Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

[NancysGarden]

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

MOS, I'm for you as regards your Dh. He sounds like an arse right now when he ought to be supporting you entirely. I'm so sorry for you. I too would be wanting to fill a bus with sentimental items...you are very brave. Take care.

Dads funeral is on Monday starting with leaving their house at 12.30, 1pm at Church for the Requiem Mass, 3pm for the cremation and around 4pm for the celebration of Dads life and Champagne. I have yet to write my piece for him and just hope that I can get through it in front of what we hope will be 60 friends and family. I want the whole world to know how I feel about my wonderful Gentle Gentleman of a Dad.
As for support. I am, it would appear, everyone elses support. I've been doing all the doing iyswim. I'll manage. I'm my Dads daughter after all... .

i was going to post earlier, but the adverts were playing up LilRedWG we are going through the money thing. I got a letter last week telling me how much I was getting.
even though my Dad wanted me to have it, I cried. I want him not his money.
I am dreading september 28th.
what will I do, I can't ring him and get us all to sing to him

just decided I will visit his grave and see if I can get in the church to light a candle.

Mumoverseas - I really do feel for your sadness at the house this morning : I am emptying mum's house slowly every weekend, and having to go through letters and cards and photos (and she kept everything is painful but I have to decide what to chuck. The clothes went a couple of weeks ago but today I saw her slippers which made me well up all over again I just feel stupefied by grief and that the house clearance will never end......

2shoes, I never thought of those days. Days when you should feel happy, wanting to get the Dc's singing over the phone I'm really sad as Dd only started to sing 'HB' this Summer and it was Dads birthday in March, so he didn't have the pleasure of her singing especially for him.
I spent a couple of hours in my own house today on my own and was of course 'thinking' and thinking about Dad. I know he knows I love him, but I don't know if he knows how much I love him. I hope he does.

MOS, my Dad also kept everything. Even receipts from 30 years ago. It has been very wearing sorting through it and the shredding! I have realised how alike we were/are which I didn't realise to the fullest extent. I must change! and I must sort out my own paperwork!
Lord, I miss my Dad...

Thanks for your lovely kind words ladies.

solo & sal my mum sounds very much like your dad and mum in that she kept EVERYTHING!
Over the last few months I've brought back bags and boxes of papers to sort through (my brothers would have just chucked the lot out) and I'm amazed by what I'm finding. Receipts and papers dating back to the 50's. Newspaper cuttings, some of which appear to have no relevance and the other day I found an envelope stuffed full of the old style £20 notes which were in with loads of random stuff.
It is funny though some of the things they keep and its very emotional going through it all. Mum seems to have kept every birthday and mothers day card I (and then my kids) ever sent her and I found lots of copies of newspapers articles when I'd been in the paper (I got a commendation when in the police force and a few reports in various papers and then when I started my first job as a lawyer there was an article and photo of me with other lawyers at the firm) can't believe she kept all that!

I have already had to promise my eldest children (16 and 13) that I will get rid of lots of my crap and leave the important things somewhere obvious. DD1 (13) is already trying to convince me to give her all my jewellery now

sal it is so hard deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. I've sorted a few boxes out but picked more up yesterday and am going to have to leave most of it now until I return to the UK at the end of December and until then it will just remain in the dining room. Its very hard going through it all, very emotional. Just take it slowly and do it bit by bit. Some of the things I found triggered some happy memories in an otherwise sad task.
solo I will be thinking of you monday. It will be a very long and emotional day but you will be strong and get through it.
We had mums mass at 10.30am at the catholic church that she'd attended for the last 10 years or so since they 'retired' down to the coast and then the burial 50 miles away in the aftenoon at the family grave.
You WILL get through reading your piece. I was scared I couldn't get through it without breaking down but it did. I read two poems that my mum had written when her first son died aged 3. Very very emotional about meeting again at the gates of heaven. I have a baby boy (now aged nearly 7 months) and found it even harder because of that. I read one in the church during mass and one at the grave. As I thought I'd break down I had DD1 (13) come up to the front of the church with me ready to take over if I broke down and she ended up reading the final verse of that one but the one at the graveside I did by myself. It was bloody hard but I HAD to do it. My brothers refused to read anything so I looked at it as the last thing I could do for mum and I had to do her proud and I hope I did.
I think I really only broke down yesterday as the last few months I've been trying to hold it together for the children and clearly needed to let it out.

