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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

234 replies

NancysGarden · 24/05/2009 23:06

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

OP posts:
Original poster
NancysGarden · 28/10/2009 20:02

Hello ladies

How are you all?

I am very sad to tell you my Grandfather passed away last night. He had gone downhill rapidly over the last 2 weeks and wasn't eating or even drinking water. The medication was making him hallucinate and he was very uncomfortable.

I am so thankful Mum and I visited him late last night: that we had a chance to reassure him and tell him we love him. (Although we didn't realise we were saying goodbye.)

I feel very numb, but at least that is keeping me going and able to be strong for poor Mum.

Think of you all often
x

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LilRedWG · 29/10/2009 09:40

Oh Nancy, I am so sorry for you, losing your darling Grandad and for your Mum too. Your Mum is very lucky to have you there for her, but please do make sure that you take time to grieve yourself.

Much love. xxx

Original poster
NancysGarden · 29/10/2009 11:17

Thank you Lilred
xx

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mumofsatan · 29/10/2009 15:11

Nancy I'm so very sorry that you've suffered another loss. I'm glad you and your mum got to see your grandfather before he passed away. As LilRed has said, you need to ensure that you find time to grieve.

I've been meaning to post on here for a few weeks but have been having a bit of a bad time recently. Last Friday was exactly 5 years since dad died and exactly 5 months since I lost mum. Am dreading this Christmas

Original poster
NancysGarden · 30/10/2009 11:38

Hi MOS (it is you isn't it?)

thank you for your message. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

xx

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2shoescreepingthroughblood · 30/10/2009 11:50

NancysGarden so sorry to hear about your grandad
sending you love xx

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 30/10/2009 11:52

mumofsatan christmas is going to be odd this year I aggree.
This time last year it was all begining, it seems weird to think that it all happened so quick.

mumofsatan · 30/10/2009 12:14

Hi, sorry Nancy, yes its me in my halloween disguise

I totally agree 2shoes. Dreading christmas and am so glad we will be in saudi for christmas (back to UK 27th December) as last year we were home and mum stayed with us so at least we'll be doing something completely different this year

Starting to feel very angry and bitter now which isn't healthy I know. It turns out that my two brothers knew mum wasn't answering the phone for over a day and a half before one of them drove down to check on her and found her dead. He said that he'd got fed up with all the false alarms, ie her not hearing the phone. Feel so angry that they made that decision not to check or phone her neighbours who are great and would have popped around. She was collapsed on the floor (diabetic) and I keep thinking that if they'd bothered to make that call she'd still be alive now. Feel more angry because last Christmas, in fact boxing day when mum was with us we went in with a cup of tea in the morning and she was collapsed on the floor (diabetes related again). I was in a panic of course and we got her all stabalised and later that day (the last day I ever saw her and also my birthday) she went to my brothers for a few days. I told him about her collapse and he 'joked' that we should have left her a few more hours then we wouldn't have the 'problem' of who would have her with us next christmas. Of course mum was hard work but I loved her and am now starting to wonder whether they deliberately didn't check on her for nearly 2 days? sounds terrible doesn't it but I can't help thinking it

Original poster
NancysGarden · 31/10/2009 20:56

Hi 2shoes x

Christmas will be strange this year: I'm thinking doing something different will be a good way to embrace the change. I'm thinking of inviting my sister's in-laws to London for Christmas as she is overseas and I know they miss their Grandson and are fond of our LO. Not something I've done before. It'd be nice for DD as well as she now has only one remaining Grandparent (my Mum). A big gathering.

What a year.

I'm sorry MOS to hear about your brothers. I feel similarly about the situation with my Grandad - if only they hadn't threatened to take away his night care, he wouldn't have become so anxious and might have continued to be stable and might have agreed to go into hospital for the chest drain he should have had instead of refusing to eat. But ultimately I will never know if there could have been a different outcome. But at this stage I'm not sure it's helpful to think like that.

We just have to take comfort in the thought that our loved ones are no longer in pain.

xx

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LilRedWG · 01/11/2009 10:32

Sory to hear about your brothers MOS and also your situation/concerns Nancy. You take care of yourselves.

