the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

Sorry, me again. I've just had another thought.

I know I'm feeling like this because the date is looming and that once it has passed I will start feeling some semblance of normal(?!) again. But it doesn't get any easier does it?

We're now also talking about ttc no.3. M was never a replacement for Cole as we had always planned on having two. But now talking about having another sibling for M, it feels as if we are wanting a replacement child. Has anyone else felt like this?

Yes, it really is me again

Has anyone heard about Crumpette?

Ilike , I really don't know what to say about the dates being the same , you did what you did at the time and it felt right then which is the most any of us can do BUT you do have to speak to your dh about it. He is a good man and you never know he may well be thinking the same . Maybe you could work out which sat (or whatever day) in the month you married an have that as your wedding anniversary so Coles day is just his ???

Funnily enough Jamie asked me the other day "If Harry was still here would you still have had me and Daniel?" Then he changed it and said "well Daniel anyway because you always say two boys in the house is enough "
I couldn't believe he had even thought about it like that and I was really shocked but he has a point . They wouldn't be the children they are without Harry and as weird as that is it is true . I don't really know what I am trying to sure except I understand ....

No news from Crumpette but I have been thinking about her a lot and just hope that she is safe and doing well .

I am always around on FB as well as here by the way if you ever want a gab xxx

I was in touch via email with one of the ladies who was trying to help Crumpette. I emailed her a couple of days ago and asked if she had heard anything but I haven't received a reply as yet.

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Hello spottypig - your post was comforting for me as we lost ds2 over a year ago and had already been trying to conceive no 3. Both boys were conceived on clomid and I turned 38 last week and used to be pretty uptight about my age and babies but no more - for me if it's meant to be it'll happen. In saying that though i cannot and will not let my head wander past the conception bit of getting pregnant until it does happen as i'm under no illusions that it would be a very difficult path to tread... but hopefully (with perspective) not as difficult as the one i'm currently treading ... a friend said to me recently oh it'd be just like you to fall preg with twins - my answer was well if that's the worst thing that life dishes me up in the next few years bring it on i'd settle for that - hope you feel welcome to stick around and chat if you feel like it x

sassy - how you doing today?

ILike - think i'd be tempted to pick another date if i were you and your other half is cool with that x

Shabs if you're chucking baby dust around here be sure and fire some in my general direction thank you very muchly x

Had a really useful counselling appt yesterday - i genuinely think it's helped/is helping me. oh yeah my weight loss is back on the agenda again - think i've lost (and gained ) the same stone 3 or 4 times this year already Been feeling bit better within myself in general the last few weeks or so. Did I mention the first of Gregor's sunflowers is blooming in my garden?

Oh PPM I just love Sunflowers....they have huge happy faces They make me think of my boys. I have promised myself that next year I am going to grow loads of them in tubs. Oh yes and, by the way, I still have forget-me-nots flowering? They always make me think about Eris and her mummy (for any new ladies Feedmenow and the loss of her DD Eris started this fantastic thread)

I feel more anxious tonight than Mr Anxious from Anxious Street???? No idea why?

Ilike - I don't know what to say about the dates being the same either. But I hope you find some peace about it. Do you know why your feelings are different this year?

Sassy I hope you have a much more peaceful night tonight.

Me and DH had different views on the number of children we were going to have in the beginning, before we got married. He was happy to just have the 1, I suppose stemming from him being an only-child himself (until he was 15 when he inherited step-siblings) and I wanted to have 3, again I suppose stemming from me being the eldest of 3.

So we compromised and decided we were going to have two children. But our first-born baby girl is now an angel and when the time is right for us to think about adding to our family its already become a realisation that now we'll probably go on to have another two babies. So now I'll have (all being well of course) the 3 babies I'd originally wanted, but this is so not the way I wanted it. If I could I would change it all, I would have Belle back and have just 2 beautiful earth children.

Nothing and noone could replace my beautiful girl but I guess it mainly boils down to that I wouldn't want out next child to only have a dead sibling, or be an "only child on earth" - I want my children to experience the fun side of growing up with brothers/sisters.

This is a long way off for us, we've no plans to ttc for a very long time, I went back on the pill the week after Belle was born because I want to be in the right place when we decide on another baby, a baby that is planned for and as equally as wanted as Belle is - I could not deal with a surprise baby any time soon, and the idea of being pregnant again terrifies me, its not going to be enjoyable next time, its going to be just painful and hard and stressful and just bittersweet. How will I ever begin to explain to future children, (assuming I can even bring children safetly into this world - of this I am no longer convinced), that they have a beautiful and much loved sister in heaven? How could I make them understand that she is much a part of the family as they are and equally as loved as they will be?

Thinking of the future in this way is so painful. I'd give anything to change it to a future where Belle is with us.

Sunflowers did and always will remind me of gregor - he had crazy long flyaway blond hair and huge dark brown eyes so seeing them bobbing in the wind totally reminds me of him bouncing on his wee trampoline.

Hiya Caz - I so know what you mean when you say this is not the way you wanted it ... I remember talking to a close friend a few days before gregor died about whether i'd cope with three children as opposed to two as we were already ttc no 3 - never in my worst nightmare did i envisage losing one of the two i had. I wish i could take away your raw pain, I really do x

Shabs - aka mrs anxious of anxious street - whats up?

