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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

982 replies

crumpette · 15/06/2010 20:56

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

OP posts:
CazEM · 23/07/2010 12:18

Thank you Shab - up, showered, dressed, even a bit of make up on, all in 2 hours today.

I've got the Coldplay 'Fix You' Lyrics stuck in my head today. I guess it sums up how I feel at the moment. "Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace... I will try to fix you."

I know it can't be fixed but I'm so exhausted with my grief at the moment, and aching to have Anabelle back. I do believe you that time makes it less painful Shab - I guess I'm just feeling overtired and emotional today and just want a little bit of peace, just for a little while.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 23/07/2010 13:08

Thanks for being here ladies. I'm going to speak to dh tonight (we were like ships in the night yesterday). I think I just need to talk to him about it and get it off my chest. He's a great listener and always knows the right thing to say.

In my heart of hearts I don't regret getting married on C's birthday, I just don't understand why I feel like I do about it this year, but was ok the previous year.

Sassy - maybe give the sessions another go and then if it's still not for you cancel them?

I didn't have counselling when C died as I couldn't see what they could do or say to change how I was feeling. I had accepted what had happened and I knew it was ok to sleep and cry whenever I wanted too, so I knew they wouldn't be able to help me.

However I do think in years to come I will probably talk to a counsellor. I don't know why I feel that, because I haven't bottled anything up, but I do think that will be the case.

Grieving is exhausting Caz, sleep was the only way I could escape it. I hope your day is ok as it can be today.

SassySusan · 23/07/2010 13:09

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SassySusan · 23/07/2010 13:29

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lavandes · 23/07/2010 16:27

sassy and shabs The children seem to be doing fine as far as we 1 can tell. We don't see a lot of them but we have seen them since Richard died. As you may have read Richard had split from their mum but he had them to stay with him every weekend so he was still very much involved, he adored them. Their mum is being very friendly with us I think she realises that we can be a great help to her, we have a great relationship with the boys, speak to them on the phone every week. They are coming to stay with us in August for about 10 days, they are used to coming to stay on their own so that will be 'normal' for us all, they have their own room in our house and games and books etc. I think it is more important to spend time on them than showering them with gifts and they seem to enjoy that. The thought of them has been a great comfort to us and has given us the strength to carry on.

CazEM · 23/07/2010 16:54

Hi again,

We've bailed on that BBQ tonight, I just couldn't face it - keeping on a face. But we have been to see the friends who got engaged today before everyone else got there to congratulate them properly, give them their birthday presents and spend a little time with them. They were very understanding and appreciated that we couldn't face a excited group of people tonight. We'll see them again properly in a couple of week and I really will try and make myself go to whatever official engagement celebrations they decide on.

Its hard to determine how bad I'm feeling. (Not at all patronising Sassy - I understand what you're getting at)... Each day varies so massively to be honest. But I'll go through you're list...

-Sleep - variable, but for DH especially seems to be getting less and less sleep. My sleep is patchy, sleeping quite a lot, but all over the place. Not all in one go through the night. "Bedtime" seems to be between 1-2 am for me at the moment, and has been since the day we were told Belle had gone to sleep.

  • Meals - We're both eating probably one good meal a day, for example I'm currently cooking tea which will be our first meal of today... I know this is not great. I think this is down to getting up late and not being hungry straight away for any kind of breakfast, and by the time we do eat its quite late in the day, so we're only getting one meal in and maybe some snacks at some point too.
  • Alcohol - I've only had one night where I've gotten pissed since Belle was born. The night I ended up staying at my mothers. But I'm drinking a glass or 2 of wine most but not all evenings. DH has drunk more than normal in a month too - but less than I have been drinking. Although last night did say he wished he had a big bottle of Jack Daniels so he could get pissed.... Neither of us by any means are relying on alcohol though - if its in the house, its getting drunk, if its not, we're not rushing to Asda to buy more, it just waits till the next proper shop.
  • Being active - most of this week if I'm honest has been spent sat around the house not doing much. Before this we had been out and about most days. Like you say - maybe this isn't helping the deteriorating sleep situation.

-Doing something nice for myself - I have been trying! I had my nails done last week, and I'm booked in to go again next week. Mum bought me a new dress to wear out for my wedding anniversary (1st Aug) Wednesday too. We're booked into the hotel where we got married overnight for our WA too.

-Socialising - trying our best, but only in small situations. Don't feel up to a proper gathering. We've been to the pub a few times with 1 or 2 friends, visiting friends. But the hardest thing about this is like you said, talking about Belle - it is evident they don't know what to say and find the whole situation uncomfortable. I'm going to my cousins wedding next Friday and dreading it. DH isn't going.

