Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

[NancysGarden]

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

Hi LilRed. I'm ok. Still quite tearful from time to time and I feel like a part of me has died inside too

My tolerance level for people whingeing and moaning about what are IMO trivial things is really low, which is something I'm having to watch! I also feel that because it's been a while now since Dad died (7 months tomorrow) nobody mentions him or asks how I am.

I don't expect nonstop tea and sympathy, after all life goes on doesn't it - but it would be nice for my feelings to be acknowledged in some way. DH is very good but goes to sea again soon.

On a brighter note I have a job interview next week! Keep your fingers crossed for me

Forgot to say - how are you today? Hope you feel better now.

You will always get an ear here Sidge. x

Oooo - job interview - exciting stuff. Tell me more.

Well I am a school nurse at the mo.

Pluses - school hours term time only. Can manage my own time to a degree so fairly flexible.

Cons - working school hours means no me time AT ALL - either at work or with the girls! Commute to work, only 14 miles but can take up to 40 minutes depending on traffic. Spend up to 3 hours a day in the car so am getting lardy. And most important of all - don't particularly like the job; fine for someone who likes office work, meetings and reports but not for me.

Interview is for a practice nurse post, which I had been doing from 2000-2008 and love. Surgery 5 minutes from home, and less hours for potentially same money. Really hope I get it!

Fantastic! Good luck. Let me know how you do. x

Hi Solo and Sal, sorry to see you on here
Sal I remember you, we lost our lovely mums a week apart.

2S like you I almost forget at times mum has gone and keep wanting to phone her, not sure when that will stop. I lost dad 4 1/2 years ago and up until just before mum died a few times I nearly phoned him to tell him stuff.

It was hard when DS received his IGCSE results a few weeks ago, I picked the phone up to call mum as she would have been so proud.

LilRed and nancy some people seem to think 6 months is a very long time but it realy isn't and I'm not sure if it will ever get easier.
I know it did get easier/less painful as time went on with my dad but now I just can't see it getting less painful. Not sure whether its because its mum and we were closer or whether its because they are both gone. I have no one left and am so very lonely. DH just doesn't understand and anyway, we've been 3,000 miles apart for most of the summer.

I managed to (mostly) hold it together the first month or so after mum died but now it seems that the slightest thing sets me off and I think I've cried every day for the past month.
I can't get over the fact that my gorgeous baby boy will never know his nanny and that him and DD2 have no grandparents (DH's parents don't give a shit and are not interested in seeing them) It seems so unfair as DS1 and DD1 at least have my ex-DH's parents but my youngest have no one. I feel like a little child shouting 'its not fair'

Hope everyone is doing ok under our awful circumstances. Don't know what I'd do without you girls, RL friends just aren't interested anymore

Thank you all for your lovely welcome.

I am mostly Ok and that feels very strange in itself. Why do I feel Ok when my beloved Dad has gone? Is it because I'm relieved he's no longer in pain? I hope he's alright. I do feel sure he's gone to Heaven. He was a good and honourable man who loved to help...

My Mum phoned a few minutes ago. I'm off to finally buy Ds's secondary school uniform today and had planned on going to Mum's after that, but she tells me she doesn't want to be alone today...So, I shall go and get her before uniform shopping.

The funeral has been booked. September 7th, the day Ds starts secondary school. He is of course attending Dad's send off. My Dad looked after my son whilst I went to work and before Mum retired, so they were very very close. All the grandchildren are going.

I feel sad that my Dd wont remember her grandad. She's 2.8, so too young to hold those lovely memories. She lost her paternal grandma in May, but she didn't know her that well, so that's different I suppose anyway.

Stupid thing. I've just looked at the baby monitor that we used with Dad so that he could call(his voice was quiet even in good health)if we weren't in his room. It's made me cry to think that that device listened to everything that we did and said during Dads last weeks. It heard Mum say 'he's gone' and me saying he hasn't, because of that last involuntary breath that comes a few seconds after they stop breathing. I miss him so much...

oh Solo, I imagine its quite normal to feel relieved that a loved one is no longer in pain. I suppose I ought to feel that regarding my mum who has spent so much time in hospital or in poor health in the 4 1/2 years since we lost dad. However, I'm still feeling very selfish and wishing she was still here, or at least had hung on two more weeks so she could have met her youngest grandchild. I have to keep reminding myself that she is in heaven and she is with dad and their first son who died when he is 3. The times I remind myself of that I can very briefly feel happy for her but then quickly selfishly want her back again.

