The hugely supportive thread in memory of all our twinkling little stars, bobbing sunflowers and dancing butterflies supporting those bereaved by the loss of a child

[peterpansmum]

In memory of our gorgeous Gregor

Morning Shabba - thanks, it was rather wonderful .

Nina , I have also said sorry to Harry out loud and it did help . I went up to the grave and said it and it did make me feel better .

I have also written a couple of letters to him which are now in his memory box . As much as I still have some hard days when I look back on those early letters I realise how far I have come .

TW, I think you are wonderful and very brave.

I walk around with thoughts of Sydney in my head the whole day long - I never verbalise them - I am scared that if I actually open my mouth and say her name out loud, that it will hurt too much - I have learned over the years to just breathe faster and blink a lot, when feelings about her started to overwhelm me - most of the time I am able to get through the panic that rises in my chest - I think that if I had to actually say her name or speak to her in a letter, that I will not be able to control that feeling - I will give it a try...but not just yet.

Morning all xx I try to talk about Jack as much as i can. I find it hard when people say is Wilf your only child? Depending on who im with or where i am i either say yes or explain about Jack.
Wilf is feeling better this morning!!

we help this lady??

that should read can we help this lady??

interesting article in telegraph........

Hi Girls, it?s been ages since I was last on here although I think of you often.

Have been having a tough time over the last few months. I discovered I was pregnant shortly after Christmas, unplanned but we were over the moon. This joy was short lived as at the 12 week scan just over a month ago they found there was no heart beat. Since then things have gradually gone down hill. At first I seemed to be coping but the past couple of weeks have been so hard. Griveing for the life that is no longer and all the hopes and dreams that will not be and missing Noah more than ever. I know I am so so lucky to have DD1 and DD2 but I just feel so empty and low at the moment. I can?t even face doing certain daily tasks like the school run, seeing other people just fills me with dread. I know I have to be strong and carry on as I have my gorgeous girls but I am struggling.

Tomorrow it would have been my darling Noah?s 2nd Birthday. Please think of him. x

Lighthouse im so sorry to read your news! I will light a candle for Noah tomorrow! Big Hugs xxx {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}

Oh my word Lighthouse I am so very sorry - sending you all my love and support. Will light my candles for Noah tomorrow. Keep posting love - I have missed you xxx

Hi all, I am stuck on page 1 of 4 here, my server has been down can't get on MN or even (gasp) internet shop! Every time I try and load a page it deletes itself and goes to page cannot be displayed

Just wanted to say great thread title ppm, and wave to everyone

NinaJane, I am sending you some hugs. I feel very much the same, L screamed and screamed for a few days before I took her to the doctors.. I thought she was teething.. I told them in intensive care what she had done (screamed like that which was very out of character) and they instantly said 'oh the high pitched encephalopathy scream' as if it were so obvious. I felt and feel so guilty that my instinct failed and if I had got her there earlier, maybe she'd have had a liver earlier and maybe the transplant would have worked and blablabla. Also I keep thinking of her being in so much pain all the time she was in hospital, I was the 'nice' parent that didn't shout and scream to get her oral morphine, but she had a wide open abdomen..literally... everyone else's kid had morphine and she had paracetamol but she was clearly in absolute unrelenting agony and I asked and I asked but I asked too nicely and I didn't put my foot down and I should have because she spent her last months in agony because of me

argh

I wish I knew what to say to be helpful to other people but I worry I post too selfishly on here to help anyone, I don't have the wisdom that goes with it.. I'm sorry

Meant to take DS to be weighed this morning but getting dressed in time for a visitor at 12 seems like such an effort, I really couldn't be bothered to rush to clinic as well. He was weighed 6 weeks ago.. he's a tiny baby, that's too long isn't it.. but I really can't face it! I just cannot face people (bit scared about visitor!) He still hasn't been registered and agh I will be in so much trouble. I am travelling in a different time zone at the moment, very weird

Sorry if I have missed anything I can't load the rest of the thread at the moment, not sure if this will post. Hugs to everyone having a crappy time x

Aha it has now allowed me to see page 2 of 2

Lighthouse, I am so so sorry to read your post

please stick around for a bit, I can't imagine what you're going through having that and then having it taken away, but after losing Noah as well it's doubly cruel

We will all be thinking of Noah tomorrow on his 2nd birthday and it's so so unfair and sad that he isn't here to share it Just incase I can't get on again (dns error?) I will be lighting a candle for Noah in the morning xxxxxx

Hi Crumpette - you do not post selfishly at all - I understand perfectly where you are coming from. I often hold back from posting, because I feel ill equipped to give advice, when I am at a loss myself . I know that nothing I could ever say to you girls will lessen your pain, but I am so very grateful that you share your experiences with me, it helps to know that I am not alone and that means more to me than you could ever know.

Sydney also had a high pitched scream - I just thought that she was a 'screamer' and that it was normal - not for one second did the thought that she could be in pain cross my mind. I looked at the few photo's that I have of her the other day and it now seems so obvious. In the one photo, she was bent over backwards screaming - she was all blotchy and her little toes and fists were scrunched up .

Lighthouse , I am so sorry . You look after yourself xxx

I will be thinking of you and Noah tomorrow and a candle will be lit here in Sussex .

Its strange how things make you stop and think. I have the little girl with me who i look after and her friend, we were baking in the kitchen and Tears in Heaven came on....... Always reminds me of Jack. If he had gone to term it would have been his birthday sometime this week.............

Hello again.

So much guilt on this thread

How were we supposed to know? Billie was ill for about 3 mths before dx. She had loads of pain and she was 12 and able to tell me. We thought it might be arthritis so I tried to keep her moving. But it was the bone marrow swelling up in her poor little bones and causing her agony. I even shouted at her once for lagging behind when I was trying to get to an appt with DS2. How could I have done that to her?

