Lilred, 2Shoes, Squonk, Sidge etc: how are you now?

[NancysGarden]

I've been away (not physically just not really here if you know what I mean) and missed everything, your posts and new threads. I think I just found it too hard to come anywhere near bereavement for a while. I've posted in style and beauty (of all places!) but no, couldn't quite face it here.

So...how are you all? I agree we should have a new thread and am sorry I didn't see the one 2shoes (I think) started in April (or was it March?)

Myself I've been bumbling along, wearing a mask at work, at home, in fact pretty much everywhere. Like you Lilred, I am so exhausted supporting others there hasn't really been any time to start to grieve myself.

So, about 2 weeks ago I finally felt like I was cracking up and have lined up some bereavement counselling through work. It's only 5 sessions to start so will have to be pretty focussed work, but if I don't speak to someone soon, I may drop everything and go under.

(It would be good to get this going again tbh, it was wonderful to have that support over the ether back in Feb. Like many of you, I have my support "network" of DP, sibs, friends etc but sometimes it's too personal. It is easier like this I think.)

You will never bore us Mulranno, but I know what you mean about boring RL friends, so I don't talk about it much. I needed to today but MIL (who I spent the day with) didn't seem in that kind of chatty mood, so I dodn't really broach it.

I am having a really tough time at the moment too. Every day seems to be an anniversary of something and my siblings and I are all carrying on our individual lives as we did before Mum and Dad died, apart from the one sister who I speak to pretty frequently, but she is very like my Mum and just gets on with life.

I feel so so lonely at the moment and not even DH and DD can fill that gap.

It is hard to talk to RL friends about this - it's almost a taboo subject: if it gets mentioned I feel I must either gloss over or get to the point as quickly as possible and move onto something else. I'm not too sure where this expectation comes from: whether it's a constraint I am putting on myself or if it comes from others. It's not that people are uncaring but it's so major that it almost doesn't bear talking about. As though grief is something best done in private.

My DB is getting married in a couple of weeks and although I am really looking forward to it I know it will be a sad affair too. I went to see a play last night: one of the pieces of music was also played at my DS's wedding, which then led to thinking about my dear Dad and how if I do decide to tie the knot one day, he won't be able to give me away. And this made me cry. (The fact that I am an ardent feminist with little belief in the institution of marriage and abhor the very idea of being given away seems unimportant at this point. It's about choices. And having those taken away.)

Nothing makes much sense.

I share your feeling of loneliness Lilred.

How are you and everyone else today?

xx

Mulrano, Lilred and Nancy, I know exactly how you feel about not being able to talk to friends in RL. They were all great the first few days but clearly I'm supposed to be over it. Even DH said after one week he thought I'd be over it by now! Of course, he still has both his parents and I'm an orphan which is a horrible lonely feeling. Over the last few years I've lost all my aunts and uncles and even most of my cousins too and the rest of the ones I have are very distant and don't really know them.

We had a very mixed day today as had DS2 aged 5 months baptised in mum's old church. We'd had DD 'done' there 2 years ago as we don't really have a local Church as are in Saudi most of the year. My mum had arranged DD's and also DS's and even after she died we agreed to go ahead with it. It was actually a lovely day even though I kept thinking mum should have been there. We saw lots of her friends who all fussed over my little boy and several commented how excited she'd been when he was born and was planning the baptism even when she was ill and in hospital (which she never told me!)
I'm starting to feel very resentful towards my inlaws. They are not the least bit interested in seeing their two grandchildren and twice in the last week we've suggested going up there but have been put off and told not to. We are off on holiday on Tuesday and then as soon as we get back DH is going back abroad and I'll be dammed if I'm taking DS and DD up to see them. It makes me so mad as my mum didn't get to see her new baby grandson and was so looking forward to it. She would have crawled over broken glass to see him

Nancy, I know what you mean about the wedding thing. When I hear certain hymns they remind me of dad's and now mum's funeral and make me sad and when I married DH 4 years ago my lovely dad wasn't there to give me away. I like to think however that he was up there watching me and has also seen his new grandchildren (DD2 and DS2 both born after he died)

After the baptism went to mum's house and did a lot of clearing out which was quite odd. Felt so wrong to be going through all mum and dads private things but I'd rather I did it than my brothers who use the scoop and chuck method. Have brought back loads of things to sort out over the next few weeks when DCs 3 and 4 allow and imagine I will be doing a few runs to the local charity shop with mum's clothes and lots of other bits.

Lilred, I hope you feel a bit better soon. I feel so lonely too but am trying to throw myself into lots of things to keep busy.

Hello everyone.

I'm sorry to hear so many of you are feeling low. I'm struggling too; I get the feeling family and friends think I should be ok by now (Dad died end of January) - noone says anything so I may just be imagining it. I feel that because he lived so far away and I so rarely saw him that I shouldn't be still so full of grief, but I can't stop thinking of him. I feel so sad that he has gone, I miss his phone calls and funny emails and I feel so desolate that my girls won't remember their grandad.