I'm sure you'll go through all the emotions over the next few days/weeks/months.

Don't assume your DD won't remember her grandad. My DD2 is 3 in October so was 2.7 when nannie died and the last time she saw her was at Christmas when she was 2.2. Nannie stayed with us for a few days and it really suprised me when we returned home for the funeral (we live abroad most of the time) and DD went into the 'guest room' where nannie had stayed and kept referring to it as 'nannie's room' and clearly rememberd a lot about her.
Have you got a nice photo of your DD with her grandad? I've got nice pictures of DD and nannie taken on Christmas day which I've shown her and she clearly remembers. If you have some photos of them together, or even just your dad on his own, put them where DD will see. Hopefully the little ones won't forget our lost loved ones but I must admit that I'm worried about DD forgetting my lovely mum and DS never having known her.

Its not stupid to have little things set you off, its normal. Hugs to you x

Hello everyone

been away for a couple of days, last chance before back to work next week - new job...very excited but also eeek! On that note best of luck for you Sidge: new beginnings have got to be a good thing at a time like this. Let us know how it goes.

I agree with Mumoverseas, I think children do remember: my LO surprises me every now and then (well, it has only been 6 months but) but when we were away she asked me randomly: where's your Dad? (then qualified that with Grandpa). When I told her heaven (which we have started saying by way of explanation), she asked if he was with the dinosaurs. Where would we be without them eh?

6 months isn't a long time it's true. I do find a lot of friends don't want to ask me about how I'm coping because it's messy and requires you either to pretend you're fine or give them the truth, which is as I say, messy. I'm sure they do care Sidge but it's such a difficult thing to talk about. Always here for you Sidge (and everyone).

It's strange, when I first started posting on the other support thread I felt really guilty about it. Like I somehow shouldn't be writing such personal stuff and posting it out there. And that I shouldn't be getting the support I was getting: I have a very large immediate and extended family and I guess I felt EVERYONE needed that support, why should I be getting it? And what about the support poor Dad needed? Had real mixed feelings about it. But in the end I realised I needed that support to continue to support others (and since we write under pseudonyms the personal stuff wasn't an issue). Don't know why I brought that up. Maybe as a sort of welcome to Sal and Solo. In the early stages I certainly felt out of my depth in terms of new responsibilities within the family and also unsure of how to cope and behave. It's good to have somewhere to let off steam, for whatever reason/ circumstances.

Hope everyone's is ok today

x

Aw, thank you mos and NG.

I know Dd will remember her Grandad in the short term, but her memories will fade as she grows up. That makes me very sad. She says ~ if you ask her where Grandad is ~ 'Grandad died'.

I have had my first real cry today, but I did feel guilty about it.

Ds is going in for a couple of hours on the funeral day/first school day and I'll collect him after his first break. It'll be a very mixed emotions kind of day for him I'm sure.

I've been filling out forms for Mum today. I hope I'm doing them right. Mum doesn't have a clue! and there's so much to do!

I'm really very grateful for the support here.

I hope you are all doing Ok.

Hi all. Nothing really to add, but I wanted you all to know that I'm thinking of you.

DD is 3.3 and I too get upset that she will not remember my parents. My MIL said that I can keep some feeling of love and familiarity alive by telling her about them and shwoing her pictures/video and I know she is right, but it is just not the same.

sounds like you have a lovely MIL LilRed which must help although it will never be the same. I hope she is right about showing pictures so that DD will remember and DS who never met mum or dad will know who they were one day.
I'm really starting to resent my IL's who jus don't give a damm about seeing their grandchildren and have put DH and I off several times over the past two months when we've said we'd go up there.

DD still calls the guest room 'nannie's room' which is nice. Am starting to feel a bit odd though as my aunt (mum's sister) is coming to stay for a few days tomorrow and will be in 'mum's room'. I don't know how I feel about someone else being in there. I've just been up and tidied up in there, made bed etc and it feels strange as I can still 'see' mum in the room on boxing day, the last day I ever saw her.

