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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

234 replies

NancysGarden · 24/05/2009 23:06

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

OP posts:
Original poster
NancysGarden · 16/08/2009 20:15

It's been a hectic weekend here, only just looked at the thread.

oh 2shoes feel for you... Just keep reminding yourself the hassle involved in trying to sell/ sort the place out. (It might even help you in the long run now it's gone?) I drove through the area I grew in recently to give my DP a little guided tour (just in the run up to DB's wedding.) It's hard to go back.

Mumoverseas thanks for the moral support. I've got 2 weeks til I start, will be doing my utmost to build myself up in that time. I can see why you didn't feel in the right mindset for helping others.I find myself so up and down and the emotional swings REALLY affect my energy levels.

Good luck tomorrow Lilred, will be thinking of you.

Love to all x

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 18/08/2009 12:44

Thanks all. Cyst now gone from tonsil and my throat is killing me, but I'm okay. Had strange dreams about Mum and Dad last night - not good, but I'm blaming the GA yesterday for that.

Thinking of you all as always. I both love and hate our little club. Love it because it is such a support and hate it because of the circumstances we all find ourselves in. It's a shame we're not all close together - we could go out for a lovely civilised meal and then get trollied.

Sidge · 18/08/2009 23:02

Thinking of you all.

Up and down here - I think about Dad every single day and some days can manage that without crying [lopsided smile emoticon] but not on others.

I just miss him so much.

LilRedWG · 19/08/2009 09:38

((Hugs)) Sidge. I don't cry every day anymore. I tend to bottle it up and then have a massive meltdown occassionally. I think your way is healthier.

Take care sweetie. x

Sidge · 19/08/2009 11:39

Thanks LilRed - I don't know if there is a better way!! I think we all just have to cope as best we can, whether that's occasional meltdowns or regular sniffles.

I am thinking of contacting Cruse about any local bereavement counselling support groups - has anyone else tried this, or is thinking about it?

LilRedWG · 19/08/2009 21:33

My doctor gave me the number for a local service - neither of the numbers worked.

Macmillan offered the whole family counselling when Dad died and I text my sister asking her for the details this evening. TBH her reply has disturbed me a little. She said she'll forward the info to me when she gets home but that I should really think it though as to whether I want to face my demons. She has, "decided not to as she likes the little world" she has created in her head. I feel sad for her.

To be fair, she has a lot more demons with regards to my parents than I do and I did have loss counselling prior to their deaths, but totally unrelated to them - although I seemed to end up talking about my fear of losing them most of the time. Am now feeling oddly disturbed and even sadder inside.

LilRedWG · 21/08/2009 10:25

I've just called MacMillan and they are going to sort some counselling for me. Will let you know how it goes.

stealthsquiggle · 21/08/2009 10:34

LilRed is this the sister who lived with your parents?

MacMillan are a generally wonderful organisation and get all the money I can ever afford to give to charity. Fingers crossed that they can help.

LilRedWG · 21/08/2009 10:37

Yes SS, it is. They are indeed wonderful. I just replied to her test saying that I'd seen someone before and it is well worth facing the demons.

How are you?

Original poster
NancysGarden · 21/08/2009 19:33

Let us know how you get on with Cruse Sidge (if you don't mind). I had 5 sessions through work, it did help although I expect in time I will need more. Just burying my head in the sand atm I think as regards Dad. Well, I am and not.

Glad the op went ok Lilred.

x

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 22/08/2009 11:54

Thanks Nancy.

It's six months today since Mum died and I'm feeling suprisingly okay at the moment. I was down earlier this morning but am chosing to dwell on DD and happy memories of Mum and Dad - not sure how long I'll keep it up, but the sun is shining.....

LilRedWG · 22/08/2009 23:01

Scrap previous message. Feeling like shit and trying not to cry as it husts my poor mangled throat too much.

