the safe and welcoming support thread for anyone affected by the loss of a child, a place to share, to shout, to cry and smile and to remember our beautiful stars and sunflowers

[crumpette]

This is a thread for anyone who has lost a child or been affected by the loss of a child no matter how big or small or how recent or long ago. We understand.

In memory of the light of my life, Lucia, and all of our little ones taken too soon. x

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (while also stamping feet and swearing loudly..)

That's better. While on a roll with productivity, I did in the end decide to go through the paperwork pile. What crap do we keep, I ended up with carrier bags for the paper bin. But anyway, I also found letters from Vodafone and O2, and decided that a) it was about time I changed my name with O2, and b) I wanted to cancel our Vodafone Mobile Broadband when the contract ends in August because we dont' use it at all anymore, we used to take it with us when we went away but DH has an iphone now so we use that.

Ok so phoned O2 - a while on hold, but very helpful - asked polietly for me to send a copy of marriage certificate in, which is a bit annoying but fine. Given address, all sorted.

Phone Vodafone. Not very helpful. Lady very difficult to understand at all, which only makes this even more frustrating. Said I wanted to cancel and she thats fine, then went through the usual business of going through personal details, other questions. Then after about 5 minutes she said I couldn't cancel on phone have to go on their website and do it. WTF? For a start why? and why waste my time with all the personal details etc, why not tell me that from the off? She was very vague about the whole doing it on the website thing and not very forthcoming about how I'm supposed to cancel on there. So I'm ranting for a bit about why I couldn't do this over the phone and she just kept saying go to the website - not telling me how I'm supposed to do it when I get there. Ahhh and then to top it all off she then said or you could write a letter. FFS. Blew my top, snappily asked for the address to send a letter to - which took another 5 minutes as we're struggling with English. I'm sure they make the whole process as difficult as possible to make you give up leaving them.

So a very angry pissed off letter is on its way to Vodafone cancelling the bloody contract and exclaiming that I do not appreciate my time being wasted and that they now feature at the bottom of my considerations for any future mobile needs.

And breathe......

House is looking much much better.

Ilike - I've only read one chapter so far, but enjoyed it! I'll read some more later.
I'm glad you and DH had a chat and you feel better about it all.

I have seen loads of doctors over the past 25 years and they do not know what causes it other than it an auto immune disease. I started the last flare up a few days before Richard died and thought I was better but yesterday it started again. I do think the shock and grief hasn't helped. I have been trying so hard to be 'normal' but I am in bits again, I think it is a vicious circle and I must be kind to myself.I am finding it so hard learning to live with it. I miss him so much.

We have been married for 38 years and we have always celebrated or anniversary on the nearest weekend. For the last 3 years we have stayed at the pub where Richard was the head chef and he cooked a special meal for us, so next year will be difficult. xx

Hello lovelies.
Sassy and Caz, hearing about how you're feeling and what you're up to day to day really takes me back to where we were just after dd died. There is a strong commonality of experience that links us all.

I've been thinking about that question of what you do with yourself when you can't do anything anymore. I'm not sure I recall accurately what we did with our days except survive them one at a time.

Things have been complicated for us by by the arrival of dd2 just two months after dd1 died, but also because I've had major health issues that left me disabled for the past couple of years. We're just now feeling stable at last, no longer in crisis mode, and getting physically better at the same time.

It's a huge relief to me to be able to regain some orderliness and routine in our lives. Like Caz, I find it harder when things are in a mess around me, and I'm feeling a surge of energy now that we're finally making some forward progress again.

That said, it's very emotionally charged, to be returning, in an altered way, to patterns of behaviour from before dd died. I'm so grateful to be able to be more occupied - less thinking, more doing.

Anyway, I think my original point was going to be something like: I recognise where you are now, and I want to share with you that things will change with time and one day you will find yourself more able to engage with life.

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A friend of mine summed up people who have never suffered the loss of a child as DHAC's - Don't Have A Clue's. Seems apt, sometimes.

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People clearly do not realise or understand the sheer effort it takes to do normal things, to face things in normal life.

DHAC definately sums is up Dee

Friend tonight has said to me (MSN) "Its better that you start facing things again sooner rather than later" - Am I being oversensitive or does just once again highlight that they really arn't even trying to empathise or have an idea? It may seem ages ago to them now, but its 5 weeks since I gave birth to Belle, 5 short weeks. Why am I expected to be getting on with things already? Don't people realise my whole life is shattered into little pieces?

I can only assume this comment is relation to us bailing on the bbq Friday night. A point trying to be made that we chickened out and should be trying harder by now. Why do people think they have the right to assume what I should be doing right now? Maybe I'm over thinking it, being paranoid, but knowing this person the way I do I'm sure comments to that effect would've been made Friday night in our absense. I would hate to think people would be bitching about us now.

Why don't people try and put themselves in our shoes just for one minute, try and imagine losing the most precious thing in your life and then think about what they are able to face after 5 little weeks. Whos it better for that I face things sooner rather than later. I think its best for us to take little steps - and taking all the time we need.