Never grown forget-me-nots but that might just be a wee project for next year...

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx
Shabs how you doing this morning ? Still feeling anxious ?

Feel sooooo weird...searching for a reason but cant find one?

End of an era with Tom leaving yr 8 ???

It's horrible when you feel like that and don't even know why xx

Good morning ladies. Hope you had a peaceful night. I slept without waking for 7 hours first time for weeks. I can't put myself in the place of those thinking of having another baby as I had my two sons when I was very young but I am thinking of you all. xx

Oh no Im delighted that Tom is at the end of year 8 - I hate the school he is in - 2,200 pupils and the vast majority are rough as bears bums

I just feel 'haunted' by something - really on edge and nervous - will blame it on hormones for now!

shabs I hope you feel calmer soon. Hope Tom enjoys the holidays. I think the teachers should be given more power to discipline these wild children. They know that the teachers can do little to control them, it does them no good in the long run, they have little hope of a bright future. School should be a safe and happy place not a place where bullies rule. My 9 year old grandson was pinned up against a wall by a bigger boy just a few weeks after his father died, apparently the child had mental health issues, I despair!!!

Oh Lavendes what a bloody evil kid to do that to your grandson. That sort of thing is rife at Toms school. At best he gets called a nerd or a geek and at worst, even in front of me, he gets called 'fat, gay boy.' I cant put on here what my reaction was to the little git who said that!!!!

BUT it hasn't put him off learning - his report was excellent this year - his form teacher has put 'Thomas is a truly fabulous pupil who should be commended for his learning achievements.'

Im very proud of him. xxxx

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Sassy - I did exactly the same about Richard - Lavendes why did I not realise that Richard had children???? Im so sorry that I missed such an important thing...... Do you see them? Are they a comfort to you - or a double edged sword (like my Grandson who is the image of my sons>> Please give them a hug from me xxxxx

Sassy I went to art therapy Im usual at art. Was waiting to see a psychiatrist but it was something like a 18 month wait. I went along and she gave me loads of different crayons, paint and chalk and some beautiful coloured paper she said 'draw whatever you want to describe how you feel about your bereavements.!'

I kid you not - I picked up the chalks and drew a big heart with my boys names inside it, and a great big sunflower, butterflies and kisses.......she was so amazing - her thoughts after my great picture????

'I think you are missing your sons and wish you could all be together again!!!!!'

PMSL - i had to stop myself from being a sarcastic cow!!!!

Or as someone put earlier on our thread 'NO SHIT SHERLOCK.'

or even useless at art - DOH!!

If you go to advanced search and put in my name - go to 'my son had died' thread you can read my story, I cannot talk now as I am in work (breaking the use of internet rules but sod it) xx

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Morning all...

Have had a terrible nights sleep. Think I've spent more of it awake than asleep, not helped I think by DH who didn't come to bed till 6:00am (I've slept 4 hours straight since then and got up when I woke up at 10), its like I couldn't settle without him. I don't know why he wasn't coming to bed... on computer or watching films, but I'm getting worried. Getting himself into a routine of being up all night and asleep all day isn't going to help him.

We looked at the DVD of all our pregnancy photos yesterday, set to the music we played as he bared Belle into the church. It made us both sob, with DH saying how are we possibly going to fix this. It can never be fixed can it - I just don't know how to help him, help us and start to live life that resembles normality again. I haven't been this "lazy" since I was a teenager, but now, after pulling myself out of bed - already late morning each day, I literally cannot find the energy to get dressed for ages. So I sit around in my PJs, like I'm doing now, just wasting the day away.

My head is scrambled this morning. In quite a state.

Shab - I'm sorry to hear your feeling anxious, especially as you can't find a reason. Hope your feeling more like yourself soon. and well done Tom for such a good report from school!

Sassy - I don't know what to say about the counselling, but I'm sorry you haven't found it helpful. You must be dissapointed. Is there another counsellor you could see? Maybe this particular lady wasn't very good? We've not gone down that route yet, although Dr has suggested it, I'm just not sure about the whole thing at the moment.

Mentioning paying for funerals has reminded me we are still to pay for Belle's. We were given 28 days from invoice date, so that must be coming up in the next week.

I'm gunna go make myself get in the shower and dress. That'll be 2 hours earlier than yesterday....

Caz - it cant ever be fixed - but it can be healed quite a bit. Its like having a massive, painful deep cut.....as time passes the cut heals a little and we eventually end with a scar. I feel that the loss of our dear children is exactly the same.

At the beginning we can't imagine how we are going to survive a minute. Yet, somehow we do. Then we move onto surviving an hour and so on.

There is no quick fix for grief....and I know you dont want to hear these words but time does heal, it makes the grief less painful. At certain times that grief washes back over us but by then we have learnt that we can 'do this.' None of us will ever be the same again....if we hadn't loved our children with all our hearts we wouldn't be hurting the way we are.

Well done for getting on with stuff earlier today than yesterday - just tiny steps my friend, just tiny steps xxx