Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

[NancysGarden]

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

How lovely Solo - make sure you keep those messages. I'm sure that it is your Dad you are seeing. I'd love to see mine again.

x

hello all, back in the Middle East now and feel strangely calmer about everything. I was dreading leaving the UK as I felt I was abandoning mum (and dad) for the last time but I actually haven't cried since I've been back here. I'm wondering if it was all the sorting I was doing (clearing mums house, sorting paperwork, solicitors stuff etc) that was making it worse?

DCs 1 and 2 settled into their UK boarding schools, DC3 back to her nursery here and DC4, well he is just gorgeous and I swear it is him that has kept me sane the last few months. I feel I have to be strong as he NEEDS me.

DDs 3rd BD in a few weeks and realised this morning that I hadn't bought enough invites back from the UK and started to stress about it as you simply can't get stuff like that here. I suddenly had a vague recollection that mum had given me some invites years ago (she had a tendency to give bizarre stuff at strange times, normally tat from the £1 shop or charity shops )and amazingly went to my bedside drawer and there they were, near the top of a pile of papers. Very odd as she must have given me them a few years ago. Its almost like she was there to help me again.

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

MOS - I'm glad that you are feeling calmer now. Being beck in the middle east will help to give you a sense of normality back I guess.

I really do think that it is the little ones that keep us going. A month or so after my parent's deaths I actually said to my very sympathetic GP that I needed to get a grip for DD's sake. My GP agreed and sent me away telling me to get a grip (nicely of course) and take care of DD. When I next saw her she asked how I was doing and said that she wouldn't normally be that harsh at all, but could see that it was what I needed to hear at the time and had indeed said myself. DD really did make myself carry on.

xx

PS - can I come and holiday with you please? ;)

LilRed not sure you'd like it out here in Saudi Arabia. I guess it depends if you could live with:
no alcohol
no bacon or other pork products
not being able to drive (against the law for women here)
having to wear an abaya (long black hogwarts type robe) and headscarf in public
being the lowest form of life
not being able to have a real job (sadly no call for divorce lawyers here but I could work as a teaching assistant)
oh, and its ramadam so can't even do the normal expat hobby of shopping here at the moment as starbucks is shut as can't eat and drink in public between sunrise and sunset

If you could cope with all that then come visit

I do agree ref little ones, my little boy has kept me going. He was totally unplanned and at my age (41) I'd assumed it was the menopause when I found I was pregnant and I was in denial and kept it secret (except for mum who was so excited) until I was 20 weeks. I know believe he was a gift to help me through this

Right, let's tackle the list:

• no alcohol - could cope for a week or two. ;)
• no bacon or other pork products - ditto
• not being able to drive (against the law for women here) - bloody hell, didn't know that! Shocking.
• having to wear an abaya (long black hogwarts type robe) and headscarf in public - not a good look on the beach really is it ;)
• being the lowest form of life - hmmm
• not being able to have a real job (sadly no call for divorce lawyers here but I could work as a teaching assistant) - I love the fact that you are a divorce lawyer and living in Saudi
• oh, and its ramadam so can't even do the normal expat hobby of shopping here at the moment as starbucks is shut as can't eat and drink in public between sunrise and sunset - poor you.

On balance, no thanks. I presume that your husbands job is great and that you and your little ones are fairly happy out there.

If you need any supplies shipping (teabags, invites, Marmite etc.) email me at [email protected]. In fact, email me anyway.

lol at the offer of teabags and marmite. Got a text from DD1 this morning who was very upset as her peppermint tea bags, marmite and make up bag were stolen from her dorm in her UK boarding school. If you are in Surrey you could drop some into her

will drop you a line shortly, just about to feed little man

A day late, but cheers! x

I'm not in Surrey, but send me her address and I'll post her some. x

Hi Nancy.

Hi Nancy,
meant to say, I did raise a glass but it was only apple juice as finding anything stronger in Saudi in ramadan is virtually impossible

Lilred, was only joking. DH is 'home' next month so he can drop some more stuff in for her. It just bugs me that so much stuff gets pinched there, theiving little minxes

Hope everyone is ok today.

2shoes hope you are doing ok. I know this is going to be a difficult month for you.

Got an email from the solicitors doing mums probate last night saying the grant has been obtained now so all happening and making it all seem very final. Am glad I'm not doing all the running around and my brother who insisted that HE had to do it as he was the oldest is doing it all.

Its a weird feeling knowing that we are going to get mum's money and so difficult knowing what to do. I've decided to put lump sums away for DC 3 and 4 as when dad died DC1 and 2 got £5k each which I invested for them (they don't know about it and I'd like to keep it that way until there are older and DD loses the temptation to blow it all in Claires accessories!)

For some reason (bullied by my brother I suspect) mum changed her will last year and took out the gifts for all the grandchildren (brother said it wasn't fair as I had more children than him!) so DC won't get anything so I feel I need to balance it out so all the kids have had around the same from their grandparents.

Sorry, rambling again.Its just so much easier to 'talk' on here. RL friends just aren't interested and don't want to bore them. I'll just bore you guys instead

take care x

Oh families and politics! Even at times like this...I bet you're thankful for the distance sometimes mos.