2shoes, if its not too far away go to the grave. I've been a few times over the last few months and have tried to tidy it a bit. We can't have a gravestone for at least a year so I've planted a few little plants, roses and heather which will hopefully last and last week I planted some daffodil and tulip bulbs which will hopefully brighten it up a little in spring. I also put a lovely bright colourful windmill on from the kids which looks nice.

I feel terrible about the fact that I can't visit over the next few months and then again next spring and yesterday I approached the local florist and she agreed that she could take flowers there for me on anniversaries which made me a little happier.

2shoes I'm assuming you have no gravestone either yet? If not take some nice flowers/plant from you and DH and I don't see why you can't leave him a card. The main thing is, you will be remembering him and he will know that.
Looking forward to seeing you later. Maybe we can sit in the corner and demolish a few bottles of wine and cheer ourselves up

Take care everyone and thank you so much for your support on here, you are my lifeline at the moment x

Hello everyone, I've just been reading through and catching up on all your news. All is well here, the children are now back at school and I am back at work, so the daily grind is back in full swing.

I had my job interview yesterday, it seemed to go well so now I'm just waiting for that phone call when they make their decision! I'm hoping they don't take too long to decide!

solo I am wishing you strength and much love for Monday, it is lovely to see the picture of your dad on your profile. It has prompted me to add a couple of pictures of my dad - I hope you don't all mind me sharing them with you. I am sure Monday will be very difficult for you but I know you will do him proud and give your dad a wonderful remembrance and celebration of his life and how loved he was. I'll be thinking of you.

mumoverseas I hope the clearing up isn't too painful for you. I'm sorry your DH is being such a plonker.

LilRed September is going to be hard for you please come here for support, I know it's not the same as real life support but maybe virtual hugs and emotional support will help!

2shoes and nancy hope you're ok; I found the inheritance thing difficult too. On one hand I can't deny the money will be very useful, but it's money I'd rather not have obviously. I received mine by international money transfer a few weeks ago and have put it in the savings account (which was previously empty LOL). I thought we might have a nice holiday next year with it, I know Dad wouldn't care what I did with it but I don't want to fritter it away on bills and tat.

sal and squonk how are you doing? Hope you are ok.

Thank you all for being here. I haven't quite got round to ringing Cruse yet so you lovely lot are my online bereavement counsellors. I'm sorry we are all here but thankful that we can be here for each other (sorry rather cheesy but I hope you know what I mean!)

Mos
YES we have a stone, it is in a lovely little graveyard, he is there with SM and her sister so not alone, the church is no longer in use, so very quiet, looks out n to fields, and has lots of birds in the tree's.
was lovely to see you and your ds is beautiful(dd lol at the idea of him trying to nick the puddings)

where is Squonk? I hope she is ok

Hi all.

Sorry to have been awol for so long - summer holidays, work, visiting rellies (dad included!) and trying to get ready for college (start tomorrow) has left very little time for any kind of leisure and just about nothing for MN.

Dad is still doing all right. He has another scan in October which will tell us whether he needs to re-start the chemo or not. Will keep you posted.

It's nice to know I was missed.

Am off to read the thread now....

Solo - I am thinking of you today. It is a difficult time but it sounds as though your lovely Dad will be getting a lovely send off. x

2shoes - the graveyard sounds so lovely. Mum and Dad's ashes are together in a garden of rememberance but I haven't been nack yet. I don't know why, but I will one day.

Sidge - fingers crossed for the outcome of the interview.

Squonk - glad that you survived the summer holidays. Fingers will be crossed until your Dad has his scan in October. It may make for difficulties in typing, but hopefully it'll help.

Mumoverseas - hang in there. I'm sorry that you aren't getting the support you need from your DH at the moment.

Sal - good luck with getting the clearance done. We have yet to tackle Mum and Dad's stuff. They shared a house with my sister and her family and my sister doesn't want to do it yet. She says that their stuff around her gives her comfort, which I can understand.

Nancy - I'm glad that your Dad's birthday meal went so well and that you managed to smile.

I'm plodding on. I seem to be incapable of mourning both of my parents at once.

Mum's death followed so swiftly after Dad's, that mourning for Mum seemed to take over, but recently I've started processing Dad's death more and Mum slips from the frame. It's confusing and makes me feel guilty - almost that when I'm thinking of Dad I'm ignoring Mum and vice-versa.