I think of him all the time and so many things remind me of him. I am often close to tears and just feel so alone with it. I have the phone number for Cruse and plan to call them this week to see if there is any local bereavement support. DH is wonderful but I need to speak to someone objective I think.

Anyway enough rambling for now. Sending you all good wishes, I think of you often, those who share this lonely experience.

sorry to hear you are all feeling so raw.
I do often wish I had someone to talk to about Dad in rl. I don't want to talk to dh too much as it reminds him of his dad(he died a few years back) and I know he still misses him. also because my dad got ill and died so quickly, i think it scares him, he is dreading his mums turn
at least me and DB are getting on ok. except he doesn't really talk about dad, he is very busy(sil had big op and his fil is ill, plus he has the expense of dads house) we need that house gone, I think then we will talk.
I wish I could just stop thinking "I will ring Dad and tell him" when something happens.

Much love to you all today.

Hi all

how is everyone?

DB's wedding tomorrow, as I say I am looking forward but we'll all feel Dad's absence.

Hoping you are all ok

xx

Hi Nancy, I hope the wedding goes well tomorrow although I know it will be difficult for you all and I'll be thinking of you.
I just started crying in the garden centre.
My dad would have been 80 today and its almost like its just hit me that he is gone, even though he died 4 1/2 years ago. Maybe its because now mum has gone too it just makes it worse. I was going to drive over to visit them and take flowers but I didn't think I could do it. DD2 and DS2 are a little under the weather and I didn't think it was fair on them being in the car for a few hours although I feel a little guilty now for not going although I was there 3 weeks ago for mum and dad's wedding anniversary.
Instead of going today, I went to the garden centre to buy a few plants to put on their grave until we can get it all sorted properly which will be at least a year. I was ok(ish) in the garden centre and bought some lovely red roses (they both loved them and had them at their wedding and both funerals) so bought some little red rose shrubs to plant next week.
Sorry, rambling again. Wish DH was here but he flew back to the Middle East yesterday and won't be back for 5 weeks. I'm alone with the 4 DC so feel I have to hold it together for them

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Nancy - I do hope that you can all find joy in the wedding, as well as missing your dear Dad.

Mumoverseas - don't beat yourself up over every little thing you feel that you should do. I'm trying to cut myself some slack, but I know what a struggle it is.

My eldest brother is 50 today and I wish Mum and Dad were here to send wish him a happy birthday. I spoke to him last night and have spoken via text today and there is so much I want to say, but can't seem to him or my other siblings. That being said I did call one of my sisters a couple of weeks ago and sob down the phone at her, which is a first, but I now feel guilty for upsetting her.

I think of you all often. x

The wedding was lovely - very joyous but also sad: there were very few dry eyes during the speeches. I think DB did very well. Am feeling pretty tearful today.

Lilred: the special occasions are so hard aren't they. Don't feel guilty about being upset. My goodness, think what you've been through.

Mumoverseas, 4DCs and DH away: I take my hat off to you. Be kind to yourself.

Love to all
x

I'm glad that the wedding was lovely, but can understand that today will be hard for you - all those emotions.

Hugs to you all.

Not too bad here - a bittersweet day as I have a new nephew born today in Australia (wonderful news!) but sad that Dad won't see him. He was so excited about DSILs pregnancy. [wonky smile-emoticon]

Congratulations Sidge. That is lovely news, but I understand totally the mixed emotions.

My neice gave birth to her first child a few hours before Mum died and as my brother left my Mum's side to go and see his daughter and grandson my Mum said to him, "One in - one out."

Congratulations Sidge: I'm with you on the mixed emotion front though.

x

Hi all

how are things?

Am feeling so so low today.

Hi nancy,
sorry you are feeling low today. I do as well. Went to 'visit' mum and dad today and tidied their grave and planted a little rose bush to brighten it up. I hate the fact that there is no gravestone and we can't have one for a year. Mum never got round to getting it done when dad died (nearly 5 years ago) and I hated visiting him and seeing it so neglected. I think she had ostrich syndrome and didn't want to deal with it.
I suppose I'll have to get it done now and try and choose a nice stone to put all three names on (mum, dad and their first son) The FD's suggested when dad died we could get the old stone cleaned up but there isn't enough room for both mum and dad's details to be added so it will have to be a new stone. Not sure where to start. I know I'll end up paying for it as doubt my brothers will want to spend any of 'their' inheritance. Its horrible the way one of them is acting at the moment. It would have broken mum's heart

Nancy, do you want to talk about anything in particular or is it just one of those days. Several times during the last few days I've almost picked the phone up to call mum to tell her about DS1's GCSE results. It takes a moment or two before I remember. Cried my eyes out today at the grave. Sat there b/f DS2 and wished so much mum had met him. I can just hear her saying 'hello little man' although I know it sounds crazy. I miss her so much

Hi Mumoverseas, thanks for your post. Sorry you are also low.

