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Original poster

DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

148 replies

TTCjustmarriedmama · 31/08/2021 07:51

Hey guys, looking for advice. My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I. We are both 25 and he is 28 and his partner 25. They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t.
We have just found found out we are expecting our rainbow and are delighted. We aren’t sure when we’re going to tell our parents (1st grandchild on DH side) thinking after our early 6 week scan. At dinner the other night with DH, his parents and BIL and partner his BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask (we already knew ) and went to move on but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding, Defos felt like a jibe and I will be 38weeks at the wedding, I’m also a bridesmaid but have no issue stepping down or buying new dress myself, but she meant any guest being heavily pregnant though, we never said anything just sat awkwardly, she then fell out with us as we have a wedding the day after theirs in March. I’m now para to tell them at any point as I know they’ll be so angry regardless. Any ideas on how to approach this without another fall out? They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

OP posts:
PallasStrand · 31/08/2021 09:29

@Starcar

This all sounds incredibly strange. I think you’re used to this and have started to think it’s normal (and I wonder if maybe you have even enjoy elements of this “competition” if you get to feel like you’re “winning” - beware that if it does). I think it would be important to take a step a back and remind yourself of the normal way adults behave and what is and isn’t acceptable to think/say. Shut down any element of this when it comes up. I would have to counter the idea that rude to be pregnant at their wedding, people are living their lives on their schedules, their wedding is (hopefully) a lovely day for people to attend but it’s just that, one day and it’s just not that significant to other people, certainly not enough to put of ttc etc. I cannot imagine someone saying that at a family dinner and everyone not laughing or telling them to shut up. Never mind that they will never get over someone getting married before them.
This. What’s worrying is how apparently normal you seem to find all this juvenile nonsense. I can’t imagine any adult coming out with any of this stuff and not being greeted by gales of disbelieving laughter not people ‘sitting awkwardly’, as if they’ve misbehaved.
LittleCatDog · 31/08/2021 09:29

@LittleMysSister

Is there any way they have already guessed that you're pregnant? Seems a bit weird for them to bring that up randomly and also reference the 'rudeness' of being heavily pregnant at their wedding.
I was thinking this. It's clearly just a comment aimed at you and not other guests. She's already got it in her head you'll be trying for a baby and is trying to warn you off getting pregnant before her wedding as she's worried it will take the limelight from her. As others have said just wait a while to tell people, 6 weeks is very early and it's nice to have something just you and DH share for a while. Telling them so early makes you look like you're joining in the competition too.
Original poster
TTCjustmarriedmama · 31/08/2021 09:30

We didn’t get married to beat them, it’s just something they’ve always said. We got engaged a year after them, they wanted a 4 year plus engagement and we wanted to be married within two. They picked their date for March 2022 before we were even engaged, and we picked our 2 year engagement and booked for July 2021, baring in mind they were engaged 2018 and us 2019. Our venue had the availability whereas theirs had a long wait for a Saturday, we asked them if it was ok since they had their date booked and they said it was, but we since heard from family they were saying we done it to beat them.

OP posts:
chesterelly · 31/08/2021 09:30

I take it from the term "rainbow" that you've had a prior miscarriage. If they all know this I think your sil has already assumed you'll want to keep trying and that's why she's making the big deal about not having pregnant guests etc - she's worried about anything taking the shine off her on her big day. If I was you I'd try and avoid them for the next 6 weeks until you've had your 12 week scan. You don't need any further drama or digs. Tell your parents and DP parents first. Then a straightforward text "just to let you know we are expecting a baby. I'm due on xxx. As this is so close to your big day I regret I will be stepping down as bridesmaid and won't be attending" Don't give her the chance to sack you. Do it by text so you don't have to witness any histrionics. Leave it up to your DP if he still wants to go, it his DB's wedding as well as her's, although she sounds like the type of bride that forgets that.

Jemand · 31/08/2021 09:31

Why on earth is it rude to be pregnant? Is she worried you'll attract attention away from her or something?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 31/08/2021 09:31

@Eralos no one is saying it’s a dirty secret Confused

For me, it was something I wanted to privately deal with with my husband, although I did tell a couple of close friends a few weeks after. not everyone is close enough to their families to need or want their support with things like that. It wouldn’t have been helpful to me at all.

QueenHofScotland · 31/08/2021 09:31

And Ive been at a wedding heavily pregnant and no one cares beyond the usual questions of asking when baby was due etc. I certainly didn’t steal the limelight, and I wasn’t fussed over more than the bride 😂

Ive been at other weddings where people were around their due date and similar - no big fuss was made beyond people asking the usual questions about due dates / names etc. Just general chit chat.

PaddleBlue · 31/08/2021 09:32

They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t.

I presume OP meant that the BIL and fiancé have accused OP of purposefully booking wedding a year before to beat them, not that that’s what they actually deliberately did.

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 09:32

These can’t be real people? In the actual world? Confused

Marmite27 · 31/08/2021 09:34

Rude? What planet is she on?

I was due at a wedding at 38 weeks, but DC1 came early, and I gave birth the day before and was still in hospital.

I phoned the groom I was closest too after we’d told all our family and apologised profusely. They were fine as they knew it was a risk. We had a couple of hours to ourselves then announced the birth on Facebook 24h before the wedding so we didn’t overshadow their celebration.

Peabodi · 31/08/2021 09:34

Just LOL
How jealous and bitter do they both sound
Don't tell them
Let her find out from your bump and try to avoid her until their wedding 😆

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 09:35

They sound crazy. Ignore and distance yourself in future Surprised you’re her bridesmaid.

