Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

[NancysGarden]

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

Hi whatshesaid, welcome. I'm sorry for your loss, how awful to have your dear Mum taken so suddenly and what a terrible shame you couldn't attend the funeral. They say it's part of the process, I think I was in a haze on the day. Come, ramble.

Having a bit of a bad day (again) myself so will keep it brief.

Squonk, thinking of you. xx

Lilred, hope your mini-break helped a little. 2shoes, thinking of you and the house.
Sidge, have we heard from Sidge?

Mumoverseas, glad you have a date to work towards.

I know it's the middle of the day but I think I need a lay-down (worked half day today), feeling crappy.

Thanks for the kind words.

Mumoverseas,I'm in New Zealand, so a long way to fly back. I was in such a daze after it happened and dd didn't even have a birth certificate let alone a passport - we could have rushed round getting them but the doctors were pretty adamant I shouldn't fly. How arew

My GP suggested my family get someone to video the funeral, which they did - it sounds macabre but it really helped, it was especially nice to hear lovely things being said about her in the eulogy.

It sounds like you are just at the beginning of it all mumoverseas - I really feel for you, it's a long process to get through the grief, at least it was for me.It does get better.

Sorry I didnt finish that message as dh was trying to put dd to bed and she wanted me so I had to go.

I was goingto say,Mumoverseas, how are all the flight arrangements etc going?

Hi ladies, nancysgarden, sorry you had a bad day yesterday and hope today was better for you. I had wondered about counselling myself but I'm actually halfway through a distance learning counselling course myself so I think I might feel a bit odd seeking counselling help when I'm supposed to be helping others? I emailed my tutor today and said I will have to put the course on hold as I'm in no position to help others at the moment.

whatshesaid, poor you being so far away.
With regards to your mum's funeral, at first I thought it was quite strange to video it but actually, thinking about it, it was a lovely thing to do so you felt like you were there.

We've managed to sort out our flights today. DH and DS1 and DD2 were flying back with me anyway next Wednesday before my mum passed away. DH was just back for 2 days to help on the flight but he has now extended his stay so he is there for the funeral which is on Monday 15th. Had a nightmare with my DS1 who is midway through GCSEs. He has one on Friday 12th and then has to be back here in Saudi by pm Wednesday 17th so we are flying him out to the UK early hours Saturday 13th and he is flying back on Tuesday 16th. Hopefully he will be ok on the flight and knowing him he will be trying to chat up the air hostesses.

I'm trying to keep busy organising things as much as I can from here. Have taken on lots of tasks, such booking and organising reception, flowers etc and preparing a memorial booklet for at the church (my aunt who is a nun had already prepared the order of service for the mass, apparently at my mum's request last summer and mum had chosen all her hymns) we found two poems that my mum had written when my oldest brother died when he was 3 years old (before I was born) They are two lovely poems about when they will meet again at the gates of heaven and I've put them in the booklet and am trying to convince myself that I will be able to hold it together at the funeral and read one of theem and my DS1 will read the other. Trouble is, every time I read it, I start crying, maybe because I have a baby boy.
One weird thing came out of it though, on the poem we found it had it was dedicated to my brother that died and had his full name. DS1's middle name is after my brother and I had given DS2 my dad's name as his middle name but just found out today that it was also my dead brothers middle name.
Sorry, rambling again. Right, off to try to finalise some wording on the memorial booklet, have to keep busy.

mumoverseas so sorry to hear about your mum, glad you found this threa, I haven't been on mn much the last few days as I have been doing the last clear out at dads house.
I think regrets are all part of the grieving process, I have so many about my mum(she died when I was 18) them my SM(she died last september) and now my dear dad, there always seems to be something you wish you could have done different.
WhatSheSaid how awful to loose your mum so suddenly, glad you have found thi sthread as well.
squonk I am thinking of your dad, hope he is ok.

Mumoverseas, you might find a strange kind of strength on the day - my older sister read at Dad's funeral and although I wasn't brave enough to get up and talk, I did hold it together remarkably well on the day and found myself comforting others. As I say, it was a bit of a haze. Good luck with the rest of the organising (sounds like you have a lot on your plate).

(And thanks, today WAS a better day).

Just seen your post 2shoes: thinking of you and finishing up what must be an extremely hard task. I don't envy you, but I'm thinking of you.

I just burst into tears in Debenhams when I walked past the perfume counter and they had a big promotion on Channel No. 5 which was my mum's favourite. So many silly little things are setting me off at the moment.
Hope everyone else has a good day today x

LIttle things indeed. I keep imagining I see Dad walking down the road in front of me!

Hello everyone, sorry I've only just seen this. I haven't looked in on the Bereavement topic much lately as it seems to set me off a bit and I'm not sure how good I'd be at supporting others.

Things here are ok, life ticks along in it's usual busy fashion and even though I think of Dad every day I don't cry every day. But then when it hits me, oh my god it hits me. The grief is just overwhelming and takes my breath away. I can't believe he is gone, I can't talk to him and can't see him ever again and that's so hard to understand, the sheer finality of it all. I broke down yesterday, I have decided my job is shit and I want to look for something else, normally I would have emailed or phoned dad to discuss it with him and ask his opinions but of course I can't. It's so very hard.