It was seven months yesterday since Dad died and I thought of him lots. I also felt sad that my Mum had such a short time to grieve and spent it all (except for Dad's funeral) in hospital. At least one of us were with her each day, but she should have been at home and allowed to grieve 'properly'.

This is hellish.

Sal - I've just reread that and my post to you seems so hard and clearance such a hard word. I hope that you are not upset and know what I mean. Much love. xx

solo thinking of you today x

squonk fingers crossed for your dad's scan results in October.

I've just got over one hurdle. We went to visit friends in Essex/Suffolk over the weekend and popped into see DH's parents on the way back. It was really hard for me to see them holding my baby boy when it should have been my mum holding him but got through it. Quite a few tears on the M25 home though.
DH and I had an awful argument over the weekend but I think he finally understands that I'm not over mum (or dad) and I won't be for a very long time. Think we have a lot of talking to do but hopefully we'll get there

I got the job

Whoo-hoo!

congratulations Sidge, things are looking up

Congratulations Sidge! (Also in a new job and finding the distraction v helpful)

Solo I hope it went well yesterday. I hope you're ok today.

Thinking of you Lilred, I still can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

Good to hear from you Squonk, glad to hear about your Dad and also wishing you and your family all the best for the results.

Hi to Sal, Mumoverseas and anyone else I've missed.

Thinking of you all
xx

Oh Lilred, of course I wasn't upset - it is clearance in the end, and horribly sad: makes me worried that I am squirrilling away stuff that will cause the same nightmare for my dcs one day...... and mumoverseas, it sounds like your grief is generating some conflict with your dh which is really for you: is there anyone you could turn to for some advice on that?

Hello to everyone else; sorry still not up to typing a lot on the subject at a time: had a howling fit in the car on the way to work this morning so its still a bit sore

Oh Lilred, of course I wasn't upset - it is clearance in the end, and horribly sad: makes me worried that I am squirrilling away stuff that will cause the same nightmare for my dcs one day...... and mumoverseas, it sounds like your grief is generating some conflict with your dh which is really for you: is there anyone you could turn to for some advice on that?

Hello to everyone else; sorry still not up to typing a lot on the subject at a time: had a howling fit in the car on the way to work this morning so its still a bit sore

Thank you all for thinking of us...

It was an absolutely first class funeral. Very original and very classy. I managed to write and read my eulogy to Dad without crying, though it was a close thing. Ds read a poem out and had flooded eyes and running mascara everywhere from friends and family. It was lovely. I don't think I've been to a nicer funeral ~ ever!

Will post some pics soon and tell more, but am a bit drunk on Champagne left over from the party to celebrate Dads life!

Keep chins up ladies.x

How are you all today? Solo - is there any champagne left?

Well done on the eulogy. x

sorry I haven't posted much, I have been laying low after being called a bully on here the other day(mn not this thread)
I now have my dads money, it was soo wierd yesterday, i so wanted to ring him and tell him, It was the same when his house sold, and when we booked to go and see db.
I hate it, I want to speak to him......

One bottle of Champers left LilRed

2shoes, how sad for you. I have this 'knowing' that Dad's not with us anymore in the physical sense, so I haven't expected to see him or speak with him, but I'm sure it'll happen
I've been staying at Mums for a while now, but reality must occur at some point and I will have to leave Mum on her own to continue life ~ and us also. I guess it'll be then that I'll forget he's gone momentarily...

I hope you are all ok.

i am feeling a bit better today, we went an ordered a new fridge frezzer and washig machine today, Dad would have approved.
I am seeing my brother tommorow, hopefully he will behave,

2shoes - I hope that your brother behaved himself.

SOLO - there are moments when you feel that you have 'forgotten', but you never will really forget, you just think of other things at the same time if that makes sense.

It's Mum and Dad's 52nd wedding anniversary today, so please all raise a glass to them. They had the most fantastic 50th anniversary party.

clink!! raising my glass LilRed.(it's me solo)

It was more that I think I'll forget that Dad has gone and expect to see him sitting in his chair...

I keep seeing 'things' out of the corner of my eye. I'm pretty sure it's Dad.
I was imagining him playing cricket in the beautiful place no aches and pains...no cancer, lots of hair I bet he's having a great time

I have two messages on my home phone of/from Dad and I listened to them yesterday. Was so lovely to hear his voice. I miss him so much right now.