I'm quite and

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Good morning ladies

The medication seems to be working the pain is easing thank god.

caz and sassy we all have so much to deal with. I think we must all do what we feel we need to, not what other people think we should be doing. No one can put themselves in our shoes and say what we should do. It is bad enough dealing with each day and getting through it as best we can without worrying about other people. I still feel that I have been ripped apart, Richard died on April 18th and sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday, other people probably think that I should be getting over it by now. It is such a short time really. All we can do is take one day at a time and deal with it, try to get through it.
Hope everyone finds a bit of peace today xx

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Morning girls! xx

morning shabs I was wondering where you were aswell, thought you must have gone on your holiday. That thought made me think that we are all real friends not just virtual ones. xx

21 more sleeps till my hols - I am soooooooo ready for them. xx

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Lol Sassy - and have you seen how many bloody four-year old girls there are?! More every year. The ones that really get me are the ones who were four and now have the temerity to be five and then six. How very bloody dare they .

Lots of lol at the DHACs. I've become much more tolerant of them with time and mostly find them entertaining now. As you will no doubt have encountered Sassy, there are an awful lot of DHACs about suicides, so I think we weren't surprised to find DHACs on child death. Actually, the suicide ones are far more outspoken and opinionated and just plain ignorant than the others.

Caz next time someone tells you what's best for you, remind them it's best for them to appear compassionate and understanding, even if they aren't really. Numpties.

Thanks Zeno - that is a brilliant idea.

Yes Sassy - 2010 would have to be a baby boom year wouldn't it.

A fact I was enjoying while pregnant, I was one of 10 in work who have had or were having their babies this year, DH was one of about 6 in his work, I know of lots of other people through FB and other connections in real life who are also having babies this year. I thought it was lovely so many little people were being born.

Now on the other hand I wish they would all just "get lost". Of course I don't wish anything bad to happen to them, but I don't need them under my nose or in my face all the time.

Went over Asda yesterday - just to get some more lady things, and there was this stupid dithering woman and man with their stupid newborn baby girl just getting in the way under my feet all of the time.

Cousins wedding Friday in Plymouth, determined to at least make the ceremony, - but there will be another stupid newborn girl there, his new SIL has just had her baby 2 weeks ago. And me and his new SIL had been talking quite often while pregnant, our due dates being exactly one month apart. Not a word from her since Belle has died - and she will know, because of course my cousin knows, and she's on FB, she'll know. At least I had the decency to send my congratulations on the arrival of her baby even if she hasn't had the decency to send her sympathy about mine. My brothers GF lives in Plymouth and already has given me a key to her house ready for escaping purposes at any point...

How bitter do I sound....

Watching DH play with Fiz the cat. At least she still manages to bring a smile to my face...

What to do today. Ideas welcome....

Two sayings about losing a loved one that really really piss me off are:

Moving on
Getting over it.

Move on to where? Timbuk-bloody-tu?

Get over it? Get over it??!!! What do you mean by that? Get over the fact that the most precious thing in my life has died prematurely?

Hello everone.
Hope your all as well as can be. Is it just me who has noticed things in photos that you didnt before? Kind of taking it for granted. I'm not explaining too well i'll do my example might make it clearer lol. I was looking at photos of ds from 2 years ago saw everything in the foreground and ds but in the background i could see DP's motorbike. It was in the same place as always I just never noticed it in the pictures before. The condensation on the patio windows may have added to that.

Utterly exhausted with all the crying today. I feel right back at day one, completely uncontrollable sobbing.

I went into Belle's room - which is full of all the things she'll never use, or see, or need, and still smells of the fresh paint on the walls. I looked through her pretty clothes and cried and cried. DH didn't know what to do with me and ended up bursting into tears to. God knows what the neighbours thought if they could hear us from outside.

I held the pink cardigan identical to the one we dressed her in. It was my favourite cardigan out of all the ones Mum had knitted for Belle and when we were told she had died, my Mum knitted an identical one - just a tinier version so it would fit her properly.

I've picked out a few bits of her clothes that I want to put in her memory box - things I wouldn't want anyone else wearing. That were particulaly special to her. The first dress we bought her, the first shoes, the outfit we had chosen to bring her home in, the "I Love Daddy" tshirt DH had bought for her and was really proud of, the matching cardigan to the one she is wearing, the matching babygros to the ones she did and is wearing, the blanket that went over her at the hospital... God I don't know when I'm going to feel strong enough to collate all the things I want to keep of our Belle into a box. There's so much. Why couldn't we just keep Belle...

We had bought her so many beautiful things - already completely spoilt. We love her so much, she would've had a wonderful life. What did we do to deserve this?

Sorry girls - I'm having a really difficult day.

wrapping my arms around you Caz - xxxxx

Thinking of you all, big cwtches to you especially, Caz.

The most strange thing happened to me today, utterly bizzarre. I took ds2, for his first swimming lesson, and they were calling out the names of the children in his group - They called out the name of the first child, then ds's name, Brennan C, and the child after him was called Keiron C, the exact same name as my Ciaran, and he was five years old, like Ciaran should be - the instructor even commented on it and asked 'Oh are you twins?'

I was utterly dumbfounded.

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It did, tbh. It feels weird, knowing that theres another five year old in this city with the my sons name.

I'm sure his mother thought i was mad, i sort of flustered a bit and found myself staring a bit.

And then of course, there was the shouts of 'Keiron, Brennan, come and do this..'

How are you doing, Sassy? And in answer to your FB question - a resounding NO!

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