Jimmychasesducks · 22/08/2009 23:06

sorry I haven't been on here much, been hiding under another name.
Sorry to hear so many of you are having such a rough time. sending you all love as you have been so supportive,
2shoes

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 22/08/2009 23:30

Hello. I am here by kind invitation of LilRedWG after losing my wonderful Dad on Wednesday.

Original poster
NancysGarden · 23/08/2009 11:10

Hello Solo, so sorry to see you here. It must all be so unreal to you at the moment: I hope you can find some support here, I know it has helped me a lot over the last 6 months.

Great to see you 2shoes. I regularly consider name-changing: got myself (unintentionally) into hot water on a thread recently. Not nice. We're all still here, anyway. x

Hi Lilred, 6 months here too. So up and down. I'm good one minute, feeling like a strong Amazon, coping and managing so much and then something takes me by surprise and I feel crushed and vulnerable.

It's good to cope and carry on, but holding it all in prob not that good for you, I know it has resulted in migraines for me.

xx

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 23/08/2009 13:34

Hi - 2shoes and Nancy. I really think that one day at a time is the way to go.

Solo - take one minute at a time at the moment. Go with your emotions and try not to hold anything in, be that a cry, scream, shout or even laughter. No emotion is wrong. If you feel happy for a few seconds then relish it, do not feel guilty. We have all been where you are today and will not think badly of anything you feel the need to shout or scream on here. Much love to you. x

LilRedWG · 23/08/2009 13:35

Good grief - I sound like that Baz Luhrman song in my last post.

LilRedWG · 23/08/2009 13:37

This one. Which coincidentally reduced me to a blubbing wreck recently when it was on the radio. In some ways it could be our theme song.

Jimmychasesducks · 23/08/2009 18:09

I do keep wondering when it will be "real" when will I stop thinking, oh I'll phone Dad, I even wanted to phone him to tell him house had sold!!
(2shoes)

SalVolatile · 23/08/2009 21:56

Hi, I think I'm ready to join , some of you (mumoverseas?) might remember I lost my mum on 31st May and I have posted on the odd thread about it....but i still feel sooooooo angry and bereft I an't face talking about it at all in RL, so...i'm here. Not sure why.

Sidge · 23/08/2009 22:14

Hi Sal. I'm sorry you're here IYKWIM.

Feel free to offload or just lurk. I totally understand the bereft feeling - I lost my dad nearly 7 months ago and still can't quite believe it.

Sidge · 23/08/2009 22:15

Solo just saw your earlier post. I'm so sorry you too have lost your dad.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 23/08/2009 23:47

Had a shout today ~ at mum . I feel like she doesn't realise I've lost my Dad too...I put my life and my Dc's lives on hold for the last 3 months or so in order to help her with Dad. I didn't miss a single day...I've done all their shopping since January, run them around and never once complained. I even drove them to Dorset and back so Dad could visit with his brother in February as I knew it would be his last chance. My ME has been like a ticking time bomb for months now and I feel like I've got no one to comfort me. Don't get me wrong, it was what I wanted to do and I'd do it all again, but why can't mum see my pain too?
I'm trying to help her. I'm trying to sort out the mess that is Dads paperwork. Trying to sort out and ensure that what mum needs to do gets done. I don't want a medal, I need her to see that I've lost my best friend...but she was envious of my relationship with Dad. She'd be envious too if I said Dad was my best friend.
Mum takes her phone calls and I hear her say...'I nursed him to the end'. Yes she did, but she didn't do it entirely on her own.

Sorry rant over ~ I think.

LilRedWG · 24/08/2009 10:15

Welcome Sal. x

I know that feeling Solo. My sister and I told Mum of Dad's death (she was in hospital at the time) and my sister told me now to cry. I didn't really feel that I could go to my Mum for a hig as I didn't want to upset her. The feeling stays now with my siblings. I rarely tell any of them how I feel. It is a very lonely feeling, grief. No-one will ever understand as everyone's grief is different.

Much love. x

LilRedWG · 24/08/2009 10:16

Sidge - how are you doing?