Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

to find it really sad when people wish their DC away

206 replies

shakeshakeit · 04/09/2009 14:34

With people literally counting every hour until they go back to school and they don't have to deal with them anymore. I find that really sad to read, yes children fight and are hard work but surely you knew that when you had them? Do people not enjoy spending time with the children and being able to do what they want rather than stuck in a rota every day? Some people can't have children, some people have lost children - do these individials give a moments though about others feelings when they plaster all over their facebook "kids are a nightmare, cant wait until they are back in school" etc every day of the holidays moan moan about the children. Are people not AWARE of what children are like when they got pregnant? And if not then if they are such a nightmare aparently then why after one have more - and in the case of my facebook example have 5. I have friends who have had IVF and adopted - they appreciate time with their children much more, perhaps because they realise what its like to be blessed to have children, even if they are bloody hard work - its part of the package.

OP posts:
Crablass · 04/09/2009 16:01

Just read the thread fully and sweetpea, I now completely understand why you feel this way and am sending thoughts of peace and strength your way.

xx

QueenOfFuckingEverything · 04/09/2009 16:02

I don't think OMDB had realised what the OP had been through when that post was made. And the 'someone like you' comment is not exactly called for.

Anyway.

Skakeshakeit - So sorry for your loss. YANBU to have those feelings, or to admit to them and want to 'talk' through them. Its brave of you to come out and say how it makes you feel and I can see that really, you do understand that we love our DC too and don't actually 'wish them away'.

Maybe not the best way/place to bring it up, thats all.

OrmIrian · 04/09/2009 16:05

"what could one expect from someone like you..." Hmmm what does that mean?

I suspect the ODMB hadn't fully understood at the time. The OPs post about the death of her child was quite small and could easily have been overlooked.

thumbwitch · 04/09/2009 16:08

I expect anyone who has lost a child must sometimes feel the same way as the OP; just like anyone who has lost their mum must feel the same about the "my mum is being a PITA"; and like Trinity probably feels right now about the "my DH is being a PITA".

I still have active paranoia about something happening to my DS - yesterday he was out with MIL for a walk for a little longer than I was expecting, and then I heard several sirens going past - in seconds, I was imagining the most awful things had happened to DS and MIL - totally paranoid. But little things like that make me more thankful for him.

Glad you were able to release your feelings about it on here, for your loss and I hope you feel more together soon.

dollyparting · 04/09/2009 16:11

It's a difficult one.

My best friend is in a similar situation to shakeshakeit and I have 2 lovely healthy dc.

It has taken a lot of effort from both of us to keep our friendship strong over the years. There have been times when I have upset her by some of the comments I have made, and I know there have been times when she has said things that have hurt me. But because we are friends in RL we could deal with it.

When I had a rant about dd being particulalry irritating, I could see in her eyes that she was thinking somthing along the lines of the opening post. But because it was real life, I could respond to it and we could talk about it properly.

In order for us to be real friends we have had to have a few difficult discussions. Alternatively I could have pretended that everything in my life was blissful mummy-world, and she could have pretended that everything in her life was ideal child free sophistication. But it would not have been honest and our friendship would have withered.

MN is great, but sometimes we need the RL context and contact as well.

travellingwilbury · 04/09/2009 16:17

shakeit , I presume I must know you under a different guise , if so please come and have a rant to me . You sound in a very dark place at the minute and if I can help in any way I will .

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 04/09/2009 16:18

I think if somebody has lost a child aand is having a day where they are feeling the loss, then they are entitled to express how it is making them feel

I can understand that it makes the OP's blood boil to hear people saying what little bleeders their kids are and how glad they will be when they go back to school

yes, we all know that that's irrational and that we adore our kids - but the OP is in a different space, she's still a mother - but without having her child to mother - I have no idea how that feels and hope I never do. I think we should respect that and let her vent her entirely understandable feelings without being callous in return

Reallytired · 04/09/2009 16:18

School is there to help nuture children and grow. Children are sent to school for their benefit and not as a form of childcare.

chegirl · 04/09/2009 16:18

Shakeit how horrible for you to be hearing people moaning about being with their kids when you cant be with yours. They dont mean it. They dont know what its like to lose a child so they could not possibly understand - thank God they dont, I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

I know you would give anything to have your DC running around and pestering you.

AIBU is not the best place to post when you are feeling like this.

I am surrounded by my kids and they are driving me nuts. I cant wait for them to go back to school. That doesnt stop me yearning for my DD with all my heart though. In fact this time of year, with all the kids going back, new school uniforms, new stationary etc is one of the worst times for me. One less uniform to buy, no arguments over horrible school shoes...