I guess I'm on the other side of it all - I'm the one who withdrew treatment and I don't think I will ever forgive myself, even though I know logically that it was the right thing to do and my siblings all agreed with me.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas at all but will suck it up for DD as she is so excited - she is three and a half. Dad's birthday is Christmas Day.

Original poster
NancysGarden · 01/11/2009 11:02

Oh Lilred - we had to withdraw treatment with Dad as we were advised to: it was cruel to do otherwise. It is heart-breaking. But the only thing we could do under the circumstances too.

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mumofsatan · 01/11/2009 14:15

oh LilRed and Nancy, you had no choice but to withdraw treatment. Surely the doctors would only suggest it if it was the kindest and only thing to do in the circumstances? You have to forgive yourself LilRed, as Nancy said, it would be cruel not to.

It will be hard for you on your dad's birthday but like me, you have to suck it up for DD. My DD has just turned 3 last month so almost the same age and this will be the first christmas that she will really understand what is going on. Hopefully they will keep us distracted.
We should have a 'meet up' on here on Christmas day and raise a glass to our missing loved ones

LilRedWG · 01/11/2009 18:40

Sounds like a plan. A virtual Christmas toast. x

Thank you both.

LilRedWG · 06/11/2009 13:20

Nine months today since Dad left us.

2shoes · 06/11/2009 17:13

I was just in the ketchen and saw the soap on the side, we brought it at my dads as he had run out dh got it and it isn't one I like so I use it rarely,for some reason it brought it all back, my dear old dad being "odd" changing, he was always the cleanest of people yet there he was with no soap!!
I miss him so much, he was always in my corner, even if I was wrong, Dad was still on my side iynwim, he would call me and my DB the children(we are so not children now) always made me smile.
O h to ring him now and hear his voice.......

Original poster
NancysGarden · 07/11/2009 19:17

I remember Dad arriving at LO's bday party last year and saying he needed to go for a walk and other such strange things. He managed to pull it together and put on his best pirate's impression for the occasion. He was sorely missed last weekend at this year's bash.

Nearly 9 months here too. The only other time I've had such a long separation from dear Dad was when I went backpacking in my 20s.

I'd love to hear his voice too.

Thinking of you all xx

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mumofsatan · 08/11/2009 12:24

hello ladies,
LilRed and Nancy, sorry about the anniversarys, they are really hard. Odd that both my mum and dad died on the 23rd, not a nice day now.
2shoes, its the little things like the soap that get me. I can still 'hear' mum and dad if that makes sense.
was a bit sad today as my gorgeous little man is exactly 9 months and I know mum and dad would have loved him. I still feel guilty sometimes that I didn't return to the UK sooner so mum could have met him but of course I had no idea she would die so suddenly.
we've got 'mass' here on Thursday (catholic priest has been smuggled out) so will go and have a 'talk' with mum and show her my little man.

Take care everyone xxx

2shoes · 09/11/2009 09:29

what a lovely idea to talk to yout mum.
I went down to see my brother at half term, we could only afford it cos of the money from dad, It wasn't the best fun ever, but I know my dad would have been so pleased that we did it.

Original poster
NancysGarden · 10/11/2009 20:25

It's the funeral tomorrow. I'm to do a reading not sure if I will manage it.

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Original poster
NancysGarden · 10/11/2009 22:05

Forget that: I am doing it, have found the reading I'll be fine

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mumofsatan · 11/11/2009 12:24

hi Nancy, have only just seen this and not sure if you'll have already gone.
I hope today goes well, (as well as they can go). I'm sure you can do it.
If you remember, I had to do two readings at mum's funeral, one during the mass and the final reading at the burial. I thought I couldn't do it but I did. I viewed it as the final thing I could do for her as neither of my (older) brothers would do it.

Take care xxx

Original poster
NancysGarden · 12/11/2009 17:43

I do remember MOS, and i remember saying the same/similar to you! I managed it: in fact all 5 of us did, as did Mum.

xxx

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 13/11/2009 10:44

Testing, testing, one, two, three....

LilRedWG · 13/11/2009 10:45

Sorry for my absence ladies but the thread was not letting me post. The lovely Helen at MNHQ has hopefully sorted me out now.

Love to you all. x

LilRedWG · 13/11/2009 10:48

Well done on the reading Nancy. xx