Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

[NancysGarden]

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

bump

Hi Nancy!

It's good to "see" you here, I know what you mean about steering clear for a while, mumsnet is fab for support, but it's also fantastic for switching off from RL stuff and just... well, I suppose hiding is the right word.

It's good that you're getting some counselling, and good that you have a decent employer who will offer it to you. I hope it helps.

Well, my dad is still hanging on - I just got back from seeing him today actually. He has another few weeks of chemo then he has to have a three month break, so that will be a worrying time because if the tumours grow then, there's nothing they will be able to do, but fingers crossed!

I chatted with 2shoes a little while ago and it looks like her dad's house is sold, which is good - it will be a wrench for her but I think they need to get that side of things sorted before they can move on. I haven't seen lilred around too much, but I've not been on here anything like as much as I was a few months ago.

I'm so glad that you got some support from us, you know we're always here. If you want to "chat" more personally, you can email me ([email protected]) (and that goes for 2shoes and lilred as well if you want!)

It is good to see you posting here again, I often think of you (all three of you) and wonder how you're getting on.

xx

oh god, and sidge of course!

(sorry, sidge, I mis-read the thread title and thought I'd missed something with you so I didn't include you in my ramblings, but of course, you are included!)

Hi again all

I'm sure selling the house is a mixed blessing for you 2shoes, I can imagine the relief of having a burden lifted but the wrench of it actually going being extremely painful too. I am going through similar feelings on a much smaller scale, selling Dad's car. It's hard.

I had the first counselling session today, it went ok. I must say I've had a very weepy few days so I was almost "all cried out" by the time I got there and found it quite hard to focus properly. We've made session plans for the whole block and she's given me some "homework" so I'll be more ready next week.

How wonderful to hear about your Dad Squonk, I'm sure the break from chemo will be a welcome one, I imagine it's not the most pleasant of treatments. Will be thinking of you and keeping everything crossed.

Well, hope to hear from everyone soon - hope people see the thread and of course it wasn't meant to be exclusive, didn't mean that in the thread title (not thinking there, oops) everyone welcome.

Love to you all
Nancy

You've been reading other threads, haven't you?

Good to see that the counselling has started, and she has given you something to think about before next time.

(you mean the ones I've posted on tonight? Or is this a cliquey thread thing you're talking about?)

I thought you'd been looking at this thread

Ok....with you. Interesting thread, glad I put me little disclaimer in now, seems bit daft to have those kinds of exclusive chats on MN, thought that was what twitter/fb were for?

bumping again

I was just going to start a thread and then saw this one (thank you for thinking of me nancy)
omg I feel so sad, I am going to the house on monday and if all goes to plan it will be my last visit(I am clearing the kitchen)
when the house goes it will help as I will be able to concentrate on "my dad" rather than the whole worry of the house, I always knew that loosing my dad would be hard, i was a daddys girl, probally cos of my mums health. but I miss him so much.
as we have cleared the house, I have brought bits and peices home, his new TV(DB HAD THE PC) a iron and so on, and when I use them I want to pick up the phone, as I have in the past and say "dad that iron you gave me is great, thanks" but I can't..
this week I fifnished doing the family slides, db lent me his scanner and I finished puting them on to the pc, it was bitter sweet as there we are a complete family, on holiday and the sun is shining.

DB and I are well just about talking.
he was really bang out of order last week, we had the hall way decorated(BIL did it so he did itt cheaper for me) ds managed to mark the wall, well no one has ever shouted at me like that in my life(I told him to F off in the end) and ds who is 17 says he will deck him when he is older!!
I know me and db will be ok, we have been here before.
squonk I am gald to hear your dad in bumping along...please can you give him a hug from me... Hearing news about him is good, he has to be ok.
as for mn, I havn't been posting as much(probally loads but I used to live on here) I can't do the nasty stuff, some one called me boring and an arse licker the other day, and I couldn't have cares less......that isn't me.
Sorry I have rambled but better out than in(and por old dh, who lost his beloved dad the year diana died, is looking abit bored now)

Great to hear from you 2shoes. You will be able to concentrate on your Dad when the house is gone, I can see that, but I imagine "the house" has given you a focus these last months. It's hard to muster enthusiasm for anything these days. Everything takes me 10x longer and I am ever so forgetful, even mid-sentence . On the surface I probably look like i'm coping really well, but actually I'm not.

It's sad you're not getting on with your bro, but I believe it's quite common. Grief does strange things to people. My grandmother is refusing to attend my younger brother's wedding this year, I'm sure it's because she knows it will be a sad affair.

I know what you mean about phone calls. It doesn't feel real does it? We're probably still in the shock phase.

xx

I went through this with db last time, the difference was I was about 20 and I didn't have dh and ds to fight my corner. DB is my brother and I love him.......but well he can be a shit.
I got a strage thing through the post today(this will make you lol) It was a letter from the undertaker with a pic of dads(and sm ans her sisters) grave marker, very random.

sorry that all became a bit woe its me.
sorry to hear you are still finding it so hard Nancy.

