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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Nancy, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: Can you move over here please?

358 replies

LilRedWG · 16/11/2009 12:09

The bloody site just deleted another huge message I'd typed on the thread so can we start this new one please so that I'm allowed on?

I'm not retyping as it made me cry the first time around, surfice to say that you are all in my thoughts. xxx

Thank you ladies.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 17/11/2009 12:24

Hi LilRed, sorry you have been having problems. Was it just that thread? Very odd!
Hope you are coping ok xxx

mumoverseas · 17/11/2009 12:30

weird, I can't post on the old one either

Original poster
LilRedWG · 18/11/2009 12:10

Yeah - you found me!

I'm okayish thanks - how are you?

OP posts:
NancysGarden · 18/11/2009 21:17

Hello - here, just finished posting on old thread, took me about 5 tries how weird. What's that about. How's things all??

x

Sidge · 18/11/2009 21:43

Howdy ladies, did we implode the other thread then?

LilRed wassup lovey? Want to do a summary if you feel up to it and if we can help?

Original poster
LilRedWG · 19/11/2009 10:13

Just the general crapness of it all really Sidge. I feel so low at the moment and am dreading Chrsitmas/Dad's birthday. Just want to hide I guess.

OP posts:
Sidge · 19/11/2009 14:04

LilRed I am sorry you are feeling so low . It's hard enough anyway but Christmas and birthdays/anniversaries etc are so much harder.

Is there anything you would like to do to mark the occasion of your Dad's birthday?

NancysGarden · 19/11/2009 21:19

hugs to you Lilred x

Original poster
LilRedWG · 20/11/2009 10:41

Thanks both. Not sure why so bad at the moment but I think it's the build up to Dad's birthday/Christmas.

I found my Mum's birthday so hard but DD went to MIL for the afternoon and DH was at work so I could just be, but with Dad's birthday being on Christmas Day I can't hide away. It may work well and carry me through the day or it may just make it worse. I guess I won't know until the day.

One thing I am sure of and that is that DD will have a lovely Christmas Day. My Dad always used to say that Christmas Day is all about the children and should be for them and whe is right. DD deserves a lovely day and will have one.

The other thing I am struggling with is that DH and I have decided to start trying for a baby in the New Year and whilst it is what I want, I don't know how I can do it without my Mum and Dad. They were the first people we called when DD was born and they will never even know this baby.

Sorry for whinging on so much later.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilRedWG · 20/11/2009 10:41

lately not later

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 20/11/2009 11:39

LilRed They WILL know sweetie, they will be looking down and watching (hopefully not when you are TTC) but they will know.

I used to get upset about this in that dad died before DD was born and of course with my mum now not meeting DS although of course she knew about him.
I honestly believe there is something up there and that our loved ones are watching over us.

It will be hard for all of us at Christmas LilRed but you more so than the rest of us and I will be thinking of you. Have you thought about doing something completely different this year? If you are normally at home and mum and dad visited you there (as happened with me) then go out somewhere for the day/a few days and do something that you haven't done before.
DD will of course have a lovely day but try to make sure it isn't too painful for you (ie the memories)

Don't ever apologize for whinging on here. Its the one time we are allowed

NancysGarden · 20/11/2009 21:25

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad atm Lilred. But what wonderful news about TTC. It's so positive, and that's a bit of what you need I imagine. My brother and his wife have just announced they are expecting their first baby: we were all so elated, prob partly due to the fact we've all had such a terrible year and it's a new life: something amazing to look forward to.

Like you say, Christmas is for the children and they will be a light for us all and remind us life is worth living.

Original poster
LilRedWG · 22/11/2009 23:24

Thank you both. It's nine months and a couple of minutes since Mum died.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 23/11/2009 08:56

oh LilRed, hugs to you xxx
I know exactly how you feel.
I got really upset a few days ago when I went out on the shopping bus (as I'm a mere female I'm not allowed to drive here!)
On the way back a couple of the women were talking about their mums and it turned into a whinging session. They were complaining about such petty little things, like their mums always talking about siblings children and moaning about having to see them at Christmas and doing their 'duty'.
I had to bite my tongue not to scream at them that I didn't have that 'problem' this year and would have a nice quiet christmas as I'm a bloody orphan. Bitches
Pisses me off on here sometimes that there are threads complaining about mums.

