For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

cyteen, that's fair enough. You do what you gotta do. We'll miss you.

Glad the wedding went well. Hope that wedded bliss carries you along for a while.

Oh gosh Cyteen I'm really sorry but completely understand. It was all very weird and horrible wasn't it - left me feeling a bit sick on behalf of the bereaved mummys.

Congratulations on your wedding and I'm glad it was so perfect. I'm sure Simon was there next to you in whatever way you believe. Come back sometime won't you - I've missed your eloquence.

Just read Cyteen's post - not been here for a while. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I just want to avoid thinking about loss. But what trolling? Not on bereavement site, surely? Please would someone explain. Love to you all x

Hi caffeine. Someone was exposed as a real troll who was a regular on the bereaved mums thread. It was all a bit horrible and they got the relevant thread deleted. She most likely had lost a child, but was causing problems in other areas apparently. Left a very nasty taste in the mouth.

My brother's second anniversary on Sunday so feeling fairly bler.

I thought something like that had happened i managed to miss it all. I feel for your MissM, its my brothers first anniversairy on tuesday i just want time to come to a standstill if i cant reverse it.

Oh Shelley it's horrible isn't it. I hope you're being kind to yourself. I've found (last year and this) that taking a day off work and walking down the canal was what I really needed to do. Being outside in a beautiful place where I could cry and cry didn't make it better, but did help me somehow. Will be thinking of you on Tuesday. x

Thanks MissM. Im not working atm so got a few hours free time during the day which is currently spent doing bits for the charity event im organising. We are going to the scene of his death and will be there exactly a year since he was killed going to let of a sky latern for him and lay flowers then get as drunk as i can lol.

caffeineaddict, have been thinking of you today xx

Thank you evansmum. Nearly through the day, keep thinking about this time three years ago. But expected thunder, lightening and the apocalypse, but it was just a 'normal' day and life goes on.....

I miss my sister so much

Oh CA, just checked in. I hope you are asleep and have made it through. Isn't it surreal somehow that life goes on - apocalypse and thunder would be much more appropriate and satisfying. Many many hugs xx

Thank you MissM. x

MissM, true words. You almost expect it to be as momentous as that first day itself and it isn't. I know yours is on Sunday, and shelley's next week. I'll be thinking of you both too, and will check in.

shelley, glad to hear you're keeping busy and that that is getting you through. I seriously cannot believe it is a year since you turned up here. Seriously. It is so hard to see how life goes on, the world keeps going while we are at times like a stuck record.

caffeine, hope today is a better day for you. I am thinking of you still xx

Isn't it strange how the years seem to pass and yet I for one feel somehow that not a second has passed since the week my brother died. Shelley, truly strange that it is a year that you have been here, Caffeine - didn't click somehow that you were a year ahead of me, Cyteen a couple of years ahead... and yet it's all so recent somehow.

We're spending the day on Sunday in the wood where my brother is buried, having a picnic, hopefully managing to smile and laugh a little as well as cry. Weather somehow feels appropriate to my mood - grey, heavy, oppressive.

Watched 'Up' with the kids the other evening. Cried and cried and cried - didn't realise it was so sad. My little boy kept asking 'Why did the lady die?' and I just couldn't speak. Just kept choking on my words. Stupid little things that get you.

Love to all of you. xx

Thanks for the thoughts. I had a cry at mums earlier not sure if ill be round there till early hours tuesday morning so wrote on the sky latern. It turned intoa bit of an easy and i was trying to hold back tears so i didnt ruin it lol. I've ran out of things to do now for the charity night just have to get some tickets sold and print out the order for raffle prizes and put a few more bits in the goody bags. Cant believe thats in a weeks time, ill be panicing this time next week that people will turn up

I haven't had a sob. Didn't even mention the significance of the day to many people. Or even remind the children. Didn't talk to my parents or brother. Just wanted to be isolated with it all. Agree with MissM - it feels like yesterday that I watched my sister die.
Shelleylou - am sure lots will turn up! x

that should have been a bit of an essay lol. I can't imagine watching a sibling or anyone close to me die and i hold all of those of you that have in the greatest admiration.

I hope they do tickets are starting to sell and the word is deffinitely out

Oh poor you CA, but if that's what you needed to do then that's what you needed to do. A few people have asked me what I'm doing this weekend and I've just said going to my mum's. It's not for sharing with anyone other than my family.

I wouldn't wish watching anyone die of cancer on anyone Shelley, not even those I despise (politicians, mainly!) But equally I don't know how you, EM, others bear living with a sudden death. It's a shitty path all round, no-one escapes the shittiness.

Probably won't be around now for a bit but love to you all and Shelley I'm sure the tickets will go like hot cakes. You will be in my mind on Tuesday. xx

I watched Jonny die too. He was in hospital for 5 days before he died. He was never awake during that time, just hooked up to life support. We watched them feed stuff into his stomach then pump it out 12 hours later when his digestive system hadn't aken anything in. We watched them moisten his eyes and lips with salve twice a day so they didn't dry out. We watched them turn him twice a day so he wouldn't get bed sores. We watched them try to revive him with defibrillators. I had my hand on his chest when his heart stopped beating.

It wan't that sudden.

I'm really sorry EM, that was very insensitive of me. My wording was all wrong. xx

Cyteen, just to let you know I've asked for my posts with Simon's dates on to be removed as you asked.

That's ok. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I apologise for snapping.

I hope tomorrow manages to be a peaceful day for you all. You'll be very much in my thoughts.

Hey, you're allowed to snap. I should have thought about what I was saying (but I was saying it with you in my thoughts iyswim). A friend at the moment has a weeping and wailing post on Facebook about her sick dog, lots of people messaging her saying how much they're thinking of her. I've been composing snappy messages in my head (I won't post them).

Apologies to dog lovers on here.

I do see know what you mean. It was all me, just as I said a bad day. There seem to be a lot of them atm.

Anyway, I know you were thinking of me, and I am of you tomorrow. I appreciate that you will let me be snappy, noone else knows how to deal with that.

I love dogs . Not so much that i'd wail about it on fb though! It's. A. Dog.

shelley, you have been in my thoguhts today. Sorry I haven't been on before, have had a manic day. Hope that your day was not too horrid, and that the sky lantern went off well. Wishing you peace for the rest of the day xx

Hi em the sky latern didn't get off the ground quite literally. It went over and burnt so the messages we were sending to db went up to him as smoke. MNot how we planned but he got them which is the main thing. I think i drank best part of a bottle of JD throughout the day but never mind. It was weird i just felt numb and teary on occasions but that would come really suddenly. I nearly cried picking ds up from nursery.