I dreamt about her last night. I saw her and heard her. She had come back from school and was having a right old moan about the teachers. It was wonderful. But she was ill, she is always ill in my dreams. Not just ill but dying. I know she is and she knows she is. I never dream about her well.

She is so beautiful. So brave. So clever. So everything I could ever have wanted.

Like all our wonderful children.

Lighthouse, ive just been to Evening Prayer. I lit an early candle in church for Noah and we all prayed for you and Noah. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hi Lighthouse, so sorry things are tough for you at the moment. I can totally identify with how you're struggling at the moment... I've just passed Gregor's first missed birthday and anniversary and wednesday was the first week for about two weeks that i've been able to face taking/collecting my ds1 from school. You just have to get through each hour of each day at the moment and do what you need to do. I'll also be thinking of you and Noah tomorrow xx btw Ds1's best friend is called Noah - lovely name choice, much love to you and yours xx

Glad to see you too Crumpette x

Hi all.

Lighthouse - Sorry to hear about losing the baby. I don't think you are, but please don't underestimate the loss that is felt when you miscarry. I have had a few friends who have found it hard to come to terms with their mc's. Like you mentioned, from the day you find out you are pg you excitedly talk about the sex, names, school's etc etc. Then it all comes crashing down, and what with the grief you are already coping with - it can be the straw that breaks the camels back. I'll be thinking of you and your darling Noah tomorrow xxx

Che - If I could send you a dream with a well Billie in, I would xxx

Thanks to those of you who responded to my request to sign my petition. Apologies for not coming back sooner to say so, but have had a lot of time taken up talking to a journalist. It's supposed to be going in a Big Title, but just have to wait and see.

NinaJane - deepest sympathies. I've seen enough posts from bereaved mothers to realise it's our lot to live with guilt, whatever we tell ourselves or others say about it not being our fault. It's only natural to go over and over what happened, and I too feel awful because my son died in agony. His bowels were destroyed by an infection that is fairly common in low weight premature babies. As I was a first-time mother, and they(twin boys) were so tiny, I was afraid to touch him and we have very few photos because it didn't feel right at the time to photograph them. I'm haunted by his death and would do things differently if I had my chance again. I know I would have given my life to save his, I desperately wanted to, and at times I feel I would give my life now for the chance to hold him, kiss him and to tell him how much he meant to me.

The new thread title is beautiful, I always associate sunflowers with my Thomas, always sang 'You are my sunshine' to him.

Lighthouse, so sorry to hear of your little boy and your MC.

It's coming up to 6 years since I lost my little boy, and I too had a recent MC and as well as grieving for that loss, it seemed to bring back & intensify the grief for my son. It was also very close to his birthday that it happened, which made a very difficult time to get through.

As for the guilt, I have had a lot of that surrounding my little Thomas's illness and death, we had to make a lot of decisions and will always think 'what if', even though deep down I know that at the time we did what we thought was best.

My Aunty also lost her 6 year old boy to cancer when I was 15 and I know she felt so much guilt about all kind of things. I wondered then why she blamed herself when it was out of her control but Oh, I so totally understand now. At the time when he first showed signs of illness his Mum and Dad were at a loss to know what was wrong but knew something wasn't right. They asked me to have a casual chat with him as he used to follow me around everywhere when they visited. They thought he was being bullied at school and hoped he might open up to me. I think what I'm trying to get at is that no one would possibly think there was something SOOO wrong with their child when it could be any number of things, and probably every bereaved parent feels some sort of guilt after their child dies. I know this won't help anyone here and I am so guilty of it too, I often kiss my son's picture and tell him I'm sorry.

Oh Emma - my DS3 - Matt was so funny - I used to sing to him....You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey.............I sang it to him when he was sulking - he was like me, he loved to sulk. He would come right up to me and say 'shut up Mam!!' and then do a massive fart LOL.......he was so funny - loved toilet humour and anything to do with poo, wee or farts!!!!

OMG I miss my boys....I think we all feel guilt - I think, with hindsight, we all know just what we would have done. Thing is my friends, nobody thinks a precious baby will die, NOBODY - I have just lit my amazing candle. Its a ceramic circle - in the top you put a block of scented wax and in the bottom you put a tiny candle. I have got vanilla scented wax in the top and raspberry tea lights underneath - it smells so good - good enough to eat.

I would like to wish precious Noah a very happy 2nd birthday and for all of us and our amazing children/grandchildren/siblings who are no longer physically here - I would like to wish them peace and love xxxxxxxx

When my grandbaby sees my candle lit tomorrow he will sing 'Acchy irthday u u acchy irthday u u... and I will encourage him and get him to say Noah....good night my dear friends xxx

Good morning all , a candle is lit here for Noah xx

Hi Lighthouse - thinking of you and your Noah today xxx

Hi Che - my dd2 is 11 now and she is always complaining of one pain or another. She cries with the same intensity for everything, whether it is a paper cut or a gaping, blood-spurting wound.

I often tell her that she must adjust her crying to the soreness of the injury so that I can know how serious it is. She often complains of aches in her legs and joints and I always tell her that they are only growing pains - thank you for sharing what happened to Billie - I shall now be less flippant about her complaints.

I often dreamt about Sydney in the year following her death - mostly nightmares. I remember one dream where I dreamt that I was at a railway station - I was frantically running from one platform to the next and kept on missing my train - I was lugging a huge suitcase with me and a dead Sydney was inside it. In another dream, I dreamt that I was in some kind of a dark dungeon and that I was cuddling a little kitten, but the next moment the kitten was the decomposing little body of my baby.

I am glad that I do not have these nightmares anymore, but after they stopped, I never dreamt about Sydney again - not one dream in 11 years