Well, good thing you have your dh and ds to fight your corner this time. I remember a few days after my dear Dad passed away someone making an unkind remark about my LO getting everything she wanted (she certainly does not). Don't recall which family member said that but it was a thoughtless and silly comment made in a moment of shock. I didn't hold any grudges. I only mention this as I think people do and say weird things when they're stressed and grief is extremely stressful.

And of course your message isn't at all "woe is me". It's supposed to be a support thread, after all

(By the way, that weird picture from the undertaker, isn't it just to show you where the plot is? A prompt to have a plaque or headstone commissioned?)

it was a picture of the grave marker, I had been to the grave and seen it, but iw as just strage getting sent a photo.

Hi all. I've only just seen this.

Squonk, I'm glad to hear that your Dad is due a break from chemo soon.

I think I'm bumbling along the same as the rest of you. Hiding behind a mask for 99% of the time. Having a bad day today. DH and DD have gone over to his parents' for the afternoon to give me some space.

I think of you all often and it is good to see you all again, although in crummy circumstances. Much love. x

Hi, I was wondering if you would mind me joining you? I gather you've all lost a parent recently or have a sick parent and I'm so sorry for you.
I can understand if you don't want an outsider joining you but I really need to 'talk' if you see what I mean.
I lost my wonderful mother last week and don't have any close family or friends to talk to at the moment as I'm thousands of miles from home and still trying to sort out passports/visas etc to get home and plan my mum's funeral.

My DH is trying so hard bless him but he doesn't have a clue as he is lucky enough to have both his parents. For example last night when I was crying I got a 'come on sweetheart, its been a week now'. Is it ok to join you?

Of course - please, welcome mumoverseas. As the others said to me when I joined the previous thread: glad you found us. As I say, I found it a great comfort and still do. It's a great forum for letting off steam and getting support.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dear mother. It must be very hard to be overseas and away from your usual support network. Do you have any DC? - my counsellor acknowledged the other day that my LO is a form of support/ comfort which is true.

Your DH's comment sounds like one of those knee-jerk thoughtless comments, designed to fix things (sorry to generalise but men do like to fix things often). Maybe he needs a gentle reminder that it has ONLY been a week. And being so far away only delays beginning the cycle of grief that I believe takes a long time. I'm sorry to say it but I know a few people who have lost parents now (work colleagues etc who have revealed this to me since losing my own dear Dad) and most say you never really get over it, but you learn to accept. Do you have any other support where you are? I must say though, your DH may yet turn up trumps if you can get him to realise the gravity of what's happened. My DP has lost both of his parents within the last 10 years and as a result finds it very painful to talk to me about losing Dad at all. (He's tremendously supportive in every other practical way, it's just the talking bit he can't do).

Good to see you Lilred, sorry you were having a bad day. It does have to come out though - those bad days are blessings really. XX

2shoes, that photo is weird! Who knows why they sent it, good that you can laugh about it.

mumoverseas - of course you can join us. It's not a club that any of us want to be in, but everyone is welcome if you feel we can be of some help.

dp is being crap tbh. He lost both is parents years ago (I never met them). I think that my dad's illness is bringing back bad memories that he doesn't want to deal with, so he's hiding. He doesn't ask me how my dad is, or how the treatment is going and he won't listen to me wail about things (He always finds something very important that needs doing straight away) which is okay, I know where I'm up to - at least I won't feel let down.

I'm not 100% sure I'll see my dad again. He looked so weak last week. I hope I'm wrong.

Thank you Nancysgarden & Squonk.
I do have children, 4 of them and the eldest who is nearly 16 is being fantastic. My 11 year old DD is in the UK at boarding school and DD2 is only 2 1/2 so doesn't understand. DS2 is only 15 weeks old and will never know his nanny. When I found out about mum last Sunday (got an email from my brother telling me she'd died) DS1 was fabulous and basically parented me as I was in total shock. Later that day I felt so bad that I'd been selfish and had essentially forgotten that he'd lost his grandmother as well as me losing my mother. It hit me harder than when dad died. He had been in hospital and I'd seen him the day before although we hadn't expected him to die. At least I felt I'd said my goodbyes.

I am gutted that I'd not seen my lovely mum since just after Christmas. We were back in the UK for Christmas and I'd been back for around 6 weeks sorting out a sixth form college for DS for September. I suppose I should be glad that I spent a bit of time with her and she stayed with us over Christmas but I feel guilty that I'd not seen her more recently. It was the longest I'd gone without seeing her as I'd had to fly back to the Middle East where DH works as I was hugely pregnant and my DS was born in February. Feel so devestated that she didn't get to see him. She was admitted to hospital when he was 3 days old (she was the first person I phoned when he was born) and she was over the moon and couldn't wait to meet him. She was so pleased that I'd given him my dads name as his middle name as well. She was in hospital around 6 weeks and I wanted to fly back but it took around 6 weeks to get DS's birth certificate and passport and by then she was out of hospital and I stupidly let myself be talked out of flying back and was convinced to wait until summer when going back anyway. I brought my flight forward by 3 weeks and was due home in 10 days and had planned to go straight down and see her. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not taking DS to meet her although I like to think that she is looking down on him now. DH thinks that is a load of old rubbish and there is no god etc which doesn't help me as I need to believe there is and that mum and dad are looking at DS.

