For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

ha ! sensible -that's me !

caffeine, me too! Very sensible all round that's us

Remembering Matt, Amy, Adam and Jonny and all and their families.

Thanks for sharing that link EM. I posted it to my FB profile too. I hope everyone is ok xx

I would like to add my sister Jane to the list of road traffic victims we remember here.

Rest in peace little sis!

dejavu, sorry I missed Jane out. Brain like a sieve since I started this course...

This is the first time I have ever bumped a thread but having re-read it I think it is one of the most moving ones I have read on Mumsnet (and I have been round for a while)

I have noticed there are quite a few people who used to post here who seem to have "vanished" (perhaps just lurking?). I hope you have found the peace that at the moment seems to be eluding me.

hi Dejavuaswell - and all who are without their siblings. I think I will have a re-read of the thread too, when I get the space. It does help not to feel so isolated in grief. Peace is, indeed, so elusive... x

Perhaps this list of names and dates could be the final posting in this wonderfully moving thread?

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

After a long. long time away without even a lurking visit I have popped in for an update. I can see some familiar and some new faces on this crappy road fate has made us walk.

Well it is a New Year and where am I? My twin Caroline died on Thursday August 27th 2009 and I lost both my parents in quick succession but I also got married and we are going to have a (planned) baby due in July. My teaching job is going smoothly although the firm that puchased my former family business has gone bust. I was lucky to get out when I did and at such a good price. I am tempted to contact the liquidator!

I think overall I have moved on. The wording for the gravestone for Caroline, Mum and Dad has been done and the stone engraved and now has been erected. It is a triple width memorial with each of them on a separate section. Being non standard of course it cost extra. The plot was also a complication since it is for 1 burial and 2 cremations. The cemetery/churchyard is lovely but now I only ?have? to go once a month.

I still treasure the note Caroline wrote to me during her final illness.

She wrote, "Remember in the dark days you are going through that I will love you for ever and ever and I will wait here quietly for you to come to me.

Your loving twin

Caroline XXX"

That is now on her memorial and perhaps a good place for me to end. Rest in peace Caroline and go in peace all those reading this note.

dejavu, I'm sorry for not being around for a long long while, and I'm also sorry that peace is still eluding you. FWIW I'll add my own update. When MissM and cyteen left, I was going through a really bad patch, and I have to admit to feeling abandoned. But it did make me realise that relying on people who had their bereavements to deal with was very selfish of me. I made a RL friend not long before Jonny died, and though she never knew my brother, or even met him, she has been amazing, and made me talk through several things that I hadn't had a chance to talk through with anyone else. I wouldn't say that I have found peace, but I do feel, at the moment, a bit more stable. I still feel a dreadful loss, and that emptiness which is at times painful, but I admit to trying not to think about it too much. I can still cry, and do pretty frequently, and I still miss my brother more than ever. But I'm getting used to it. Not accepting so much as just getting on with living with it. Peace eludes me too, but that's part and parcel of grief. It'll be however long it'll be to come to accept it, and I'm ok with that now. It continues to be a question of one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

I still think of you all a lot, and remember you and your siblings, and what an awesome place this thread has been. Thank you all for taking the time to post here, and I hope that it has, at some time or another, been as helpful to you as it has been to me.

If any of you are still around, I do still lurk, so feel free to post, and I promise to be a bit more responsive.

That peace is just around the corner, I'm sure...

People move on I suppose. Time does heal, even if it seems a very slow process, then one day you feel able to move on.

Perhaps moving from a poster, to a regular lurker, to a rare visitor, to never visiting at all will happen to us all in time?

Just looking back over the last few months. I still think of myself as a poster. But Binary has probably gone for good "perhaps a good place for me to end" as have MissM and Cyteen?

It could be that they have now found the inner peace that I am still chasing?

I am lurking, from time to time, and I think of you often. This is the first time I've been back for a while and the posts are so lovely that I felt I needed to let you know that I'm reading them. I haven't found inner peace, but perhaps I am dealing with things differently and so am coping differently. EM, your post echoes much of how I feel. Please don't feel abandoned. I left for my own reasons, and you are all still very much in my head.

And I am lurking too. No inner peace for me, either.
You are all in my thoughts x

Can some creative person please come up with a new title to use for a "deceased siblings thread" before we reach the maximum of 1000 messages here?

My sister Jane would be really surprised that after so many years I have really been knocked sideways by memories of her death in 1992.

It's so lovely to hear from you all. And I'm sorry to hear that peace remains elusive. I guess it can take a long time... Remember MAS getting help after all these years?... I'm mostly lurking too, though I lurk quite often! I just don't know what to say anymore, it feels like going round in circles - never getting anywhere. But I think of you all often, and all those who have posted in the past. I hope some of them, like Binary, are coping ok.

deja, it's your turn to make up a title ! Link it to us here when you have

EM - that's partly why I left, cos I felt like I'd run out of words. Maybe I'll think of some more in the future. In the meantime, I will be lurking... x to all of you.

I don't think I want 'inner peace' - what kind of peace is there for someone who has watched her sister die from cancer? Or for all of us on this thread who have suffered such tragic bereavements. I may accept it, but I'm not really ever expecting to feel peaceful about my sister's death. 3 years on and my daughter will still cry about the loss of her aunty.

caffeine, you're definitely right. I don't think I want peace about my brother's death, as you say, how can there be peace about watching someone you love die? I think I mean peace in life. I don't have it since my brother died. I worry more, get stressed more, am without any doubt mildly depressed, have lost the taste for many things I loved before. I don't have peace because of all those things, I guess that's what I mean by achieving peace.

I'd also like to get to the point where I can think of him without crying.

I'm sorry I missed your sister's day on Saturday. I'm thinking of you now xx

Oh evansmummy, I feel so sorry for you.
Somebody said to you the other day that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My sister's death didn't, of course, kill me but it has made me...glummer.

Thank you for thinking of me on Saturday x

Hi all. Sorry i havent been around. A lot of things have been going on in my personal life. DH and i seperated in novemeber so have been trying to concetrate on my ds and help him through the change in circumstances.

II dont think I want peace regarding Matty's death as it certainly wasnt. I cant find the wrods really to express how I feel I know my life has moved on but a large part of me is still stuck in 2009.

Dispite everything that has happened I seam to be at peace with myself and happy with how I am. That is part of the reason behind my most recent tattoo.
I think of you all often

This thread will HAVE to end because it has reached the 1000 limit.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1129004-Remembering-with-love-all-our-departed-brothers-and-sisters-The-angel-inside-us

I have set up somewhere for it to continue.