Sorry you are feeling so bad. Dont expect non bereaved parents to understand. They cant. Its impossible for even the loveliest, most empathetic people to imagine the pain.

I wish there was more I could say to help but words are not adequate.

x

ineedalifechange · 04/09/2009 16:27

shakeit
I don't even know what to say.
How are you today?

I am so unbelievable sad for you and sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, but please keep on posting on here and talking to us - we want to know how you are.

Do you want to tell us a little bit about your child? I'd love to hear about her xx

2shoes · 04/09/2009 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

abra1d · 04/09/2009 16:47

I adore my children but both they and I admit that they are ready to be back at school. My son has been off since 4 July. We've run out of money and ideas. I need space. He and his sister need their friends and routine.

That's not being a bad parent; that's being honest about a relationship.

ineedalifechange · 04/09/2009 16:57

anyone heard from shakeit today, is she ok?

have left a message for her on the bereavement boards. I hope she is alright.

She did get a bit of a battering and I know why everyone got uptight, but I guess she wasn't being angry at the other posters, but the fact that she couldn't feel like that anymore, she couldn't get the chance to get annoyed with her child anymore, etc.

(And I'm not having a go at anyone there, just wondering out loud if thats why)

I can't imagine how she is feeling.

LeQueen · 04/09/2009 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedalifechange · 04/09/2009 17:40

I WANT TO BE IN A BOUTIQUE HOTEL WITH BUBBLES. (but not with you, no offence)

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 04/09/2009 17:42

only read the OP so this might have been said..

'With people literally counting every hour until they go back to school and they don't have to deal with them anymore. I find that really sad to read, yes children fight and are hard work but surely you knew that when you had them? Do people not enjoy spending time with the children and being able to do what they want rather than stuck in a rota every day?'

I didn't with my older 3, in fact, I home edicated them. But dd2 requires 24 hour care. There's no let up, no sitting down while she plays. Its conatsnt.
Walk in those shoes a bit and see how much you look forward to school!

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 04/09/2009 17:43

but I don't 'wish her away'. Mainly because she isn't going to live till adulthood. But I do look forward to breaks from her.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 04/09/2009 17:47

ah, just read the thread. I can sympathise shakeit because I will lose dd and sometimes I feel people with 'normal' children don't appreciate them enough But everyone needs a break and children need to be off doing stuff.

warthog · 04/09/2009 17:48

i'm so sorry shakeshakeit.

we all need to express how we're feeling and mnet is the perfect place. i hope you've managed to let off a bit of steam.

i do try and count my blessings every day. unfortunately sometimes life does get a little bit too much, even for the best of us.

best thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge how you feel to those you can trust.

Mamazon · 04/09/2009 17:57

quality over quantity in my opinion.

i love my children dearly, but yes i am looking forward to getting them back into the routine of school.
and to be able to have some time to get things done without having to supervise them as well.

sayithowitis · 04/09/2009 17:58

Clearly the OP is feeling the loss of her child very keenly. And therefore, when she hears/sees/reads about other parents getting wound up with their children, she is going to feel upset. Because she would give anything to have the chance to be in our position. It is no different when we read on here about people having a rant about their DH/Parents/Ils etc. There will always be someone who is feeling a loss, maybe recent, maybe not and who feels we are being ungrateful for what we have. I know I sometimes feel like that when I hear about people getting cross with their dads. What wouldn't I give just to have the chance to tell my dad how much I love him, just one more time? The thing is though, that we do all have those days when the children do get to us and we do shout at them or rant on here about them. That is normal. The saddest thing is that the OP didn't have the chance to experience that for herself.

Tee2072 · 04/09/2009 18:14

I had trouble conceiving my son, although we didn't have to use IVF in the end. He is 12 weeks old.

I offer to post him to my mum in the States at least once a month, when I've been up 3 nights in a row and DH has major meetings at work and so he can't take a day off to help and give me a break. We have no family nearby to help and all my friends also work.

So, yes, get off your high horse.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 04/09/2009 18:15

Tee please would you read the whole thread

MrsSantoslovestheBBC · 04/09/2009 18:23

First baby was IVF. I love the very bones of her but we are a bit bored of each other now and she wants a routine and her little friends back and I want some breathing space again. Little kids are hard work esp when you don't have a retinue of grandparents/aunts and other free childminding people on hand.

I think it is bizarre to claim IVF babies are loved more. My second child was a surprise - do I love her less because she wasn't IVF????

MrsSantoslovestheBBC · 04/09/2009 18:25

Sorry - page loaded upside down and didn't see about loss. I am very sorry for the unimaginable pain of that loss.