to find it really sad when people wish their DC away

[shakeshakeit]

With people literally counting every hour until they go back to school and they don't have to deal with them anymore. I find that really sad to read, yes children fight and are hard work but surely you knew that when you had them? Do people not enjoy spending time with the children and being able to do what they want rather than stuck in a rota every day? Some people can't have children, some people have lost children - do these individials give a moments though about others feelings when they plaster all over their facebook "kids are a nightmare, cant wait until they are back in school" etc every day of the holidays moan moan about the children. Are people not AWARE of what children are like when they got pregnant? And if not then if they are such a nightmare aparently then why after one have more - and in the case of my facebook example have 5. I have friends who have had IVF and adopted - they appreciate time with their children much more, perhaps because they realise what its like to be blessed to have children, even if they are bloody hard work - its part of the package.

WTF???

Yunno, i'm really getting bloody sick of people putting bereaved parents in a corner and hiding them away, out of sight out of mind. 'Oh... this makes me feel a bit awkward and i'd rather not have to face it, so lets put it where it can't really be seen to cause offence'

There was a reason OP put this in AIBU. And that sure as hell wasn't so it could be moved here.

But hey... some people felt uncomfortable, and we musn't upset them, must we?

There's a reason that people have the option of hiding threads. I suggest some posters learn how to use that function rather then running off to whinge to MNHQ that a bereaved parent has offended their sensibilities.

Dee - Is that how it is though, or did it get moved to protect the OP from the people who had not read the whole thing and came on to make (retrospectively) flippant remarks?

Personally I think the OP was right to come on AIBU and actually I think she was not at all U. I often look at my wee boy when he is being a ratbag and think 'here but for the grace of god'. And when people moan about their children and put farm them out to others to look after I do wonder why. (But that could start a whole new thread...)

Deemented - I agree with you.

Bereavement takes many forms - one of the saddest things is that because we (society) don't know how to deal with it we hide it away. Death and coping with it is part of the life cycle - pretending it does not exist shows emotional immaturity.

I sincerely hope I die before my children, but if I don't I would not like to have to temper my grief because I thought it might offend other people.

It is not unreasonable to hate it when people wish the kids were back at school ( for what ever reason), but then neither is it unresaonable to wish that you still were able to have that feeling or to be angry at the circumstances that lead you to not being one of those people. You are right to hang your grief wherever you want. In your shoes I would be the same.

Deemented, I really don't think you are helping the OP's situation by getting so angry. This post didn't 'offend' me (can only speak for myself). I read the OP, skim-read the rest (I am sorry for that) and thought the OP sounded barmy. In retrospect, with full knowledge of her situation, I feel terrible for her and I can totally and completely understand why she is feeling the way she feels. Anger is a huge part of the grieving process, as anyone who has lost someone knows.

I do think AIBU was a completely inappropriate place for this thread, though (not blaming the OP for posting there, but I think it was entirely right that the thread should be moved). AIBU isn't a touchy-feely place. It just isn't. And if you ask 'AIBU?" you usually get a frank answer (which you may not like). And frank answers arent really want the OP wnats or needs, are they?

I don't think anyone really wants to offend someone who has recently lost their child. I'm certainly sorry if I have upset the OP. But I do think people who are feeling the raw, God-awful pain of bereavement should have a place to shelter on MN - and AIBU ain't it.

Is that not her choice? Sometimes grief wants to shout and spoil for a fight.

Yes, it's her choice. But she will have to accept that AIBU is AIBU. That people don't always read whole threads. That lots of parents are tearing their hair out after 6 weeks at home with their kids and will disagree with what they perceive her point to be (not knowing her full story).

Any of us in the OP's position would feel the same. If you want to rage at the unfairness of it all, I'll listen.

'But hey... some people felt uncomfortable, and we musn't upset them, must we? '

I think AIBU wasn't the place for this thread. It made me think the OP was having a go at me for wanting dd to go back to school. DD is going to die. How many people get to live day by day with the knowledge that each night might be the last?
Its possible when she does go I will regret sending her to school. But right now with 24 hour care I need a break without being made to feel guilty.
Do I think some parents should be more grateful they have walking talking children who aren't going to die? Yes I do. Would I start an AIBU thread about it? No. It would be inappropriate and in the wrong place.
And people would say so too.

I agree the first few posters did not know the full story and were made to feel uncomfortable about their original answers. However how many of us would have read the thread if it had been put in the breavement topic?