Am going to mum and dad's grave tomorrow and just went to garden centre to get some bulbs to plant and a little windmill for kids to put there and burst into tears again. There was a little plaque saying 'mums garden, dads weeds' and that just set me off.

MOS, there is no reason why it can't remain 'nannies room', I think that is lovely! My Dad had my old bedroom and last night I slept in the room. It will always be called Dads room or Grandads room...

I too will have pictures of Dad up for both me and my Dc's to see and remember, but of course for Dd, telling her things will be false memories that I have planted in her mind ~ not that that is a bad thing, it's nice for them to know things, but when Dd says 'I remember when Grandad did xyz...' she probably wont be 'remembering', just recounting my memories. She will though, remember a near perfect Grandad .

MOS - I agree, it can still be her "nannie's room". Just tell her that Auntie X will be sleeping in Nannie's room.

Are they really false memories Solo or just real family stories that are always re-told at family gatherings. I think it's good to keep them going. I plan to tell my LO stories about my Dad.

It's Dad's birthday today- we decided to mark the day with a family meal out with as many as could attend. It was lovely and hardly any tears.

Also thinking of you all: last night in fact as I was dropping off I was jolted awake by the thought that I don't think we've seen Squonk on here for a while.

Love to everyone x

I do think they are false memoriesfor the very young ones in as much as they are recounting stories they've heard. Nothing wrong with that at all ~ just sad that they wont be their own memories iyswim.

How is everyone doing?

I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of paperwork and none of it my own! I haven't been home for days...

Catch up with you all soon.

Oh gosh the paperwork! Good luck, thinking of you xx

My sister did all the paperwork. I received a bankers draft the other day and don't want to pay it in - it's so final.

September is not feeling good - Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary and Mum's birthdya.

LilRed. It's sad that dates will forever remind us of our losses. I hope you can get through September with fond memories and a few smiles.

Thank you NG. I seem to be kind of taking over. Mum does some things or makes a phone call to official offices etc, then can't think what they've said to her or what she's to do...so I'm flailing around in the dark...I just hope that the letters I've written in her name are Ok.

The countdown to Dads funeral is going fast now. We are holding a 'Celebration of Life' for Dad and having a glass of Champagne to toast him.

The floral tribute I was hoping to make has been thwarted by the heavy rainfall, so we have ordered them from the florist instead shame really as I'd wanted to do at least one for Dad. Never mind. The montage is very time consuming and my Ds is helping/taking over this mammouth task!

Solo - I've just seen the photograph of your Dad. What a kind, genial man he looks.

Thank you LilRed; He was, he really really was...I will add a few more pictures of him to my profile later so that you can see more of that gentleness...I find it a rare thing in people these days.

Yes, I know. My Dad truly was a gentle-man, not just a gentleman IYKWIM.

*LilRed, I know exactly what you mean about the money making it so final. I know in the next few weeks I'll be sent a cheque representing my share of mum's realised assets as my brothers wanted all that divided now even though the house isn't even on the market. I wouldn't want to bank it but as I'll be abroad I expect the solicitors will pay it in for me and then I'll need to think about what to do with it.

Anniversaries are hard. Since dad left I've found his birthday really hard and he didn't even like birthdays as him and mum's first son who died age 3 was buried on dad's birthday.
I've just been down to clear more of mums stuff out of the house and take her clothes and books to a charity shop. I managed to retrieve some sentimental bits and pieces as I think it might be the last visit to the house as I'm back abroad next week and not back til end of December and my brothers may well have sold by then.
I found it so diffcult looking around for the final time, not helped by my husband trying to rush me and get me out of there. It was really hard as my car started playing up a few days ago so its in the garage (massive 7 seater with loads of room) and I'd intended bringing a few bits back but we had to take DH's stupid little boys car and couldn't fit any of the bits I wanted in.

Went to grave on way back which was hard and again DH didn't help and only allowed me 10 mins before the eye rolling started. Am feeling very angry towards him at the moment which is awful of me but starting to resent him. He still has his parents and won't allow me to grieve for mine. Seemingly I'm supposed to be over it by now

solo when is your dad's funeral? I will be thinking of you as I know how awful it is Don't know how but I did manage to hold it together most of the time with mum's (and dads funeral 4 1/2 years ago) The only time I really broke down was when they carried her coffin out.
You will get through it and I hope you have a lot of support.

sidge how did the interview go?