Just got to keep trying to do "normal" things I guess....

lavandes · 23/07/2010 17:12

caz my son died on April 18th. For the first few weeks I woke up crying at about 4.00am I used to get up and make a coffee and look at the computer, I even started doing quizzes online to pass the time, then go back to bed and maybe sleep for a while. That passed for a few weeks and I slept fairly normally. For the last couple of weeks I have not been able to get to sleep, but last night I slept for 7 hours. I think my mind works overtime at night and I go through all that has happened. Apparently this is normal. I hope you get a good night's sleep soon. I did try nytol but it made me dopey the next day so I have stopped that but these tablets affect everyone differently.I also think that such a dreadful shock will take a long time to get over. I mean the shock not the loss. take care xx

SassySusan · 23/07/2010 22:01

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frasersmummy · 23/07/2010 22:10

You paid for catherine's funeral sassy.. ???

I thought all children's funerals were free in Scotland

SassySusan · 23/07/2010 22:19

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shabbapinkfrog · 24/07/2010 00:41

OFFICIAL NOTICE - My DS4 is now OFFICIALLY a teenager!!! Not sure how that happened but today is Toms 13th birthday. We just came home from my best friends house and somebody has released chinese lanterns into the sky - they are amazing. Next year - 2011 - is my darling twins 30th birthday. I would love to release 30 chinese lanterns into the sky....maybe a kind of fund raising for the Heart Foundation????? How wonderful would that be? xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 24/07/2010 06:41

Morning girls xx

SassySusan · 24/07/2010 08:06

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shabbapinkfrog · 24/07/2010 09:07

LOL Sassy @ Kevin!!! He has been a bit teenagerish (not a word) since he was about 2 years old LOL!!

He is sat in the living room with £50 of birthday money, a DS game from his big brother and the mobile we bought him - he has never had a new mobile before - always had hand-me-downs.....he doesn't know what to do first LOL.

shelleylou · 24/07/2010 09:57

Happy birthday Tom. Sounds like he's spoilt for choice. Mine would be charge the phone whilst playing the ds game and think about how im going to spend the cash...

CazEM · 24/07/2010 10:07

Morning ladies...

Happy Birthday to Tom, 13 is such an important birthday!! The 30th lanterns sounds wonderful too!

We are going to pay for Belle's funeral today, like Sassy the only costs we have to pay is the grave charges (digging and rights). Funeral directors provided everything else without charge. I find it almost surreal that at 25 and 29 we are about to pay for our burial rights for this little piece of garden, and deeds will arrive saying our names are also entitled to be buried alongside Belle. But it brings me a little comfort to know one day all 3 of us will sleep forever side by side and be reunited as a family, here, and I believe in heaven.

I need to go and spend some time with Belle today, get some new pink flowers.

I hope everyone has peaceful days.... x x

deemented · 24/07/2010 10:16

Happy Birthday Tom!! Hope he has a lovely day, Shabbs - gosh a teenager - rather you than me love - least for another few years

I've had a fun morning - been down at A&E as i nearly took my finger off with a pair of scissors - lots of blood but no stitches as yet. Makes typing fun, i can tell you!

We had to pay all the costs for Ciarans funeral, but that included bringing him back here to Swansea from Worcester where he was born. Think it worked out at £990, IIRC.

shabbapinkfrog · 24/07/2010 10:29

Yes we had to pay for both the boys funerals - I remember thinking 'thank God my Nan bought three grave plots years ago!' We used to laugh at her but I was glad she had because 18 years ago it would have cost £500 for the grave!!! I cant believe that funeral directors charge so very much for childrens funerals - think its a disgrace!

shabbapinkfrog · 24/07/2010 10:30

Hazey - where the devil are you???? Get your bum on here and let us know how you and yours are doing.

lavandes · 24/07/2010 15:05

I can't believe they charge so much for anybody's funeral it is a total racket.

shelleylou · 24/07/2010 15:09

I only have my db's funeral to go on and that was expensive think it cost about the same possibly more than my wedding. DB's was a cremation and his coffin and casket was personalised which added to the expense however we wanted to give him what he would have wanted and make him proud. Im certain we did that.

I've just spent the past few hours trying to catch up with ironing DS's obsession with Cars has proved good for something.

Off to the spiritualist church with my parents tonight.

lavandes · 24/07/2010 15:33

Happy birthday Tom have a great day!!!!!!!!

CazEM · 24/07/2010 23:02

Evening all...

Been taking Sassys advice today and doing something nice for myself. After visiting Belle for a while and leaving more pink flowers with her we went to my Mums who decided we were going to hit the shops for the afternoon. DH went off to the cinema with my sister and we went off to the mall. I now have another new dress, cardigan and a pair of jeans. Very pleased with all items! Especially jeans as remarkably they fitted perfectly, excellent length for heels and the only pair I tried on. That never usually happens! It was nice to have that nice feeling for a while...

I hope everyone had positive days and Tom enjoyed his birthday.

lavandes · 25/07/2010 00:40

I can say to you all the answer is not at the bottom of a bottle, I have looked tonight and it is definately not there. xx

CazEM · 25/07/2010 01:38

Im still awake and popped on here again. just felt I needed to send you hugs and love lavandes - thinking of you. x x