baby comes? I feel like when the baby's here, we come as a package now, and if they want to see him/her, they'll have to see me too (especially as I'll hopefully be bf).

Moomin I think they're being really really unfair to you and I think even taking into account the fact that they are obviously grieving I think they are being unnecessarily rude.

Sorry no helpful advice but I think they're being twunts x

And damn right you and your baby come as a package! They can lump it if they think they can be happy and nice to baby and resent you. You dh and baby are a trio- and that bond will just get stronger . I

moomin you poor thing. That's a horrid situation to be in, with the sort of disbelieving premature grieving that's going on, they're all going to still be quite angry at the whole situation. If you really feel there are issues beyond just the "look after him, he's sad" nonsense they've heaped upon you (and tbh from what you've said it sounds like the mum and sis ARE both being epic bitches about the whole preggo shebang) then I say damn well have it out with them. If you feel you're up to that, that is! Maybe being concerned for the family and wanting to visit them to see if you can be of any support might make them more keen on you, if not then you are absolutely within your rights to tell them how you're feeling. If they want anything to do with your baby then they are damn well going to have to deal with you! And none of that being nice to your face rubbish, you'll know they're not sincere and frankly it's an insult to be lied to, I've had that with exes' families. Ugh.

Sorry for ranting, everyone - I have BIG issues with DH's stepdad. DH's dad left him and MIL when DH was about 3, and stepdad came in when DH was about 9/10, and is still around. He's bigoted and ignorant and blinkered and intrusive and nosey and just damned irritating, but he means well most of the time. I have strong feelings about the baby not referring to him as "granddad" or "grandpa" or any of that, he is NOT the kid's relative and DH never called him dad so baby won't either. DH's dad passed away just as he and I started dating, it was horrid and I wish to god I could have known him better than the one phonecall we had. So Bean will know stepdad by name, and there will be a picture of their REAL granddad so they can see him and ask about him maybe.
In-laws are my pet peeve !

But seriously moom I'd be brave and bloody well find out why they treat you so badly. They might not even know they're doing it, maybe? That'd be a blessing!

Ugh. The doc prescribed me codeine for the hip and pelvic pain and thought I took some. Wish I hadn't. I've since been reading up and it does cross the placenta (doc told me yesterday that it didn't ) and can harm the baby especially in the 3rd trimester.
I won't be taking any more. Also it's a narcotic! Didn't know that either. What a dummy. Think I'd rather have the pain!

Thank you for the HB info Spirael! That's actually v encouraging. :)

Codeine isn't a huge problem in pregnancy if only taken intermittently. It does cross the placenta but the impact is minimal and it is quite commonly used as a second line (after paracetamol) by obstetric doctors including during delivery. It only becomes a problem if you are taking large amounts in the third trimester as they then sometimes have to keep an eye on baby after it is born.

As with all medication though in pregnancy it is all down to risks vs benefits and also what you feel comfortable with. So if you don't want to take it then that is probably the best choice for you and baby

So pleased for you, alyss That's great news!

Sorry you're having a nasty time, dobe. Maybe the dr will be able to prescribe you something different for the pain if you're worried about the effects of codeine.

Moomin, it does sound like your dp's sis & mother are being unnecessarily nasty to you. I think other ladies on here have given you really good advice & I definitely agree that you shouldn't put up with it. If you show them you won't be treated like that they'll have to rethink their attitude to you. Hope your dp is being supportive of you as you really don't need any more stress when you're pregnant.

Going back to the contraception thing, I was going to go for the injection but then I read on the nhs website it can take a year after coming off it to be able to start ttc again & there's no way is want that hassle!

I can't add anything useful to the good advice you've already had moomin, other than to agree with what others have said. You and baby (and oh) come as a package so they can't expect to have a relationship with baby and not with you. Also, I know I don't know any of you or the details of the situation but I don't think your oh needs 'looking after' as such, he needs emotional support, which I'm sure you're giving to him. I don't really understand what they want from you!

Moomin, if your situation was
Put into relationships they wold tell u to let the baby and oh have their relationship with the in laws and u take a step back!!

At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you and your baby!! Sometimes relationships are worth it and some are not but that's for u and only u to decide

thistles right the relationships lot would say that. But thats why your better off having come to your friends rather than some bunch of disconnected busybodies!

Ultimately you have got to make the decision and more importantly stick by your decision. Like I said before I havent spoken to my own nan for over 4 years becuase she bad mouthed my OH begind my back. She has never seen dd2 as I refused outright to have anything to do with her after that (she backstabs everyone and I'd had enough).she still sees dd1 as I felt it unfair on dd1 to stop her.

Dd1 is from a previous relationship

I absolutely would NOT let DP take a newborn to see someone who didn't think it was necessary to be civil toward me.

Thanks everyone :) I told OH how I felt last night and he said he'd intended to tell her, after she said I should be looking after him, that I was, and that all he needs is someone to be there for him if he needs to talk, and he knows I'm there for him. He also said he understands that we come as a family now, which I'm glad about because right at the start when my parents weren't happy, I said that if they want to see me and the baby they can see him too, so it works both ways thankfully :)

As for his sister and to some extent his mum, he thinks they'll come around when they see the baby. I want to be understanding towards his sister because I can't imagine how painful it must be, they've been TTC for a year and are struggling and had tests etc, and we've got into this situation accidentally and it can't be easy but OH isn't getting any of the flak for it and I'm getting glared at and blanked by her, and I know his mum is just supporting her daughter but when I have no choice but to be around them, it's a bit awkward. Thankfully like I said I get on great with his Dad, who has no time at all for stuff like this and just gets on with it :)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I think I needed the rant. Now it's just a case of seeing what happens next and acting on that if I have to :)

moomin glad everything seems to improving, at the risk of sounding like an old gimmer (which I am, comparatively speaking), ime families are always a bit of a nightmare and the main thing is that you and dp back each other up when required - sounds as though he is in board with that which is great! It must be hard for his sister but it is hardly your fault that she has had issues. Try not to let it get to you too much. And rant away, that is what we are here for!

Glad things are improving Moomin.

Excellent news Alyss, glad your little one is staying put for now.

I'm shattered today, struggling to keep my eyes open. I have a couple of really busy weekends ahead too. And already I'm thinking I might be doing too much. I wanted to get things done like visit friends I haven't seen for a while, before the baby arrives. As I think once he's here weekends away will be none existent. The downside of that, is that I have 5 weekends in a row when I'm fully booked and 4 of them involve 2 nights away from home. Hopefully I'll be able to get some early nights during the week and I'll catch up on rest then.

I've played the pregnant card

I've broken down an told the rac that!! Makes me a priority!! Oh the shame!!!

Haha thistle if you broken down then you sooo should use the pregnant card! I did with dd1 but I broke down because of baby brain and forgot to put petrol in my car!

Good work Thistle.

Haha Thistle! Go you! I've used the pregnant card today too. I got my colleagues to drop me off at the door of a client instead of having to walk from the car park, which is about a five minute walk!

I've also had clients/colleagues tell drivers "drive carefully, she's pregnant". Cute.

Well played Thistle!

Think that's the best use i've heard so far- i've only played the pregnant card to get a seat on the tube!

Thinking of you Moomin.

Not really thought about contraception, maybe now is the time to discuss with DH what we are going to do- I was on the pill for about 8 years before TTC so maybe i'll just stick with that.

I know it's early but DH suggested last night that I pack my hospital bag soon- not sure I'm ready to start considering labourin too much detail yet!!