Hi Lilred

Am ok today - had a bad day on Fri: cried all the way home whilst listening to Ella Fitzgerald in the car: one of Dad's faves. Painful but cathartic.

Thinking of you all
x

'Tis Mum's birthday today. Am finding it difficult. I miss her so much. Happy birthday Mummy. xx

MOS - keep talking. And, seriously, if your DD does ever need anything sending just drop me an email.

Nancy - I'm sorry that you had a bad day on Friday, but a good sob does help sometimes doesn't it. x

LilRed hugs to you. It must be awful. I hope you are doing ok today. Are you going to 'visit' her?

I'm dreading my mum's birthday which is on Valentines day I'm also dreading my birthday as the last time I saw mum was on my birthday. Think I'll ban birthdays and stay 41 for ever

Nancy, sorry you had a bad day last week. I'm finding that it is little things that set me off although I still feel a little calmer since I've been back in Saudi.

Thanks MOS. I've not visited them yet, I just can't. Their ashes are scattered together in a rose garden at the cemetary and I haven't been able to go back yet. Mum was really not into visiting graves so I know she won't be offended if I don't go.

My Mum did, however, love to play bingo at the British Legion, so I am meeting one of my brothers and two of my sisters there tomorrow night for a game - we agreed to at Mum's wake.

I'm dreading it though. We had both of their wakes at the Legion and they did a stand to for Dad's funeral procession so it's going to be tough to go back there. On the plus side I have some great memories there too - Mum and Dad's 50th Anniversary party there and I spent one of my birthday's there with them (NYE).

LilRed, I know what you mean about going back. My little boy's baptism was at mum's church less than a month after her funeral which was tough but we agreed we had to go ahead with it as she'd planned it and was so excited about it. It was nice to see some of her friends there too.

Wow, how many brothers and sisters do you have? I always wanted a sister but had two brothers who I don't really get on with. One just won't speak to me and even instructed DH to tell me not to talk to him or look at him at the funeral. The other one and I are talking but only really to sort things out. Feels very lonely sometimes

I hope you enjoy your bingo tomorrow and I'll keep my fingers crossed you get a big win

So if your BD is NYE that is a week after mine (boxing day) joint party one year?

Bingo sounds like a good idea Lilred, you might surprise yourself Lilred and draw strength from one another (not in a winning sense, although I'm sure that'd be nice!)

I'm glad you're calmer now MOS.

2 of my siblings are not coping well atm. I think we're all finding it hard of course, but the youngest 2 are really struggling. Which of course is a real worry. I worry about the effect on their children and other halves. And of course their own mental health.

My Grandpa (Mum's side) is terminally ill and his condition is rapidly deteriorating but the doctors want to remove some of his care package as he has survived such a long time since his diagnosis and multiple organ failure.

New job is going well though so I find although I:m exhausted the distraction is welcome.

How is everyone this evening? x

I feel numb, sick and wretched.

oh sweetie, wish I was over in the UK, I'd come over with a bottle of wine. xxx

Sorry for the self centred post last night all.

Nancy - I'm so sorry about your Grandpa. It is hard watching your siblings suffer too. Just make sure that they know you are there for them - it's all you can do. xxx

MOS - I'm the youngest of six. Christmas birthdays suck don't you think? My Dad's is Christmas Day, so that could be interesting although I have vowed to myself and DH that DD will still have a wonderful Christmas and I will smile for her.

Again, sorry about last night.

LilRed, you have nothing to apologize for, thats what we are here for. I've found you ladies a real lifeline over the last few months and I guess we are all a little self centred at times but we are allowed.

I hated getting birthday presents wrapped in xmas paper and cards with happy and the christmas crossed and out birthday written. I've always gone over the top with my DCs birthdays as mine were always so crap.
I know this Christmas/Birthday will be bad as mum was with us then but I'm glad we will be in Saudi and then returning to the UK the day after my birthday. We have to make the most of it for the kids though don't we. It will be DC4's first christmas which will be nice and DD2 will be really excited as she will be three and will understand it a bit better.

Where in the UK are you? Maybe a post xmas birthday meet/piss up

nancy, I'm sorry about your grandpa which must be so hard to deal with. Glad the new job is going ok. I think its good to have distractions

My baby & toddler sign language classes start in just over two weeks and although I'm excited about doing it I'm a bit nervous at the moment.

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Thaks MOS. I'm in Worcestershire, just south of Birmingham. Where will you be?

In fact, where are all you lovely ladies?

oh dear, today is a sad day.
I heard that my cousen has died, she had lukemeia(sp) and had been ill for a long time.
very sad for her poor family. I feel a bit mawkish as I haven't seen her for years(I am closer to one of her sisters and one of her brothers) but I feel so sad. I hate to think of the pain they will all be in, dh has 49I think) grown up children, poor thingg, as we all know however old you are, loosing your parent is horrid.
her poor old dad is in his 90's, my auntie only died a couple of years ago, so awful for him.
sorry to drone on, but although it is not my loss, after all that has happened, I feel for them all so much. I can't visit as my Uncle lives miles away and her chome is miles in the other direction.

sorry to see so many of you are having such a hard time, hugs to you all,