DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

[TTCjustmarriedmama]

Hey guys, looking for advice. My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I. We are both 25 and he is 28 and his partner 25. They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t.
We have just found found out we are expecting our rainbow and are delighted. We aren’t sure when we’re going to tell our parents (1st grandchild on DH side) thinking after our early 6 week scan. At dinner the other night with DH, his parents and BIL and partner his BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask (we already knew ) and went to move on but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding, Defos felt like a jibe and I will be 38weeks at the wedding, I’m also a bridesmaid but have no issue stepping down or buying new dress myself, but she meant any guest being heavily pregnant though, we never said anything just sat awkwardly, she then fell out with us as we have a wedding the day after theirs in March. I’m now para to tell them at any point as I know they’ll be so angry regardless. Any ideas on how to approach this without another fall out? They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I know what a ‘rainbow baby’ is- technically I’m about to have okie although it’s not a term I’d ever use.

Having a scan at six weeks is still sadly little indication of a healthy pregnancy and they may not even be able to detect anything. It all just sounds a bit competitive to me.

What's an okie? I can only find a reference to hyper-realistic dolls

‘One’ not okie- a stupid auto correct

What’s wrong with her? The more pregnant women there are at your wedding, the lower the bar bill.

That aside, with a bit of luck you may go into labour at the wedding and totally steal the limelight.

They sound bat crap crazy

@SmidgenofaPigeon

‘One’ not okie- a stupid auto correct

That makes sense!

OP - why can't you say that you will both drop out of the wedding so that your pregnancy doesn't take any attention away from the B&G? You can then avoid all the wedding planning and the inevitable dramas that will flare up on a regular basis, leaving you both free to concentrate on your baby.

Is this you, Alyssia?

They're not competitive with you, you're all competitive. Why are you all like this? Why would you want to beat someone at getting married?

OP gave that as an example of the things crazy sil & bil say.

Dont tell her you are pregnant - at all. Rock up to the wedding with your wonderful baby bump, pat it lovingly and tell her it's a 'food baby' from a last meal.

Deny all knowledge of pregnancy right up until you give birth and then csay "I wonder where that came from? - Must have been the fertility chair I sat on a few months back".
Jokes aside, dont give her an opinion on your life and how you live it. Hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy and dont let anything spoil it.

Did you two really think that's OK to post?

@GarnetsandRubies @JoyOrbison

The OP didn’t get married a year earlier to beat them, that is the allegation the BIL and SIL make. It’s the way it’s written.

Is there any way they have already guessed that you're pregnant? Seems a bit weird for them to bring that up randomly and also reference the 'rudeness' of being heavily pregnant at their wedding.

I’ll be 39 weeks at my BILs wedding. We don’t have a close relationship with them and we therefore we didn’t need their support if would have lost the baby. Therefore we told them at 12 weeks. Tell people earlier if you want their support, this doesn’t sound like a supportive relationship though.

You can’t do anything about how other people react, so just don’t engage. If they do ask about it, keep it factual and unemotional. BIL’s fiancée was asking if we’d been trying when we last saw them as it “wasn’t in our plans when we spoke”, I don’t know if trying to work out if I’d don’t it on purpose or not (because it obviously works like that). I told her that we’d been trying for a while but had kept our plans to ourself (which was true). As it happens, I now have gestational diabetes and I might be induced earlier around 38/39 weeks so will likely miss the wedding. I have no date yet and I’m only going off what information was sent to me but I’m going to ask the consultant at my appointment in a few weeks and let them know if it looks likely. I’ll tell them the facts and let them decide if they want to take the risk for paying for our meals which might not get used. Other than that, I’m not getting drawn into it.

Do people really live like this?

Sometimes I'm really grateful to be an only child!

Just do you, OP. The only thing I'd be concerned about would be announcing a rainbow baby so early on but if it works for you, do it.

I wonder if the OP has misunderstood the meaning of the term rainbow baby. I can’t imagine anyone who had suffered a loss would be rushing to announce a pregnancy at 6 weeks, given they will know how volatile pregnancy can be.

^ having lost a baby I had to deliver in my second trimester I was quite surprised when I was told on here that rainbow baby has been commandeered to mean a baby during the pandemic

How do we know the op hasn't lost one previously? I'm not sure why someone would use the word rainbow baby if not??!

@WTF475878237NC

I wonder if the OP has misunderstood the meaning of the term rainbow baby. I can’t imagine anyone who had suffered a loss would be rushing to announce a pregnancy at 6 weeks, given they will know how volatile pregnancy can be.

^ having lost a baby I had to deliver in my second trimester I was quite surprised when I was told on here that rainbow baby has been commandeered to mean a baby during the pandemic

Really?

Sorry did your loss.

Congratulations to you and your DH. I think it would be bad form to be 38 weeks pregnant and a bridesmaid unless the bride was a close friend or family member who genuinely didn't mind sharing her limelight. But you are happy to step down and it looks likely that this is what she will want. I am amazed that she thinks she can expect none of her guests to be pregnant. Why should anyone's life except hers and her immediate family's life revolve around her wedding.

I think their craziness is affecting you - don't let it become normal in your family to structure events and news around the crazy duo's plans. Just because they totally lack perspective and think they are leading characters in everyone else's lives, they really aren't and need to be reminded from time to time.
Agree you should wait until 12 weeks at least, tell your own parents and old and enjoy feeling the joy. Tell bil and sil via text. DO NOT APOLOGISE for doing perfectly normal life events. If they kick off, tell them the fuck off. A baby is something to celebrate and no one has a right to our a downer on it. Certainly not over you being of at their wedding.

I’m 37 weeks me and can’t imagine being arsed with bridesmaid duties for an entire day.

what's the worst they could realistically react? Why are you so worried?

they've decided they don't want a pregnant woman at their wedding. Since that applies to everyone going it's clearly not a personal attack and I think you're making something out of nothing, and I can see why if she's prone to that behaviour.

I can guess why she might not want you there, heavily pregnant. One is what others have suggested, you could go into labour at any time. Second, it's their 'big day', and the focus is mainly meant to be on their marriage, and not on your pregnancy. Everyone should be celeberating their wedding, and you know everyone will be fussing at you.

You can do what you want, it's your life but these are the consequences of your actions

Ha! I was under strict instructions not to be a pregnant bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. 5 months later at my wedding, she was a 5 month pregnant bridesmaid... I held my tongue! Weddings do weird things to people.

They can't compete against themselves, so just don't play the game 🤷‍♀️ congratulations on your pregnancy.

Stop overthinking this. Your life, your body, your decision. Do not be swept along by someone like this. She is being incredibly unreasonable - they sound like toddlers fighting to get on a trampoline!

Who cares what they think - yes it would be nice for everyone to be over the moon and happy, but people like that are never over the moon and happy for other people.

Don’t apologise, don’t mention the timing…you haven’t planned your baby round their wedding! And don’t make excuses or mention it as being a surprise etc. It all just feeds into their drama.

Congrats btw OP.

We told very close family (and my BF’s) around 6/8 weeks both times. 12 weeks for everyone else.

Think in your case I would wait 12 weeks to tell your BIL and SIL - don’t let them stress you out.

Why are people recommending to wait until after 12w? (I’ve had a very late miscarriage way after 12w) you need support if the worst happens, miscarriage isn’t a dirty secret that woman have to go through in scilence.

Congratulations op @TTCjustmarriedmama if you want to tell at 6weeks do it. If you want to wait, that’s fine too. Ignore the stress and drama of in laws, they sound nuts.