April 2013....from Flumper to Bump! (Part 4)

[toobreathless]

Over here!

Another place for us April 2013 Ladies!

We have old thread & stats threads as below:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/1569780-April-2013-part-3-scan-scan-scan

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/1560543-April-2013-stats-thread

As the days darken & winter approaches may this thread bring us all blossoming bumps, peaceful nights & more friendship and laughter.

aufaniae it's utterly fascinating. I like what you say as it makes me feel a bit releived that even if i have had toxo (am i warm? maybe. am i prone to car crashes? deffo!) it's just the human condition to have parasites.

Throw in the virus/egg/internal gestation theory and the only conclusion we can draw is things we thought were science fiction or psychological allegory eg the Alien films are simply literal truth. .

Have you seen Prometheus? if you dig this stuff you might kind of like it. I really enjoyed it despite it not, on paper, being ideal viewing for a pregnant woman. Fassbender helped though he was not at his sexiest.

Anyway keep it coming. I have no excuse as i'm not a student but i'm a theory and paradigm junkie so will lap it up.

couldn't quite digest (ho ho) the breastmilk article. i'm more from a humanities perspective i feel you are prob more science.

mrsmuffet yes don't worry about congenital toxo. I know a retired baby doctor who said he's seen it once in a 40-year career. i think you have to be really dirty and careless to get it.

I'm just off on one about this whole 'it changes our personality' stuff.

mama1980 i had to respond. What awful luck you are having there. Your DP is completely wrong to behave how he's behaving but you're not alone - men do some wierd stuff, we've all been there.. You need to focus on your baby and its health and not worry if at all possible about DP. Don't feel you have to make any big decisions about him or big discussions with him. Save that until later when the baby is safe and sound.

xxx

Ooh it definitely makes for interesting reading don't get me wrong, it's just that its not one of the many things iv chosen to worry about :)

Mama I think somewhere is right I just think you should just concentrate on you and baby for now and leave dp to himself he can be punished later because it has to be said he deserves it!!

Oh mama you really are having a rough time of it. No words of wisdom I'm afraid- just sympathy. The others are right, no need to make any decisions about things any time soon- just make sure you look after yourself.

I take it it wasn't a planned baby? Did he want you to have an abortion because he didn't want a baby? Or because he didn't want to put your body through it? I'm glad you have family and friends to support you- it must be such a difficult time.

My DH and I fell out last night- on a completely different scale and about something really trivial, but I hate it- it really churns me up. (He's making a delicious tea and I'm being doting wife now- it's nice to make up) x

Mama I have no useful words to offer except to say that I understand your behaviour entirely but am having difficulty understanding his. I can understand that he was worried and perhaps angry for a while but to keep on with it when you have clearly made up your mind seems crazy to me. Now is when you need him to stand by you.

Perhaps he will come round when the baby is born. I think men find it hard to feel as attached to the baby as we do while it?s in the womb but when it is actually born the whole thing becomes much more real. When he is faced with the reality of his son it may well change everything. And it sounds increasingly like your little man will make it!

Kellestar Same as above really. I can offer no useful advice, only commiserations. They sound like really hard work and I?m impressed you?re still on speaking terms with them! You must have a lot of patience!

Thanks for all the stuff on toxoplasmosis and also on breastfeeding and bacteria. I didn?t know anything about it before. This whole pregnancy lark is making me much more aware of these things.

Will remember the egg thing. At the moment I can say I am happy we get to do it this way but I think come the beginning of April I will be rather wishing I could have laid an egg after a couple of months and watch it hatch!

Toobreathless and BirdBrain I think our dates are similar. My 20 week scan is 19th November. 2 weeks today. I am, literally, counting down the days.

18+3

Empress My scan is also on 19th. I'm excited and terrified!

18+2

Mama I'm so sorry, what an awful situation to be in.

I agree he may come round when he actually sees the baby. But it will be a big ask on his behalf for you to forgive him abandoning you and your DCs when you need him most. It's not up for me to say what you should do but I know I would find it very hard to get back from that. However babies do have a tendency to change things!

You said you wanted perspective. What do you want perspective on ? On your whether your DP's actions are understandable?

IMO it's unspeakably awful to leave you in this position, to withdraw his support from you and your DCs when you all need him most. He may well be scared and this is his reaction, but that's not a good enough excuse IMO. How you behave in a crisis is a mark of your character, isn't it?

He wouldn't be the first man to leave his DP when she got pregnant because he got scared, not by a long way - leaving aside the extreme circumstances you're in. (Doen't make it right though). But what do you do? If there weren't DCs involved it would be easy to say LTB. What do you want to happen?

I think Wishful's question is pertinent - "Did he want you to have an abortion because he didn't want a baby? Or because he didn't want to put your body through it?

