DS1 has chosen to lie down next to me, bum nearest to my face and he is farting away. I may pass out. Thats the last time I give him a banana.
Oh good and now DS2 is grunting away.
I used to have nice hands, but since having children I have to wash them every 5-10 minutes and they now resemble an old womans. Well I'm heading that way anyway - it dawned on me the other day that I carry tissues and boiled sweets in my bag. All I need now is a couple of cats, but DH is still pretending to be allergic to them.
tedmundo whilst not quite the same, DS1 is obsessed with pedicures. Everytime I get one he comments on how pretty my toes look and likes to touch them whilst saying the name of the colour out loud (I get my nails painted different colours, at the moment I've still got red, white and blue from the jubilee). He's got me to promise him that next time I go, I take him and he has his nails done too. DH is not impressed.
zoeymlucas your MIL wins, though mine is not that far behind. They both seemed okay when I married into the family, but the minute DS1 was conceived, they became controlling and manipulative. There was one time I went around with DH and I was waiting on some blood results or something, they made me phone the GP/hospital in front of them and get the results. They asked for the due date and we stupidly told them, they then complained how it was at the same time as a holiday they had scheduled and promptly cancelled the holiday because they wanted to see the baby and we would need them. In the week before I gave birth, they would call at all times of the day asking if I was in labour yet. When I finally gave birth, they found out where I was in hospital and walked into the room and demanded to hold DS1, this was about and hour at most after he was born and because of the epidural etc he was born sleeping and so I hadn't really held him myself. I partially blame them for not being able to bond with DS1 and feeling very low after he was born. They came around to the house uninvited for the first few weeks and insisted on cooking and cleaning, but instead what happened was they sat there with the baby. They had a go at me for attempting to have a home birth and the MIL was outraged when I was still breastfeeding DS1 at 3 months old as she felt I should be feeding him proper food. On one occasion they came round to see us, but we were out so they searched the local area after questioning our neighbours and found us. They MIL jumped out the car with a blanket and screamed at me for taking DS1 out without one. It was a dry, mild day and the pram was fleece lined, also DS1 was in a sleepsuit and a cardigan. When DS2 was born we told them we wanted some time alone to bond and we would contact them when we were ready, they gave us 1 day and then came around saying it was unfair to keep us away from their grandchild. In front of both DS1 and DS2 the MIL leaned forward and quietly said "have you seen a doctor" and always goes on about how I need help and how I can't cope. The FIL has accused me of treating him like a peadophile and started crying, yelled he knows I wish he was dead and then stormed out the house. They have said that if they feel they need to, they will report us to Social Services and take us to court to get contact with DS1 and DS2. There's been loads more, but I just can't get it all out right now. Suffice to say, it hasn't helped DH or mine relationship. Also, we gave FIL a book to fill in, basically full of questions that the son may have always wanted to ask and then the FIL is supposed to hand it back with the answers and then when he is dead, DH has a book full of memories, photos and musings of his father. Anyway, FIL thought it was a great idea (mine), filled it in and handed it back, but I didn't know he had until I found it in DH room. DH doesn't want me to look at it because he say's he hasn't yet. I looked in it when DH was away with work and at the back the FIL has a right go at me for stopping him seeing his grandchildren, alludes to me not being well mentally and supports DH in divorcing me as he doesn't think it's right for DH to spend the rest of his life in an unhappy marriage. So now when he dies, that's all going to be going through DH head. Also the book was meant to be passed down to our children. At some point I'm going to have to thow out that book. Oh I forgot, when pregnant with DS2 I had a pulmonary embolism and ended up in hospital, I told DH I did not want to see them, but he told them where I was and they came anyway. MIL also rang up the hospital pretending to be my mum trying to get details.
Breath, breath 
em2010 Eleanor is one of my girls names!
1 Emily
2 Isabel
3 Verity
4 Eleanor
5 Felicity
Before DS1 my top 4 names for boys were:
1 James
2 Miles
3 Thomas
4 William
now I finally have a 5th name I love - Lucas
Not looking forward to the in-laws finding out about this pregnancy or the comments the MIL will throw at me zoeymlucas I really feel for you.