the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Oh it's not that i don't want to, but i'm at that strange place where although i would love another, i sometimes wonder if the feeling i have of 'not being done yet' is really because it's Ciaran i want, and if i did have another, would i still feel like this?

But sending you lots over anyway x

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Sassy I was petrified we'd lose all our parent friends, especially those with kids same age as dd. It hasn't turned out that way with our close friends but certainly the aquaintance type friends dropped off a lot. Mostly it's down to regularity of contact I think. Not doing the school run cut us off from a large part of small town socialising! I thought for a while about turning up anyway but since I don't even like driving past at pickup time that turned out to be a no-go.

I think we've been lucky in that some of our very close buddies also have kids same(ish) age as dd2, so we have ongoing common ground with them. We have all worked hard at finding ways to continue to spend time together that aren't too difficult. It's been utterly worth it, not least because they are the very best people for talking to about dd - she comes up in conversation often and is very much still included. They recollect little things that I don't, which is lovely. And they seem to know when I'm thinking of her and share those moments of sadness.

Part of my motivation in hanging on tight to those friendships is that their children are dd's best mates, and we don't want to miss out on knowing them as they grow up - we love them, and they loved dd, so they're special to us. Regretfully, we are not in regular touch with others off dd's friends whose parents we didn't know so well - we tried for a bit but it seemed too contrived and didn't work out.

It's great that your mummy network are making an effort to include you, even though sometimes you can't take them up on things. My buddies have carried on inviting us to birthday parties, though we nearly always decline, as they are aware it would be worse not to be invited.

In a baby castle, just beyond your eye,
Your baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy.
Who are you to wish him back into this world of strife,
No, play on your baby, he'll have eternal life.
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes your eyes,
You'll hear his tiny footsteps come running to your side
His little hands caress you so tenderly and sweet,
You'll breathe a prayer and close your eyes and embrace him in your sleep.
Now you have a treasure that you rate above all others
You have known true glory,
You are still his mother.

Yes, my youngest is still just six months. I would like more, but financially at the moment, we really can't - manshapes pretty certain on that.

AWW that poem is beautiful..

I wish I had the words to make any of you feel any better I really do. I read all your posts and think I've done that, I've felt like that, I got angry about that etc etc..

I just dont have the time to post answers as often as I would like right now

I feel like a fraud saying this because there is soo much new and raw grief on here right now and I am soo much further down the road but I am struggling a bit at the mo as well

Ross is starting school in a few weeks and it feels sooo weird.. its like the end of an era because he is leaving nursery after nearly 5 years

I guess the emotion of him moving on and knowing Fraser wont is getting to me

Its supposed to get easeir is it not???

Good to see you FM - it does 'get easier' but 'IT' is never very far away, IMO, always kind of waiting to bite your arse bum really hard, when you least expect it xx

Hey ladies - I've been reading loads but struggling to find the words to post anything and school holidays have been busy busy too. FM - good to hear from you - I personally don't think it'll ever get easier it just gets different. The starting school thing is such a huge step - DS1`started last august in the midst of huge buckets of our grief... I remember last summer feeling really weird - a bit like the end of an era (if that doesn't sound too melodramatic?!)

Dee that must have been really tough - Gregor isn't a really common name either and I remember being in the local library a few months and a dad shouting 'Gregor' - I just had to leave amidst floods of tears.

Surprisingly I am enjoying the summer holidays this year, I feel like my grief is changing, it's not that i think about gregor any less or missing him any less i just feel like i'm now able to start enjoying things again. ds1 and i have had some lovely days together recently. I struggle to know what to say to those of you who are recently bereaved at the moment but i want you to know that i was in your position this time last year and all i know is that this summer feels different from last summer iykwim xx

Good Morning girls xx

Sending love and hugs to you all. Hope you find some peace. It is heartbreaking. xx