I don't think that I am the only person to have thought - yep can't wait, and then revised my opinion when I realised how lucky I am to be able to spend time with my children. I am thankful that she had the strength to make me and others realise how lucky we are to be parents. It would not have had the same effect if it had been put in a touchy feely "bereavement" thread. Most people would have put a "so sorry for your loss" type post and thought no more of it. Tonight when I tuck mine into bed I will feel truly blessed, where as if I had read a "I am feeling down" thread I probably would have thought no more about it.

Yunno, i can't speak on behalf of the OP, but i think i can say with a fair degree of certainty as a bereaved parent that people can and will say what they like, and it can't really hurt us anymore because we've been hurt so much already that the words won't even break the surface.

If it is indeed the case that the OP requested this thread to be moved, then fair enough. But some clarification from MNHQ would be appreciated.

Why did she put it here though deemented. It was obvious everyone was going to pile in and have a go. And then feel guilty. I wonder if that is what she wanted? Surely not.

Now I feel guilty for feeling knackered about dd.
I think I'll stop reading this thread.

Its moved hasn't it....not in AIBU anymore. Didn't notice that.

Riven Please don't feel guilty. Knowing that your child is going to die is an awful thing to have to live with. I can't say that i've been in your shoes, but i've worn similar, if only for seven short months and it was hell on earth.

Maybe the OP was right to post on AIBU, maybe she wasn't. One things for sure is that there is a distinct lack of tolerance for bereaved parents and parents with children with terminal and life limiting ilnesses out there.

Why should you feel guilty? Nobody spends 24/7 with their children - and note I am not at the moment because we all need our space.

School is great, the holidays are great, being a parent is great ( most of the time), but I still think that the OP has every right to put her thread in a shouty opinionated part of the board. So it makes people feel uncomfortable - but at least we all thought about it.

dee "One things for sure is that there is a distinct lack of tolerance for bereaved parents and parents with children with terminal and life limiting ilnesses out there. " Do you really think so I am not in that position admittedly but IME people are hugely sympathetic.

I've started my own thread because this is doing my head in. Agree that when you tell people your child is life limited they tend to never come back.

Yes, Omni, i do.

And that's just it... it's not sympathy a bereaved person needs... it's empathy and there's a huge difference between the two. Sympathy implies pity, and i don't need that. I need someone to say that although they may not understand how i feel, that it's ok to feel it.

I think sometimes that people are afraid that the death/illness of a child is somehow catching, that their child may be next.

A lot of it is simple ignorance though. When my firstborn twin died i lost count of the 'Ah well, at least you still have the other one'. And that made me feel soooo much better

I think it's good to get the occasional reminder that we should be aware of the gift of having our children in our lives.

Of course we lose patience, get tired and forget how lucky we are, but we are f*cking lucky - those of us who have healthy children.

So very sorry for your loss shakeshakeit.

and all the other bereaved parents on this thread

''The op is grief stricken but has made a mistake with this thread and it is causing unnecessary bad feeling among other posters.''
unbelievable. Perhaps AIBU was not the best place to post the thread but the OP probably had a good reason for it. I am (un?)fortunate to have had the great support of some bereaved mums on here, but the above opinion is completely typical of pretty much everyone who I have met who doesn't have personal experience of the loss of a child. When my DD died I told some friends and have never heard back from them, I have emailes others and never had a reply, my colleagues told me it was 'wrong' and 'weird' to bring pictures of DD (while she was well and pretty and smiling) to work, bereaved mums are made to feel like they should shut up and hide away in some corner as if it's contagious or something. I just personally think the thread shouldn't be hidden away just because it made some people uncomfortable- if it makes you uncomfortable, stop reading it and go somewhere else.
As for the original point I had a year of DD being a well and normal baby and during that time I was never apart from her but did love it when she was having a nap etc, I think it is natural to like a break but of course now I would do anything to have her back with me and making a noise and trashing the place. It makes me angry when people don't realise how blessed they are to have their DCs with them for a second as, sadly, we never know what tomorrow will bring.

But lack of empathy isn't lack of tolerance is it? I think people do care they just don't know how to do it the best way. However you clearly have more experience in this than me And as I don't know what to say I suspect I have proved you right.

Dandy - I think that if she had it would not have prevoked the same reaction.... I would have just read it with sympathy and not empathy (good distinction Dee). I was - I freely admit - in the YAY the sods are back at school camp. Then when I was forced to look at what I may have lost it challenged my perspective. If I had known her child had died it would not have got the same response.

By not saying her child had died she has done me a great service by making me appreciate what I have. I thank her for it.