The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

morning girls, hope everyone ok,all went well yesterday,dh spent evening resting, got results straight away, he has one diseased artery and another starting to go, so statins and aspirin daily, hes lost a stone nearly already,so cutting down,he doesnt smoke or drink,its more genetic.
so gals im gonna go loose weight ,but its hard.
dh cant drive for few days ,so more excercise there,i cant drive i failed twice ,so gave up,but only wanted to pass for taking granddaughter to hospital,and shes fine and dandy.
anyway ,speak to you all laterxxxxxxxxxx`

Morning. x

Hiya everyone x

Lavandes - noone here is keeping check on who's giving/taking, so even if just reading or jotting down what's going through your mind helps then do it - this is the most unlikely place i'd have thought i'd find support but the understanding of knowing that what i do feel is normal for someone who has lost a child has helped me a lot.

Good luck Hazy - glad the tests went ok and they didn't keep you hanging on too long for the results.

Sassy - I find that days where i've poured a load of emotional energy into something I struggle for a couple of days afterwards - how are you doing today?

Crumpette - how you getting on?

I met a lady yesterday who is a friend of my sister. She has lost a son but not in the same way that we have lost our children.
nikki durbin
She had such a dignified calm way about her, she looked very sad of course too, i kept thinking to myself that i might have lost Jack but at least i know where he is. Does that make sense? Also made me doubly appreciate Wilf too!!

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Morning x

Good morning ladies

sassy I dream every night but my husband never dreams. I was dreaming the other night that we were at a concert. Richard and I went to see Kasabian and Oasis last year (I am an ageing rock chick!) he said that he would keep taking me even if I was in a wheelchair (they get the best views!)we had such a great time, precious memories. I found this poem which we read when we scattered his ashes.

Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on.

And cherished memories never fade because a loved ones gone.

Those we love can never be more than a thought apart.

For as long as there is memory they'll live on in the heart.

I think it says it all.

I hope you all have a better day today xx

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sassy I totally understand what you feel.
I don't want 'to make the best of it' I want to go into the street and scream 'I want my son back, no I am not feeling better, how the hell can I be'. I have no idea how I have got through the last 8 weeks. You and only you will know when you can go back to work. I only went to get away from the house for a while, I honestly think that I went back too soon but I did and must now get on with it. I don't talk about Richard's death with anyone at work, and I don't think I ever will. take care x

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sassy everyone is different and what is the right thing to do for them may not be the right thing for you. My husband went back to work after 2 weeks. He is the type of person who needs to work, I think he would have gone mad if he had stayed at home any longer, and I could not have coped with that. As for the petty crap I just ignore it most of the time, no-one can understand what we are going through unless they have experienced it, no matter what they may think. I just hope that this raw grief and anger will soften one day, but know that it will be a long time coming.

It is shite , people want to be the one to come up with the one magic phrase or idea that is going to fix it all . As we know there isn't one . It will get easier in time and you will find a way of carrying this grief around with you without so much pain .

I can't believe the conversations I have had with people especially in the early days , no matter what stupid thing they said to me there would always be a little voice in the back of my head telling me to mind my manners and not hit anybody . I used to have long fantasies about running into the street and screaming and hitting a lot of people .

It is so hard but there will come a day when you will have a "good" time again without all this pain . And without all the guilt that brings too . If I knew that I was going to be having a good time I used to go to the church first and have a chat with Harry and tell him that just because I might smile or even laugh later it didn't mean I had forgotten him . It really did help .

Big hugs to both of you xxx

sassy! PPM I'm here !

I'm not on FB sassy so I couldn't see your film, and I have nothing useful to say other than AARSCBFBGBHVFHDFBVDJVNMVBDFMVBMBVNMVaaargjaaaaaarrrrggghhh sorry, but you know, you cry and shout and scream all you want. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, you will always have such a yearning pain and probably a lot of disbelief about what has happened, nobody else will understand, except the lovely bunch here, so ignore all the people who say stupid things. In the 6 months I was back at work I lost count of the number of ridiculous comments made to me. People still make them if they know, even DP says stupid to the point of horrendous things, I close them off. My grief is mine and I can express it how I want and it will never go away, I will always feel the same, but in time I will live with it better, I hope.