Rant over

DH and I have had a crappy few months and our relationship is seriously rocky. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for the way he was when mum died but I'm trying to move on so we've booked a long weekend in Dubai and go on 2nd December. (just over an hours flight from here) Really need a break (and of course a few glasses/bottles of wine) Can't really afford/justify it but I know I'll be getting a little bit of money from mum in the next few weeks and as an irish catholic she would have wanted me to save my marriage

Hope you are all doing ok x

Original poster
LilRedWG · 23/11/2009 11:45

MOS - I'm sorry that things are so tough with DH at the moment. Hopefully your weekend in Dubai will help on that front. xxx

OP posts:
salvolatile · 23/11/2009 16:19

Hi everyone - LilRed, just an un-MNetty hug, and MOS, I'm so sorry that you are having problems with DG as well as grieving . I don't post here very much (although I lurk a lot) because tbh I just miss my mum so much every day (she died on 31st May in front of me) that I am afraid I will fall apart if I talk about it. It does help so much knowing that this devastated feeling is one shared by all of you, but it doesn't help the absolutely futile, stupid pointless endless feeling that I just 'want my mum' - I was 49 on Friday, so officially a grown-up and even though DH and the DCs remembered , I just kept thinking that that was my 1st birthday without her in the world to love me and remember how stupid is that!

Sidge · 23/11/2009 19:55

Oh Sal it's not stupid at all! It must have been very difficult for you. I hope you had a 'nice' birthday anyway. Those anniversaries are so hard aren't they?

LilRed all the best with TTC - I know when my nephew was born 6 months after Dad died it was such a moment of joy after all the sadness. I do hope that wherever Dad is, he has seen him.

Mumoverseas - sorry your DH hasn't been as supportive as you need. Hope your weekend away is valuable and you anjoy being wined, dined and

mumoverseas · 24/11/2009 08:58

Sal belated birthday wishes. I know it must have been hard for you. I just want to cancel my birthday this year. DH doesn't normally make a fuss and to be honest that is just what I need now, no fuss but I expect he will go over the top to make up for the fact that mum won't be there and of course nothing will make up for that. What makes it worse is the last time I saw mum was on my birthday last year

Sidge hopefully lots of wining and dining but he can forget about 'the other'

Original poster
LilRedWG · 24/11/2009 10:19

Sal, I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much.

It does sound as though you are bottling a lot up, but you can always talk to us here. I've found it really helps to talk to people who know exactly how I feel and not have to explain why I feel that way. If you need to talk/rant/cry/laugh - we are here. xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
LilRedWG · 24/11/2009 10:20

BTW - I was with both of my parents when they died so if you need to talk about how that felt you can. If you need to email me, my address is [email protected]

OP posts:
NancysGarden · 24/11/2009 20:39

MOS: Know exactly what you mean about finding other people's rants about their parents hard to swallow. I steer clear of those threads.

Sorry things are so hard with your other half. Things have been a bit strained here too of late. It's been 9 or so months and I think because I did just carry on it is expected that I will continue in the same vein. Superwomen we are.

I hope your weekend helps.

Have had 2 migraines in the last week. Feeling the pressure a bit, keeping a lid on it all.

mumoverseas · 25/11/2009 07:09

nancy sorry to read about your migraines. Sounds like you are really stressed too, wonder if its due to christmas creeping up on us and there will be loved ones missing
Hope you feel a bit better soon.

I lost it yesterday on a thread, some silly bitch ranting about her mum doing her washing and ironing for her and taking it home to do it. Said she was lucky she had a mum and wasn't an orphan

mumoverseas · 25/11/2009 11:45

Got an email from the solicitors dealing with mum's estate saying funds are being released (all assets from her bank accounts etc, house is still on market and probably won't sell for a while)
Really odd feeling. Obviously the money will be useful and some will be used to pay DC 1 and 2's school fees in January but feels a bit odd to be getting mum's money.

Also, some advice please. Mum was buried in the family grave with dad and their first son who died 50 years ago. There was an original headstone but then when dad was buried 5 years ago this was taken away and nothing ever done about a new one as mum just wouldn't talk about it.
I hated visiting dad's grave with no stone and obviously its still like that although I've planted flowers and bulbs and put a little windmill on it from the kids.
I want to put some money away to pay for a new gravestone which I believe can't be laid for a few months yet.

Have any of you been through the task of choosing stones yet? I think someone told me a while ago that granite is best but would welcome suggestions. Also, any idea of costs? It would need to be big enough for 3 lots of inscriptions. Final question, does it really have to be a year (would be June) or can it be sooner? I'd imagine it will take a while to be made though?

Really value any information you may have x

Original poster
LilRedWG · 25/11/2009 16:24

Nancy - sorry about the migraines. I do think it is the impending holidays which are making us all worse. I'm fedup of people asking if I'm looking forward to Christmas and expecting me to smile through it all.

MOS - no advice on the headstone I am afraid as Mum and Dad were cremated so we have no grave.

Not sure if you all remember that I went ot Centerparcs with ILs in the week between Mum's death and funeral, but they are returning this weekend and we declined to go, but are meant to be going down for the day on Sunday and leaving DD overnight. I've already made it known that I may not go as I just can't face being back there in case it brings back memories from that time. Not sure whether to go or not.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 26/11/2009 15:23

LilRed of course you probably won't want to go to CP. Christ, are they insensitive or what! If your DD wants to go and you are happy with that, maybe your DH can take her down there and you can spend a day at a spa being pampered
Some people are so bloody thoughtless. xx

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