Page 6 | DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

TTCjustmarriedmama · 2021-08-31T06:51:26+00:00

Hey guys, looking for advice. My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I. We are both 25 and he is 28 and his partner 25. They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t. We have just found found out we are expecting our rainbow and are delighted. We aren’t sure when we’re going to tell our parents (1st grandchild on DH side) thinking after our early 6 week scan. At dinner the other night with DH, his parents and BIL and partner his BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask (we already knew ) and went to move on but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding, Defos felt like a jibe and I will be 38weeks at the wedding, I’m also a bridesmaid but have no issue stepping down or buying new dress myself, but she meant any guest being heavily pregnant though, we never said anything just sat awkwardly, she then fell out with us as we have a wedding the day after theirs in March. I’m now para to tell them at any point as I know they’ll be so angry regardless. Any ideas on how to approach this without another fall out? They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

Chikapu · 31/08/2021 10:15

I was just looking for advice as I’m worried about telling them already and it’s taking away from the early excitement

Why are you allowing this awful pair so much control over you? Don't let them take away your excitement, have as little to do with them as possible and enjoy your baby news.
Honestly, they can only get away with this shit because you and your husband let them.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/08/2021 10:19

Congratulations. I’d wait till after the 12 week scan. Tell parents first then tell BIL & SIL very factually. It’s on them how they behave and on you how you behave. If they blow up, so be it but rise above and be happy with your pregnancy

ShingleBeach · 31/08/2021 10:20

I said ‘thanks, so excited for your big day now’ which was actually genuine and she replied ‘well I was too till I seen how good you looked

Are you sure you don’t just have different senses of humour? That is a compliment after all. And you only know about the thing that they said you ‘beat them’ getting married from a third party. Stirring? How serious? Could have been said jokily?

dapsnotplimsolls · 31/08/2021 10:25

Can you trust DH's parents to keep it quiet if you tell them first?

SausageRollFan · 31/08/2021 10:25

Oh op, you need to nip this shit in the bud or you'll be doing it forever. Don't run decisions past them, you're not a child and they're not your parents. Laugh at stupid statements like it's rude to be heavily pregnant at a wedding and stop making excuses for stuff. It's not easy, but if you don't, you'll regret not tackling it sooner.

I had a 'friend' like this. She ended up a laughing stock when she tried to 'one up' me once and it also cost her a lot of money. Sill girl.

Drinkingallthewine · 31/08/2021 10:26

Oh for fucks sake.
A heavily pregnant woman at a wedding does not steal any limelight. I was 39 weeks at my sister's wedding. My entire family all went on a health kick and slimmed down and toned up, looking gorgeous on the day and there's me with my fat football face, sausage fingers, cankles and massive belly in the middle of them. My sister, the bride clearly stands out as being gorgeously radiant in those pictures Just as she was the centre of attention on the day, as the bride.

Granted, I got a lot of "oh, when are you due?" questions and lots of jokes about not going into labour in the church /dance floor but that was all. Mostly I was sitting with my feet up in the corner watching everyone dancing and enjoying a drink and OH not even able to have a pint in case we needed to dash to the hospital at any point during the weekend.

I stepped down as a bridesmaid - though I would have managed on the day, just about but I would have been exhausted for days. DM insisted I did and to be honest, she was quite right. Sister was absolutely fine with me stepping down, just as she was over the moon for me finally getting pregnant and just laughed her head off when I told her my due date was 7 days after her wedding. The only thing that pissed her off was that she would be on honeymoon when I had my baby.

My family has it's issues, but FFS, anyone saying NOBODY can get pregnant /be pregnant at what is essentially a family party is a nutjob. That is literally trying to control someone's birth choices.

So stop being fretful about the news. Do NOT be apologetic. Be proud of your pregnancy. Shout it from the rooftops if you want. If they step you down from bridesmaid or even as a guest, that is shitty but says more about them than you - and this baby is far more important than being a guest at their wedding.

The only caveat I would add is that you should ideally only announce early to people you know would be supportive and kind to you if the worst happened. These two creatures don't sound like they would and could easily say something awfully cruel to you if something went wrong - so for that reason alone, I would be waiting until as much into the second trimester as I could. DM is a blab so I only told Bride-sister when I was 7 weeks, as she knew I was attending the fertility clinic, but everyone else we only told at 17weeks when I could no longer hide a bump.

I vote for not telling them at all, and let them figure it out themselves. Why share lovely news like that with two people who are guaranteed to say something nasty to you?

Palavah · 31/08/2021 10:28

@AlternativePerspective

I wonder if the OP has misunderstood the meaning of the term rainbow baby. I can’t imagine anyone who had suffered a loss would be rushing to announce a pregnancy at 6 weeks, given they will know how volatile pregnancy can be.

But it all sounds a bit petty and immature, on both sides.

Do you normally lack imagination?

I can imagine that a couple who have already experienced pregnancy loss may want to tell some close friends /family early precisely because of their experience, to allow their support network to support them. You may feel differently which is also fine.

Kithic · 31/08/2021 10:29

oh ffs - if you are old enough to be married and pregnant, you are old enough to deal with her.

