DH brother and soon to be wife won’t be happy!

[TTCjustmarriedmama]

Hey guys, looking for advice. My BIL and his fiancée have always been competitive with my DH and I. We are both 25 and he is 28 and his partner 25. They’ve said things like they’ll never get over that we’ve been together longer and we purposely booked our wedding a year before them to beat them but they wanted a long engagement while we didn’t.
We have just found found out we are expecting our rainbow and are delighted. We aren’t sure when we’re going to tell our parents (1st grandchild on DH side) thinking after our early 6 week scan. At dinner the other night with DH, his parents and BIL and partner his BIL decided he was going to ask us when we were having children as his wedding is now 8 months away, we said it’s rude to ask (we already knew ) and went to move on but his fiancée said it would be really rude for anyone to be heavily pregnant at their wedding, Defos felt like a jibe and I will be 38weeks at the wedding, I’m also a bridesmaid but have no issue stepping down or buying new dress myself, but she meant any guest being heavily pregnant though, we never said anything just sat awkwardly, she then fell out with us as we have a wedding the day after theirs in March. I’m now para to tell them at any point as I know they’ll be so angry regardless. Any ideas on how to approach this without another fall out? They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

Four year “engagement” then they moan about people getting married before them? I couldn’t stand them.

Rude to be pregnant at a wedding?

As PP said she is totally deranged. Best to keep them at arm's length and avoid as much as possible.

I actually asked earlier why some posters are assuming the op hasn't lost a baby before.

My comments gone. Can anyone see it? I've noticed this happen a lot recently.

Tell them to grow the fuck up for goodness sake.

This sounds so childish. You all need to grow up.

@RevolvingPivot

I actually asked earlier why some posters are assuming the op hasn't lost a baby before.

My comments gone. Can anyone see it? I've noticed this happen a lot recently.

Yes, it’s still there. Posted at 9:23.

Offer to not attend.
Gets you out of the hassle and drama and she can't complain because you're doing it for her. 😁

Tell who you want when you want. But it’s wise if telling people so early that those are the people you would want to support from should it be needed, are they really those people?

This all sounds totally pathetic

I think you all need to get a grip

@Suzi888

How old are you all? I agree with a pp, life is not a competition. It all sounds very strange to be honest. I would also wait until you are 12 weeks before announcing the ‘rainbow’ (never heard it called that before).

A rainbow Baby is a Baby who is conceived after a loss

Our venue had the availability whereas theirs had a long wait for a Saturday, we asked them if it was ok since they had their date booked and they said it was, but we since heard from family they were saying we done it to beat them.

And this is your main problem OP - you have pandered to this ridiculous couple's sense of entitlement, & by doing so have made it real. The rest of the family seems to have bought into it too - relaying the stupid gossip about them feeling "beaten" to a wedding.

You should have spoken up when the Great Pregnancy Interrogation first started. Not to confirm your pregnancy - to shut down their intrusive batshittery. "I can't believe you think it's ok to quiz us about conception plans - that's private!"

You need a similar no-nonsense attitude when you do announce your pregnancy. Frankly, I'd choose to stand down as bridesmaid & avoid the wedding altogether - at 38 weeks you have far more important things to focus on, & being the object of some idiotic competitive bitchery won't be any fun.

I'd also cut this couple out of my life as far as possible, & refuse to respond to their idiocy in future when forced to bear their company. There's a lot of power in naming behaviours & refusing to play along with them - "SiL, you're doing that weird competitive bullshit again - I'm not going to engage with you on it." & walk the fuck away while she's still spouting on ... why would you sit there & take her nonsense?

To be honest, none of you sound mature enough to be getting married or having children.

*Miscarriage is far more likely before 12w. So you should only tell people you would also tell if you had a miscarriage. Not a dirty secret but maybe also not something you want everyone in the world to know.

Plus 12w scans also sometimes pick up anomalies that might mean the pregnancy is non-viable or will cause the woman to choose a termination. That's not something you want all an sundry to know about either.*

There's so should about any of it.

For me it's just that news travels fast and sometimes the fewer people who know, the fewer difficult convos you have to face. But, like I said, the op does wgag she feels best for her.

*no

Sounds like she's insecure in her relationship, and a competitive bridezilla already and won't be happy whatever you do or say. Do find a way to not care what she thinks, or shut down their comments, as she'll drive a wedge in the family between the brothers.

@CaveMum

Sadly there are people like this in the real world. I know two brothers, the girlfriend of the younger brother got competitive about who was going to get married first even though theirs was the shorter relationship. They did get married a few months before the older brother and his girlfriend and then when she became pregnant liked to lord it over her SIL as having "provided the first grandchild".

The older brother and his wife had fertility issues and had their first child a few years later, at which point the wife of the younger brother got really arsey with the parents of both brothers saying they better not see the new baby more often than her son because "he was first".

Needless to say, almost 10 years down the line the younger brother and his wife and son are estranged from the rest of the family as she did not like the fact that her demands, as the "first married couple" and "first grandchild", did not take priority over everyone else's wishes.

As they say, nowt so queer as folk.

I remember seeing a thread on here a few years ago where someone's mum and sister went nuts at her and her DH when they announced their pregnancy because apparently it was "selfish and unfair" of them to get pregnant before the older sister did as the older was having fertility treatment and was so far unsuccessful in her attempts to get pregnant.

A wedding is a time of love, my niece told her sister she was expecting at the sisters wedding, and the Bride was beyond excited, she even got her sister up to get everyone to toast the event.

They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

It sounds like you are already being defensive about your pregnancy, like you owe an explanation?? You don't. Whatsoever. This is what YOU need to get YOUR head around. If they have an issue, it's their problem and theirs alone. The hell would I worry about someone being angry at me for being pregnant at their wedding. See how wrong that sounds??

@Beefcurtains79

You both sound a bit weird, who is this competitive in real life? Who tells people they are pregnant at 6 weeks?

I did. I've had 5 losses so for me there isn't a 'safe time' to announce it. Plus it also means there's more support too

@TTCjustmarriedmama

We asked them as I wanted to make sure it didn’t cause more drama, it was more of a ‘we have a date it’s 2021 just checking everything is alright with that date before we pay our deposit’. There’s always something with them so we try to do what we can to keep the peace for his parents, when she sent me pictures from the wedding and I said ‘thanks, so excited for your big day now’ which was actually genuine and she replied ‘well I was too till I seen how good you looked’

That's your mistake. Don't pander to them at all; stop playing into their drama. Hold back. Never justify or explain.

And congratulations!

You should get a grip on that ridiculous competition, which I think you are probably fuelling, before the kids come.

They’ll think we done it intentionally when we only slept together once last month as I was really unwell, we didn’t think it would happen first try

How on earth will they know that? You’re hugely over sharing if they do.

I was 34 weeks pregnant at a friend's wedding and the groom's sister was also pregnant around 28 weeks. It was even mentioned in the father of the bride's speech that it was lovely to have families growing.

I didn't deliberately get pregnant to upstage anyone, it was when we planned our second child. As I had fertility issues it could have taken my 4 years.

Your BIL and SIL to be need to be told their behaviour is completely weird. My Mum set a date for her wedding and her sister was livid telling them they can't possibly get married before her and her fiance and my Dad told her where to shove her opinions. She actually changed her wedding date to "beat" my Mum to the altar. Utterly bizarre behaviour. My Mum was not involved in this make believe competition.

Sorry but sort of problem is this