I do hope you are all ok Squonk, 2shoes, Nancy, LilRed. And hello and a hug to mumoverseas and whatshesaid. I'm sorry you are here too My dad lived in Australia and I'm in the UK so can understand the difficulty of being so far away. I was lucky to see Dad just a few weeks before he died and spend some lovely (but difficult) days with him (he was in a hospice) but saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done. And not being able to go back for the funeral was tough.

Anyway I have wittered on long enough, just wanted to say thanks for thinking of me, I do think of you all often as we shared that painful period together. Bereavement is such a lonely journey, it's nice to have companionship. Friends do care and my DH has been great but I do sense that they think because it was a few months ago now I should be back to normal. And I'm not.

Hi Sidge - good to see you! Sorry you are finding it hard too (obviously) - the finality is a hard one to swallow. My LO (2;6) was asking to see Granny and Grandpa this morning. I had to explain it again (for the nth time). She made me smile when she asked if cats live in heaven though. Tbh have been feeling so up and down myself, regularly going through feeling very negative about things (job included), so I do understand (I think) a bit what you're going through.

Love to all xx

Hi all. We've been away for the past week and just thought I'd check in. Welcome to newcomers, although I am desperately sorry that you need to join us.

Life is very up and down here. I was in tears on holiday and DD (3) gave me a hug. I told her that I liss Grandad and she looked at me very seriously and said, "Me here Mummy, and Daddy" and just made DH and I cry.

Mumoverseas - about reading a poem at the funeral - you may well find the strength to do it and even if you do get a bit teary, everyone would understand It sounds like a lovely idea to read a poem that your mum herself wrote. When my dad died, my mum asked me to read one of his favourite poems at the funeral and I wasn't sure if I could, but I did and was very glad I'd done so.

It sounds like you have so much to organise, with 4 dcs and everything else - hope all is OK.

I think many people find little things remind them of the person who has died. A friend of mine was clearing out her mum's house after she had died and burst into tears over the potato peeler as it was a really old one that her mum refused to replace - just one of those things that reminded her so much of her mum. When I went back to the UK and stayed at my mum's house (not sold yet and still being used by family so still with food etc in) it really hit me when I saw 2 full tins of cocoa in the cupboard - because I know she would have bought them on BOGOF and I could just imagine her doing her shopping.

Hope everyone is doing Ok. I think one of the things you don't realise about grief is how long a process it can be. You know when someone dies it will be a shock at the time and for weeks after but you never really consider the long term, I feel. I never imagined losing my mum would have this huge an impact - I really sometimes feel I am not the same person as I was before. Anyway, hope you are all having good days, or as good as can be.

Hello all, thinking of you.

My counsellor has recommended deep diaphragmatic breathing (aka abdominal breathing) 3 times a day - just 10 deep breaths through mouth - breathe in for count of 3 and then out through nose for same, building up to a count of 6. Bit like labour breathing I guess. Just wanted to mention because it is really helping me sleep!

Best wishes
Nancy

I went and said goodbye to mum yesterday.
Went down to her house and manage to retrieve a few really sentimental things which helped. Sadly my brothers had gone in and thrown loads of things away but managed to find a few things and some lovely photos of her and my dad when they were first married and at my brothers christening who died when he was 3. I managed to get a couple of the pictures copied and enlarged this morning and have had two framed which are in my house and had some laminated so that we can put them on the grave as a temporary marker until we can do a proper headstone. The grave is a family one and has my brother, dad and on Monday mum will join them. Thought it was quite fitting to put that photo on.

Chose a nice dress for mum to wear and managed to retrieve a rosary and put that in with her together with some photos of my children and some notes that DC 1 and 2 had written. The FD wouldn't let me see her as they said 'nature had taken its course' but I was able to sit with her coffin in the chapel and 'talk' to her which was nice. Took DCs 3 and 4 in and I like to think that she was looking down and saw DC4 who she hadn't met. He lightened the mood a little by being sick on the lid of her coffin I could picture her and my dad looking down and laughing at that one.
I felt strangely calm when I left the FDs.

Being at her house wasn't as bad as I thought (was dreading it as she died there) Whilst sorting through some of her things what really got me, was when I found a bag of brand new baby boy clothes aged 3 to 6 months (DS2 is 4 months) so she'd obviously bought them for him, together with a little blue blanket with a bear on. That was priceless knowing that she went out and bought those for him. She'd gone into hospital 2 days after he was born and was there for 6 weeks so not sure when she bought them but it meant the world to me and made me feel a bit better about her not meeting him. The main thing is that she KNEW about him and had seen photos. The clothes are a little big for him but he will wear one of the outfits at the funeral on Monday.

Hugs to all of you still suffering and thanks for that hint Nancy, think I might try that x

Oh mumoverseas I'm glad you managed to spend some time with your mum. Your post has made me cry, but in a smiley way as I imagined your mum laughing as her grandson puked on her!

I hope Monday goes as you want it to.