Morning folks x

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you're soooo not turning into a grumpy old woman - you're a grieving mother who is experiencing some of the worst stuff anyone will ever have to. In my experience it's totally normal to feel cross, irritated and generally pissed off with all sorts of people - grief does stuff to all of us that is so out of character of whatever the hell our 'normal' iwas. I remember being where you are now and the only advice I have (which i think was given to me by either TW or ILike ) is that sometimes it takes more energy than you have spare to try to work out whether it is normal or not - that is one thing my counsellor together with the lovely ladies here has helped me accept that WHATEVER I'm feeling is totally normal for me. I just want to give you a hug xx oh and you never have to apologise here for being grumpy

sassy the anger is normal...sometimes it will be reasonable and aimed at the right people, sometimes it will be unreasonable or aimed at the wrong person but people understand honestly they do.

My dh is the most meek mild mannered person I know and the anger he experienced was mad!

Sounds like you dad's brother and family really want to be there for you and just dont know how. The fact they have asked for a copy of the eulogy I think says a lot.. might be someone you can talk to catherine about in rl?? I am only guessing here sassy .. you know your family I dont..so if I am talking rubbish please ignore me
I just thought someone who wanted to read the eulogy is someone who clearly doesnt want to just move on and not mention Catherine ever again

(ahem) the thread is coming up on 1000

any takers???

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sassy I know what you mean about people being irritating and it seems insensitive of them. But sometimes I think that people cannot 'do right for doing wrong' if you know what I mean and we analyse everything that is said to us and maybe get it wrong. I have had 3 phone calls and 1 text this morning from workmates asking me to go to a meal tonight for a friend who is getting married next week. I think for Gods sake leave me alone I am sick and miserable but deep down I know they are only being kind.xx

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sassy Last year and 2008 Richard took me to see The Verve, Kasabian and Oasis at the Eden Project which is local to us. We had such a brilliant time, I love concerts but I don't think I will ever go again. It will have to be precious memories for now. My husband isn't interested anyway. I think some things should be left as memories for now instead of going back when it may be too painful.

I think your relatives should have at least have said thanks for the eulogy, they are supposed to be family not just aquaintances after all. My cousin who lives in Yorkshire is very religious (catholic) he sent me a card saying that he was praying for me and would phone me I haven't heard a word since. I think we really know who we can rely on. xx

Well, i am more then a bit stunned.

Manshape decided that we should move the bedroom furnature around as we need more room, and whilst we were doing so, a brown envelope addressed to me fell from a chest of drawers drawer onto the floor, i picked it up wondering what it was - you aren't going to believe this but it was only Ciarans hand and footprints that I HAD LOST OVER FIVE YEARS AGO !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am totally, totally stunned. I can't believe it nor explain it. I know they weren't there before - hell i've moved house four times since i lost them, and i don't know where they came from. I'm just so shocked - i mean, i was even in the process of trying to obtain another set from his notes, if possible.

First the boy with his name yesterday, and now this today. I beginning to wonder if i should believe in signs afterall...

Oh My Word Dee how wonderful.....Lew just found a tiny white feather in the living room and gave it to me!!!! I think thats 'our boys' sending you a thank you for gabbing with me on Facebook. Im so, so, so glad you found the envelope xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dee so pleased for you, nice to hear good news xx

.....and, Dee, I really, really believe in signs xx

Hi ladies, haven't managed to read the thread for the past week ( lake Garda seems to be wifi free!) so will read what's been going on shortly. Hope everyone is ok, we had a nice time although at times it was hard. The first night there was a cute little blond boy at the bar of our hotel, I just kept thinking that Malachy would have been like that in a couple if years and I just burst into tears. It was easier being away though and Dh organised a trip to Verona for our anniversary , stay in a 4* hotel and dinner at a Michelin star restaurant, which was lovely!

However, when we got home there was a letter from the hospital for our appointment with consultant ( I'm guessing the postmortem results). I couldn't believe they have scheduled the appointment for the 17th august malachy's due date. A tad insensitive I thought, shouldn't they check this, I can't even begin to imagine how I'll be on that day.
Anyway, I am shattered so will catch up and chat soon xx

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