Sorry am rambling! ppm that's a huge amount of money to have raised in such a short space of time well done xx

lavandes, don't feel you need to offer words of wisdom. I don't offer any!! I worry I just vent about me, but you know what, that's what we are here for, just you being here is giving something if you think about it

As for me, I may be awol for a few days, I haven't really taken the news about my friend dying too well it's sort of heightened what I felt about L. It's made me feel it all over again, and having my daughter and then my grandmother (who brought me up and who I actually liked, unlike evil mother) and now my best friend all die since last April just sort of is not sinking in, really. I can't believe it! Everything in my life that mattered has been taken away. 2 years ago my day would usually involve all 3 of them..I used to ring my grandmother often, L used to shout/talk at her on the phone on speaker, my friend used to write and text all the time, used to send things for L, I used to send pics, we visited her, etc. Now there is nobody like that left, and of course without L, my whole reality has been torn apart. Also DP has lost his job, and to make matters worse he has been signed off sick but now HR have contacted him to say he won't get paid at the end of the month. etc etc. Dramas! I have exams in september which I should have done last May but didn't. I have done no work for them.

See lavandes, how's that for a rant sorry all

I will probably have to go to friend's funeral this week, not sure of logistics- dreading it actually

Anyway piglet is crying at me wondering why I haven't made his weaning gloop yet so best go, lots of hugs to everyone x

ooh gosh, lots smileys and hugs! sorry!

Hi everyone - I haven't posted on here for a while. To be honest, I felt that I didn't belong here. All of you sound so sincere and honest in your grief and I feel like an intruder, because my pain is not so raw anymore. I foolishly thought that I had finally passed that invisible line - the one where I can think about Sydney, without feeling like I am being kicked in the stomach and for a while that feeling wasn't there...but now it is back...with a vengeance. I just cannot believe that I am never going to see her again - after 12 years of being without her, I should know that I will never smell her sweet smell again. I want her back..I want my baby back...when she got sick, I was so sure that she would not die, I really believed it with all my heart - that's why it was such a shock when she did die - I wasn't ready for her to die - I thought she would live. Thank you for being here and for hearing me.

Hi NinaJane. The kicked in the stomach feeling comes and goes here, if I think about L though it's there, and it hurts. I completely get what you are saying. I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without my precious little girl. I can't believe I won't get to see her blow out candles on her birthday cake every year..I truly believed she would survive. Even when she was very very ill, even the night before she died, I believed she would live. I wasn't ready either. Everyone else thought she'd die, apparently, but I did not. I guess I felt like that because her dying would have been too painful to comprehend, because I loved her so much.

I know nothing I say will make you feel any better NinaJane. I don't want to impose beliefs on anyone but I personally hope that one day, in some form, which I am not quite sure of, I will meet L again. I believe she hasn't actually gone forever, and I believe she still exists. I know I sound mad and I would have laughed at a comment like that before she died but I have really had to address my lack of beliefs, and that is what I have concluded (evidence based!)

I also just wanted to let you know you're not on your own, we are all here with you x

I'm listening NJ. Shabs often comments on how older grief always comes back and bites you on the arse when you least expect it

You will never be an intruder here xxx

Sorry it's only a quick post, I'm off out. I'll check in again tomorrow xxx

Hi crumpette - I do believe that Sydney is with God - she was a pure soul, not corrupted by the ugliness of the world yet - so she went straight back to where she came from - if I didn't believe in God or a heaven, then it might have made things a little bit easier, because then I would have known that she was still somehow with me as I go through my life. But as I believe that heaven is a place where there is no sorrow, sadness, fears or tears, I also have to accept that she is not aware of my existence - if she was, she would be sad to see my grief and that can't be, because there is no sadness in heaven (don't know if I am making sense - I'm just trying to explain how I understand it all to be). I do believe that I will see her again, but only once I die too - I believe that she will come to greet me then - on days like today, when the sadness and missing her, weighs me down and settles on me like a heavy blanket, I wish for death. I was driving somewhere today and I got to an intersection on a very busy road - a heavy-duty truck was barrelling down the road and I thought to myself that I can end the pain right now - in one swift blow. I was sure that the driver of the truck would survive and that I would be where I wanted to be today. But of course I couldn't do it - I wish that I could reach inside myself and rip out the sadness - anything just to not feel like this.