QueenHofScotland · 31/08/2021 09:39

@MrsRobbieHart

These can’t be real people? In the actual world? Confused
I know, right?!
QueenHofScotland · 31/08/2021 09:40

@TTCjustmarriedmama

We didn’t get married to beat them, it’s just something they’ve always said. We got engaged a year after them, they wanted a 4 year plus engagement and we wanted to be married within two. They picked their date for March 2022 before we were even engaged, and we picked our 2 year engagement and booked for July 2021, baring in mind they were engaged 2018 and us 2019. Our venue had the availability whereas theirs had a long wait for a Saturday, we asked them if it was ok since they had their date booked and they said it was, but we since heard from family they were saying we done it to beat them.
Why did you ask them if it was ok?
Original poster
TTCjustmarriedmama · 31/08/2021 09:40

Yes I know a rainbow baby is a baby after loss. We lost our first August 2017 so when I found out I was pregnant in August 2021 it felt even more of a blessing. Yes, at the time DH and BIL were really close so they were one of the first to know about our loss. We would only be telling both sets of parents at the 6 week scan and telling siblings etc later, I was just looking for advice as I’m worried about telling them already and it’s taking away from the early excitement

OP posts:
CustomerRelations · 31/08/2021 09:41

@Eralos

Why are people recommending to wait until after 12w? (I’ve had a very late miscarriage way after 12w) you need support if the worst happens, miscarriage isn’t a dirty secret that woman have to go through in scilence.

Congratulations op @TTCjustmarriedmama if you want to tell at 6weeks do it. If you want to wait, that’s fine too. Ignore the stress and drama of in laws, they sound nuts.

Miscarriage is far more likely before 12w. So you should only tell people you would also tell if you had a miscarriage. Not a dirty secret but maybe also not something you want everyone in the world to know.

Plus 12w scans also sometimes pick up anomalies that might mean the pregnancy is non-viable or will cause the woman to choose a termination. That's not something you want all an sundry to know about either.

LadyDanburysCane · 31/08/2021 09:41

[quote SmidgenofaPigeon]@AlternativePerspective I’m wondering the same, whether the OP possibly thinks ‘rainbow baby’ means a baby you’ve tried a long time for rather than the one after a loss.[/quote]
I told my close friends about my “rainbow” (although I didn’t use that term as the first time I heard it was many years later) ASAP so that I could have some support if it went wrong again…. and it did so they were very much needed. Nothing wrong with letting people know before 12 weeks. My best friend was there when I did the test for one of the ones I lost.

honehmooh · 31/08/2021 09:43

Then you might want to make a thread on how to avoid her and deal with her behaviour when you have to

Original poster
TTCjustmarriedmama · 31/08/2021 09:45

We asked them as I wanted to make sure it didn’t cause more drama, it was more of a ‘we have a date it’s 2021 just checking everything is alright with that date before we pay our deposit’. There’s always something with them so we try to do what we can to keep the peace for his parents, when she sent me pictures from the wedding and I said ‘thanks, so excited for your big day now’ which was actually genuine and she replied ‘well I was too till I seen how good you looked’

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 31/08/2021 09:47

I was heavily pregnant at my best friend's wedding, she was heavily pregnant at mine. We both still managed to have amazing days and it didn't detract from the day at all. So peculiar - I think pregnant women look fabulous, especially towards the end (although am not sure you necessarily feel it) and its a lovely memory for my friend and I (both our DDs went to each others weddings!!)

Sorry for your earlier loss and I hope you get that excitement back - it's a lovely time (once you're over any initial sickness!!)

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2021 09:47

When I read things like this and see how ridiculous some (priveleged) humans have become, how lacking in a sense of perspective, how far removed from the fundamentals of life.....I think how fucked we are as a species.

Jumpingintosummer · 31/08/2021 09:48

@TTCjustmarriedmama

We asked them as I wanted to make sure it didn’t cause more drama, it was more of a ‘we have a date it’s 2021 just checking everything is alright with that date before we pay our deposit’. There’s always something with them so we try to do what we can to keep the peace for his parents, when she sent me pictures from the wedding and I said ‘thanks, so excited for your big day now’ which was actually genuine and she replied ‘well I was too till I seen how good you looked’
A competition takes two participants… leave them to it!

Wishing you well with your pregnancy.

CaveMum · 31/08/2021 09:49

Sadly there are people like this in the real world. I know two brothers, the girlfriend of the younger brother got competitive about who was going to get married first even though theirs was the shorter relationship. They did get married a few months before the older brother and his girlfriend and then when she became pregnant liked to lord it over her SIL as having "provided the first grandchild".

The older brother and his wife had fertility issues and had their first child a few years later, at which point the wife of the younger brother got really arsey with the parents of both brothers saying they better not see the new baby more often than her son because "he was first".

Needless to say, almost 10 years down the line the younger brother and his wife and son are estranged from the rest of the family as she did not like the fact that her demands, as the "first married couple" and "first grandchild", did not take priority over everyone else's wishes.

As they say, nowt so queer as folk.

AlternativePerspective · 31/08/2021 09:50

Why are people recommending to wait until after 12w? (I’ve had a very late miscarriage way after 12w) you need support if the worst happens, miscarriage isn’t a dirty secret that woman have to go through in scilence. one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage before twelve weeks. After that the number reduces very significantly.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 31/08/2021 09:50

Ah so she’s also jealous of your beauty too is she Wink

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