Missed your post mumoverseas. I'm guessing today was the day so I do hope you are ok and that things went smoothly. You must be exhausted and a little disorientated I would imagine, but it must be good to be home in a strange way (?) I'm glad you found the outfits - how lovely to find a little message from your Mum.

Thinking of you all
Nancy x

Hello all, I forgot to post again after mum's funeral. It was last Monday Nancy, the 15th.
It was a lovely sunny day and DS2 wore one of the new outfits nanny had bought for him and DD2 wore a dress than was also in the bag that nanny must have bought for her. Thought it was quite fitting.
DS1 looked very smart in his new suit and helped carry nanny's coffin which made me very proud. He also read the psalm in the mass and DD1 and I read one of my mum's poems between us. I did the first half and she did the second half and at the graveside (not local to where the church service was) I read the final poem which was so apt as it was about meeting her first son at the gates of heaven and asking him to wait for her there. I don't know where I found the strength to do it without totally breaking down but I managed. I think I felt it was the last thing I could do for my mum and I had to do her proud. Both of my brothers refused to do a reading so it was down to me and my children.

I broke down in tears this morning when I had to go to mum's bank and take her death certificate and get the account frozen. That was really hard and it dawned on me that it is exactly a month today that she died. I still keep wishing I'd taken DS2 home to meet her and would give anything to turn the clock back so she could have cuddled him just once.

Am trying to focus on everything that needs doing, practical stuff. We asked for donations instead of flowers for her favourite charity (GOSH) and cheques are starting to come in so I'm writing thank yous etc. DS1 made me so proud by signing up for a charity parachute jump for GOSH in a few weeks so am throwing myself into fundraising. Think I need to keep busy.

Hope you are all doing ok and 2shoes it was lovely to meet you last weekend x

Mumoverseas - well done on reading the poems at the funeral - I know what you mean about it being the last thing you could do for her, that's how I felt about reading at my dad's funeral.

I wish my mum had met my dd too - I get some comfort from the fact I had emailed lots of photos a couple of days before she died. Also that I was the last of my siblings to have a baby so she got to see us all "settled" as it were.

Sounds like you are keeping busy, which is great but give yourself time off too - try to take it easy sometimes. I found the grieving process actually quite physically tiring - I suppose I was going through so many emotions it was bound to have a physical effect.

Hope you are doing well.

how are you all?
I have been ok, just the odd down moments and am still missing my dad everyday.

trying hard to remain on even keel; lots going on which is helping me stay on task but it's hard going. How's everyone else?

Hi ladies, I'm just getting ready to go and 'visit' mum and dad as today was their wedding anniversary. Its only about an hours drive from where I am now and there will be so many other anniversarys where I won't be able to go when I'm back abroad so I feel I HAVE to go today although I'm worried its a little bit too soon as mum's funeral was only 3 weeks ago.
I keep thinking that DS1 is 16 tomorrow and I remember when I went into labour 16 years ago today and I phoned my dad. He decided not to tell mum as she was cooking him a special anniversary steak dinner and he knew if he told her that their first grandchild was on his way he would not have got fed. He therefore waiting until after dinner. Things like that make me smile.

I wish DH was here to go with me but I've got DS1 to come with me and DD2 and DS2. I don't know how to explain to DD2 aged 2.8. She knows nannie has gone to heaven and 'we'll never ever see her again' but she fell asleep on the way to the burial (catholic mass in am, burial pm miles away) so didn't actually see nannie's burial. Hopefully she will understand.

Its very hard isn't it Nancy. I'm trying to remain focused on so many things and keeping busy. Off on holiday next week and then the day after we get back DS1 is doing his charity parachute jump for nannie's favourite charity. Can't believe how well we are doing with sponsorship. His target was £500 and we are now over £1,000. I'm signing up to do a charity trek with a friend of mine who I treked the great wall of China with 5 years ago although need to shift a few stone before I do it. Hopefully doing positive things like that will help.

Still cry at silly little things. Was unpacking some of mums things from a box yesterday and found several bottles of channel No.5 I'd bought her (her favourite) over the past few years, along with the matching soap, lotion etc that she'd never opened. No doubt saving for special occasion. Think I will start wearing it now.

Hope everyone else is doing ok, well as well as we can in our circumstances.
I've found you ladies a real lifeline and would like to thank you for 'listening' x

Hi - am struggling a bit at the moment. Up one minute and then plummeting the next. It was five months yesteray since Dad died and it'll be four months on Thursday since Mum's funeral. Everything just seems raw and painful at the moment.

Much love to you all. x

Hi Ladies...I am a little bit ahead of you guys...lost my lovely Mum to very aggressive cancer in Oct. Finding these days difficult as we are coming up to the anniversary of her starting to get ill...the date of the first scan...then the rapid escalation of events to emergency surgery...then it was all over from start to finish in 8 weeks. Today I have been choosing her headstone...I have moved through the maddness of her diagnosis, through the trauma of her death, to the shock, disbelief, devastation of lossing the person I have loved the most in my life. Now I am at the stage of the heavy burden of grief. I spend a lot fo time with my siblings...its a tough, exhausting and bumpy road. Love to you all. I have found checking in here every few days brilliant...as I am worried that I am "boring" my RL friends.