We "visited" Dad on fathers' day. The awful thing was as it is a lawn cemetery and at present unmarked, we didn't actually know which plot was his. But we were there so that's all that counts really. I think it's so hard to continue to cope and get along with family in the aftermath of death. You're all hurting and coping in different ways.

My brother's wedding couple of weeks back was lovely but extremely emotional. I was driving on sunday listening to classic fm and had to pull over as one of Dad's favourite pieces of music came on.

I feel wrecked because I'm not sure where I stand on the after-life debate and the thought that I might be right is killing me. It's so final.

And because my underlying emotional bedrock is shaky I am finding myself crushed at the smallest things: I am returning to study in September and have a number of pre-course tasks to complete, including 2 essays. The fact that I am finding it so hard to write these blasted things is getting me down enormously. It's been a few years since I wrote an essay and I've just forgotten my technique. No big deal, or shouldn't be but I have been feeling like a failure. Really pathetic.

Am also being over-sensitive with friends and finding people hard to read.

I know what you mean about missing your Mum. I miss Dad all the time. He was so special to so many people and so young and the thought he is gone just seems so preposterous.

oh nancy, I know exactly how you feel.
The studying will be hard. I've been a SAHM the last few years due to my DH working overseas and there not being much call for divorce lawyers in Saudi
I started doing a few correspondance courses last year to try to keep the brain ticking over. One was a counselling course which when I started was so dull I kept putting it off. About 6 weeks before mum died I forced myself to get on with it and made a huge effort and submitted my first assignment just before she died and got really good positive comments and a good pass. Just started on the second when she died and I had to email the tutor and say I just couldn't carry on and had to put it on hold. With course like that, how can I possibly expect to help and listen to others when I'm falling apart.
I'm sure you'll be ok with your essay writing. When I did my first one I thought it was absolute crap but I got really good comments about it. It will come back to you. I guess it depends what you are studying though? I just can't cope with the counselling/mediation type stuff at the moment.

I've decided I need to throw myself into other areas to keep busy and am just starting a small business and when I return to Saudi next month I'll be running classes teaching baby and toddler sign language. Its something I wanted to do years ago (well I wanted to teach deaf children so similar) but I simply couldn't afford to give up law to do it. I think my mum and dad would be pleased I'm doing it now, particularly as dad used to sign a bit as he taught a few deaf adults.

Of course you will be over-sensitive. The main problem is, no matter how sympathetic friends are, if they haven't lost their mum or dad (or in my case both) they have no bloody idea what it feels like and how devestating it is.

I'm just getting ready to go down to mum's bunaglow (a few hours away) and I suspect it may be the last time as once I go to Saudi I'm not back til December and my brothers may well have sold it by then. Very mixed feelings about going but have to try to retrieve some memories and some special things of mums to remind me of her.

Take care Nancy, and if you need someone to 'talk to' off here, and if I can help with the studies then please email me,
[email protected] x

well bitter sweet moment, the house has gone, lady moved in today. pleased of course cos no more hassle and have to be honest I need the money, but that is it now so a bit sad.

oh 2shoes, sorry to see you've had a bad day too. Went down to mum's place today to do a bit of clearing out and have very mixed feelings about the place DH and I have been talking about the possibility of buying out my two brothers and keeping her place as a little holiday home (its by the sea). I'd sort of reached the conclusion that I wasn't going to bother but when I got there I remembered all the happy times DC1 and 2 had there as its in a lovely little private cul de sac with a green and trees in the middle. DCs 1 and 2 spent ages in those trees and today DD aged 2.9 played in them. Part of me wants to try to hang onto it, which is just viable financially but will stretch DH and I. I know it makes sense to sell it, although it won't happen overnight but part of me is terrified at the thought of never being able to go there again.

2shoes, did it seem odd having someone else move in?

lucky for me it is miles awya, I haven't been there since the begining of June, so i many ways it had alreday gone. Mumoverseas, will you be there for the meet up?

am hoping to get to meet up, just trying to plan what we are doing as its just a few days before I go back KSA and trying to cramm loads in.
I find myself incapable of making decisions at the moment, just can't think straight

i feel for you it must be so hard. I do hope you do come, it would be nice to see you again.

Just catching up as I've been away camping with DH and DD. I'm so sorry that so many of you are feeling so low.

It's six months today since Dad's funeral and I haven't been to the visit him or Mum since their ashes were scattered - I just can't.

I'm having a minor op tomorrow and really want my Mum to tell me that I'm being daft worrying and my Dad to give me a cuddle.

x

(((hugs)))Lilred no matter how old we are, we're always their little girls. When I had my baby boy in February it was my mum I wanted most after a quite traumatic CS and she was the first person that I phoned after he was born.
I can't believe how much I miss her and I keep thinking of all the things we'd planned to do this summer when I'm back in the UK for 13 weeks. I feel cheated that she didn't make it.

Good luck to you for tomorrow and I hope everything goes ok x