Thanks
Somewherebecomingrain and miss muffet- thank you :) yes I am tring to just focus on only hanging on and staying pregnant for just a few more weeks. My children are absolutely my priority
Wishfulthinking- this baby wasn't planned but he has always been the one wanting more children, pushing to move in etc which is why I just don't understand him now. He was initially positive but when the reality was presented by the drs, I mean there is a very real possibility I may never walk properly again etc. he was very adamant about me having a termination when he realised it wasn't a option for me he got angry and couldn't understand. He hasn't been here in anyway since.
Aufanaie- I also can't see how I can forgive him even if he comes around once my baby is born, why would I want a man who vanishes when I need him most? What I want is for hm to go away, and be a non issue I can't deal with this as well. Except I also want him to hold my hand and tell me it will all be ok :( I gues the perspective I was looking for is if his actions are understandable, if I'm being reasonable to expect more of him.

Sorry if I missed anyone, I'm tring to remember names as I can't scroll down. Thanks for replying everyone, you're stopping me from going mad lying here.

Hi mama, u sound like ur goin thru the most horrible situation, coping with your health problems, worrying about your baby boy, your children and bein stuck in hospital, so the last thing u need is shit off dp! He's sounds very selfish but in all honesty, sounds scared shitless of anything bad happening to you cos he loves u. At the moment, guess he's blaming the baby for putting u in this position so doesn't want to or can't love it like we do as mums. He sounds angry. Once your baby is here, is your health expected to improve? I think it mite take until then for him to come round unless ur able to have a proper heart to heart with him but tht's prob hard on hospital ward! Just tryin to c things from all perspectives but if it was me, I'd b fuming mad at him!

All this stuff on viruses, genes and eggs is fascinating!!

Starting to feel proper kicks and wriggles now love it!!

16+3

Oh Mama, you really are having a rough time. I'm sending you virtual hugs and strength from down under.
I think it is a lot harder for men to understand the feelings that engulf us when a baby is growing inside us, it sounds like he is scared and is doing the ostrich thing of sticking his head in the sand, having his fingers in his ears and going lalala.
You need to concentrate on you and your DS right now, yes he may realise the mistake he has made in time and then you can talk about where to go from this, if you can forgive him, if you want to, but right now you and bump need to come first, you need to not be spending your precious energy on worrying about your DP (I know, much easier said than done). If you are finding this impossible to do, could you write him a letter explaining how you do need some hand holding and your feelings about your son?

I'm also feeling some movement, which I love. Our scan is on my DHs birthday, which we think is lovely, especially as we are going to find out what we are having.
18+3

teapig hope you're enjoying California. Heat and pg are definitely not a good combination, I just try and stay inside as much as possible on very hot days. We've put DS's paddling pool up so soon I'll spend my days wallowing in that for a cool down I think

mama sounds like you're having a really tough time with your dp. I do think its very hard for men to really bond with a baby before it actually arrives, so perhaps he's angry about the risks this pg is going to pose to your health long term. I also wonder of he's disengaging a bit as a sort of protective mechanism, in case something bad does happen, so that if he can convince himself he never wanted the baby then he won't be too upset, iykwim. I think that all you can do at the moment is concentrate on yourself and see how he behaves once your DS is here. You can decide what you want to do about your relationship long term at that point rather tha worrying about it now.

I've got my 20wk scan on Friday. I'll only be 18+6, but they like to do them at 19 weeks here and as we're flying back to the UK the following day,it was a case of have it a bit early, or wait till we get back when I'll be 22 wks.

I finally got around to seeing the physio about my SPD and extremely painful left bum cheek. Turns out the combination of SPD and always carrying DS on my left side had caused my pelvis to sort of twist around and put pressure on the muscles and nerves in my left hip and leg. She spent a good 45 mins pushing everything back into alignment (ouch!) and yesterday it was all so tender I could hardly walk. I'm like a new woman today though.....I'm completely pain free for the first time in about 8wks

Oh, I need to ask all you uk ladies where I can get some cheap maternity tops. We arrive on Sunday for our visit, and my maternity wardrobe at the moment consists of maxi dresses, skirts, jeans and t shirts. I'm not even sure my winter coat still does up so I'm going to freeze unless I go out and buy something pretty soon after we arrive. It's only going to see three weeks wear, so I don't need much. I'm thinking a couple of cardigans that I can just wear over the t shirts I've already got....could even be non-maternity I reckon

Mama his actions are inexcusable. Do you really need to ask if you're being reasonable to expect your partner to support you through such difficult times? Try and put him out of your mind. You're baby deserves all of your thoughts and positivity, your partner deserves nothing. As the others said, deal with him later when you've got through this.

Morning all, hope everyone's well.
Thanks for the advice, I called 'd'p this morning and told him very calmly to not contact me until he is prepared to grow up and talk, I won't be asking for him anymore its entirely up to him. He seemed relieved. I gave thought to everything you all said and decided I don't care how scared he is I'm scared I don't abandon my children though. He can do what he likes to me but when he hurts them, that's a different matter!
Is everyone less feeling a lot of movement now (19+1) ? The wriggling is reassuring I'm finding it a bit easier now I can feel baby is ok if that makes sense even when I'm losing a lot of blood. My ds keeps kissing my bump (he's 4) and asking after 'name' it's so sweet, he and dd have decided finally on the name now! I have explained to ds that his brother will be very sick and in hospital like he was for a while think he understands the nurses kept a photo diary for me of his time in scbu.

bunnygirl h&m is good for cheap maternity things, they also have masses of oversized cardigans in as well.

