DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

[TTCjustmarriedmama]

Hey guys, looking for advice. My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I. We are both 25 and he is 28 and his partner 25. They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t.
We have just found found out we are expecting our rainbow and are delighted. We aren’t sure when we’re going to tell our parents (1st grandchild on DH side) thinking after our early 6 week scan. At dinner the other night with DH, his parents and BIL and partner his BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask (we already knew ) and went to move on but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding, Defos felt like a jibe and I will be 38weeks at the wedding, I’m also a bridesmaid but have no issue stepping down or buying new dress myself, but she meant any guest being heavily pregnant though, we never said anything just sat awkwardly, she then fell out with us as we have a wedding the day after theirs in March. I’m now para to tell them at any point as I know they’ll be so angry regardless. Any ideas on how to approach this without another fall out? They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

Where does the rainbow bit come into it?

It does read though that you feel a bit superior to them because you’ve ‘won’ the first grandchild competition.

@happytoday73

At 12 weeks or further along... 'unfortunately your announcement that it would be rude for anyone to be pregnant at your wedding was a little late... I was already pregnant, due xxxx. We are so happy. See you soon love xxx'

But this implies that they'd have delayed the pregnancy if they'd known about her feelings before they conceived?

Seriously - acting as though these people have a valid point will just encourage them.

You don't need to wait til 12 weeks to tell, I'm sure with a rainbow baby you are wanting the support of loved ones to help you through. Tell who you want when your happy telling them.
Weigh it up, will you be more stressed worrying about their reaction or just coping with their reaction. Do they know about your previous pregnancy?
Be factual, apologetic about the bridesmaid situation, and happy about your baby.

I like to think that everyone saying your mad for telling hasn't understood the significance of you calling this a rainbow, although even then it is still very rude to pass comment on when you choose to announce your pregnancy

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Use it. You are expecting and no one is allowed to upset a pregnant woman.

Throw the drama back at her: Cry if you have to and say you can't believe she'd stress you when you're having a baby.

Rainbow babies usually reference babies born after miscarriage or a stillbirth.

Six weeks scans are also only usual after miscarriages, fertility treatment, other complications or early bleeds.

You will literally see a blob on the screen at 6 weeks - and that’s only if they don’t need to do a vaginal scan to detect the baby. It will give you zero indication of the health of your baby so I’d not be telling anyone until at least the 12 week scan (bar your parents and in-laws, don’t know a lot of people that could hold off telling their parents til 12 weeks).

As for the rest, not sure why you care whether they’re angry or not

Just ignore their reactions!

I’m surprised you are a bridesmaid when there is such obvious dislike on both sides.

Is this one of those families that fetishises family entailing you all, extended in-laws included, being involved in each other’s weddings, stags, hens, babies and nose-blowing celebrations with roles and sashes or else there is massive drama?

This all sounds incredibly childish and I can’t imagine these comments and discussions around a dinner table. I’d withdraw from engaging with BIL and SIL beyond general civility.

Share your news with family when you both feel it is right. For me it was at 12 weeks but it’s personal to each couple. If you tell your respective parents first, BIL will probably find out from your PIL and he and his fiancée can get over any daft reaction before you next meet. Assuming of course you refrain from any fanning of the flames of this ridiculous non-competition yourselves.

You both sound a bit weird, who is this competitive in real life? Who tells people they are pregnant at 6 weeks?

@MrsBertBibby

You should definitely arrange to go into labour during their vows.

With full-on waters breaking drama. And gasping. Lots of gasping. (I’ve never given birth so I’m just going by what you see on the telly!)

I know what a ‘rainbow baby’ is- technically I’m about to have okie although it’s not a term I’d ever use.

Having a scan at six weeks is still sadly little indication of a healthy pregnancy and they may not even be able to detect anything. It all just sounds a bit competitive to me.

*about to have one

Presumably you are using the term rainbow because you already lost a baby? Sorry for your loss. Do they know this? If so they are massively insensitive and should be ashamed of themselves.

Just ignore them and tell them at 12 weeks, and tell SIL you understand if she no longer wants you to be bridesmaid.

Congratulations on your news and good luck at your scan.

You’re buying on to the batshit and keeping it going with the way you’re reacting.

I wouldn’t tell anyone til 12 weeks and then I’d just be factual and say that you totally understand that they might not want you to be a bridesmaid.

Congratulations

@Boombadoom

12 weeks, a text with the scan pic, ‘we are thrilled to announce we are pregnant, due in April, so excited and we know you will be too! Gender guesses welcome, lots of love!’

Only the woman can be pregnant.

People can guess the sex, but the gender is something the individual decides upon (or not, if they don’t believe in gender ideology).

Unfortunately, you have no control over how they react and, from how you’ve described them, they’ll react badly however you tell them. But, you’re not responsible for that.

Personally, I’d sit down with DH and work out what we’ll say, how and when. Then execute the plan and step away.
If you think it’s worth talking through with your PiL so they’re prepared then I’d do that too but very close to the time to minimise the chances of interference.

but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding
Okaaaay crazy.
I’d just announce at 12 weeks (I personally wouldn’t rush into it at six weeks, but it is your choice at the end of the day), do it as though nothing had ever been mentioned about their wedding and let any negativity wash over me. No dramas.
Congratulations

You have just found out you are pregnant and obviously will be excited but with one previous loss I am sure you don't need to be told jow fragile early pregnancy is and what a journey you have ahead of you.
Wait until after the 12 week scan, then tell them how excited you are and if she still doesn't want anyone heavily pregnant at her wedding you will be unable to attend. I presume all the baby talk was actually because they have already guessed and were expecting you were a bit further along and were going to tell them there would actually be a young baby there.

Do not tell them the timing of your pregnancy isn't ideal! Don't play their ridiculous game.

Just tell them when you tell everyone else and maybe say to her you understand if that no longer fits in with her plans for you to be a bridesmaid as you will be 38w.

Simply don't get involved and in any drama.

If you want to tell your parents and in-laws early then do so. I’d not tell your bro/sis in law until 12 weeks as it doesn’t seem like they’d be there to support you should you need that.

If they aren’t excited for you then screw them TBH. It sounds like you’re in a very toxic relationship with them anyway.

First of all, I wouldn't be telling her this early. Tell your PiL & your parents first - get them onside with how exciting it is, especially if it's a rainbow baby.
Sounds like you know she'll cause drama, so ignore her & concentrate on your baby.

They are batshit. Stop engaging with it. Congrats on your pregnancy but as others have said dont tell anyone until 12 weeks. Tbh it sounds as if whatever you do will result in drama so do whatever works for you and leave them to it.

What do you mean you got married first to 'beat' them?? Beat them at what?

You all sound really immature to be honest. I can't imagine any friend or family member of mine giving a toss about someone being heavily pregnant on their wedding day, so what?

My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I.... We purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them

They're not competitive with you, you're all competitive. Why are you all like this? Why would you want to beat someone at getting married?

It must be draining for your poor parents in law.

Is this you, Alyssia?