The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

xxx for Lola

Amazing thread title - well done xxx

Just making sure i have the new thread on my uptodate page............

Good morning everyone,

Thank you very much for the new thread peterpansmum.

I've not chatted here for a while, since I joined a couple of months ago, but I have been reading every day - been having a bit of a bad time lately - I struggle terribly with feelings of guilt.

I mentioned before that my baby girl died from bacterial meningitis when she was 10 days old - in the days leading up to he death she cried a lot, actually she screamed...at that time (she was my first child) I thought that it was normal and that is what babies do - but I silently felt that she did not like me, I thought that she thought that I was a useless mother, because I could not comfort her enough to stop her crying.

After she had died, I frantically read up about bacterial meningitis, as I knew nothing about it - nothing could prepare me for what I read. I read that a baby who has this, experiences the most excruciating pain - a splitting, unrelenting headache...stiff neck...sensitivity to bright light and more.

Why did I not see or realise that she was in such terrible pain and suffering so?! I remember holding her whenever she cried like this, for hours on end, trying to comfort her, saying over and over again to her: "Mommy knows, because mommies know..." But I didn't know, did I? Here my child was screaming and in pain, trying to tell me what was wrong, begging me to notice and I told her that I that I knew, but did nothing to help her! How sick is that?! I've let her down...I did not notice that she was in pain...I did not help her...by the time I did notice, it was too late to save her...her short little life was spent mostly in pain...oh god, this is too much to deal with sorry

Nina Im so sorry you feel this way - I dont know the right words to help - I keep typing stuff out and then deleting it. I blame myself for DS3's accident - I had bought him his bike and then stupidly allowed him to play out of the gate on it. I had read him the riot act and told him not to cycle on the street - even though it was a very quiet street - I bet there's not a mum on here who doesn't think, at some point, that its their fault. Truth be known - its none of our faults - awful, heartbreaking, terrible things happen and ITS NOT OUR FAULT. Keep posting sweetheart - we will all support you xxx

You would have let your precious baby down if you hadn't held her and tried to comfort her my love. xx

Shabba - on an intellectual level I do know that it was not my fault, but on an emotional level, I do not understand why I did not realise that she was in pain...all this stuff one reads about 'mother's instinct' and such, where was mine? It has made me doubt myself as a mother - I have 3 other children now, daughter (11), two sons (7 and 3) and I have often not trusted myself when it came to their health and well being.

I have a very unsteady relationship with my 2nd daughter now - when she was born, I was too scared to love her, I was frightened that she would die too - so I took very good care of her physically and even though I constantly showered her with hugs and kisses, I never gave myself to her completely - I do not even feel that any of my children are really mine - I feel somehow removed from them - I love them so much, but I love them from a distance - I stare at those beautiful children and I cannot believe that they are mine - I cannot believe that they are still alive - I cannot believe that I have managed to not let any of them die yet.

I don't know if it is because of the way I was with my 2nd daughter, when she was a baby, that it is now starting to impact on our relationship - she says she loves me (when prompted), but she is never sad to see me leave or happy to see me arrive - she doesn't ask for hugs or kisses from me (not even when she was very little) - she is very indifferent towards me - I worry for her, because she is entering her teens...I think I may have damaged her emotionally as a baby, because perhaps she realised that I was not emotionally there for her at that time.

Oh sweetheart - Im just sat here nodding at your words. I feel like I let all four of my sons down....I look at Dan and Tom and they are so sensitive and cautious....I want them to sometimes really misbehave and then realise that I have made them that way. I truly thought every one of my lads would die....I mollycoddled my survivors and waited on them hand and foot I dont know the right way to do this crap - I really dont xx

Shabba - thank you for being here this morning when I needed to vent - it does help to know that I am not alone - I also wait on my children hand and foot and it is exhausting, but I also don't know the right way to do this crap - not even after 12 years.

Never, ever a problem sweetheart....I think it takes a whole lifetime to get 'over' something like this - and even then I dont think its possible....but its what we make of what we have I reckon. Come and post whenever you want to on here - wether its to smile, moan, scream, swear, be happy or whatever xxxx

Hi there Brightonite, would you like to come and say hello? You and your darling Lola are very welcome here

Sorry to hear things have been tough ninajane. If you want to change things with your dd2 there is still time, it's never too late. Don't leave it any longer, you CAN change this.

I'm so sorry you feel the horrible burden of guilt about your dd1. I don't quite know what to say apart from {{{hugs}}}.

Hi all, Ive just spoken to Wilf at school, hes got a sore tummy and is feeling very sorry for himself........ I have to phone later and see how he is........

Hello all,

So lovely that the new thread title has butterflies in it

Nina the guilt is awful. I feel guilty for not saving my DD. It doesnt make any sense, she had cancer. It was relentless. But I still feel guilty. Because I didnt realise sooner, because when she was on treatment I didnt make her eat enough, I couldnt control her pain, so many many things that dont make sense.

Sometimes I just say 'I am sorry Bille' out loud. Its a huge release. It makes me cry every time but it does help.

lottie hope Wilf is ok.

Getting very fat and uncomfortable here. Also very emotional which I do not deal well with. I like to keep all that under control as much as possible.

Looks like the baby will have to go into hosptial for photo therapy when its born. Dreading it more than I can say. We will be on the same ward as I spent so much time on with Billie and it will be so close to her anniversary.

Was thinking of you Che when I mentioned the butterflies xx

ppm how lovely of you. Thank you x

Good to see you Che xxx

Good to see you Che! Sorry you have all the worry with the new baby...........
Wilf is a bit better now. He is still very cheeky. He didnt like queueing in the library last weekend and started getting fidgetty. I told him and he turned round and said "Mumma you are a bossy boots" My reply??? "Wilf Im your Mum thats my job!!!!"

told him off that should be!!

well said Lottie xx

Morning girls xx

Morning all , lovely thread title ppm

NInajane , I too have enormous guilt , Harry "just" had a cold but he was the opposite to your lo in that he never cried , in all his life he cried a handfull of times literally and that was when he was having injections . I always told the doctors that I thought it wasn't right but they all told me that he was just a contented baby . I really believe that he didn't have that inner fight for life that we all have .
I question my judgement all the time , how could I have got it so wrong ? I know that I was told by a dr that he was ok but I should have known different . I do struggle with that even now .

Like you I can look at it logically and know that there was nothing I could have done really but ....

Hi ILikeToMoveIt - thank you for reminding me that it is not too late to change things with my dd2.

I took your advice and this morning for the first time since she was very little, instead of just waking her for school (like I normally do) I got into bed with her, had a cuddle and tickled her awake . At first it felt a bit awkward, because she doesn't normally like people in her personal space, but she responded beautifully - she was very surprised and enjoyed every moment of it! As a result, we ended up being horribly late for school, but sod it, this is my daughter we are talking about !

Nina , that sounds so lovely . Much better way to be woken up than shouted at from the bottom of the stairs . Mind you mine are nearly 4 and a 6 yr old so the chances of me ever having to actually wake them up in the morning is pretty slim .

Well done Nina - that sounds wonderful xxx

Hi TW - there really is no escaping the guilt, is there...I am so sad for you...

I am hoping to one day forgive myself, but that day has not arrived yet, not even after such a long time. I will try to do as chegirl (thank you chegirl) suggested and say 'I am sorry Sydney' out loud - it's worth a try and who knows, I might find some respite from the guilt, even if it is just for a moment.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that you don't have to wake your little ones in the morning - just wait until they start 'big school', then all that will change - you will need a crowbar to get them up in the mornings!