Hi ILike - Shabs is so very right about that. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to me to be able to come on here and just say how I feel - it is honestly the only place where I can truly say what I feel, without fear of judgement.

Oh Nina how I wish I could take your sadness and pain away. I guess I believe the same thing essentially, that when I die I will meet L again. I take great comfort in knowing what a lovely girl she was and what a pure good soul she was and I believe that she is OK now wherever she is. I was really veering towards suicide immediately after her death but I read a lot of books on life/death/etc and it stopped me, also I now have DS. I can safely say now that I would never ever consider that,but on my bad bad days I curse my youth because I wish I could be older and closer to dying but of course that's madness, but you know what I mean and I know what you mean.

How's life in SA right now? Are you sick of the vuvuzelas yet?

Sorry for my rambling btw

I kind of worry about older grief. I know I will always feel like I do now about L, but already, a year and 2 months after her death, I am not allowed to talk about her in RL. I should be over it according to the people around me, or at least not mention it again. I know I won't be able to not mention her , I know I will always feel this strongly so I really do appreciate having this thread to talk about her on. I really think you lot have kept me sane (yes, I'm quite sane really ) for over a year now. Thank you.

Crumpette - yes, I know exactly what you mean.

About the World Cup: It is so exciting to be in SA at the moment! And no, I'm not sick of the vuvuzelas yet, never, I have one!

Hiya

Just got back from hols at the weekend.. we had a lovely time but couldnt help thinking .. 6 years ago I ran away to that park to hide when I lost my little boy... and now here is my 5 year old swimming across the pool without any armbands or woggle...

life is soo sooo strange

I will read through all your posts in the next few days and see if I can say anything useful

do we have a new thread yet??

Oh my word just realised we are almost at the end of the thread. PPM come on girl pass the baton on

We all seem to be feeling the same way at the moment. Us going on holiday is stretching our finances to breaking point. Yesterday H suggested we cancel because we cant afford it. I waited till he had gone to bed...I sat on the sofa at stupid oclock in the morning with my coat over my head and i sobbed and sobbed. I 'prayed' to Gareth and Matt to help us go on holiday....I just kept thinking how shite life is and how un-fair. I do think I could be loosing my remaining marbles! I feel so very old and tired. This is not how I had my life planned out to be.

xxxxxxx

started to reply to you Lavandes earlier today but got distracted numerous times so didn't get chance to post what i'd written. Your poem is beautiful x

Cannot believe my wee lad's thread is coming to an end.... any volunteers to catch a baton or shall i nominate someone Mwhhhhhaaaaaa the power Any takers to start the next thread?

Good to hear from you Crumpette x

Hang on in there Sassy - what you are feeling is sadly totally normal. It is shit. People says such trite shite to try to make you feel better - they often just don't get that sometimes they just can't actually make you feel better just by spouting the first load of bollocks that trips off their tongue and some days you just won't want to feel better. Some days are good for nothing but wallowing, some for anger, some for numbness.

NinaJane - I'm sure many of us can identify with the feelings you've had today x

I can officially conclude I really struggle with kids fecking birthday parties... DS1 was invited to a local party on sat pm so off i go and deliver him to said party... bump into someone who I thought was a good friend but I haven't heard diddly from for months who appears full of the joys and completely does my head in... cue swift and prompt exit... I wander down the road back home alone when i should have another wee lad holding my hand .....However DS1 is a social butterfly and i need to keep taking him along to parties as if i am the mum he used to have instead of the mum i have become.

Wish I could top up your holiday fund Shabs - really hope it works out - you guys NEED that holiday x

Was school sports day this afternoon [YET ANOTHER SIGH] Loved going to see my super sporty wee lad so energised by it all but also had to endure the nursery races and seeing all of the kids who should have been developing friendships with Gregor frollicking about together Can't help but see the half empty glass today whereas yesterday it was almost certainly half full - took ds1 to cinema to see how to train your dragon - fab film and some nice time with friends. This is just such a ridiculous life sentence of a roller coaster [SIGH]