Simply treat her like the toddler she's acting like. Ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good. If she says anything negative, give her the side eye and walk away

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2021 10:32

I can’t believe you consulted with them before booking your wedding … in a completely different year from theirs?! You need to just stop and think I will not justify or excuse my actions, I will not placate or in any way seek to calm their actions. Tell them after 12 weeks, just matter of fact. No apologies, but it would be a great excuse to immediately step down from the bridal party as ‘I won’t be able to make organising things for you my priority’. Being in her bridal party sounds awful full stop, being in it when you will be 38 weeks pregnant at the wedding sounds like a terrible nightmare.

RantyAunty · 31/08/2021 10:35

There wouldn't be a competition if you and your DH didn't participate.
I take it BIL is your DH's brother?

I don't understand why you're even socialising with them?
Take a huge step back from it all and stop participating in it. Grey rock them. Ignore the gossip.

Bonheurdupasse · 31/08/2021 10:36

@SausageRollFan please tell the story!

Marmelace · 31/08/2021 10:41

To be honest I wouldn't allow these idiots around my child unless they grew up.

ButterflyBitch · 31/08/2021 10:53

@Beefcurtains79

You both sound a bit weird, who is this competitive in real life? Who tells people they are pregnant at 6 weeks?

Can’t answer the competitive bit but I told my mum at about 6 weeks both times and work the first time as I was throwing up so violently that there’s no way I could hide it. I was in hospital at 7 weeks the second time on a drip so waited until then the second time. There are lots of reasons why people may announce it ‘early.’ If it’s a rainbow baby I expect op and her dh are excited and pleased and just can’t wait. And why not? There’s no law that says you have to wait until 12 weeks 🤷🏻‍♀️

DelphiniumBlue · 31/08/2021 10:56

As BiL is DH's brother, the only appropriate way to make a pregnancy announcement is by DH doing it face-to-face with his brother. To do it by text in a group chat seems really cold, this is a personal thing and DH will presumably want to show enough respect to his brother and their relationship by talking to him in person.
He can then raise the wedding issue with his brother, who will be very likely not to even consider it a problem. He can then square it with his fiancee, who can have. her own reaction in privacy, and will hopefully be able to be civil by the time she talks to you. Job done.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/08/2021 10:59

@Drinkingallthewine

Oh for fucks sake. A heavily pregnant woman at a wedding does not steal any limelight. I was 39 weeks at my sister's wedding. My entire family all went on a health kick and slimmed down and toned up, looking gorgeous on the day and there's me with my fat football face, sausage fingers, cankles and massive belly in the middle of them. My sister, the bride clearly stands out as being gorgeously radiant in those pictures Just as she was the centre of attention on the day, as the bride.

Granted, I got a lot of "oh, when are you due?" questions and lots of jokes about not going into labour in the church /dance floor but that was all. Mostly I was sitting with my feet up in the corner watching everyone dancing and enjoying a drink and OH not even able to have a pint in case we needed to dash to the hospital at any point during the weekend.

I stepped down as a bridesmaid - though I would have managed on the day, just about but I would have been exhausted for days. DM insisted I did and to be honest, she was quite right. Sister was absolutely fine with me stepping down, just as she was over the moon for me finally getting pregnant and just laughed her head off when I told her my due date was 7 days after her wedding. The only thing that pissed her off was that she would be on honeymoon when I had my baby.

My family has it's issues, but FFS, anyone saying NOBODY can get pregnant /be pregnant at what is essentially a family party is a nutjob. That is literally trying to control someone's birth choices.

So stop being fretful about the news. Do NOT be apologetic. Be proud of your pregnancy. Shout it from the rooftops if you want. If they step you down from bridesmaid or even as a guest, that is shitty but says more about them than you - and this baby is far more important than being a guest at their wedding.

The only caveat I would add is that you should ideally only announce early to people you know would be supportive and kind to you if the worst happened. These two creatures don't sound like they would and could easily say something awfully cruel to you if something went wrong - so for that reason alone, I would be waiting until as much into the second trimester as I could. DM is a blab so I only told Bride-sister when I was 7 weeks, as she knew I was attending the fertility clinic, but everyone else we only told at 17weeks when I could no longer hide a bump.

I vote for not telling them at all, and let them figure it out themselves. Why share lovely news like that with two people who are guaranteed to say something nasty to you?

What a lovely post!

RevolvingPivot · 31/08/2021 11:54

@MiddleParking

That's strange I still can't see it.

DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

lljkk · 31/08/2021 17:32

BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask

why did you reply unpleasantly? A simple "We would love to have kids whenever they happen" rather than call him rude would have been so much wiser.

if they are sure to be unreasonable no matter what, always be able to tell yourself that you did your best to be pleasant, positive, cheerful and did not engage in one-up games. I know you're young, TTC at 21, but old enough now to learn to 'rise above'.

Your poor MIL & FIL having to police such nonsense.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 31/08/2021 19:02

OP I actually think you enjoy the prospect of them being bothered that you are pregnant l and feeling jealous or winning, whatever it is.

Anordinarymum · 31/08/2021 19:05

OP I think you are an attention seeker

Plumtree391 · 31/08/2021 19:06

She didn't mean it, it was just a remark off the top of her head. She'll feel silly when you do tell her in a few weeks.

Congratulations btw.

PugMumm · 06/09/2021 20:34

Following this as I am in the exact same situation

bigbaggyeyes · 06/09/2021 21:23

Just tell her at 12 weeks as you would normally have done.

Lullaby88 · 02/10/2021 08:00

Lol @MrsBertBibby