I feel very lonely out here. I do have friends but its not the same as 'real' friends back home. I'm mindful that all the women here are the wives of DH's colleagues so you can't really unload, if you know what I mean.

Sorry to ramble. Feel the need to talk but I can't here. I'm so jealous of DH having both his mum and dad and am dreading going to see them when we get back as can't bear the thought of them holding my baby boy when my lovely mum never will.

Squonk I do hope your father will be ok. Does he live far from where you are?
Sorry your DP isn't being supportive, maybe he just doesn't know how to deal with it or what to say. I guess most men are just crap at stuff like this.
I'll be back to the in the next week or so so you can wail at me if you want and if it helps? I feel I just want to scream and scream but I know I'll just get the 'pull yourself together' speech.

I'm sure it must be a lonely feeling mumoverseas, MN is a godsend sometimes. As are children, my LO is only 2;6 and she has been an absolute darling. Of course she didn't understand what was happening but she kept asking if Mummy was ok, why was Mummy sad and so on, even stroking my face, kissing me and pulling the hair away from my eyes. (She'll be a great Mummy herself one day.)

One thing I have realised since losing Dad is there is no point in having regrets. Things are what they are and I am very lucky to have the memories I do. One family friend told me at the funeral: if I miss Dad I need only look in the mirror.

mumoverseas - you know you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Your mum was immensely proud of you and your children - all four of them. and she would not have expected you to fly back especially.

I am sure she will be looking down on your family, and she will know all about ds2, she'll always be there to watch over him and he will know that he was loved by her, even though he didn't meet her.

It sounds to me like your mum knew just how much you love her and she would not want you to feel any more low than you do from losing her, so please try to stop feeling guilty (easy for me to say, I know, but you have nothing to feel guilty about)

From the way you describe ds1, it is obvious that you are bringing them up really well - he sounds like a fantastic lad. No doubt your girls are the same and ds2 will be as well.

Nancy - you're so right about the kids being absolute towers of strength without realising it. dd2 crawls onto my knee and tells me not to worry because the doctor will make grandad all better (I have tried to explain that the doctors probably won't be able to make him better but she just wants to make me happy) and ds climbs up, gives me a kiss and says "mummy. I love you) which is just what I need.

dd2 did speak to her grandad the other day and she said "grandad... when are you going to get better? you've been poorly for aaaaages" which made us all smile (sadly. but smile nonetheless)

morning, thank you both for your lovely comments, it brought tears to my eyes reading them. You are right about children being a godsend. My DD2 is a little older than yours Nancysgarden and I've tried so hard not to get upset in front of her as I don't want to confuse or upset her. I'm not sure she will understand that she won't see nanny anymore and I'm not sure how to deal with that.

My brother is going to the funeral directors this morning and we are hoping that he can get a date that will allow my DS to fly back for the funeral as we have a tiny window between his exams. Luckily he has had a huge gap and no exams since my mum died but he has two today so hopefully he will be able to focus better than I can at the moment.

Thanks again for listening and your lovely comments.

Can I crash the thread too?

My mum died 18 months ago and I'm still having bad days. It was very sudden (car crash) and happened 8 days after my dd was born. I too live overseas and couldn't go back for the funeral as I was in hospital with a nasty post-cs infection, on intravenous abs and advised not to fly as it would be 24 hours flying and I really wasn't physically up to it.

I'm much better than I was a few months ago but still have days when I can't actually believe it happened. I'll sort of "forget" it happened and then suddenly remember - today, just walking out of a shopping centre, I suddenly thought - my mum was killed by someone crashing their car into hers - I still can't believe it happened to her.

Mumoverseas - my dh didn't really get it either. He was great at first but after about 8 weeks he actually said "I thought you might be moving on by now". I had barely started to come to terms with it - and of course the post-childbirth hormones didn't help.

Anyway- sorry to ramble - I still just want to talk about her and I think about her so much.

oh whatshesaid, hugs to you. How awful not to be able to go to the funeral. I had a CS and had an infection afterwards and what with that and having to wait around 6 weeks for DS's passport and visa that was one of the reasons I didn't manage to get back and see my mum when she was in hospital. I could however of gone after she was out of hospital and will have to live with that one.
Where do you live Whatshesaid? Sounds like you are very much in the same boat as me.

I know what you mean about briefly 'forgetting' they are gone. I still have that with my dad and first thing every morning when I wake up I have a few seconds of 'forgetting' before remembering that my life will never be the same again.
One tiny positive today is that we have managed to get a date sorted for the funeral so that will keep me busy making lots of arrangments and sorting out flights etc.

Ramble away, after all, I have. I think I need to get it out if that makes sense and there is only so much DH can take