Agree all this egg etc stuff is fascinating. I am a archaeologist and find it amazing that our pregnancies will literally be written into our bones. You can find a skeleton years old and know whether or not she gave birth

Flamingnora - I know your right :) I just hoped against hope I might be over reacting iykwim? I don't Intend to excuse him, but as you all say I have more important things to worry about right now.

Mama You are without doubt a strong independent woman who has dealt with more shit than anyone should have to. As someone with personal experience of SGOs and what it takes to get one I know how much you would have had to fight and how many hoops and obstacles you would have had to negotiate. Well done for getting through that

Your children are very lucky to have you. Never forget this.

As far as your DP is concerned I am sorry but I cannot be as restrained as other posters have been...He is a wanker of the highest order.

I would be furious, in fact beyond furious. So he didn't get his own way, you ignored his emotional blackmail and pushed on doing the best you could for your family. He on the other hand has decided that because he didn't get his own way he is going to turn his back on everyone! How the hell can a grown man who is supposed to love you and the DCs just abandon you all.

OK so he can't bond with his unborn child yet I get that, but his love for you and the DCs has that just vanished? Is he trying to punish you and punish the DCs because he didn't get his own way!?

PATHETIC!

Well done on taking the action you have it is the only way forward. Now he needs to either man up and support you the woman and the children or he can just fuck off.

You are amazing and you will get through this, let us know if there is anything we can do.

16+5

*that should you you the woman he loves, not just you the woman

Oh Jacqueline thank you, you made me cry but in a good way. I consider myself to be the lucky one :)
Yes the sgo was a nightmare, it took forever but totally worth it. My age was the biggest issue as if she was mine by birth I would have been 15 when I had her, but she was my goddaughter and I have always been in her life. i had to fight like hell to keep her out of care. I'm sorry if you had a similarly difficult experience. All thankfully in the past for us now.
I hope you are well :)

Weird all the talk of 20 wk scans and I just got an automated call from the antenatal clinic asking me to confirm my appt for Tues 14th Nov. Err isn't Tues the 13th people?

Sent you a pm mama hang in there, stay strong!

somewhere feeling lots better this week thanks for asking. Still phlegmy but on the mend. Had a lovely day with DS yesterday he was in such a lovely happy mood a real joy to be around!

Glad you managed to get that off your chest kellestar ridiculous is the only word I can think of! Not you obviously but your mum and sis. Some people don't seem to have a brain to gob filter do they!

Hiya ladies!

kellestar I hope you feel better for getting that off your chest! Your family sound pretty self-absorbed! Yanbu! DH's Mum is like that - he had only just restarted a relationship with her after 5 years radio silence because it was just too hard work. I wonder if some distance from then will help?

mama I think you're incredible! I think you've made the right choice about your P. He either needs to man up and support you and baby or he needs to keep his distance. I hope for everyone's sake it's the former but right now you need to concentrate on keeping yourself and the baby rather than trying to look after him!

Well I had the 16 week midwife appointment today and she found the heart beat! Totally amazing :)

16+0!

Hello ladies! Anyone else having 20 week scan this week (sorry, have not had a chance to read back on the zillions of posts in the last week!)?

I have mine on Thursday and fetal cardiac scan on Friday. Hoping all well. Was at hospital today and heard heartbeat and ultra wriggly wriggler as usual!

Cannot decide whether to find out what we're having but suspecting we won't...

oops: 18+6

Hello. Has anyone else had their MS return? Mine stopped at around 12 weeks but this week (week 18/19) I've been sick three times. It's always if I go too long without eating but it's impossible to eat when I'm teaching and I had a club after school so I ended up going about five hours without food.

TMI but I was in the middle of some gorgeous creamy pasta that I'd lovingly made when it all came back in the bowl without warning. I made DH and DD leave the room so it didn't put them off!

sneezy that sounds horrific.

Sorry to tell you I didn't have any MS at all (I know, I know, I'm THAT woman!) so feel really sorry for you that it's coming back to haunt you. If you don't have time to actually eat, perhaps at least stay hydrated, maybe with one of those sports drinks which replace fluid as well as salts, sugars etc?

Mine still comes and goes sneezy and seems to be worse at night. Haven't thrown up into a bowl of dinner but I have thrown up in the sink because the loo was just another step too far!

Hi can I join this thread.... Was a bit apprehensive about joining as I miscarried last time, but am over 15 weeks now so need to share!!! Edd is 27th April. Had no morning sickness...... Until yesterday! Minging! Have had lots of nausea and that horrid feeling sick and hungry at the same time feeling, but never actually thrown up before. Tiredness is still a massive problem, combined with some work related insomnia...... Makes me a very grumpy person at the moment . Hope you are all well....